Need some help; complex family situation

[Mazon]

I’m a Catholic, as are my parents. To give a quick background, last year, my brother effectively destroyed his relationship with all of us (to make a long story short, he was doing some wrong things, moved out because we wouldn’t agree with it, and now lives with another family), and what he’s done has hit all of us very hard. My parents’ marriage, especially, has suffered; my mother has become very emotional because of what happened, and the smallest things set her off. It doesn’t help that my father has a bit of a short fuse, and there have been some very bad arguments between them. That said, things are good ninety percent of the time, but sometimes it just gets really bad.
Now that I’ve provided some context, here’s my problem, and hopefully someone can give me some advice: I’m 18 years old. I decided last year that I’d like to join the military. Because of what’s happened, my parents are very much against it. They - especially my father - say that if I were to join the military, I’d be abandoning them, just like my brother did. My parents insist that I go to college (and I have been going this semester), get a PhD in physics or another hard science, and effectively stay with them my entire life. While I don’t want to abandon my parents (I’m a little worried they might get divorced without me around), I never thought my life would be like what they had planned. I thought I’d grow up, move out, and do my own thing while they do theirs, just like with my dad and his parents… and I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I’ll join the military, and if my parents can’t solve their problems like they should be able to, then tough luck, but then I think of how hard it’d be for them, especially my mother.
I just feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[dollysro]

You are not responsible for your parents’ marriage; they are.
You must do what is best for you, not what your parents want you to do.
What they are using on you is emotional blackmail.
It would do them no service to have you to lean on as a crutch.
Your parents should seek help, be it their priest or a therapist, to put themselves back together.
Know that following your dream is not abandoning them, instead it is the path we take to independence, which is what most parents try to instill in their children.
Your worries are admired but they must stand on their own.
Perhaps you could seek counseling from your priest or therapist?
Best of luck, let us know how you are doing! We are pulling and praying for you~

 

[Convert3]

I agree totally with @dollysro that you need to live your life. You can’t stay with them until they’re gone. You need to start living. I was in the Air Force and highly recommend them. Of course the other branches of the military are great too, but the Air Force May give you a better opportunity to work on a degree while you serve.
Keep the Faith, stay in touch with your parents, and have a great life!

 

[Lou2U]

I’m another one completely agreeing with Dollysro.

This is your life. You need to live it. Your parents are wrong for trying to guilt and manipulate you into staying purely because it suits them. You aren’t responsible for your parents’ marriage - regardless of the military, one day you will move out and live your own life. They will have to live together with no other people around one day. And when you do move out, you have to have a life you want to live. Not the life your parents want for you.

 

[angel12]

While they certainly have a right to – and, as your parents, should! – express their preference, they can’t demand that you stay with them, and especially not because your brother moved out.
If joining the military is what you want to do, do it. Some people have had great careers. Others have just stayed in for one or two enlistments, but gained invaluable experience.

 

[TheLittleLady]

First thing, is this a cultural thing? I do not want to inject my white-American opinions if you are of a different ethnicity.

I would advise that you sit down with your priest.

 

[1ke]

While I don’t want to abandon my parents

Children grow up and leave the nest. That’s not abandonment. You have the right to choose your career, your vocation, and your living situation. Not your parents.

They are using manipulative tactics to get you to do what they want you to.

I’m a little worried they might get divorced without me around

That’s on them, not you. You cannot take on responsibility for their marriage. That belongs 100% on them. They can and should go to counseling if they are having difficulty.

You are the child, not the parent. And what you do does NOT make you responsible for their choices.

I thought I’d grow up, move out, and do my own thing while they do theirs

And that is exactly what you need to do.

I think I’ll join the military, and if my parents can’t solve their problems like they should be able to, then tough luck,

Yep.

but then I think of how hard it’d be for them, especially my mother.

That is NOT your responsibility. And you cannot let their guilt trip prevent you from living your life. Get some counseling if you can’t get past their manipulation.

 

[Mazon]

Your parents should seek help, be it their priest or a therapist, to put themselves back together.

I agree completely. The frustrating thing is, I once tried to broach the subject of seeking counseling, either from a therapist or a priest, while talking to my dad, but he already seemed convinced that even if they did go to someone, no one would be able to help them. As for my mother, she was seeing a therapist for a few months, but eventually stopped. My father tried to get in contact with another therapist that she could see, but that therapist never returned his call and neither of my parents have tried to make any further moves on that, at least as far as I’m aware.

First thing, is this a cultural thing? I do not want to inject my white-American opinions if you are of a different ethnicity.

Oh, no, this isn’t a cultural thing. We’re white Americans too, haha! Although, my mother is Hispanic, and she visited her parents almost every day until they died a few years ago, so that might be one factor in the equation. But like I said, my dad left his parents when he was eighteen, got sent halfway across the country by the Army, and then didn’t actually visit home at all for fifteen years because he met my mother and had me and my brother, so it definitely isn’t a cultural thing, at least not with my dad.

