Need help with bisexual wife

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lovinghusband

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Hello all —

I am writing today hoping for prayers, advice, and maybe even a forum to speak what is on my mind and heart. My wife and I are within the first few years of marriage. We are deeply in love with one another and our marriage bonds are strong. When we met, she was a convert and a strongly devout woman. I myself was a “re-vert,” having come back to the Church after a decade away. We connected personally and spiritually and have had a strong bond ever since.

The problem that has come up is thus. She has had an attraction to women for a long time (about 13 years) and thinks that she is bisexual. She told me about this before we got married, but assured me it would never be an issue. And to be honest, I believed her and judged her based on her merits. Throughout our friendship and then engagement period, this problem never reared its head. Indeed, within our first year or so of marriage, it was fine. But then the temptations came on her part. She would view pornography and things like this, but never sought out someone.

Recently, I discovered (I admit, by checking her computer), that she has posted in different websites as a bisexual looking for a woman. To be sure, she says she is married and doesn’t want to leave me in these posts. Nonetheless, this sort of thing is a moral no-no and while secular men jump at these things, it frightens me. Moreover, I myself struggled with temptation over the years.

Thus, I have one big mess. I found these postings, but if I bring it up, she’ll be mad that I snooped on her. Plus, I have to conquer my own temptations in the process. What should I do?
 
lovinghusband said:
Hello all —

I am writing today hoping for prayers, advice, and maybe even a forum to speak what is on my mind and heart. My wife and I are within the first few years of marriage. We are deeply in love with one another and our marriage bonds are strong. When we met, she was a convert and a strongly devout woman. I myself was a “re-vert,” having come back to the Church after a decade away. We connected personally and spiritually and have had a strong bond ever since.

The problem that has come up is thus. She has had an attraction to women for a long time (about 13 years) and thinks that she is bisexual. She told me about this before we got married, but assured me it would never be an issue. And to be honest, I believed her and judged her based on her merits. Throughout our friendship and then engagement period, this problem never reared its head. Indeed, within our first year or so of marriage, it was fine. But then the temptations came on her part. She would view pornography and things like this, but never sought out someone.

Recently, I discovered (I admit, by checking her computer), that she has posted in different websites as a bisexual looking for a woman. To be sure, she says she is married and doesn’t want to leave me in these posts. Nonetheless, this sort of thing is a moral no-no and while secular men jump at these things, it frightens me. Moreover, I myself struggled with temptation over the years.

Thus, I have one big mess. I found these postings, but if I bring it up, she’ll be mad that I snooped on her. Plus, I have to conquer my own temptations in the process. What should I do?
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I’d get this out in the open.

Yes, secular men would react differently, but you are not secular!, and you can conquer the temptations by remembering Jesus, the way he ordered the world, and marriage, and your commitment not just to your wife, but to God.

Suffering from SSA is not a sin, but acting on it IS.

Your wife needs help, and the sooner the better, but I would be careful about anything too direct. Try and find out what it is that is driving her to pornography. Men or women who lust over pornography completely misunderstand the gift of sex, but also (and more importantly) how to have honest, faithful intimacy with a spouse.

Peace and God Bless!
 
Encourage for family of folks dealing with SSA, it is part of Courage, a Catholc group.

couragerc.net
 
She’s actively trying to cheat on you. Man or woman, it does not matter. Confront her.
 
Just curious but did you have a reason to snoop? Was she doing something suspicious or did you just randomly decide to look? How do you know she use to view porn, did you catch her doing it or lying about it or was she open about it.

I agree that she is intentionally looking to cheat on you and you shoudl confront her but the way you do it depends more on the details of your situation. We are called by our faith to also have faith in people and by you snooping that doesn’t show a good side. That is why I ask all the questions. If she did something to make you suspicious then that would be a good enough explanation to give her as to why you were snooping. If not then just be very honest with her and tell her you were worried and concerned for whatever reason…you had a gut feeling, you remembered something she said a while back, it has been eating at you ever since blah blah…etc. Just be careful not to attach. Approach with calm understanding. Since you already know of her temptations, that should be easy. Tell her you love her and want to help but do not do anything to push her away as you are there to help her get to Heaven :).

Good luck and God bless, I will keep you in my prayers.
 
