Need help with club soccer

[SoccerMum]

I am in a serious conundrum and really want an outside, unbiased perspective on this. I hope some of you can help!
My daughter is 12 and is on a club soccer team, which she loves. She works hard, attends practice, has a good attitude. This is a really competitive team, and she was thrilled to make it last year. But, she’s not one of the better players.
Two weeks ago we traveled to a tournament almost 3 hours away. We paid for a hotel, food, and helped cover the coach’s costs - the entire weekend ended up costing us about $1,200.

On Saturday, we had two games. During the first game, we were tied 1-1 most of the game, and my daughter did not play at all. The coach did not say anything to my daughter, and another girl (who also didn’t play.) My daughter had not skipped any practices.

My daughter held it together until we got into the car, and then she broke down. We perked her up and told her that this happens in competitive sports, and to talk to her coach about it. We had a second game later that day, which we won 2-0. My daughter played the last 6 minutes of that 80-minute match. Again, she broke down back at the hotel. We were heartbroken, but encouraged her to take it in stride.

Sunday’s game - daughter did not play. It killed me to watch her doing jumping jacks on the sideline to stay warmed up for that game. We pay $400 a month for her to be a part of this team. She practices three days a week and we are a very supportive family. She did not deserve this.

Last game on Sunday was very close. Had my daughter gotten decent playing time in the previous matches, I would have understood minimal or no playing time in the final. However, she was tossed in as an afterthought for about 3 minutes in the 2nd half. We ended up losing 1-0 for 2nd place, and my daughter was expected to cheer and smile as her team received the second place trophy. All the way home, she sobbed.

I am very torn, because a part of me thinks this is an opportunity for my daughter to really dig in and improve her game so that she can play more, and learn to take rejection and disappointment with grace. I want her to develop a thick skin and a can-do attitude.

On the other hand, we paid quite a bit of money and spent an entire weekend out of town to watch our child play only a few minutes. She is a good kid and I know she wasn’t being punished for behavior. She simply is one of the weaker players on this team, and the coach didn’t want to “risk” playing anyone but his best.

I’m not sure if this is a situation where I encourage my daughter to speak to her coach, or if her dad and I need to step in and have that conversation. I know by 12, kids need to be learning to navigate their own problems without mommy and daddy swooping in. However, I feel very mama bearish about this. I think the coach should have warned us ahead of time that she wasn’t going to be getting playing time, and told us to stay home.

I really need some unbiased advice here, because I want to do what is best for my child. I can’t really see past my own anger and hurt for her. This coach is not a nasty person, but he prioritizes winning.

 

[Lee1]

I’m in the UK but we had a similar experience with a son. He was fine with skills etc but on the field he lacked vibrancy, didn’t run fast enough or for long enough. This was due to lacking stamina and the muscle to play energetically for long. He eventually didn’t want to go anymore because he wasn’t picked to play often enough and so we didn’t have to make that decision.

Now he’s older he runs marathons! It was just at the age you speak of he didn’t have the wherewithal to compete well enough on the field.

 

[Katie777]

I personally would ask the coach about it and decide from his/her answer.

It’s common to sit out younger or new players unless they are exceptional star players from the get go in club, travel and varsity level sports.

If this is the answer you get, I would wait it out … If not, then you can sign your dd up for a less competive rec league that she will get more playing time.

 

[edtaylor51]

This is a tough one. Travel sports get very competitive, and winning at all costs sometimes overrides individual skill development.

Learning to advocate for yourself is a good skill for a child to learn, so encouraging - but not forcing - her to approach th coach would be a good first step.

If she can’t or won’t confront him, I’d have a talk with the coach and express concern that your daughter isn’t improving since she can’t get in the game to develop her skills against better players. If you can’t come to an understanding with the coach, I’d find a different club and find out the coaches strategy and philosophy ahead of time, or find a rec league. The problem with rec leagues, though, is that the level of competition isn’t always strong enough to develop skills (my son is in a rec league right now, and he’s not getting better despite scoring 5 goals per game).

Parenting is tough! I’m always certain every decision I’m making is wrong.

 

[JanetF]

I personally would ask the coach about it and decide from his/her answer.

It’s common to sit out younger or new players unless they are exceptional star players from the get go in club, travel and varsity level sports.

If this is the answer you get, I would wait it out … If not, then you can sign your dd up for a less competive rec league that she will get more playing time.

Have your HUSBAND talk to the coach. Lay it out simple. “It’s killing me financially for this sport and my kid never plays, should she quit? What are her chances of playing more?”

