Need help with angry wife

[whatevergirl]

Prayers for you and your wife, Kepha. I think that your wife could benefit from counseling, as I agree with the poster about these episodes coming from her childhood. Regardless, her behavior is not acceptable…and no matter the ‘‘reasons’’ behind it, it needs to change. It’s not healthy for her to act out like this, and it’s not healthy for your marriage. If you were a woman telling us this, we’d suggest you separating out of safety. You might not be fearful because you are a man, but her behavior is very unstable and it’s just not acceptable. I hope she gets the help she needs, and that God gives you both the strength to get through this together. You sound like a very caring and loving husband, I’m sorry she is hurting this much. God bless.

 

[flyingfish]

I was in an abusive marriage and my older children seem to have such issues, at least at times. Have you had counseling at all? You really do need to find a way to get past that. You might not be able to control how you feel, but how you behave is absolutely a choice that you make.

And just so you know it, flyingfish, it was not your fault, the way that your father acted. Nobody should have to walk on eggshells just to keep someone else from having violent fits. That’s just no way to live.

I’ve had counseling, I’ve also taken medications (certain medications actually made the agitation issues much worse). On the whole, now I am doing pretty well. I’m only relating the story so the OP can understand how his wife may be feeling when she is throwing things around.

 

[revert_jen]

Hi Kepha–

Years ago I had some issues where I sought a physical outlet when I got angry. I never hurt anyone nor came close and I got over it after a few years. The most annoying (and humiliating) incident was when I got angry in a parking lot, threw my keys onto the tarmac, and then had to spend 20 minutes figuring out how to get them out from under some stranger’s car, since they had gone too far for me to reach. Is your wife in her early 20s perhaps? I was in my late teens when it started, but I was probably 22 before it went away completely. (Well, I say “went away completely,” but I still sometimes get so angry and frustrated that I want to throw something, but it’s pretty rare, and almost always I can restrain myself from doing anything at all. I threw a butter knife at the floor once about 4 years ago, but that is as bad as it gets–and there wasn’t anyone else around at the time.)

My guess would be depression, and I have to respectfully disagree with those who say that it will probably turn into domestic violence. It may, but you would need more information before you could say it actually will. For example, I also used to take out my anger on inanimate objects, but not as a substitute for hurting people. What I mean is, when I threw my keys at the ground, it wasn’t because I was restraining myself from throwing them at a person, and when I pounded a wall it wasn’t because I would rather have been pounding a person. I just had this huge energy and anger and wanted/needed to make a noise, move violently, etc. I was not, BTW, trying to win anything by it. I knew I was more likely to win an argument if I kept calm, but I just couldn’t.

What I did when I was trying to control it before it went away, was I had a stack of magazines that I used to throw against a wall, in a room by myself. It didn’t hurt or break anything (although it did mark the wall with ink from the magazines). It satisfied the need to be somewhat violent. If you have a room that you don’t use much, or don’t care about the walls too much, you might start saving up some magazines. They make a lovely noise, but it’s really hard to damage the drywall with a magazine, no matter how hard you throw it.

If you can find a counselor who is compatible with religious belief, that may help. I had a few sessions with someone (< 10) and it helped me. It helped especially because it was understood from the start that there wouldn’t be many sessions (it was free counseling from the University, and you couldn’t have more than 10 ).

Also, if she is anything like I was, being calm at her is probably the worst possible thing to do. Just go away, trying not to seem patronizing if you can, because after all you have faults too, seeing as you are human. Then you can talk about whatever it is when her brain will be doing the talking rather than her spinal cord. I’m not sure that I would advise locking her in a room like a 5-year-old (even if she is behaving like one) but locking yourself in a room would be fine. If she follows you and tries to get in, then probably my advice isn’t any good, and you are dealing with some very different phenomenon than what I went through.

Best wishes,

–Jen

 

[flyingfish]

One thing I’ll add to the OP, is you should really ask yourself if you’re causing your wife to snap. It takes two people to have a fight, so you definitely have a role in it.

