Need Parenting advice- 13 yo daughter caught lying, cursing heavily on social media

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Preteens need to know how to navigate the Web in healthy ways and sometimes they are not ready at this young age to have data on phones that are not monitored with close supervision nearby.

If the child has trouble socializing, interacting with kids in real life trumps a website that teaches negative aspects of this. It can also become a crutch or further stunt social skills.

Also, removing a data plan from a phone does not mean this child can never visit websites. A parent can supervise on a laptop or computer until lessons of Internet safety and etiquette is learned.
 
You seem to be of the opinion that all socialization is good socialization. That simply isn’t true. And it’s very concerning to me that you immediately dismiss the possibility that older people would be communicating with this child online. There’s a thread on this forum right now about how people assume that cartoons and comics are only for young kids when they aren’t. Aside from that, just because young kids are the target audience of something, doesn’t mean adults (particularly not fully developed adults) won’t be interested in them. That doesn’t even take into account the well-researched fact that predators who are seeking kids interact with often purposefully seek out such forums. For those reasons, reasonable surveillance is appropriate with any 13yo, and especially with a child that is socially awkward. One “vents” in a diary or to a trusted friend in a private conversation. An online forum is neither private, nor are its users friends. That’s what a 13yo is too immature to understand, and that’s the discussion the OP needs to have with her daughter.
 
Also: most Social Services these days recommend that parents also have their child logged in such a way on the phone; that the parent can go onto their own phone later to check what online content their Child is accessing, and make the child aware of this (so that they will use the internet in an accountable/ responsible way).

Children are not to be given unsupervised access to the internet is the new rule-of-thumb advice being given to parents .

Also: children need to be taught first how to use electronic devices responsibly and accountably, and how to respond to comments from friends, etc
 
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Wow - thank you for this response- you articulated exactly what I was about to respond to (name removed by moderator).
 
If she is lying she is doing wrong. Lies are sins, all of them. The culpability may be reduced, but, a parent has every reason to be concerned about lying!
 
I know it’s hard when your kid misbehaves and lies to you, but this level of boundary-pushing seems pretty normal to me. The kid likely needs some correction, but no need to overreact and act like she’s automatically on the highway to hell.

Confront her and get her side of the story first - make sure her brother isn’t somehow mixed up in it. Assuming she did make those posts, it sounds like someone trying out a cool new persona who doesn’t need to follow Mom’s rules. Socially awkward kids often gravitate towards the Internet because they are more comfortable with it than with socializing in person, and because they can play with identities, try on a new self and often discard it for something else.

She likely picked up the language from her peers. Most of the kids in my Catholic school thought of taking the Lord’s name in vain as a figure of speech and didn’t see it as disrespecting Jesus. As a middle-aged person, I have a much greater reverence for the Lord’s name than when I was 13 and didn’t understand what the big deal was when someone interjected it into conversation .

I wouldnt ground her from the Internet entirely, but I think a stern talking to, removing her access for a week, and making her delete those posts or otherwise get off the offending site should send a message.
 
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Dear OP,
Please don’t take her to therapy for cussing and taking the Lord’s name in vain. These are not symptoms of mental illness.

You were a kid once, don’t you remember the conversations you and your friends had when there were no grownups around to hear?

But that being said, she doesn’t need the phone 24/7, you must check it from time to time, but please don’t freak out about this minor stuff. Because when the big issues come up, you’ll never know because then she will have an alter identity online that you’ll never know about…
 
It is a “red flag” when a parent objects when their child uses vulgar language and violates the 2nd Commandment? No, it means the parents are actually parenting. Grandmothers correct parents who talk like that, and they’re withing their rights to do it! If you show no more sense than a 13 year old, you deserve to be corrected like a 13 year old!

Is it unusual for Christians to try to “circumvent” the rules they pretend they follow when they’re around their priest or their grandmother? No, but let’s face it, it is hypocrisy. That is not the faith; that is pretending.

Where on EARTH did you get that, LOL? That is simply preposterous! Absurd!

It has long been the common sense knowledge of essentially every faith tradition that one means of persisting in virtue is to avoid near occasions of sin and even the knowledge of such things.