Skip the hard-work-daughter-crying emotional mom stuff. (Coming from an emotional mom!)

I agree with both of these options. Sometimes guy-to-guy conversations are called for. We girls may not like it, but if it works…

 

[TheLittleLady]

Adding to this, simply paying $400 does not guarantee playing time in these competitive travel teams. Take a look at it, is this something your daughter sees as a viable sport to get a Uni Scholarship or is it just a hobby. If it is a hobby, then, find a less competitive team through the Y or Boy’s Club.

If she wants to improve, it likely means summer soccer camps and hours of practice on top of team practice.

 

[TC3033]

Was there ever a parent meeting at the beginning of the year? I coached club and high school soccer, and now competitive club hockey and we always had meetings in the beginning of the year. One point of those meetings was (and is with my son moving up an age bracket) tournaments and playing time. During the season we will try to get everyone “similar” but obviously not the same playing time, but at tournament (especially if we’re going to be competitive) the bench may be shortened and your child’s playing time may be reduced.

Now, with a player in your daughter’s situation I may have recommended you stay home. There’s no reason to take a 12 year old on a 3hr trip to play less than 10 min across an entire weekend…hell, I was once that player that was recommended to stay home.

Is your daughter seeing much more significant playing time through the regular season, or is she still just seeing minimal time? If it’s still minimal time, I agree with the above that you or her dad should speak with the coach about her playing time, cost, and time commitment just to be on the bench. If you get the runaround it may be time to look at a less competitive league where she will get more game touches. If she’s the lowest on the totem pole, practices and next to no game time may be hindering her development rather than progressing it.

That was something that I noticed at 14. I volunteered to play down a level, I wasn’t having fun, wasn’t playing a ton and when I did I couldn’t hardly possess the ball. Just one year of playing down a level and getting a ton of game touches and goals did wonders for my progress and confidence. It also didn’t help being pulled up to the U14 team when I was 12…

 

[Katie777]

Adding to this, simply paying $400 does not guarantee playing time in these competitive travel teams. Take a look at it, is this something your daughter sees as a viable sport to get a Uni Scholarship or is it just a hobby. If it is a hobby, then, find a less competitive team through the Y or Boy’s Club.

If she wants to improve, it likely means summer soccer camps and hours of practice on top of team practice.

Yes. Travel, club and varsity are not learning- level leagues.

Usually travel and club coaches pull players from rec at this age during try outs in our area. High school has try outs to determine level.

Op, if your dd was recruited it’s different then if you just signed her up, so keep that in mind too. Sometimes teams need a certain number of players …whether they play or not.

 

[redbetta]

Maybe your daughter would be better at another sport.

Also, I agree, the coach should have told you guys to just stay home.

 

[SoccerMum]

Yes, I certainly don’t think that we are guaranteed playing time just because we pay. We always knew she wasn’t going to be a starter from the get-go. But, I guess I do expect her to play at least 15 minutes a match, for most matches. I certainly expect a fair heads-up if we are traveling hours away to a tournament that our daughter is going to see almost no field time. We have three kids, so it’s a big deal for us to pack up and travel to a hotel just to have our daughter crushed game after game.

At the very least, I think the coach should have pulled my kid aside after the first game and explained that he realizes not playing is hard, and embarrassing, and that she is still a valuable member of the team. He said nothing!

 

[SoccerMum]

Yes, there was a parent meeting over the summer. We always knew there was no playing-time guarantee, and the coach specifically said that skipped practices and bad attitudes, being late and not having equipment would all result in loss of some playing time. We were so on board with that because I think that’s a great lesson for kids.

We know our daughter is not yet at “star” level, but she did try out and make the team. As another parent said to me, “Somebody has to be the weakest link.” There is another player, too, that saw almost no time over the weekend. Together, we could have probably saved close to $3,000 had the coach been honest and told us ahead of time that our kids would not be playing!

Unfortunately, our club doesn’t have a “B” or silver-level team for my daughter’s age group. I can’t help but wonder if they are just collecting our checks to subsidize the team, all the while focusing on more superstar players. My daughter does have the potential to be a solid team member in the middle of the pack - but not if she gets no playing time!

 

[TC3033]

As another parent said to me, “Somebody has to be the weakest link.”

Agreed, but at 12 yrs old, that “weakest link” still deserves playing time.

There is another player, too, that saw almost no time over the weekend. Together, we could have probably saved close to $3,000 had the coach been honest and told us ahead of time that our kids would not be playing!