Your wife might be prone to snapping, but unless her threshold is so low that she loses it over every little thing you really have to ask yourself what you are doing in the fights that causes her to react that way.

Personally if I was with a man that caused me to experience that kind of thing, my solution wouldn’t be to break drawers, it would be to leave and find someone gentle and easy going who wouldn’t have those kinds of fights with me.

 

[dulcissima]

One thing I’ll add to the OP, is you should really ask yourself if you’re causing your wife to snap. It takes two people to have a fight, so you definitely have a role in it.

Your wife might be prone to snapping, but unless her threshold is so low that she loses it over every little thing you really have to ask yourself what you are doing in the fights that causes her to react that way.

Personally if I was with a man that caused me to experience that kind of thing, my solution wouldn’t be to break drawers, it would be to leave and find someone gentle and easy going who wouldn’t have those kinds of fights with me.

You would need to find someone gentle and easy going so that you wouldn’t break drawers? The person who is having violent outbursts needs to take ownership for their behavior and not blame it on others. If I am upset with my boyfriend I tell him what I am feeling and we talk about it. No threats, nothing is thrown, no name calling, and no one gets hurt. It’s totally not okay to blame someone else for your out of control behavior.

An interesting thing my priest told me about my ex…he wanted control over me because he had no control over himself.

 

[flyingfish]

You would need to find someone gentle and easy going so that you wouldn’t break drawers? The person who is having violent outburst needs to take ownership for their behavior and not blame it on others.

Well, I can tell you if I happened to end up with a man who treated me like my father did, I can see myself breaking things and otherwise losing it frequently. Of course I would never voluntarily choose a man like that, so he’d have to deceive me or change. And if I found out he was like that, I would immediately leave without thinking twice about it because I’m not willing to be needlessly subjected to stressful and emotionally unpleasant situations.

It’s not as simple as that. I disagree with you fundamentally because I believe in cause-and-effect reasons for human behavior. I don’t think there is such a thing as contra-causal free will.

Yes, there are people who have very severe emotional issues. But not everyone is like that, and it’s hard to say what kind of person the OP’s wife is without knowing her, or what kind of a person the OP is. It was just a thought I threw out there. The OP might well be causing her behavior by some action of his.

 

[fbl9]

Hi Kepha–

Years ago I had some issues where I sought a physical outlet when I got angry. I never hurt anyone nor came close and I got over it after a few years. The most annoying (and humiliating) incident was when I got angry in a parking lot, threw my keys onto the tarmac, and then had to spend 20 minutes figuring out how to get them out from under some stranger’s car, since they had gone too far for me to reach. Is your wife in her early 20s perhaps? I was in my late teens when it started, but I was probably 22 before it went away completely. (Well, I say “went away completely,” but I still sometimes get so angry and frustrated that I want to throw something, but it’s pretty rare, and almost always I can restrain myself from doing anything at all. I threw a butter knife at the floor once about 4 years ago, but that is as bad as it gets–and there wasn’t anyone else around at the time.)

My guess would be depression, and I have to respectfully disagree with those who say that it will probably turn into domestic violence. It may, but you would need more information before you could say it actually will. For example, I also used to take out my anger on inanimate objects, but not as a substitute for hurting people. What I mean is, when I threw my keys at the ground, it wasn’t because I was restraining myself from throwing them at a person, and when I pounded a wall it wasn’t because I would rather have been pounding a person. I just had this huge energy and anger and wanted/needed to make a noise, move violently, etc. I was not, BTW, trying to win anything by it. I knew I was more likely to win an argument if I kept calm, but I just couldn’t.

What I did when I was trying to control it before it went away, was I had a stack of magazines that I used to throw against a wall, in a room by myself. It didn’t hurt or break anything (although it did mark the wall with ink from the magazines). It satisfied the need to be somewhat violent. If you have a room that you don’t use much, or don’t care about the walls too much, you might start saving up some magazines. They make a lovely noise, but it’s really hard to damage the drywall with a magazine, no matter how hard you throw it.

