Need help with son who is bisexual

[memphian]

I have a son who is 20 years old and walked away from the church. Long story short, he says he is bisexual, my wife and I have been on the path of prayer and re-establishing our relationship with him. I am leaving out a lot of details, however, bisexuality aside, he has been financially irresponsible (took college classes we paid for, dropped a few, failed a few, spends all his money, refused to help on car insurance we bought for him and lost the car through an accident and is debt for a payday loan, job to job…). On my end, while he was in high school, I did a lot of yelling - I was under serious job pressures and in a depression. We have been through ups and downs, and we have been in a lot of prayer for him and really working to rebuild the relationship.

He loves acting and theatre and we found out he is in a play (Hairspray) in which the cast will do a dance routine for a Gay Pride Event this coming week. Just yesterday, my wife picked him up from a friend’s house and while in the car, he told his mother about the event in a general conversation to which she replied “your choice”. He felt judged and an argument ensued which ended in him saying sarcastically “thanks for your support”. His mom wasn’t intending to anger him, but at the same time letting him know his choices will have consequences.

As his mother and I discussed the matter we realized he may need a ride to the Gay Pride event. Our question is will we be morally culpable if we take him to the event, having full knowledge of the nature of the event? If he is able to get a ride to the event, I have no issues with picking him up after the event as an act of love. I also feel as a father I need to let him know, objectively yet gently, yes, his actions may have serious spiritual consequences.

I expect a whole range of responses, so I appreciate any thought you may have. Thanks!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I have a son who is 20 years old and walked away from the church. Long story short, he says he is bisexual, my wife and I have been on the path of prayer and re-establishing our relationship with him. I am leaving out a lot of details, however, bisexuality aside, he has been financially irresponsible (took college classes we paid for, dropped a few, failed a few, spends all his money, refused to help on car insurance we bought for him and lost the car through an accident and is debt for a payday loan, job to job…). On my end, while he was in high school, I did a lot of yelling - I was under serious job pressures and in a depression. We have been through ups and downs, and we have been in a lot of prayer for him and really working to rebuild the relationship.

He loves acting and theatre and we found out he is in a play (Hairspray) in which the cast will do a dance routine for a Gay Pride Event this coming week. Just yesterday, my wife picked him up from a friend’s house and while in the car, he told his mother about the event in a general conversation to which she replied “your choice”. He felt judged and an argument ensued which ended in him saying sarcastically “thanks for your support”. His mom wasn’t intending to anger him, but at the same time letting him know his choices will have consequences.

As his mother and I discussed the matter we realized he may need a ride to the Gay Pride event. Our question is will we be morally culpable if we take him to the event, having full knowledge of the nature of the event? If he is able to get a ride to the event, I have no issues with picking him up after the event as an act of love. I also feel as a father I need to let him know, objectively yet gently, yes, his actions may have serious spiritual consequences.

I expect a whole range of responses, so I appreciate any thought you may have. Thanks!

1 sounds like you have a rocky relationship with a 20 year old. I’d recommend keeping the irresponsibility and bisexuality separate. You need to cut strings financially. He needs his own space to learn and fail, and to buy his own insurance. Not, pay mom and dad but actually be independent. And yes, he may not be responsible and get car insurance and he may lose his license. That may have to happen without your interference. If it’s your car he is driving, remedy that.
2. It’s wonderful that he has direction and passion in one aspect. His acting. You should support that and be proud of his skills and accomplishments. This is the area in which you should forge your bond and keep the relationship healthy.
I don’t know if you mentioned if he is living with you or not but if he is, it’s your right and parental responsibility, yes, even at 20 to ensure your house has rules, no guys or girls, spending the night etc.
3. While remaining supportive do not engage in pride or LGBT events with him.
4. The “your choice” comment was unfortunate. It invites defensiveness. He must know your disapproval so hounding it is unproductive. Ignoring the LGBT normalcy comments and politely changing the subject is the way to go.
5. You virtually leave out your your faith life and His in your information. Why? Is he involved in Church? Did you live a faithful household growing up, praying together, discussing the faith etc?
6. Get your behind to adoration. Do this often. Have a schedule!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I have a son who is 20 years old and walked away from the church. Long story short, he says he is bisexual, my wife and I have been on the path of prayer and re-establishing our relationship with him. I am leaving out a lot of details, however, bisexuality aside, he has been financially irresponsible (took college classes we paid for, dropped a few, failed a few, spends all his money, refused to help on car insurance we bought for him and lost the car through an accident and is debt for a payday loan, job to job…). On my end, while he was in high school, I did a lot of yelling - I was under serious job pressures and in a depression. We have been through ups and downs, and we have been in a lot of prayer for him and really working to rebuild the relationship.