I wish you had come here a few years ago. We could have told you that she needed counseling for her SSA before you got married.

Let’s face it, you married her based on hope. Hope that it wouldn’t be a problem. Hope that you would be enough and this issue wouldn’t come up. She was honest with you about something that should have given you pause, but you didn’t pause. (I applaud her for that, BTW.) Now you are learning that hope isn’t enough and that it would have been better to deal with this before your lives were tied together forever.

But, now you are in the situation you are in. She needs to decide who she is. If she is serious and committed to being your wife, then ALL other sex partners are off-limits, no matter their sex. We all face temptation. We all have to resist.

I agree with contacting Courage, and you two should probably get marital counseling too.

Prayers, and good luck.
 
I believe prayers, God and love can conquer all things. I’m not saying it can take awhile - sometimes quite awhile - but it can and does happen. Please hang in there and we’re all praying for you two! God bless you both.
 
I would put the cards on the table. If you ignore this your are only putting it on the back burner. ITs not going to go away. Maybe talk to a priest and see what he advises you to do. Im so sorry what a spot to be in.
 
Magicsilence said:
I’d get this out in the open.

Yes, secular men would react differently, but you are not secular!, and you can conquer the temptations by remembering Jesus, the way he ordered the world, and marriage, and your commitment not just to your wife, but to God.

Suffering from SSA is not a sin, but acting on it IS.

Your wife needs help, and the sooner the better, but I would be careful about anything too direct. Try and find out what it is that is driving her to pornography. Men or women who lust over pornography completely misunderstand the gift of sex, but also (and more importantly) how to have honest, faithful intimacy with a spouse.

Peace and God Bless!
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Ditto. You need to discuss this with her.
 
You’re getting good advice here, lovinghusband. Lance the boil and drain it before the infection spreads.
 
I’m praying for you both. Temptation is temptation regardless of the gender. God bless you both. He will give you the strength to get through this.

Gertie
 
Well you might be snooping but God knows every single thought and action she has. So while she may be trying to hide it from you, she’s not hiding anything from God. There is nothing hidden which won’t be revealed–especially when one is using a computer to do it.
 
That makes me sick.😦 I will be praying for you and your wife.
 
Same-sex attraction constitutes a psychological impediment to marriage. It may very well be that your wife did not know what she was assenting to when she took up her marriage vows. It may, perhaps, be advisable to pursue an annulment.
 
Other_Eric said:
Same-sex attraction constitutes a psychological impediment to marriage. It may very well be that your wife did not know what she was assenting to when she took up her marriage vows. It may, perhaps, be advisable to pursue an annulment.
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This is an avenue I would seriously consider pursuing if the confrontation is not successful.
 
nobeerinheaven said:
This is an avenue I would seriously consider pursuing if the confrontation is not successful.
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What, exactly, would constitute success in this matter? To my mind, only the complete cessation of same-sex desires. Even then, the marriage vows were taken while still under the influence of this disabling pathology and it may be advisable for a tribunal to investigate the circumstances of the marriage.

The total absence of same-sex desires in this marriage is a quality whose importance cannot be stressed enough. While in the throes of same-sex desire, this woman possesses the frightening potential to introduce disease into the marriage bed. Further, should any children be produced through this union, they would be exposed to an intrinsic evil that would form a component of their immediate family and harm their formation in the faith.

I would encourage the OP to think seriously upon these matters both out of the just love of self and the security of his potential offspring. While I do not deny that there exists just cause to hope for the woman’s healing, the threat of either failure to achieve this cure or the likelihood of relapse would seem to counsel against this course. Properly directed charity and prudence both seem to point to leaving this woman.
 
Wow…I’m not only surprised, I’m shocked to see comments like “That makes me sick” from people who consider themselves Catholic. Where would we be if Jesus had said that to the woman at the well? To the adulteress? To Mary Magdelene? 😦

LovingHusband, I’m a recent convert (well, I will officially be confirmed after the Easter Vigil 😃 ), bisexual woman, and am married to a Catholic man. Unlike your wife, I didn’t know about my sexuality until after I had been married to my husband for several years. I’m no expert, but I can tell you that personal counseling and couples’ counseling as well as time with our priest has been of great help to us both and to our relationship.