If you can find a counselor who is compatible with religious belief, that may help. I had a few sessions with someone (< 10) and it helped me. It helped especially because it was understood from the start that there wouldn’t be many sessions (it was free counseling from the University, and you couldn’t have more than 10 ).

Also, if she is anything like I was, being calm at her is probably the worst possible thing to do. Just go away, trying not to seem patronizing if you can, because after all you have faults too, seeing as you are human. Then you can talk about whatever it is when her brain will be doing the talking rather than her spinal cord. I’m not sure that I would advise locking her in a room like a 5-year-old (even if she is behaving like one) but locking yourself in a room would be fine. If she follows you and tries to get in, then probably my advice isn’t any good, and you are dealing with some very different phenomenon than what I went through.

Best wishes,

–Jen

Anger is a wild beast and when one lets it out of the pen.
Kepa: Revert Jen has some good advice on just leaving the room, when i am in such state that is one of the worst things for me, somew ‘calm’ person trying to talk to me…
for myself the magazine thing just would’nt work but perhaps it might just wear me out trying to put a magazine through the wall…it is scary being out of control like that.
Anger and pride some times go hand in hand,but there are times when one just doesn’t seem recognized by thier spouse/children…not ingored but seen as less important, ie, what they are doing is less important or in the way of what the spouse/children are doing,even if the spouse/children are doing normal mundane things,like throwing a piece of garbage in the trash bag.
Depression ,like others say, plays a big role in how one can easily become this angered.
How’s the weather been lately? Cloudy, foggy, gloomy? This weather also lends it’s hand in this matter. Your own stress and her’s too,? too many factors colliding…

 

[Norseman82]

Buy her a heavy bag or wavemaster/“BOB” bag and some gloves and tell her to take her frustrations out on that.

One thing I’ll add to the OP, is you should really ask yourself if you’re causing your wife to snap. It takes two people to have a fight, so you definitely have a role in it.

Your wife might be prone to snapping, but unless her threshold is so low that she loses it over every little thing you really have to ask yourself what you are doing in the fights that causes her to react that way.

Personally if I was with a man that caused me to experience that kind of thing, my solution wouldn’t be to break drawers, it would be to leave and find someone gentle and easy going who wouldn’t have those kinds of fights with me.

And if she is provoked by his being alive and breathing, is he supposed to stop living and breathing?

 

[eucharisteo]

You might find something helpful in what I just wrote about my Aunt to “need advice on how to help adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse” thread. What you describe is not anger, (anger is a defensive protecting emotion), what you are describing is rage (a somewhat less than conscious, irrational, and inappropriately attacking, overwhelmingly destructive emotion). The sort of rage you describe here is very often the outward venting/re-creation of seriously buried/denied/forgotten issues of childhood abuse triggered off by events and interactions in the present day.

I also agree with this statement having seen it in my own spouse.

 

[dominicandinah]

You would need to find someone gentle and easy going so that you wouldn’t break drawers? The person who is having violent outbursts needs to take ownership for their behavior and not blame it on others. If I am upset with my boyfriend I tell him what I am feeling and we talk about it. No threats, nothing is thrown, no name calling, and no one gets hurt. It’s totally not okay to blame someone else for your out of control behavior.

An interesting thing my priest told me about my ex…he wanted control over me because he had no control over himself.

Yes, Dulcissima, she does need to take “ownership” for her behavior, but first she needs help with the root of what’s causing it. I’m sure she didn’t just decide to start acting like this one day and assume it was acceptable. That rage she is feeling that prompts her to act like this is deep-seated…so deep-seated that her husband wasn’t aware of it all the time they were dating (at least he gave no indication of that in the OP).

As someone with a background in social services, I must say that those who have suggested she has some obviously unresolved issues probably stemming back to an abusive situation in childhood are spot-on. Sometimes it’s as graphic and traumatic as sexual molestation or physical abuse. It could also be bullying from childhood or adolesence. Whatever it is, she needs loving support from her spouse, prayer, and a good counselor who will assist her in coming to terms with her rage and what thing in her past is causing it and what “triggers” it now.