Try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the fruitless works of darkness; rather expose them, for it is shameful even to mention the things done by them in secret; but everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for everything that becomes visible is light. Therefore, it says:
“Awake, O sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
and Christ will give you light.
Watch carefully then how you live, not as foolish persons but as wise, making the most of the opportunity, because the days are evil. (Eph. 5:10-16)

“He said to his disciples, “Things that cause sin will inevitably occur, but woe to the person through whom they occur. It would be better for him if a millstone were put around his neck and he be thrown into the sea than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.” (Luke 17:1-2)

and of course

“Blessed are the clean of heart, for they will see God.” Matt. 5:8

Search high and low, you will not find in any of the writings of a saint nor in Holy Scriptures that the way to keep from straying into a life of sin is deliberate exposure to it. That advice is not sound.
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
I know it’s hard when your kid misbehaves and lies to you, but this level of boundary-pushing seems pretty normal to me. The kid likely needs some correction, but no need to overreact and act like she’s automatically on the highway to hell.
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0Scarlett_nidiyilii said:
Please don’t take her to therapy for cussing and taking the Lord’s name in vain. These are not symptoms of mental illness.
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Agreed. This issue may seem like a huge deal, but it is well within the typical range of things that parents inevitably need to attend to. It is actually important to treat it as what it is, which is a common mistake that needs correction but is not in any way a reason to re-evaluate the otherwise sterling reputation the girl has earned over the years. She is making mistakes that she needs to stop before they become habits, but I’d be clear with her that I don’t think her choice is unusual at all. Professional help, in contrast, is what is called in when a family problem goes beyond what a family can usually cope with well on their own, such as alcoholism.

When an athlete develops a bad habit, the coach corrects it and explains why it needs correction. The coach does not undermine the athlete’s sense that he or she is developing as an athlete. Instead, I’d point out to her that Jordan Speith has a golf coach and all Christians need to look for sources to help them improve and maintain their good habits, too. Failing happens, but turning around is the main thing.
 
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Dianarose said:
It’s almost as if she is living a secret life on these online forums as a wise-cracking girl who curses like a sailor naturally, and had no problems saying the Lords name in vain…
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Dianarose said:
The deception scares me.
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Don’t let it.

It’s normal for adolescents to experiment with their identities, even when that involves cussing or pretending to be rebellious. The Internet feels like a safe and anonymous place for her to do this.

Your safest bet is to keep searching for a healthy social circle for her - easier said than done, I know. (My daughter is also socially awkward). Look to things like your parish youth ministry, book clubs, or anything that aligns with her interests and passions.

I’m sure to get flamed for saying this, but I don’t think that kids need Smartphone access. At all. There are pre-paid flip phones with monthly, no-contract plans that they can tote around for emergencies or to call for rides, (we pay $35.00/month for two of them), and teens can use the Internet on a PC or laptop that is set up in a well-trafficked part of the home.
 
I’m not going to flame you. I’m seriously considering a smartphone-free household. My kids are too young to do much with one other than learn to dial 911 anyway. As a teacher, I have seen far too much harm done with unfettered internet use.
 
For some reason, my username is not working anymore, and I had to create a new log-in
Thank you to everyone for your advice and insight!..Yes, my initial shock last night of reading almost a year’s worth of her online posts that directly conflicted with her personality as we all know it, put me in a state of disbelief and overreaction. @(name removed by moderator) Give me a bit of a break - she is my first born, and we are just venturing into parenting a teenager 🙂 . @(name removed by moderator) You are right about her being an awesome kid, but completely wrong on all of your assumptions that we have unreasonably high expectations for her. She is extremely self-motivated at school and academics, and also very head-strong and opinionated at home - definitely not a “perfect angel” that we are trying to force sainthood on, or that we make “come home and say rosaries”. (This made me chuckle - obviously my original post left you with a two-dimensional impression of me and my family. ) The problem with my original post is that I did not have the time or mindset to describe our entire family life in order to for (name removed by moderator) and others to know that my daughter has been given a ton of privacy and freedom on the internet, because she had earned it with not only her excellent grades, but because we trust her judgement, and we have had many of the “safe internet” talks to our satisfaction that she would not abuse her internet freedom. So the assumption that she has been given a life of no privacy or freedom, or that we hold crazy, “unreasonable expectations”, is false. Also the assumption that her social media forums are her only meaningful contact that she gets with peers is incorrect - Ever since she was diagnosed as being “in the gray area of the spectrum” at an early age - not a clinical diagnosis of Asperger’s, but having characteristics of (PDD-NOS for those of you familiar with diagnosis codes), we have done everything possible to foster her real-life social interactions. She is not socially incompetent, just somewhat “awkward”, and has challenges forming deeper friendships than just “acquaintances”. We are helping her with this as much as we can while still giving her freedom to just be herself. We have also been warned against too much internet usage, since that is her “comfort - zone”, and she can easily slip into making that her only meaningful contact with peers…which it is not right now - My husband and I are doing everything we can to make sure that it’s not her sole source of social interaction - that would be unhealthy and detrimental to her social growth. The only restriction she had online was time - She would spend 8 hours a day on tech if we let her. I’m not going to let that happen. She gets 2 hours a day of free tech time. We put a lot of effort in inviting kids her age over, having her join clubs that interest her, and foster her other hobbies that she enjoys - art, reading, playing the piano, and swimming - All activities she herself has chosen (none forced). But if she were given unlimited tech time, she would ignore her other interests and just stay in her “socially safe zone” of the tech world. Again, not going to let that happen.
 