He loves acting and theatre and we found out he is in a play (Hairspray) in which the cast will do a dance routine for a Gay Pride Event this coming week. Just yesterday, my wife picked him up from a friend’s house and while in the car, he told his mother about the event in a general conversation to which she replied “your choice”. He felt judged and an argument ensued which ended in him saying sarcastically “thanks for your support”. His mom wasn’t intending to anger him, but at the same time letting him know his choices will have consequences.

As his mother and I discussed the matter we realized he may need a ride to the Gay Pride event. Our question is will we be morally culpable if we take him to the event, having full knowledge of the nature of the event? If he is able to get a ride to the event, I have no issues with picking him up after the event as an act of love. I also feel as a father I need to let him know, objectively yet gently, yes, his actions may have serious spiritual consequences.

I expect a whole range of responses, so I appreciate any thought you may have. Thanks!

I might sound mean, but a 20 year old man can provide his own transportation to and from places. I took the bus on my own at age 14. My mom didn’t drive, so I needed to walk or take a bus until I could drive. I’d say this irrespective of where he needed to go.

He needs to be more responsible for his life. One way is to not be disrespectful to his parents. Your wife picked him up from a friend’s house and instead of saying, “thanks mom” he picked on her over not responding the way he wanted her to.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I might sound mean, but a 20 year old man can provide his own transportation to and from places. I took the bus on my own at age 14. My mom didn’t drive, so I needed to walk or take a bus until I could drive. I’d say this irrespective of where he needed to go.

He needs to be more responsible for his life. One way is to not be disrespectful to his parents. Your wife picked him up from a friend’s house and instead of saying, “thanks mom” he picked on her over not responding the way he wanted her to.

Yep!

 

[Allegra]

You don’t need to give him a ride anywhere. I’m sure he can find the number for the cab company, or even get a ride from one of the other cast members. I think you should encourage his acting and attend the performance, but this event is another story. I would not participate in that. If you have been supportive of his acting in the past, it shouldn’t be too hard for him to understand that your not participating in a gay-pride event is not being unsupportive of his acting.

 

[Peter_J]

As a stranger on the internet, I’m not sure I should be telling you whether or not to give your son a ride. But I would like to say, I think the document Always Our Children: A Pastoral Message To Parents Of Homosexual Children And Suggestions For Pastoral Ministers does a great job talking about these issues.

 

[CatholicSpirit]

Gay Catholics do exist, contrary to popular belief. It is not God throwing them away, it is them throwing away God.

Please see the LBGT outreach of this ministry: spsact.org/main-menu/franciscan-center/outreach-opportunities/open-hearts-lgbt-support/

 

[Peter_J]

Gay Catholics do exist, contrary to popular belief.

Well, I would hope that not very many people claim that gay Catholics don’t exist. (I’m guessing the people who think that are the same ones who say that people choose to be gay.)

Please see the LBGT outreach of this ministry: spsact.org/main-menu/franciscan-center/outreach-opportunities/open-hearts-lgbt-support/

Hopefully this isn’t a rash judgment, but from what I’ve heard about that ministry it seems to be a bit on the liberal side. I would be more inclined to recommend spiritualfriendship.org.

 

[memphian]

Gay Catholics do exist, contrary to popular belief. It is not God throwing them away, it is them throwing away God.

Please see the LBGT outreach of this ministry: spsact.org/main-menu/franciscan-center/outreach-opportunities/open-hearts-lgbt-support/

Agreed. I’m seeking advice on attending the event, not on totally rejecting my son.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

You don’t need to give him a ride anywhere. I’m sure he can find the number for the cab company, or even get a ride from one of the other cast members. I think you should encourage his acting and attend the performance, but this event is another story. I would not participate in that. If you have been supportive of his acting in the past, it shouldn’t be too hard for him to understand that your not participating in a gay-pride event is not being unsupportive of his acting.

Exactly.

 

[MaryT777]

As a stranger on the internet, I’m not sure I should be telling you whether or not to give your son a ride. But I would like to say, I think the document Always Our Children: A Pastoral Message To Parents Of Homosexual Children And Suggestions For Pastoral Ministers does a great job talking about these issues.

That was an excellent article. Thanks for the link.

 

[memphian]

1 sounds like you have a rocky relationship with a 20 year old. I’d recommend keeping the irresponsibility and bisexuality separate. You need to cut strings financially. He needs his own space to learn and fail, and to buy his own insurance. Not, pay mom and dad but actually be independent. And yes, he may not be responsible and get car insurance and he may lose his license. That may have to happen without your interference. If it’s your car he is driving, remedy that.

