Need some input?

  • Thread starter Thread starter LT1
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Sadly, even though they are “adults” your wife has destroyed something very important for your children… the idea that they could be married for 30 years and think they have a lifetime partner and the rug not being pulled out from under them when they least expect it. Even now she has undermined them emotionally in ways she doesn’t begin to understand. As they go on with their marriages, she has wiped away certainty and security from their lives.

Stay completely out of any discussion about her with the kids. Repeat the same sentences: “I don’t want to talk about it. Just pray for me. This is hard.”

They will come to their own conclusions about this. They will visit where they feel most comfortable. They will have their own opinions. Don’t let her actions pollute your time with your kids and grandkids. Find joy with them and with your God.

Time wounds all heels.

They will have anger toward her and her choices when the new “stepfather” is shoved in their faces. When they are forced to have separate holidays with grandma and grandpa. If they are forced to attend or invited to a “wedding.”

Keep your own counsel and just let events unfold. “Be still and know that I am God.” I keep saying that to myself.

Good luck!
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Sadly, even though they are “adults” your wife has destroyed something very important for your children… the idea that they could be married for 30 years and think they have a lifetime partner and the rug not being pulled out from under them when they least expect it. Even now she has undermined them emotionally in ways she doesn’t begin to understand. As they go on with their marriages, she has wiped away certainty and security from their lives.

Stay completely out of any discussion about her with the kids. Repeat the same sentences: “I don’t want to talk about it. Just pray for me. This is hard.”

They will come to their own conclusions about this. They will visit where they feel most comfortable. They will have their own opinions. Don’t let her actions pollute your time with your kids and grandkids. Find joy with them and with your God.

Time wounds all heels.

They will have anger toward her and her choices when the new “stepfather” is shoved in their faces. When they are forced to have separate holidays with grandma and grandpa. If they are forced to attend or invited to a “wedding.”

Keep your own counsel and just let events unfold. “Be still and know that I am God.” I keep saying that to myself.

Good luck!
Click to expand...
True and wise words . . .
 
Hello:
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to express their thoughts and encouragement… I think that this has become the most difficult time in my life, it is an up and down emotional ride.
I just found out my wife (?) is on a mission trip now with the same group that her and the Dr, were with in the past. He and his wife have divorced, She initiated the divorce. It hurts…

I think my wife had to at least have filed for this divorce before the trip since I do think some in this group knew of the situation.as they are also a social group and many are related. His wife was very upset but seemed that she wanted out of the marriage because of the infidelity,which he admitted to her.

I continue to pray and vow to proceed without vengance as was sugested in a post. I also have to say I have thought over and over and there were many things that I could have done and should have done that might have avoided this and I fully accept part of the reponsibility for failure of my marriage. It was not something that would have happened had the marriage been solid? I did not see it and wish that I had.
 
LT1 said:
I continue to pray and vow to proceed without vengance as was sugested in a post. I also have to say I have thought over and over and there were many things that I could have done and should have done that might have avoided this and I fully accept part of the reponsibility for failure of my marriage. It was not something that would have happened had the marriage been solid? I did not see it and wish that I had.
Click to expand...
Sir, you are a very nice person. Your humility and spirit of sacrifice only increases my great respect for those who serve us in uniform.

Your wife’s actions probably have more to do with the Great Destroyer’s clever ways of tempting us all and wreaking havoc, than with your human imperfections and failures during this marriage. She has fallen into Satan’s trap. She needs your prayers, please continue to pray for her!
 
Very strange missionaries, that they don’t care about the scandal in their midst… This world is so fallen and messed up…
 
No husband is perfect. Are you aware that there are horrible husbands out there who drink, abuse wives, spend money on stupid things, are lazy… and their wives don’t cheat.

I’m with the previous poster. This is about more than what you did to make her look for luv somewhere else.

Don’t take all the blame on yourself. I’m sure she wasn’t the perfect wife all the time while you were walking the beat.

Did you use that as an excuse to get a girlfriend down at the station?
 
Hello:
To the last post. No I never even thought about getting a girlfriend or anything even like cheating on the person that had my children and was the peron I cherished as my best friend…I know evryone says move on with your life,but…

I talked to a marrriage councelor quess what he is divorced. I can’t seem to find anything that makes sense anymore… I pray and go to mass every day. I still love the woman I spent my entire life with and no one seems to get it. most of all her…

Do I pray that God helps me stop feeliing love for her???

I never in my entire life sat in a bar a drank untill I felt Num…

Now every night I don’t want to walk into my empty house…and not be num…

I will pray tonight but I am so darn confused aftrer 35 years of faithful marriage I am the Defendant in this Divorce case???
is it me???

The lawyer says thats just the way the law is written???Something just doesn’t seem right.
 
LT1 said:
Do I pray that God helps me stop feeliing love for her???
Click to expand...
Sir, this is my take on it:
It doesn’t matter how you feel, you and your children can pray for her, because she needs it. My father left us 37 years ago, I was 6 y.o. Later on he married another woman. He also kept dragging my mother to court for 5 years. Recently, my father’s 2nd wife passed away. He is old and alone. My sister took care of the funeral. We also visit my father regularly (well, my sister, because I’m far away). We pray for him and for his deceased 2nd wife. Somehow with time the painful feelings and anger faded away and we see our father for the old and lonely man who he is, and who needs us. My mother fully supports us and tells it’s our duty to care about our father. In fact she was pushing me to respect my father when I didn’t feel like respecting him.