Getting her to admit there is an issue will likely not be easy, let’s all keep these two in our prayers.

 

[flyingfish]

And if she is provoked by his being alive and breathing, is he supposed to stop living and breathing?

I gave a suggestion based on my own life experience. My father’s treatment of me during my childhood and teenage years was such that he drove me to snap. I am not going to get into the details of the kinds of things he did, but this is obviously the lens through which I am viewing this situation.

Today it would take a lot for me to snap and start throwing things. I generally would avoid any situation that made me feel like that. For me to snap like that today someone would have to get on my case and push me and push me and push me. It’s not really a realistic situation today, because I am no longer a child trapped in a situation and I would simply walk away (and if the person would try to not let me I’d call the police).

So I am looking at the OP’s situation from this perspective. Why is his wife snapping? Could he be doing something to make her snap (yes, it’s possible)? Who is driving their arguments? Is it all her, is she following him around yelling and throwing things? Is it mostly him, with her trying to avoid the situation and him pursuing until she snaps and throws things? Is it both of them and the chemistry between them?

Unless it really is the case of her following him around unprovoked and screaming, he has a role to play in it. How big a role is a question he has to ask himself. If he is playing a part, he can make an effort to change his behavior. If it’s all her, then he has to decide if he is willing to live with her given that.

 

[jmcrae]

Not really, to this day, he will not admit that he was ever abusive.

Which doesn’t mean that he isn’t perfectly well aware that he is, or was - he might simply be thinking that if he denies it, then he doesn’t have to say he’s sorry, or else maybe he genuinely thinks that his behaviour was caused by someone else.

 

[dashso40]

This was me in a way, for years, I used to become enraged over small things(although I didn’t beat anyone) I would throw things at walls. I’m not sure why. I have prayed to Jesus to help me to stop this anger and impatience towards people and my family. Believe it or not, praying has worked. I still revert sometimes but nothing like I was. I don’t know why I was like that, but thank God, I am better. It took a lot of praying

 

[Kindness]

I agree with the posters who have described the difference between anger and rage. When someone is tapping into a deep seated rage the anger (rage) is out of proportion to the situation. Flyingfish I also think that if a woman was describing her husband trashing her clothes, breaking drawers and throwing everything from her desk onto the floor while raging you would not be telling her she “must” be provoking him.

Rage like this is unresolved anger from past events. Flyingfish even you described your own rage because of emotional abuse from your father, probably events that were overwhelming to you as a child/teenager.

I also raged at my husband a few times early in our marriage. It was always completely out of proportion to what we were arguing about. In my case his mild and innocent actions or comments were interpreted by me as trying to control me and I flew into a rage due to fear. It was all due to my own father and the past and had nothing to do with with my dh.

Kepha15 take these events as a nudge from the Holy Spirit to help your wife get help, go together for counseling if necessary. It is escalating because the rage is not being dealt with. I think the emotional intimacy of marriage can be a trigger for people with wounds from their past. I have heard quite a few stories from friends of how they or their spouse suddenly found themselves overwhelmed with emotions and memories from the past early in their marriage. Maybe for the first time they feel safe enough to let those emotions surface. Whatever the case Kepha talk to your wife at a good moment or write her an email so she has time to digest your concerns without a confrontation. Don’t imply there is something “wrong” with her. Tell her how much you love her and that you want her to be free of any pain from the past.

God bless you both (thank God my husband was as kind and as understanding as you).

 

[Vivere987]

His wife was not angry at him, she was very very depressed. Kepha and his wife had only been married for a little over a month at this point.

They live 75 miles away from all of their family and friends and Kepha’s new wife was an extremely social person. After the wedding in January, his wife gave up her job to relocate with him to a place where unemployment is 26%. She had just graduated from a 4 year university and could not even find a minimum wage job.

Although the couple is extremely blessed that Kepha has a good paying job, so that at 22 yrs. of age they could wed, Kepha works afternoon/nights- leaving for work around 3:30pm and coming home from work around 1:00am. His odd work schedule makes it so that the couple also sleeps until just a couple hours before he must go back to work.

