Need some perspective... Husband cheating?

[mamabear3]

My husband has always been very attentive and affectionate ( sometimes too affectionate!)… Now for the past couple months he’s been hot and cold. He either pays no attention to me, or is extremely affectionate and sexual with me. I wrote him a letter a few weeks ago expressing how much I loved him ( it was a very intimate letter) and he said absolutely nothing to me about it, which is very unlike him. Sometimes he looks at me and then looks right down like he’s guilty or feels bad ( could just be me being paranoid). We went out on our anniversary last week and he seemed depressed/ anxious and said he didn’t feel good and he needed some wine. My husband has always had problems with anxiety but usually when we actually get a night out he’s happy and excited, he definitely seemed distant and conflicted to me that night. He never compliments me anymore and he always used too. He’s also lost a lot of weight recently and I can see he feels better about himself, I’m happy he’s losing weight and looking good but it definitely Is making me feel insecure with all the emotional distance he’s seems to be putting up. Overall I feel like he’s just not putting 100% into our marriage like he used to. I also found two blonde hairs ( I’m brunette) on an unmentionable part of his body ( sorry TMI ) ( cringe)… But how can I know If they’re real hairs or some kind of synthetic hair from clothing or something? He doesn’t go out anywhere after work or come home late so the only conclusion I can come up with is that there is maybe someone at work. Everytime I text him at work he always says he’s busy and well talk later, he only used to do that sometimes… Now he says it everyday. I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or crazy but the feeling keeps nagging me that there’s someone else and I just can’t shake it but I don’t have any evidence. I feel so CRAZY!!!

 

[Wesley7]

ahh . . the wife more than likely wants the intimacy of the husband but wife is probably forgetting that the husband is still just a man. So, if wife is suspicious of faithful husband cheating then wife wants more and more and too much exclusivity of her husband.

god bless :tiphat:

 

[LemonAndLime]

Just come out with it and tell him that you feel he hasn’t been himself lately and you’d like to know why. Let him know that no matter what it is you can deal with it. Give a few examples of how he hasn’t been himself but keep it to only 2 or 3.

If he says “everything is fine, I don’t know what you’re talking about” then say you disagree. If he continues to be evasive then ask him directly whether he has been seeing someone else, as that is obviously on your mind and your greatest fear. If he says no to that you need to think about whether or not you will believe him, or if that will make you feel better. It may very well be your husband is getting very stressed at work and he doesn’t want to make you worry so is keeping it to himself.

But you need to also prepare yourself to hear the worst. And ask yourself whether you really do want him to answer your question. I would make sure perhaps a friend or relative you can trust is aware of the situation just incase you hear something you don’t want to so you can go and stay with them/talk to them if you need to.

 

[LemonAndLime]

ahh . . the wife more than likely wants the intimacy of the husband but wife is probably forgetting that the husband is still just a man. So, if wife is suspicious of faithful husband cheating then wife wants more and more and too much exclusivity of her husband.

god bless :tiphat:

I don’t think you’re being helpful. It is a bit unfair to assume this is all because the wife wants more intimacy than the husband can provide, especially as you are ignoring what the OP has stated in her post.

 

[blue]

Alot seems to be going on in your life and mind. Talk to your husband and be honest, open and most of all get all of your fears, thoughts and concerns out (on the table so to speak). Communication is the key, not just yours but his as well. Life is to short to guess about important matters, get them out and deal, heal or change for desired results. God bless and good luck!!

 

[mamabear3]

I’ve already talked to him about it a few times. He denies he’s seeing anyone and says he’s been stressed out at work. But it doesn’t seem to add up. His responsibilities haven’t changed at work and even before when he was stressed out he never treated me any differently and actually he used tp use sex as a stress reliever too. I’m pregnant with our fourth and he hardly pays any attention to the pregnancy. With our other pregnancies
He always rubbed my belly and told me I looked beautiful, he really hasn’t done that this time. Anyway I can’t keep asking him if he’s cheating because if he’s not that’s not good for a relationship either. I’m just praying and waiting for the truth, whatever it is. But in the meantime I’m going crazy!! Hormones are definitely raging and not helping, lol.

 

[DexUK]

May I ask if there are potential financial problems?

What with the unstable world we live in these days, the prospect of an additional mouth to feed and maybe a tendency towards anxiety underneath it all, I could understand why any man in such a situation might be on edge or exhibiting symptoms of depression.

Without much in the way of proof beyond a generalised display of anxiety, I would suggest parking your worries about infidelity for the time being and demonstrating a gentle love for your husband who is clearly on edge about something.

