Need some help; complex family situation

[Irishmom2]

You are 18. If it were me, I would tell my parents after I signed papers to enlist. Part of growing up is taking responsibility for yourself and doing what you need to do, regardless of how others disagree or may be disappointed.

You are not responsible for your parents, just as your father was not responsible for his parents. Honoring them is one thing, devoting your entire life by giving up your own life’s dreams is another.

May God bless you and keep you out of harms way while/if you serve.

 

[His_helpmeet]

There are three parties in a marriage: husband, wife, and God. “Child” is not one of the parties in a marriage. If your parents are having marital problems, that’s on them. It’s not your job to mediate between the two of them, nor, frankly, is it even appropriate for you to mediate between the two of them.

Look at it this way. They’ve clearly been together for over 20 years, because they raised you and your brother. They did that without either of you being in a position to help them. Unless someone has suddenly developed dementia (which I doubt, based on what you describe), they should be able to manage without your help.

On top of that, if they expect that you’re going to be around for the rest of their lives to live in their home and look after them, what are you supposed to do after they pass away? Not to mention, getting a Ph.D. takes time and money, and that’s time and money that you won’t be able to offer them as you’ll be very busy. How do they expect you to support them while you’re going to school?

I would definitely recommend counselling. Your pastor would be a good place to start. When you present your plan to them, I’d make it very clear that this IS what WILL be happening, and not that you’re trying to get their advice. If they start to pull the “you’re abandoning us” card, just state calmly that this isn’t what you’re doing at all. If they get very emotional, you can just say, “Mom, Dad, I can see that you’re not in a fit state for us to discuss this right now. I’m leaving the room and ending this discussion until you’ve calmed down.” (That’s not disrespectful. It’s a statement of fact. If they want to behave as if they’re spoiled children, you frankly may need to treat them just as you would a spoiled child. The risk is that if they learn that guilt-tripping you and having a fit works by playing on your sympathy, then they will guilt-trip you and have a fit EVERY TIME they want something from you.)

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Good parents prepare their children for adulthood and then let them go.

They don’t insist that their children hang around as adults to help the parents with their adult problems, such as the parents’ marriage, or to keep the parents from being “alone”.

It’s possible that your dad has been through so much stress with the situation with your brother and your mother that he isn’t thinking clearly in this regard.

You are 18, you have a reasonable plan for your life, go do it and tell your parents after you’ve enlisted, “I’m sorry, but this is how it’s going to be.”

 

[1ke]

First of all, how and when should I tell my parents about this?

When you sign the enlistment papers. Until then, you are not in the military. And a lot could change in a year.

My mom’s probably going to go into a depression and my dad’s going to be quite mad. What should I do?

Avoid what is known as “borrowing trouble”. Don’t engage on this topic until and unless you have concrete plans— such as your papers to report to basic training.

Second of all, my father has told me in the past that I have a responsibility to stay with my parents to help them through what my brother did.

There goes the manipulation again. You have a responsibility to honor and respect them, and that can mean being supportive of them— which can be done by phone. It does not mean putting your life on hold and doing what they tell you to do.

And both my parents seem convinced that if I were to leave, their marriage would effectively be over.

Shame on them!

More manipulation on their part. You are the child, they are the parent. You are not responsible for their marriage. You are not the source or cause of a marriage breakdown.

How should I respond to these things, specifically the responsibility part?

Mom, dad, you are responsible for your choices, not me. I won’t be blamed for your marriage problems and I won’t be guilted into a career choice or living arrangements. I love you and I will be supportive in whatever way I can, but I’m not putting my life on hold.

You don’t have to like it, but you do have to respect it if you want me to continue contact with you.

 

[Mazon]

Even moreso, both you and your parents (and I hope your sibling) very much need to meet with a priest

At this point, that’s pretty much impossible. My brother wants nothing to do with anyone who won’t confirm him in his fantasy. In fact, he’s already cut off all contact with us completely for five months before someone he’s close to convinced him to talk to us again. If we tried to push him to speak to a priest with us, he would probably stop speaking to us again.
By the way, I just want to clarify: I only told my brother’s story to provide further context and so people wouldn’t think he left because of anything my parents did. My brother is not currently an issue, at least with regards to this. In this case, it’s his absence that’s an issue, and one of the main reasons my parents don’t want me to join the military.

If it were me, I would tell my parents after I signed papers to enlist

Alright, that sounds sensible. I’m planning on enlisting and going to boot camp in summer, so when would be the best time to talk to a recruiter?

You don’t have to like it, but you do have to respect it if you want me to continue contact with you.

See, I agree with the first part of this, but the idea of cutting off contact with them because of this leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like I said above, my brother cut off contact with us for five months because we wouldn’t agree with him. Threatening to do the same would just give my parents all the more reason to say (and believe) I’m just doing what my brother did and abandoning them just like he did. I know it’s not true, but how do I combat this notion?

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Alright, that sounds sensible. I’m planning on enlisting and going to boot camp in summer, so when would be the best time to talk to a recruiter?

If you mean this next summer, I would make an appointment with a recruiter now to start gathering information and get the ball rolling, because if you do decide to enlist, you will have to undergo multiple forms of testing and some may involve travel.