His work schedule makes it impossible for the couple that is 75 miles away from everyone they know to live a normal social life- he also works all weekends, making it nearly impossible for them to get involved in anything together.

His new wife was unemployed, friendless and too far away from everyone she knew and loved to just hop in a car and meet up with them- they did not have a house phone and she only had a prepaid cell phone. For the hours he was gone everyday, his wife was all alone and didn’t even feel like she could call people on the phone.

She went from working part time, having internships with the American Red Cross and Applebees, going to school full time, planning a wedding and serving as vice president of Campus Activities at a the University of Michigan… to sitting alone, everyday, unemployed… without a phone.

After Kepha posted this thread- things only got more violent in his marriage. 5 days later, he and his wife got into an argument soo bad that she slammed a door when he was following her and it broke the door frame and the door came right off the hinges. The argument was about cell phones. The couple was able to get a new plan- and Kepha wanted to order the phones on the internet (taking 12 business days to arrive) rather than drive to the store and buy them (at no additional cost).

At this time, even 12 more days of being alone seemed unfathomable to his wife. She was depressed that she could not find a job. Depressed that their relationship was falling apart (no doubt because of her depression and the way it made her feel and act) Depressed that she was alone all the time and couldn’t even talk to people… She was happy to be married, she had dated this man for 4 ½ years, but his inability to understand how she was feeling and help her to feel better- made her take all of her depression out onto him.

No doubt, a mix of emotions: all that love, excitement of a newlywed and feeling blessed that her husband would provide- mixed with terrible depression from all the reasons above- dark, gloomy winter weather… every little argument between the two seemed to push her over the edge.

She takes full responsibility for her actions and she can see now that what she did and how she acted was wrong. She has prayed about it a lot, confessed her sins, and makes a conscious effort to discuss her feelings on a regular basis with her husband.

It’s sad to look back at those first couple months. She is still unemployed, and they still live far away from their family and friends- but they have discussed their problems in full. Kepha seems to understand his wifes needs and feelings more- he really makes an effort to put her first. They work through things together.

When they respect each other- and love each other as God intended: freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully- the fighting does not exist.

 

[samovila]

My husband and I were faced with similar problems with anger during the first couple of years of our marriage. We faced some of the same problems that Vivere mentions. It turned out that my husband was depressed and had some bipolar tendencies. We have found significant improvement in our relationship through counseling, medication, and by attending Retrouvaille. See retrouvaille.org for more information.

 

[PhilXavier]

When she gets that way, be the sane person and walk away, lock the door behind you and don’t interact with her until she calms down.

My wife also goes into rages when we argue, although not to the same extent. I tried once saying to her “I will talk to you when you have calmed down.” and went upstairs. This just antagonised her and she was screaming up the stairs “Don’t you dare walk away from me.” So I think it is a matter of seeing how the individual reacts to it. It may work, but be prepared for it to backfire. I have found that when she is in a rage, she is often not even directing it towards myself and quite often the best thing to do can be to calmly stand there and wait for her to get it out of her system. I know it is hard not to react to it, but she has said to me herself that sometimes she just needs a couple of minutes to vent her anger, and my reacting to her just escalates it.

I understand what you are going through, as I also know that my wife is not a bad person, she just can’t control her emotions sometimes. I think the best that we can do as husbands is to be there for them, try not to react to them, and comfort them afterwards when they feel overwhelmingly remorseful for their behaviour.

You are in my prayer’s,

Phil.

 

[Musician]

I used to be this angry wife. Believe me, the feelings of guilt and remorse are awful for us, even if we try to rationalize it.
I finally got help for depression and mood swings, and my dr. put me on meds. I haven’t gotten seriously angry at my DH for years now. It was a chemical imbalance in my brain Thank God for modern medicine.