A lot of you have mentioned that my parents are manipulating me. To be quite honest, I was thinking that myself for a while, but I wasn’t sure about it… I just wish all of this was easier. What I would give to have my brother back right now. Then maybe it wouldn’t be quite so hard for my parents to see me go.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Very much agree that counseling is in order.

 

[Legend]

I agree, you have been given some very good advice. It does look like your parents have both been manipulating you! It’s not your fault if their marriage fails…you have to live your own life! I’d advise you to leave quickly…before you can be made to feel guilty again. You have to grow up!

One more thing…don’t expect it to be easy. But look at people you admire. A life well-lived is seldom simple. Just do what you think best for yourself. Seek advice from your priest of a counselor. And good luck…I wish you well!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

You’re an adult and you need to follow your own dream.
Your parents are not in dire straits - no one is dying and they don’t need you to bring income into the house to pay for food or the rent/ mortgage or even a younger sibling’s college.
You also are not responsible for their marriage, that’s between the two of them and is not your problem or even your business. If the business with your brother is affecting them, that’s also something that you are not responsible for and can’t do anything about.

You cannot let your parents dictate your path in life. If you should later want to attend college, being ex-military would provide opportunities for that. Nor are you likely to “stay with them your entire life” even if you did go to college as they wished. You’re highly likely to move away at some point during your career or just want your own home, perhaps with your own spouse and family.

Cut the cord now, go join the military. It’s a very reasonable and honorable thing to want to do. Your parents are adults and they can and will get over the fact that you left the nest.

 

[Mazon]

Thanks for all the replies and help, everyone. I’ve been thinking about, and I think what I’ll do is finish this year of college (that gives me more time to get physically fit), and then enlist next summer. I do still have two questions, if anyone wants to help:
First of all, how and when should I tell my parents about this? I figure the correct answer would be “right now”, but I gotta say, I am worried about how they’ll react. My mom’s probably going to go into a depression and my dad’s going to be quite mad. What should I do?
Second of all, my father has told me in the past that I have a responsibility to stay with my parents to help them through what my brother did. And both my parents seem convinced that if I were to leave, their marriage would effectively be over. Maybe they wouldn’t get divorced (my dad has said that, because of the Church’s teaching on marriage, he wouldn’t divorce her), but there would be a big rift between them, and they’d try to tell me to stay because of that. How should I respond to these things, specifically the responsibility part? Thanks again.

 

[Elf01]

Second of all, my father has told me in the past that I have a responsibility to stay with my parents to help them through what my brother did. And both my parents seem convinced that if I were to leave, their marriage would effectively be over. Maybe they wouldn’t get divorced (my dad has said that, because of the Church’s teaching on marriage, he wouldn’t divorce her), but there would be a big rift between them, and they’d try to tell me to stay because of that. How should I respond to these things, specifically the responsibility part?

If I stay at college, what if I don’t get a local job when I finish?

 

[dollysro]

First of all, how and when should I tell my parents about this? I figure the correct answer would be “right now”, but I gotta say, I am worried about how they’ll react.
It doesn’t have to be right now; it should be when you have made your decision and have applied or been accepted in to the service.
Second of all, my father has told me in the past that I have a responsibility to stay with my parents to help them through what my brother did.
I think you know by now that this is not true. Did he or your mom stay with their parents? Obviously not.
And both my parents seem convinced that if I were to leave, their marriage would effectively be over.
Maybe they wouldn’t get divorced (my dad has said that, because of the Church’s teaching on marriage, he wouldn’t divorce her), but there would be a big rift between them, and they’d try to tell me to stay because of that.
The rift was created and needs to be handled by them. Repeat it to yourself as often as possible, and then to your dad.
You’re doing great! You’ve got a good head on your shoulders! You are conflicted because you are a good son and want to be the best you can be.
By being your own person, you can do just that. Remember, there are many persons in a family but only two in a marriage.
Keep it up, we’re pulling and praying for you!!!

 

[TheLittleLady]

Ask your priest to be part of the conversation. Sit down and open your heart to him. This is part of what a pastor does, help with these things

 

[Legend]

I couldn’t agree with this, more. For one thing, your priest can explain what marriage is (and isn’t). It is never the responsibility of the children, for one thing.

But, just arrange a conference with your priest, as soon as you can. And, if your parents ask you not to tell the priest about certain things, call it off. It will be a waste of time! And just another sign that your parents are trying to control you.

I know it won’t be easy. It may all go well, if your parents try and put restrictions on what to tell your priest. You see your parents every day, and care about them, while we are just anonymous forum commenters.

If you don’t think you can freely speak to your priest, in your parents’ presence, maybe speak to him on your own, a few times. Don’t think about it as ‘talking behind your parents backs’. Just say what’s important to you.

It seems unusual that your father left his parents to join the military. Does he regret it? If not, why should you not do the same.

Sorry…I’ve been thinking out loud. But you should not remain in your home just because your parents wish it. But, you shouldn’t make a commitment to the military, without being sure you can honor your enlistment. Maybe speak with a recruiter, but make no commitment until you’re sure.