(con’t)…
All this said…my original post was a heartfelt plea for suggestions and insight just an hour after reading her f-bombs and foul language splattered all over her forum posts from the past year. It was shocking to me bc it was so out of character for her. I posted immediately to get insight and guidance so I would NOT over-react and make the situation worse. I was just being honest as to how shocked I was. I was by no means a perfect teen, but I never used profanity -it just never felt right, and it still makes me uncomfortable when I hear or read foul language from adults, let alone my 13 year old girl - so maybe that’s why it seemed more shocking to me than others. Prayer is powerful, and I woke up this morning with much clarity and calmness.
After my husband and I spoke about it this morning, we spoke with her privately - calmly and lovingly. There were tears (from her and I both) but no yelling or guilt-laden lectures. Just real talk. I think it went great. She opened up to us more than she has in a very long time. There is still more for us to talk about and figure out, but I think this was a blessing in disguise that may ultimately bring us closer during the dreaded teenage years - God is amazing and always answers our prayers.
We are still unsure of what the new boundaries will be with her tech time - we aren’t going to take it away from her, but there will be much more transparency as we help her navigate the internet world. In hindsight, I see my over-reaction last night, but today I see it as a reminder that 13 is too young to have complete privacy on the wide world web. This isn’t the same thing as a private diary. Like someone said, the internet is forever, and if anything, this will make her think twice about what she posts online. I’m sure this is just the beginning of the challenges of parenting a teen! Thank you to everyone for your advice and insight! I appreciate it very much, especially your prayers!
xoxo
 
Dianarose8 said:
We are still unsure of what the new boundaries will be with her tech time - we aren’t going to take it away from her, but there will be much more transparency as we help her navigate the internet world. In hindsight, I see my over-reaction last night, but today I see it as a reminder that 13 is too young to have complete privacy on the wide world web. This isn’t the same thing as a private diary. Like someone said, the internet is forever, and if anything, this will make her think twice about what she posts online. I’m sure this is just the beginning of the challenges of parenting a teen! Thank you to everyone for your advice and insight! I appreciate it very much, especially your prayers!
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I spend quite a lot of my professional life dealing with youth and privacy, so I think you all learned good lessons from this.

As another, more practical suggestion, I don’t doubt that your daughter’s abrupt change in personality comes out of a desire to fit in at a time when she will be feeling incredibly out of place - that is, after all, the hallmark of puberty. Perhaps you could look into your church to see if there is a teen’s group she can join. If she surrounds herself with people who won’t be impressed by that language and behaviour, she has a better chance of avoiding it in the future.
 
Can I gently suggest that you please break your posts into paragraphs with a space between them?
Huge walls of text are hard for many of us to read.
 
Yes, she is part of the youth ministry at our church. I’m looking forward to it starting back up this fall. Thank you again for all of your insight.
 
Do you have access to FORMED? There are great youth resources available on there that might engage her, given how self-motivated she seems to be.
 
I personally wouldn’t call this “personality change”.
It’s more like “young teenager trying on a role and testing the boundaries”.

Seriously, unless you’re finding real world evidence of cutting, or substance abuse or eating disorder or sexual activity, please don’t go looking for a mental health label.
She’s trying to find her way in a confusing world and doesn’t want to look like a goody two shoes.

That said, you can gently remind her of your standards, from time to time.

Don’t harp, don’t nag.
 
She’ll grow out of it. Apparently I was a right terror as a teenager! Got myself suspended from school twice before they finally kicked me out for good. But I grew out of it! Apparently I am also on the autistic spectrum (“Aspergers” is out dated fyi).
 
In the title, this parent says “daughter caught lying”. I am certain that our friend has not revealed every detail of this issue. If the teen is lying, there is a spiritual component and that is far more concerning than dropping four-letter words.

The OP also said that the teen is taking the Lord’s Name in vain. That is another subjective thing, I know parents, catechists and priests who teach that saying “OMG” is blasphemous. I do not hold that opinion, and do not know what the teen has said online.

You know, the more I think about it, I would most advise @dianarose to reach out to the Office of Youth Ministry at her Diocese. There are amazing folks working in that office and they will have insight that can help. If you do not know how to find that office, look up your Diocese here http://www.catholic-hierarchy.org/
 
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