Needing to vent exhusband contacted me

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whatevergirl said:
*Do you have a working phone? He can call her on that.

iluvmybabies…above all, DO NOT SHOW your emotions to your ex. Appear together…appear that you are not rattled by him. He wants to rattle you, for whatever his weird reasons are, he does. Be firm. Be strong. :)*
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No I no longer have a phone i couldn’t afford it any more, he never called her only me to insult me and to try and tell me off because I am taking all his money for child support and for me to go back to court and reduce it for him that’s all he ever called and contacted me for all the time, I have countless and hundreds of emails of him doing this and telling me off…

I am serious my sons wanted to talk to him he wouldn’t last no more than 15 in total with all 3 children, I mean all 3 of them…he was like “hey how are you ok let me talk to your mother!” and that was it…My son’s would be like afte a while the middle child wouldn’t want to talk to him and I would force him…I would call him from the home phone telling him the kids needed to talk to him…He would be like “I’ll call later I’m busy!” It was devastating for a long time…The kids went through he11 because of his excuses…BUT he was like this during our marriage…IF I wasn’t forcing him to watch over his kids he wouldn’t …

I am trying to keep it together…I really am, thanks!
 
Do not respond to his emails at work ever again - he knows not to send them to your work so he shouldn’t expect you to receive them anymore there. put that account on spam/block.
If your dc already have a cell that you/fiance have provided, then that’s enough. And at that age, I’d be pretty strict about it staying off when home - he can call the house then. I’m not sure I understand. He says how strict he’ll be with it, how few minute there will be (500 shared in a family is a very small amount of talk time!) then he says he wants them to have it so they can stay in touch?:confused: And the data/GPS/internet access on the phone would be a HUGE no-go forme. Way, way too much out there for an 11 yr old to surf around on. And it sounds like this might not be the kind of guy you want having a GPS on your location allthe time. Besides, he needs to pay his child support before he pays for a cell phone.
So I’m in the no bc it just doesn’t make sense to me catagory.
**And I second of third that this should not have ever been brought up to the kids. (Come on, seriously what other answer did you think you’d get?🤷) This needs to be decided between the two of you. **
 
1ke said:
You already told him not to email you at work. You don’t need to tell him again. You simply need to keep the email you sent directing him not to email you at work-- then print and store all the emails he sent you after that and put them in a file for future court appearances and/or police reports. You don’t have to read them, you don’t have to respond to them. Just put them in your file and then delete them and go about your day.

DON’T READ THEM.

Ignore him.

If you have given him your mailing address and home phone number, that is all you must do. He does not need your email address, cell phone number, etc. Whatever the custody papers say and not one thing more.

I edited my post above. If he sends a phone, simply put it in a drawer. If it’s for emergencies, then leave it in the drawer or locked in a closet until there is an actual emergency. You can decide what an emergency is-- a hurricane, an earthquake, aliens invading. Anything short of that is not an emergency.
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Thanks I appreciate it…Yeah it’s terrible to see his emails here at work and I am just like UHM???

Thanks I will do that, I appreciate it! This man breaks me down big time just like my fiance’s mother does…It’s the worst thing…I learned to handle my mother but I still haven’t learned to deal with these other 2 entities… 😦
 
What he has or has not done is not an excuse to cut off all means of communication - until the court says you may.

If he is permitted to call the existing cell phone, and the children are permitted to call him - maybe once a week there is a daddy call? then it seems logical to disallow the cell phone.

That is all I am saying, I never said give a child free reign with any phone.
 
kage_ar said:
There is no house phone, these kids need to talk to dad, and he needs to talk to them.