As far as the car, I expect him to buy his own car. He has no car and is bumming rides. We bought him one 2 years back, and through his own irresponsibility he decided to sell it to pay off a payday loan. We advised him not to sell the car, but the stress of debt made him feel he had to sell the car. I wanted him to keep the car so he could work and pay off the loan. But he chose otherwise, so we are now allowing him to feel the pain of his choices. What is sad is that he is still in debt, but without a car to get to work.

1. It’s wonderful that he has direction and passion in one aspect. His acting. You should support that and be proud of his skills and accomplishments. This is the area in which you should forge your bond and keep the relationship healthy.
   I don’t know if you mentioned if he is living with you or not but if he is, it’s your right and parental responsibility, yes, even at 20 to ensure your house has rules, no guys or girls, spending the night etc.

My wife, my mother (who he is living with) and cast members are helping him get to and from rehearsals. We are trying to support him and encourage him and communicate to him we deeply love him.
He is living with his paternal grandmother. She is being patient yet firm (locked him out 3 nights ago and he ended up sleeping on the patio…) As far as my own home, if he were to return home, I would expect him to get a bike and work at a local burger joint. If this didn’t happen, I would seriously consider a shelter. His grandmother is far more patient, but I imagine she will demand more responsibility as time goes on. She was married to my father, an alcoholic for over 30 years. She believes in compassion, patience and time. While not disagreeing with her, if he were in my home, I would raise the bar of responsibility. He has friends who have been in and out of jail with parents that seemingly condone the behavior. Our actions are very different, and it seems baffle him that we require him to grow up.

1. While remaining supportive do not engage in pride or LGBT events with him.
   This is why I posted my question. I want to be supportive, and I seek faithful Catholics to weigh in on this issue.
2. The “your choice” comment was unfortunate. It invites defensiveness. He must know your disapproval so hounding it is unproductive. Ignoring the LGBT normalcy comments and politely changing the subject is the way to go.

I discussed the comment with my wife; according to her she meant it to be “matter of factly” not as a challenge. I don’t believe she was in any way “hounding” him. Because he will eventually need a ride to the event and may ask us, I can’t ignore the issue when he asks to be taken to the event. He may ask me to take him, and we will have to stand our ground. Because I can’t run from this issue, I ask for help from faithful Catholics. I intuited/knew it would be wrong for me to support it, but to be wise and prudential, I wanted opinions from good folks. Perhaps there is a side I am not seeing? Otherwise, we are quietly walking with him. He seems to be in relationships with girls lately - according to him, his experience with same sex partners is unfulfilling and filled with “drama”.

1. You virtually leave out your your faith life and His in your information. Why? Is he involved in Church? Did you live a faithful household growing up, praying together, discussing the faith etc?

I didn’t want to post my entire life story. We are converts, he was 5 yrs old when we came “home” and crossed the Tiber. He was homeschooled until 6th grade. We put him in public school; as mentioned I was in a depression due to job pressures. We were in a parish that wasn’t the most supportive parish I’ve experienced. In school he was a lead theatre student and I believe the staff did a lot plays promoting gay rights. I “assume” he may have had some sexual experiences with male peers, but I’m unsure. Add all this together and you get a kid who feels unaccepted by the church. We’ve done family rosaries, attended retreats, you name it during his formative years… He often asks us for prayer and knows we love him. Again, I see a potential storm brewing with upcoming event, and the unfortunate argument between him and his mother was a precipitating event.

1. Get your behind to adoration. Do this often. Have a schedule!

We’ve been praying rosaries and fasting. He’s mentioned he feels God is challenging him, and even had a few spiritual experiences he’s shared. And yes, I’ve moved my fasting to a regular scheduled fast. I don’t know what will happen in the end, but I believe devils tremble when rosaries are prayed and fasting occurs. My charismatic protestant heritage taught me the power of fasting. Another story- another time, fasting is how I ended up discovering the Church in all it’s beauty and glory.

 

[memphian]

Exactly this. You’re his parents, not his taxi service.

Also what Hoosier Daddy said, you need to keep the irresponsibility and bisexuality separate. Bisexuality is part of his internal identity; irresponsibility is not, unless you associate the two.

Thank you… Agreed…

 

[memphian]

I don’t get how picking him up from the event is “an act of love” but driving him there is not.
In both cases, you are making sure he travels from point A to point B safely.

I highly suggest encouraging him in his acting.
If this is something he is talented at and loves, his pursuing of it could change his life around and make him very happy. He is probably very excited if the parade is one of his first public performances and maybe even nervous, so would hope for your support.
It’s not exactly easy to get parts when one is starting out. He might be very good at this.

He may also be wanting to join his fellow cast-mates performing at the parade partly because he does not want to let them down–they have a routine and he’s a part of it, it might not work well without him.
He may even be the main dancer in it.