I understand that you’re pregnant and that makes all sorts of things assume heightened importance to you, but demonstrate just how much value he can place in you in a way that he will perceive as deeply loving and touching. If he is worried about things then for him to place himself in your arms and take advantage of your strength may be more than he feels he can ask for while you are pregnant, but if you demonstrate that strength and calm and love, he’ll see it and relax a little. I certainly would appreciate it if I were him.

I wish for nothing but the best for your family.

God bless you all.

 

[carguy]

I pray that it is nothing, but just keep asking him see if he holds try to the story, also make sure to change up how you ask the questions to him to make sure that he is holding to the story. If he holds true than he is most likely just going through something. As for the hairs you found who knows how they got there I find hairs on my clothes all the time that are blond or red, of which I don’t really know that many people of those hair colors. So again I hope it is nothing. God Bless and good luck.

 

[Leegal]

My husband has always been very attentive and affectionate ( sometimes too affectionate!)… Now for the past couple months he’s been hot and cold. He either pays no attention to me, or is extremely affectionate and sexual with me. I wrote him a letter a few weeks ago expressing how much I loved him ( it was a very intimate letter) and he said absolutely nothing to me about it, which is very unlike him. Sometimes he looks at me and then looks right down like he’s guilty or feels bad ( could just be me being paranoid). We went out on our anniversary last week and he seemed depressed/ anxious and said he didn’t feel good and he needed some wine. My husband has always had problems with anxiety but usually when we actually get a night out he’s happy and excited, he definitely seemed distant and conflicted to me that night. He never compliments me anymore and he always used too. He’s also lost a lot of weight recently and I can see he feels better about himself, I’m happy he’s losing weight and looking good but it definitely Is making me feel insecure with all the emotional distance he’s seems to be putting up. Overall I feel like he’s just not putting 100% into our marriage like he used to. I also found two blonde hairs ( I’m brunette) on an unmentionable part of his body ( sorry TMI ) ( cringe)… But how can I know If they’re real hairs or some kind of synthetic hair from clothing or something? He doesn’t go out anywhere after work or come home late so the only conclusion I can come up with is that there is maybe someone at work. Everytime I text him at work he always says he’s busy and well talk later, he only used to do that sometimes… Now he says it everyday. I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or crazy but the feeling keeps nagging me that there’s someone else and I just can’t shake it but I don’t have any evidence. I feel so CRAZY!!!

Have a talk with him, not about cheating, but to get at the fact that he seems distracted and distant and is something bothering him, in a loving and kind way. Something may be going on at work. A new boss? Fear that there will be downsizes? Rumors the place may be sold and he does not want to tell you? Other financial troubles at work? Some other changes making him feel insecure at his job? Resist the temptation to text him at work. If he’s home every night at the same time, not disappearing on weekends, I don’t see how he can conduct an affair while at work which leaves only that unlikely possibility – that he’s having an affair right at his desk?

Give him a chance to open up. Something very pressing may be on his mind (and not necessarily a woman) and he does not want to tell you about it and it’s taking up all his thoughts. He may feel it would worry or upset you, but rather it would relieve you both if you knew and maybe you could help.

Assume the best. I could think of 1,000 other reasons for why he’s distracted and they don’t have anything to do with an affair.

 

[LemonAndLime]

I’ve already talked to him about it a few times. He denies he’s seeing anyone and says he’s been stressed out at work. But it doesn’t seem to add up. His responsibilities haven’t changed at work and even before when he was stressed out he never treated me any differently and actually he used tp use sex as a stress reliever too. I’m pregnant with our fourth and he hardly pays any attention to the pregnancy. With our other pregnancies
He always rubbed my belly and told me I looked beautiful, he really hasn’t done that this time. Anyway I can’t keep asking him if he’s cheating because if he’s not that’s not good for a relationship either. I’m just praying and waiting for the truth, whatever it is. But in the meantime I’m going crazy!! Hormones are definitely raging and not helping, lol.

Perhaps he is worried about his job/work/financial future and the knowledge that soon there will be another mouth to feed could be adding to his anxiety. You need to either believe what he says and encourage him to talk about work or call him a liar and see where that goes. If you’re not able to believe what he’s saying you’re not really going to progress.

 

[Leegal]

I’ve already talked to him about it a few times. He denies he’s seeing anyone and says he’s been stressed out at work. But it doesn’t seem to add up. His responsibilities haven’t changed at work and even before when he was stressed out he never treated me any differently and actually he used tp use sex as a stress reliever too. I’m pregnant with our fourth and he hardly pays any attention to the pregnancy. With our other pregnancies
He always rubbed my belly and told me I looked beautiful, he really hasn’t done that this time. Anyway I can’t keep asking him if he’s cheating because if he’s not that’s not good for a relationship either. I’m just praying and waiting for the truth, whatever it is. But in the meantime I’m going crazy!! Hormones are definitely raging and not helping, lol.