He honestly should have come clean.

Unfortunately, our club doesn’t have a “B” or silver-level team for my daughter’s age group.

is there any sort of rec or “in house” league?

I can’t help but wonder if they are just collecting our checks to subsidize the team, all the while focusing on more superstar players.

How many kids are on the team?

Question: How many substitutions are allowed? limited or unlimited?

 

[SoccerMum]

There is AYSO, but honestly, she’s too good for AYSO and that’s why we left last year. She was consistently best on her team, and unless my husband coached every year, she often got “coaches” who had NO idea how to even play soccer, or even properly strike a ball. I talked to the director of AYSO and he said there is “no guarantee that any coach has soccer experience or knowledge aside from one 90-minute training.” Um, no!

We COULD travel about half an hour to another club that is a bit less prestigious that has a silver team at her age.

There are currently 17 on the roster and unlimited subs for league games and most tournaments.

 

[AngelusDomini]

Sorry to sound harsh but this is the lot of professional sportsmanship. You’re paying for it and it’s your choice.

 

[AuldP]

Here’s my advice based on experience (please don’t label me as sexist):

Have your HUSBAND talk to the coach. Lay it out simple. “It’s killing me financially for this sport and my kid never plays, should she quit? What are her chances of playing more?”

Skip the hard-work-daughter-crying emotional mom stuff. (Coming from an emotional mom!)

THIS !!! Someone -or some organisation is making lots out of you and your family,. I was paying 50p (30c) at the same age -admittedly not yesterday - BTW Monicad - YOU ARE SEXIST ! LOL

 

[tafan2]

Club youth sports: American lunacy at it’s worse.
Been there done that. No good answer to the OP delima, except go back to playing in a rec league, have fun, and save money.

We wonder why we don’t qualify for the world cup, when 20 years ago soccer was going gangbusters as a youth sports. It’s easy, we are the only country in the world that has turned youth soccer into a rich man’s game.

Same reason why there are few minorities from the US in major league baseball. It’s a sport for rich kids only.

 

[Pattylt]

I think I’d start by talking to my daughter. Was this emotional reaction just a release of her disappointment or has it lingered past the next few days. I’d tell her to think hard over what she wants to do. She can use this experience to motivate herself to really get down and improve her skills or she have to accept that until she does, she may be a bench warmer for a time. I’d also point out that if she improves and gets more game time it’s going to feel so much more earned because she had to sit for so many games. If she wants to continue, I’d then talk to the coach and let him know that she is aware she needs to earn her game time but financially YOU need to know when that is because you can’t afford the travel expense if she’s just a benchwarmer. So, I’d start with her then go to the coach if she wants to stay. If she doesn’t and you could manage the other league, I’d go there. If you couldn’t make that league work I’d let the dd know it’s going to be the rec league or none at all. Will high school give her further opportunities?

 

[on_the_hill]

My daughter played club soccer for several years at one of the “academy” teams. The teams were small (generally fewer than 14 people and playing time wasn’t an issue).

First, I encourage her/you to quit club soccer. Based on my experience and what I learned from a national collegiate sports figure: there are some good coaches in club sports, but club sports are essentially working with a business model. Your child’s development, fun, enjoyment, experience is not the top priority. Making money is the top priority.

Second, if there is an opportunity to participate in scholastic soccer, I highly encourage it. Scholastic sports develop a sense of community and belonging that club sports never do.

Third, consider how much money you’re spending and what the likely payout will be. College scholarship? There are vastly more amounts of money available in non-sports scholarships. Also, who’s to say your daughter will still want to play soccer a few years from now?

Fourth, in my experience, the MOMS have a lot more influence with coaches than the dads do. Coaches are afraid of moms. Dad talks to the coach, and they’ll be a couple guys trying to work out a compromise that the dad loses. Mom talks to the coach and she will back him down with a quickness.

Fifth, coaches always tune out parents who ask about playing time. Mentioning it to him will absolutely confine your daughter to where she’s at now.

 

[Axsenex]

Many dreamed of playing in world class football/soccer but only 1% get to experience that… luck is not given at will.

 

[on_the_hill]

Same reason why there are few minorities from the US in major league baseball. It’s a sport for rich kids only.

Actually, as proportions, there are more Hispanic players in major league baseball than in the population. The US is 72.4% white, and 63.7% MLB players are white. 16.3% of Americans identify as Hispanic but they make up 27.4% of MLB players. The difference is with blacks, who are about 13% of the population and represent about half that percent in MLB.