I look at this more as him trying to be responsible and a team player and throwing his energies into a project that inspires him, which is good!

.

Are you suggesting that taking him to a Gay Pride Parade celebrating open acts of homosexuality outside of Church teaching is an act of love? Perhaps I don’t understand you?

He’s been acting since 4 years old. Yes, we fully support him within as far as our faith will allow. I’m fully aware not attending the event may hurt him and affect the performance. And we have full intention on attending the play, but not the gay pride event.

 

[memphian]

That was an excellent article. Thanks for the link.

Wonderful article, thank you!

 

[Peter_J]

That was an excellent article. Thanks for the link.

Thank you and you’re welcome.

I spend so much time reading anonymous posts on an Internet discussion forum, I figure once in a while it won’t kill me to read a Church document.

 

[Peter_J]

I don’t get how picking him up from the event is “an act of love” but driving him there is not.
In both cases, you are making sure he travels from point A to point B safely.

As I indicated in my first post, I don’t feel like I should be telling someone I don’t know what he should or shouldn’t be giving his son rides to; but my gut suggests to me that it isn’t an unreasonable compromise to offer to give him a ride home afterwards, but not a ride to it.

But I think the deeper issue is whether his son will interpret the message as “We want you to listen to our side, but we don’t want to listen to your side.”

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

We’ve been praying rosaries and fasting. He’s mentioned he feels God is challenging him, and even had a few spiritual experiences he’s shared. And yes, I’ve moved my fasting to a regular scheduled fast. I don’t know what will happen in the end, but I believe devils tremble when rosaries are prayed and fasting occurs. My charismatic protestant heritage taught me the power of fasting. Another story- another time, fasting is how I ended up discovering the Church in all it’s beauty and glory.

I’m very impressed with your response. I honestly think you are doing well with a difficult adult child. Thanks for going into further detail as it really clears the situation up.

As far as going to PRIDE events. That’s a nope!
Not unless you want to evangelize at them.

But I really get it. Your son reminds me of me minus the bisexuality at 20. Payday loans, irresponsibility, etc. so I see that side. My wife and I were also converts. Living in odd situations…

I won’t sidetrack the thread with further stories but if you want to PM me you can.

 

[signit]

He loves acting and theatre and we found out he is in a play (Hairspray) in which the cast will do a dance routine for a Gay Pride Event this coming week. Just yesterday, my wife picked him up from a friend’s house and while in the car, he told his mother about the event in a general conversation to which she replied “your choice”. He felt judged and an argument ensued which ended in him saying sarcastically “thanks for your support”. His mom wasn’t intending to anger him, but at the same time letting him know his choices will have consequences.

As his mother and I discussed the matter we realized he may need a ride to the Gay Pride event. Our question is will we be morally culpable if we take him to the event, having full knowledge of the nature of the event? If he is able to get a ride to the event, I have no issues with picking him up after the event as an act of love. I also feel as a father I need to let him know, objectively yet gently, yes, his actions may have serious spiritual consequences.

I’ll leave the general responsibility issue to the other commenters.

But I would not refuse to take him to the event just because it’s a Gay Pride event, simply because it might not have been his call to perform for the event.

I highly suggest encouraging him in his acting.
If this is something he is talented at and loves, his pursuing of it could change his life around and make him very happy. He is probably very excited if the parade is one of his first public performances and maybe even nervous, so would hope for your support.
It’s not exactly easy to get parts when one is starting out. He might be very good at this.

He may also be wanting to join his fellow cast-mates performing at the parade partly because he does not want to let them down–they have a routine and he’s a part of it, it might not work well without him.
He may even be the main dancer in it.

I look at this more as him trying to be responsible and a team player and throwing his energies into a project that inspires him, which is good!

Absolutely agree.

 

[memphian]

I’m suggesting that…the good reasons you want to pick him up from the parade (He has no car; you want to make sure he travels safely?; you want to lessen his stress of trying to find a ride?) also exist as good reasons to give him a lift to the event.

If you feel as though “taking him to a Gay Pride Parade celebrating open acts of homosexuality outside of Church teaching” is *not *an act of love, then why is picking him up from “a Gay Pride Parade celebrating open acts of homosexuality outside of Church teaching” any different?

It’s not as though he’s not going to go if you don’t take him.
And picking him up there doesn’t mean he didn’t take part.

It’s not making sense to me why a drive one-way is okay to you, but not a drive the other way. Both ways are directly linked to the event.

That’s all.

.

I believe, if I take him, I am indirectly supporting the event itself. If I pick him up, I am ensuring he gets a ride from the parade. I don’t see both ways as directly linked to the event. I support him, but not the event.