 

[1ke]

See, I agree with the first part of this, but the idea of cutting off contact with them because of this leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like I said above, my brother cut off contact with us for five months because we wouldn’t agree with him. Threatening to do the same would just give my parents all the more reason to say (and believe) I’m just doing what my brother did and abandoning them just like he did. I know it’s not true, but how do I combat this notion?

You could just leave it at: You don’t have to like it, but you do have to respect it

And if you wanted to address the “or what”, then it might be You don’t have to like it, but you do have to respect it or we may need a time out.

You don’t have to cut off contact, but you may need to restrict it or put boundaries on it. With my own family, i went through a period where i did tell my dad’s side (dad & step mom) that there were my boundaries and that they were welcome to reach back out to me when they were ready to respect them.

That way, it’s in their court regarding the contact. You welcome contact, and here’s what it will take…

 

[joyfulandactive]

Children growing up becoming adults and leaving home is not “abandonment” it is called maturing into an independent adult. The fact that your parents are framing this as “abandonment” is frankly, dysfunctional.

Sometimes in dysfunctional families children can be given “roles” by the parents and the parents doing everything in their power to keep a grown child to remain in that role. The role they seem to have given you is responsibility for their emotional well-being. That is NOT your responsibility. Also preventing independence can be a function of co-dependance. In unhealthy co-dependent relationships independence is seen as basically a sin and betrayal.

I am familiar with these concepts as my husband comes from a similar family. His parents are divorced and his mom has never really accepted his independence even though we have been married 23 years and have three teenage children. He is 50 and she still tries to manipulate him and control him by putting her own needs first. He has also had problems letting go of our eldest daughter as she left for college and got to travel internationally (on her own dime as she worked this summer) with another family. But I have encouraged her and told my husband that he needs to work on his paranoia and fearfulness (we are very happily married). He got the message from his own family that independence = bad.

I think that’s definitely one thing in common with your scenario, your parents should be putting your needs first or at least as important as their wants and needs. Instead they don’t seem to care about what you want or need, they are just trying to impose their will. Treat them with respect but continue with your plans to leave. Their relationship and emotions are THEIR responsibility NOT yours.

You may find yourself in a emotional FOG which is where your parents are using Fear, Obligation and Guilt to manipulate you into giving them what they want. I would encourage you if you can afford it or have health insurance to find a therapist for yourself. The therapist can help you enforce healthy boundaries with your parents so you know where you start and they end. Read up on Co-Dependece and read Dr. Susan Forward books such as Toxic Parents. The title is a bit harsh but their behavior to you is not age appropriate, you are becoming an adult and they should be proud that you are so confident in your abilities and have a desire to be independent - that’s normal. May God Bless you as you become a wonderful, unique, independent adult.

 

[joyfulandactive]

Here is the book I mentioned. It would obviously be also good to talk to a priest but also be aware that many of your parents behaviors are not healthy, you’re not a bad person to acknowledge that. You sound like a mature person. Read and educate yourself, talk to others and get their (name removed by moderator)ut and also pray. If your parents are not putting your best interests first it’s OK for you to do that.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Recl…

All parents fall short from time to time. But Susan For…

www.goodreads.com

 

[tafan2]

@Mazon, as an adult, your owe your parents honor and respect (never forget that), you do not owe them obedience. If the are supporting you financially, that is another matter, but if you go to the military that would not be the case.

If you will not be enlisting until this summer, I would not say anything for a bit. Wait until the spring, or late winter. Things might improve between your parents between now and then and it might get easier.

I suspect, your mother being Hispanic and always being so close to her parents, it is more of a cultural thing than you think.

 

[Anicette]

I think the last advises given, however good, seems not to take into account the recent “trauma” the family experienced with their son. The OP explained it in another post.

My opinion is that the parents are just currently traumatised and act like that because they are afraid to loose their relationship with their daughter too and stay alone. They may not be in the better relationship between each other because they (seems most the mother) are still in shook and the grieving and acceptation process of the situation is still not done.

It still had to take in consideration before to say that the parents are abusing of their power. What they ask to their daughter is irrational. But suffring begets the worst attitude.

Just to conclude, I think that the OP should do her own choices,even without asking her parents, but not cutting them off. They may be angry at first, but I think that the situation would finally be more peacefull after some time, when they would realize that their chil does not abandon them.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Exactly.

This family is reeling, they have suffered a great deal. The Church is absolutely the place to help healing begin in this family.

Perhaps there is a Pax Christi society working in your Diocese where you can find compassionate care.

 

[AdamP88]

If your parents need you to keep their marriage together then something is very wrong. You can’t fix their marriage. That is up to them.
It’s wrong of them to put this pressure on you and prevent you from choosing your path in life. It’s fine to give advice but you must be free to choose your career and vocation.

 

[Irishmom2]

I believe you can talk to a recruiter now. You may be able to get a delayed entry. And if you let a recruiter know your interest now, they will be able to get you on the road to be physically prepared for entering. Have you considered all branches of service? Some are better suited to your future goals than others. A good recruiter will be able to help you decide, and may even recommend a branch to you.