I realize that you will have to deal with the possible anger of your wife when she realizes you have snooped. Don’t justify your snooping, though it’s fine to tell her in a calm, non-defensive way, why you felt the need to do so. If you try to defend your actions, she’s likely to get involved in a fight with you over your snooping **instead **of talking about the real issue here–her possible infidelity.

First of all, you may find great support, help, and amazing advice by visiting/joining the Straight Spouse Network. Though it’s not a Catholic organization, I’ve met many straight spouses of online friends who’ve found great comfort there, and I think it may be helpful for you.

Your wife may be using her SSA as an excuse for falling in to temptation. However, it’s also possible that, due to the way our society treats those with SSAs, she may either be unaware of the intensity of her feelings or be more lesbian than bisexual.

Many, many gay and lesbian individuals (especially those of us brought up in traditional/conservative families and churches) find themselves trying to be “normal” by entering into heterosexual unions and attempting to do away with their SSA. Unfortunately, this very, very rarely ends in any real happiness for them or their partner. 😦 If your wife is one of these people, she needs help to feel comfortable with who she is and with the assistance of a therapist, your priest, and/or you, to make a decision about how she can best live a life of faith and honesty. As hard as it may be to consider a life without her as your wife, if that’s the path she chooses, you’ll know that you’ll be in a much better place than you would be if you ignored what’s happening right now and allowed this to go on. The longer this lasts, the harder it is–especially once children are a part of the family. 😦

Just in case your wife decides she is lesbian but *wants *to make a monogamous marriage work, there is also a small online support group for people with mixed orientation marriages (i.e. marriages where one person has an SSA and one doesn’t) who are committed to making a monogamous marriage work. It can be a very positive place with a very unique take on how to make something most think is impossible, possible. I found a lot of hope there while I was a member a couple years ago. You can find out more here: groups.yahoo.com/group/MMOMW/

On the other hand, your wife may truly *be *bisexual, in which case she, like I, can find at least some (if not a lot of) satisfaction with someone of the opposite sex. 🙂 If so, with the help of professionals, you can decide what she needs to do in order to stay in touch with her bisexuality while remaining within the bonds of a monogamous relationship. For me, that currently means reading non-fiction books about others like me, sometimes watching movies that feature bisexual/lesbian characters, talking with my husband about my feelings, spending time in support groups and with like-minded Christian/Catholic friends, journaling my feelings and thoughts, and reading devotionals meant for LGBT people of faith. My husband and I work these things out together and decide upon what will help me without hurting him. In the reading I’ve done, it seems that those who try to totally avoid all thoughts of their SSA end up dealing with a huge crisis at a later part of their life. They seem to be more successful at dealing with it by accepting its presence and finding supportive ways of coping (similar to the way an alcoholic goes to AA, *not *that an SSA is an addiction…).

One way or another, I do agree with those who say you should address this issue and do it soon. Your wife’s activities are a cry for help–she obviously loves you as she indicates that she doesn’t want to leave you, but she must feel that something is missing in her life or she wouldn’t be engaging in these self-destructive pursuits. Maybe she needs to spend more time connecting with you and with God. Maybe she needs to express her SSA in ways that will help her without hurting you (in other words, *not *by cheating!). I hope that you two can talk about this and figure out what will work for you.

Without going into much detail (this post is way too long as it is! :eek: ), the place my husband and I find ourselves is not an easy one. We didn’t chose it, but we have faith that we are where we are meant to be. With a lot of faith, a lot of grace, and God’s constant presence in our life and marriage, we’re making a seemingly impossible situation work. We’re very happy. It took us over 3 years to get to this point, but it was worth it! I’ll be thinking of you and your wife and keeping you in my prayers. If either of you want to contact me personally, feel free–just send me a PM.

I realize not all of the things I’ve expressed here are completely in keeping with the official Catholic stance on homosexuality. I hope that isn’t a problem. I think, as a matter of conscience, sometimes we have to do what is best in our situation, basing our decisions on a combination of prayer, contemplation, discussions with people we trust (such as a priest, deacon, or other religious person), and faith. I run a group for Catholic young adults and have heard several of our speakers (all of whom were Catholic and most of whom were priests or Catholic theologists/professors) express a similar view. 🙂
 
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