I don’t know how you feel. I don’t even know how my mother feels and how she felt then. But I pray for you, Sir.
 
LT1,

you’ve admitted your faults as a husband. if you haven’t already, confess them. you pray every day and go to Mass. you still love your wife. you will avoid vengeance.

that’s all you can know, isn’t it? trying to make sense of terrible sin, destructive adultery, devastating abandonment is impossible. you can’t understand it because it’s disordered. it’s messed up. it’s nuts.

so stay in the prayer. stay close to God. don’t try to unlove her.

if you drink yourself into oblivion on a regular basis, the alcohol will weaken your will to do good. the booze will confound your prayer life. drunkenness will lead you into a vengeful despair.

avoid that at all cost.

maybe it’s time to go stay with one of your kids for a while. let somebody love you.
 
As hard as it is, and as miserable as it’ll make you, go meet with your attorney. Protect yourself. And move on. I wouldn’t want to be with someone after they did what your wife did. She made her choice clear. Now show her and everyone else that you have made a choice too…for yourself.

Kathy
 
Sir, I know the feeling. Love isn’t an emotion you can turn off. Sometimes it takes a lot of work by the other party to turn it off. I hope that doesnt’ happen to you.

I must warn you about something. Some people, when they have hurt others grievously and see the love and the kindness still there become very angry at the person they have hurt. Your continued love and goodness will be a reproach to your wife. She may start becoming very harsh to you. I hope that doesn’t happen to you. It seems the guiltier a person is, the meaner they are to the person they’ve injured. Go figure. :confused:

All I can say is unite yourself with Christ on the cross. The ultimate Victim of Unrequited Love, whose perfect love was mocked, spat upon and rejected by those whom He loved so much.

I spent a lot of time staring at the crucifix at church during the drawn out divorce with my ex. God understands like no one else.

Pray for your wife that her example not be visited upon your children and ruin their lives. Don’t spend lots of time alone. I know it’s the first reaction to this. But it’s not good. Meet with friends. Have the kids and grandkids over for dinner. Join a club. Take up golf or something. Join a prayer group. Volunteer at church or a hospital. Stay busy.

Just because one person has her values out of whack does not mean you are not loveable and loved by the people in your life. What is she getting? A cheat? What is he getting? A cheat? Eventually they won’t trust each other. Nothing built on sin can last forever.

This isn’t right. Sin never is. It’s so ugly, it took God dying to pay the price for it. Don’t pray to stop loving her. Pray for strength to get through this. Don’t let this change the kind of person YOU are. Then Satan really wins.

Don’t let the divorce status of the marriage counselor put you off. Not everyone who is divorced is divorced because they wanted it. The law is in favor of the person who wants to end the marriage. Sometimes someone who has been there and suffered the pain can be of greater help than someone whose life was perfect.

Hang in there. All the cliches do apply. Time helps. Prayer helps. Stay close to God. You have that. Your ex doesn’t.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Don’t spend lots of time alone. I know it’s the first reaction to this. But it’s not good. Meet with friends. Have the kids and grandkids over for dinner. Join a club. Take up golf or something. Join a prayer group. Volunteer at church or a hospital. Stay busy.
Click to expand...
A friend of mine went to a retreat last month, and he told me this:

"Have you ever been so busy but still felt empty inside? The priest at the retreat said that it is because we are neglecting our “interior life” "

Strengthen your interior life through Eucharistic adoration, daily Mass, the rosary, and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. Go on a retreat or pilgrimage. At the times when you feel alone, Jesus is with you the most because it is an opportunity to turn to Him, depend on Him, and grow in trust and love for Him. You will find Jesus in the sacraments, the Mass, in His word, and in His Church (the assembly of His people).

St. Thomas Aquinas said God allows suffering to bring about a greater good. LT1, God is with you.
 
LT1 said:
Hello:
To the last post. No I never even thought about getting a girlfriend or anything even like cheating on the person that had my children and was the peron I cherished as my best friend…I know evryone says move on with your life,but…
Click to expand...
Sir, I agree with that intuition. This is because after divorce, the couple is still married. Divorce is not something that puts an end to one marriage and forbids another so long as both spouses live. The marriage is still there, even if one spouse has left.
I talked to a marrriage councelor quess what he is divorced. I can’t seem to find anything that makes sense anymore… I pray and go to mass every day. I still love the woman I spent my entire life with and no one seems to get it. most of all her…
Click to expand...
I won’t even try to appear wise here, but I get it. It’s a good thing you love her and you should.
Do I pray that God helps me stop feeliing love for her???
Click to expand...
Not at all. Until death, in health or sickness, for the good and the bad. You are totally correct in upholding your vows even if she doesn’t. The vows still bind.
I will pray tonight but I am so darn confused aftrer 35 years of faithful marriage I am the Defendant in this Divorce case???
is it me???

The lawyer says thats just the way the law is written???Something just doesn’t seem right.
Click to expand...
You are not a defendant like in a criminal or tort case, sir. Everyone who is sued is a defendant and that’s not the same as being accused in a criminal trial. It basically means the one who answers to the lawsuit. Sportsmen also “defend” a title against a contender. In chess, the black player defends and the white one attacks, so the black game is “defence”.

For this reason the Brits call it “respondent” when it’s not criminal. In Polish, the names of parties are “suing” and “sued”. Other jurisdictions probably have similar names that don’t imply being accused of anything wrong. This I say as a lawyer and your lawyer probably meant to say the same.
 
All I can offer is my prayres for you, as I never have understood why married couples break apart. In my mind, my decision to marry is irreversable.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top