And definitely, with or without your parents, speak to your pastor!

 

[Norseman82]

I’m a Catholic, as are my parents. To give a quick background, last year, my brother effectively destroyed his relationship with all of us (to make a long story short, he was doing some wrong things, moved out because we wouldn’t agree with it, and now lives with another family), and what he’s done has hit all of us very hard. My parents’ marriage, especially, has suffered; my mother has become very emotional because of what happened, and the smallest things set her off. It doesn’t help that my father has a bit of a short fuse, and there have been some very bad arguments between them. That said, things are good ninety percent of the time, but sometimes it just gets really bad.
Now that I’ve provided some context, here’s my problem, and hopefully someone can give me some advice: I’m 18 years old. I decided last year that I’d like to join the military. Because of what’s happened, my parents are very much against it. They - especially my father - say that if I were to join the military, I’d be abandoning them, just like my brother did. My parents insist that I go to college (and I have been going this semester), get a PhD in physics or another hard science, and effectively stay with them my entire life. While I don’t want to abandon my parents (I’m a little worried they might get divorced without me around), I never thought my life would be like what they had planned. I thought I’d grow up, move out, and do my own thing while they do theirs, just like with my dad and his parents… and I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I’ll join the military, and if my parents can’t solve their problems like they should be able to, then tough luck, but then I think of how hard it’d be for them, especially my mother.
I just feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

The bolded part struck me. What if you want to get married? Will they stand in your way of that?

Are you male or female, and how old is your brother?

Is it possible that the “wrong thing” your brother did was simply not let your parents micromanage his life (as opposed to something that is objectively sinful, like getting a girl pregnant and having the child aborted)? You don’t need to answer this for us, just something for you to consider.

 

[Mazon]

It seems unusual that your father left his parents to join the military. Does he regret it? If not, why should you not do the same.

Don’t get me wrong; my dad didn’t join the Army because he wanted to. He wanted to go to college, but his parents wouldn’t pay for it, so he figured the best thing to do was do his four years and get the GI Bill. I should’ve mentioned that in my previous post, but I didn’t want to go over the length requirements. I don’t think he regrets his service, so that’s probably not a factor in his not wanting me to go. The main thing, I think, is that they don’t want to be alone.

The bolded part struck me. What if you want to get married? Will they stand in your way of that?

Are you male or female, and how old is your brother?

Is it possible that the “wrong thing” your brother did was simply not let your parents micromanage his life (as opposed to something that is objectively sinful, like getting a girl pregnant and having the child aborted)? You don’t need to answer this for us, just something for you to consider.

I should’ve said this in the OP, but it slipped my mind somehow when I was writing it: I’m female. As for my brother, he is three years older than I am, so he’s twenty-one. No, our parents didn’t do anything wrong to get him to leave. I would’ve explained what he had done in the OP, but I was worried about length requirements. For clarity’s sake, I’ll explain here: effectively, he decided he was a girl, changed his name and everything, and demanded we go along with it. We weren’t going to do that, so he left and got himself a boyfriend and a new family. It was and is very hard on all of us (especially my mother, which is why she’s gotten so sensitive, as I mentioned in the OP).
As for getting married, they’d actually be pretty ecstatic about that. Truth is, I don’t have much of an interest in getting married or even dating, and I don’t think marriage is my vocation for a number of reasons. That may or may not change in the future, but to get back to the topic, they’ve said that they’d be alright if I got married and moved out, because then, I’d at least have a family of my own. They’re probably also thinking somewhere in there that they’d be able to visit often and whatnot…
They just seem to have a whole life planned out for me that I never wanted or even really thought about in the first place… and then they wonder why I’m not all that excited for the future. I don’t know. Like I said, I just wish this was all easier.

 

[angel12]

Second of all, my father has told me in the past that I have a responsibility to stay with my parents to help them through what my brother did. And both my parents seem convinced that if I were to leave, their marriage would effectively be over. Maybe they wouldn’t get divorced (my dad has said that, because of the Church’s teaching on marriage, he wouldn’t divorce her), but there would be a big rift between them, and they’d try to tell me to stay because of that. How should I respond to these things, specifically the responsibility part? Thanks again.

Your parents need to take responsibility for their own marriage. Trying to put that on you is immature, irresponsible, and just plain ridiculous.
Of course, you don’t want to put it that way when talking with them. But you can certainly say that as a young adult, you have a responsibility to make your own life, and that’s what you’re going to do. You could also say that no one can save a marriage but the couple themselves.
Frankly, though, I’d talk to my priest about them trying to put the responsibility for their marriage on you. He really should try to have a talk with them. When it’s you and your parents, you shouldn’t have to be the only adult in the conversation.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Even moreso, both you and your parents (and I hope your sibling) very much need to meet with a priest or someone from the Diocese who can counsel in this circumstance. In my Diocese, a family dealing with this sort of complex issue would reach out to Pax Christi and their priest chaplain.

Call your Diocese and ask who they have in LGBTQ ministry.