If you parents served, they would actually be helpful if you would speak to them. But if you would rather not, wait until you have spoken to a recruiter and you have more of an idea of what is involved.

 

[Mazon]

Sometimes in dysfunctional families children can be given “roles” by the parents and the parents doing everything in their power to keep a grown child to remain in that role. The role they seem to have given you is responsibility for their emotional well-being

I agree with this for the most part, though I just want to point out it wasn’t always like this. The reason I brought up the issues with my brother was that a lot of this stuff started when he made the choices he did. A lot of the negative emotions and such began because of the tremendous stress he had been (and, to a certain degree, is) putting on us. The fact that it wasn’t always like this at least gives me a little bit of hope that, maybe, some day, things can go back to the way they were.

Here is the book I mentioned.

Thanks for the recommendation. I’ll be sure to check it out when I get a chance.

My opinion is that the parents are just currently traumatised and act like that because they are afraid to loose their relationship with their daughter too and stay alone. They may not be in the better relationship between each other because they (seems most the mother) are still in shook and the grieving and acceptation process of the situation is still not done.

You just said what I’ve been thinking far more concisely than I ever could’ve. I absolutely believe my parents (particularly my mother) are still in shock over what happened with my brother. Frankly, I think I’m still a little in shock. But to bring this back to the topic, yes, I think my parents are still going through the grieving process and I’d really like to see them (or at least my mother) get some therapy, but it seems like that’s going nowhere fast. Do any of you think it would be a good idea to broach the subject of therapy?
Thanks for all the replies, everyone. It’s really been helping me out to think things through properly. I’ve been thinking, when I do tell my parents my plans, do any of you think it’d be a good idea to show them this thread? The whole reason I created it was to see if I could get some more perspectives on the issue, and maybe if they read the thread, it might help them work things through in their own heads, like I’ve done.
Again, thanks for all the help.

 

[Singing]

Not so sure your parents are intentionally
manipulating you, but are having a hard time with letting you go as an emotionally healthy adult, ready to move on. Which is their responsibility to work out and where counseling can help. My Mom is from a traditional Italian immigrant family, and had a very hard time with letting me go. It’s all she knew, so I have compassion.

 

[Anicette]

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. It’s really been helping me out to think things through properly. I’ve been thinking, when I do tell my parents my plans, do any of you think it’d be a good idea to show them this thread?

Based on some the very hard answers you received and that described your parents in a very negative way such as abusive, no, I don’t think it would be a great idea to show them the threat! I think it can be very heartbreaking for a parent to heard that from anonymous strangers. I would be if it was my children.

We also advise you to go to your plan without noticed them before. It can be necessary but It can make them angry to read that.

 

[Totustuus1213]

So sorry to hear about your situation. I highly suggest getting your hands on a copy of the book Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward. I say this because what your parents are doing is called manipulation and it is wrong. I suspect they have some sort of agenda that comes out as a narrative against your brother. Honestly, it sounds like your brother made the healthiest decision that he could make for himself. Sometimes getting away from toxic family members is a very smart thing to do. I also suspect there may be codependency issues in your relationship with your parents. From your post, it sounds like you are taking responsibility for things that aren’t yours to carry. If your parent’s marriage falls apart it is NOT your fault no matter what you did. And, if you have a priest or a counselor you can talk to about this please do. Because they will validate you and help you find God’s calling in your life. Love and pray for your family, but don’t let them control you. God bless.

 

[Mazon]

I suspect they have some sort of agenda that comes out as a narrative against your brother. Honestly, it sounds like your brother made the healthiest decision that he could make for himself.

I agree with the majority of your post, but you lost me here. I explained in a post a little down this thread the issue with my brother and why his moving out was not at all due to my parents but due to some sinful decisions that we refused to go along with. Just wanted to clarify that, because I think it’s worth noting that my parents never dreamed of manipulating me until this came along. As the one of the posts above yours implied, it is not my belief that my parents are intentionally manipulating me, but are so blinded by their trauma with what happened to my brother that maybe they don’t realize it.
Thanks for all the replies and help, everyone. You all have helped me to think quite clearly about this matter and I believe I know what I should do. That said, if anyone has any other advice they would like to share, please do so. I’ll be checking back here pretty regularly. Again, thank you all!

 

[Minks]

You sound like a young person who gathers information and considers all the angles that you can think of, plus those that others can think of, before acting. I’m especially impressed that you hold your parents in high esteem and are concerned about their well-being, in spite of acknowledging that you need to gain distance from them in order to stretch your wings and learn to fly on your own.

Please keep this outlook as you go through life. You can only benefit by it. I wish you happiness and all kinds of good things, but, especially, that you never lose your faith, nor your zeal for truth, fairness, and compassion.

When you do spread your wings and leave home, be true to yourself, to the traits we see exhibited in your thinking and words here. Please keep in touch with your parents: a post card, a text, a phone call, and pictures. Facetime, or something similar, would be wonderful! They love you and you love them. Learn to love that love that you share with each other.

Best wishes to you, and may God bless you, your parents, and your brother. Fly high!