I think it’s financial. Keep praying and let go and let God.

 

[ChiRho]

I’ve already talked to him about it a few times. He denies he’s seeing anyone and says he’s been stressed out at work. But it doesn’t seem to add up. His responsibilities haven’t changed at work and even before when he was stressed out he never treated me any differently and actually he used tp use sex as a stress reliever too. I’m pregnant with our fourth and he hardly pays any attention to the pregnancy. With our other pregnancies
He always rubbed my belly and told me I looked beautiful, he really hasn’t done that this time. Anyway I can’t keep asking him if he’s cheating because if he’s not that’s not good for a relationship either. I’m just praying and waiting for the truth, whatever it is. But in the meantime I’m going crazy!! Hormones are definitely raging and not helping, lol.

Maybe it’s hard for him to be affectionate/caring after his fidelity to you has been questioned

 

[mamabear3]

There aren’t any financial problems but he does seem to worry and over exaggerate about “money problems” ( there aren’t any really)…

 

[mamabear3]

His interest in me declined way before I questioned his fidelity… Though I imagine that can put additional emotional stress on a relationship. That’s why I won’t be asking again. I just want my husband back!!

 

[Leegal]

There aren’t any financial problems but he does seem to worry and over exaggerate about “money problems” ( there aren’t any really)…

But he may not be telling you everything about work either. And a new baby on the way he does not want to burden you. Rumors can be flying about layoffs and the company being merged or sold.

Maybe he made an investment, for the good of the family, and it failed. He’s afraid to tell you because you will think badly of his decision or that he did not discuss it with you. I don’t know how this works in your family; only you know.

I can think of so many things. Remember, you are not at work and only have to go by what he says “there’s nothing going on at work”, when there is something going on at work and he has not told you.

I think there’s more reason to believe that it is something else, other than another woman. Afterall, he has not changed his schedule.

 

[Leegal]

His interest in me declined way before I questioned his fidelity… Though I imagine that can put additional emotional stress on a relationship. That’s why I won’t be asking again. I just want my husband back!!

Think about this. When do you think his interest declined in you? Then think of what else might have been going on or happened right about that same time.

 

[DexUK]

He could just be suffering from depression. You say he has a tendency towards anxiety. Perhaps something has gotten into his mind and made it worse. Depression can do horrible things to a person. Sometimes it can be medical, other times it can be situational. Sometimes if can be a little of both adding up to something obvious. Often the trigger may be insignificant in the minds of others and the depressed person may well ‘know’ it and say so without really believing it.

Show him love and kindness. Be ‘attractive’ to him (I don’t specifically mean physically) and hopefully he’ll find his way back. Stress about it and constantly question him, and it might cause a reaction against you, which would not be helpful.

I know it’s not easy, but hopefully things will come right. If nothing else, when the new baby arrives, most likely he’ll look into the eyes of the new arrival and be filled with love again.

 

[Leegal]

What I would do, but this is not for everyone:
Start checking cell phone logs, texts, credit cards…

Instead of this, the only research I would advise is that she check the company website for “news” and “about us” if they have one. There may be things going on that could be worrisome for him – when so and so got promoted or this one was brought in as the new director of operations. If there are annoucements, it should be there. No harm in seeing what the company is up to if they have a website. Healthy snooping.

 

[horselvr]

I think you know your husband pretty well by now.
You would or should have a pretty good handle on any changed behavior he is displaying. He has lost weight and he looks pretty good.
You have found 2 blonde hairs on his unmentionable body parts.
(I think you would know the difference between fibers and human hair.)
He shows no interest in this pregnancy.
Does he show any interest in the other three kids you and he have together?
He has trouble making eye contact with you.
He did not mention the love letter you wrote to him.
He has been distant or overly affectionate.

He might be cheating or thinking about it in the near future.

OR------there could be problems at work.

If it were me, I would not mention it again to him but I would be observant for any further changes. After working in a corp office I don’t put too much past some people. The girls and the guys would think of pretty creative ways to have to leave the office for an hour or two and no one was the wiser until they got caught.

He could be on the verge of cheating OR he really could be worried about work. Just pay attention to what’s going on with him and try not to accuse him if you don’t have any tangible proof.

Try to be as loving as possible under the circumstances of not knowing for sure but don’t keep asking him because if he is cheating more than likely he is not going to tell you.

Hope for the best.

 

[mamabear3]

My husband does show interest in the other kids and is very good to them. And I know my husbands job is very secure, and he just got a raise not too long ago. If he’s worried about work it would be his workload because I know his department is understaffed. For the time being Im going to keep my mouth shut and my eyes wide open. Thank you for all the insight and helpful posts. I needed to air out all my worries.