 

[fms]

I’m having have an issue I’m not sure how to deal with right now. When my wife and I get into arguments, she has tended lately to begin getting violent. Not necessarily toward me, but just in general in terms of throwing things around, trashing our home, slamming things, etc. The fights are never over serious things, just your average, everyday, mundane things that every normal couple fights about. And we don’t really fight often, so I don’t want this to sound like we’re constantly fighting. But when she loses her temper, it’s been getting worse and worse. The last fight we had (I don’t even remember what it was about), she emptied all the clothes in my dressor on the floor, threw the drawers out (breaking one of them), and trashed my work desk, throwing everything on the floor all over the room. By the time she was done, it looked like we had been robbed.

Like I said, the violence hasn’t normally been directed at me, although a few times she has thrown things at me (such as keys that narrowly missed my face) and tried to push me out of her way. And I once got water thrown in my face. I have already talked to her about this when she was calm, and she acknowledges that it is wrong and she shouldn’t do it, but the next time she always does. I have even said to her that she should take anger management, but that just makes her angrier. I know she’s not a bad person, but frankly, I’m out of ideas. She either can’t control her anger when she’s mad, or she just won’t. I’m a level-headed person generally, so I don’t really know what it’s like to lose all control like that. Is it possible for a person to just physically not be able to reason in that state? Or am I expecting too much for her to just be able to change?

Again, just to clarify, I don’t feel as though I’m in any danger, so I’m not looking for answers like “call the police” or “get a divorce/separation.” Thanks for the advice!

There is something deeper and serious here.

It also could be a cover for something else.

Also, please involve the ecclesiatical authorities.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

I’m having have an issue I’m not sure how to deal with right now. When my wife and I get into arguments, she has tended lately to begin getting violent. Not necessarily toward me, but just in general in terms of throwing things around, trashing our home, slamming things, etc. The fights are never over serious things, just your average, everyday, mundane things that every normal couple fights about. And we don’t really fight often, so I don’t want this to sound like we’re constantly fighting. But when she loses her temper, it’s been getting worse and worse. The last fight we had (I don’t even remember what it was about), she emptied all the clothes in my dressor on the floor, threw the drawers out (breaking one of them), and trashed my work desk, throwing everything on the floor all over the room. By the time she was done, it looked like we had been robbed.

Like I said, the violence hasn’t normally been directed at me, although a few times she has thrown things at me (such as keys that narrowly missed my face) and tried to push me out of her way. And I once got water thrown in my face. I have already talked to her about this when she was calm, and she acknowledges that it is wrong and she shouldn’t do it, but the next time she always does. I have even said to her that she should take anger management, but that just makes her angrier. I know she’s not a bad person, but frankly, I’m out of ideas. **She either can’t control her anger when she’s mad, or she just won’t. I’m a level-headed person generally, so I don’t really know what it’s like to lose all control like that. Is it possible for a person to just physically not be able to reason in that state? Or am I expecting too much for her to just be able to change?
**
Again, just to clarify, I don’t feel as though I’m in any danger, so I’m not looking for answers like “call the police” or “get a divorce/separation.” Thanks for the advice!

In the moment, I think she probably can’t control herself. However, if you have discussed it and she has admitted that she has an anger problem, her failure to address it is just wrong. If she’s in a rage for 30 minutes, she has 23 and a half hours of the day left to try to do something to help herself and you. IT is NOT unreasonable of you to expect her to control herself, she is a grown up and we are expected to behave as such. Temper tantrums are not acceptable. Even if you have a physiological reason, you should at least be TRYING to do something about it.

SInce you said your suggestion of anger management makes her angry – I just wondered – did you suggest it when she was calm, not during a fight? And then she got angry just from the suggestion? Because that’s a problem!

I know you said you don’t feel unsafe, but I assure you, this is emotional abuse and could someday lead to a physical attack. And then you’re really in a pickle, because men can have a very hard time when they try to defend themselves – they can find themselves on the wrong end of a domestic abuse accusation.

And just out of curiosity – you say you are very level headed. Does she become enraged because she can’t get reaction out of you? I know a couple - and this was the case with them. The more she screamed, the calmer he got, refusing to engage with her. Finally, she would get so angry that he was so impassive, that she would throw things and try to hit him. It is a very odd thing – a woman who WANTS the man to get angry – I never could understand it.