What alternative are you offering the man? You choose to make babies with this man, the mature thing to do is to be civil for the sake of those kids.
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We did have one, we had 2 phones, I went and did everything he demanded of me, getting myself into debt for cell phone for her and house phone and everything, remember he doesn’t pay full child support and always calls me to beg for a reduction thus going soon to court, for him to get his other wish! Like always… But I got my work hours cut, moved to a smaller house in a better neighborhood rent went up, he stopped paying child support for several months, etc, it’s been really hectic affording all these things…I could no longer afford the cell phones esp since it wasnt even being used nor the house phone except for him to tell me off and ask me for a child support reduction…

She still has her email accounts and her myspacepage, he hasn’t written in her email ever, I think once he wrote to her and on her myspacepage it’s been about 8 months since she received anything from him and what she received was another manipulative feeling sorry for me email from him…

I don’t deny him anything I just can’t afford it…I live off of 17 grand a year for a family of 4? Seriously…You think I can afford anything??? Yet my kids have no needs…I can’t get a second job, I will never hear the end of my daughter turning against me for abandonment…So she knows she gets what I can afford…
 
I think you should decline the phone and send it back if it arrives. From all the “rules” in the email, it seems pretty clear he is imposing on you some responsibility to be the monitor here and make sure songs are not downloaded, minutes are not exceeded, etc. What is the consequence if they are, and to whom? Will you be expected to pay for them? Your daughter?

That’s just dumb to hand a kid a phone with limits and not explain the limits and the consequences. It’s also pretty rude to expect you, as some kind of remote control parenting device to supervise limits you are not imposing on your own.

If the phone broke, who would replace it? At what cost?

All of these would have to be addressed, but since your daughter already has a phone, you don’t need the extra headaches. So just say no thanks.
 
kage_ar said:
What he has or has not done is not an excuse to cut off all means of communication - until the court says you may.

If he is permitted to call the existing cell phone, and the children are permitted to call him - maybe once a week there is a daddy call? then it seems logical to disallow the cell phone.

That is all I am saying, I never said give a child free reign with any phone.
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*She said she hasn’t prevented him from calling, just the opposite. *
 
whatevergirl said:
*I dated a type like him before my dh. Perhaps, I’m hardened to the type of guy that your ex is…but I see through his nonsense. He is manipulative. Leopards don’t change their spots. But, you cannot change the man. You CAN change how you react or don’t react to him. Do not play his games. Be cordial, do what the court requires…and don’t show your anger to your daughter, over her dad. He will always be her dad. And their relationship is their relationship. (sad about Disney though, he is mean to his own dd like that? Ugh) :mad:

It’s a tough deal, but I would be strong…and don’t let him have anymore control over your life.

You don’t need his cell phone, with a thousand different rules and restrictions…so he can use your dd again as a yo yo…and possibly you. Be strong. 😉 :hug1:*
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I am telling you, when we were together you would see this tiny tot 2-4 year old running after me telling him everything I did because he wanted to know when I would go to the bathroom, how many times I went out with my friends, mom, etc…It was really devastating to get my daughter to stop being his slave and he manipulated her really darkly…When she found out about his engagement and her giant diamond ring she had a breakdown, I had to take her to counseling, then he turned around and stated “well what do you expect with a mother like you!” He didn’t care what his daughter was going through I had to be the one making sure she didn’t run away or try to hurt herself…We were living in the house we are moving out of and she broke a lot of stuff from the house during those tantrums of frustration anger sadness and being lost because he would tell them he was coming to visit them and never did…And no matter how many times I offered he never took it never…He would tell me things like “you will have to buy 6 tickets!” I was like I DONT THINK SO YOU ARE THEIR FATHER NO ONE ELSE!! And then he would say “well then I can’t make it until I have enough for all those tickets! and You better help with the HOTEL!” It was like wow!!!

This is what I fear and I am terrified he will get to her and I will no longer have a daughter I will have a robot and a monster again… He would always tell her “sorry baby I can’t come see you but your mother takes all my money I don’t have any because I have to give her child support!” Then she would ask me why I take his money and I would explain what child support was for, and I told her it was to help the other parent pay for the things the other parent was unable to be there for… She would be like whatever…

SO believe me, I fear for my child…and for myself…
 
iluv I think he’s just using getting your DD a phone as yet another means of manipulation. He has shown he’s not worried about communication with them often, this is about daddy having the upper hand and looking like the nice, cool, awesome daddy because he got DD a phone and mom can’t afford one. I’d say, no thanks, and that’s all you need to say.

FWIW I don’t have a problem with kids having cell phones for emergencies etc… my 11 yr old has one and is very good with it, calls me when she gets to school and leaves school or CCD to tell me she’s walking home. It’s not even an issue of the phone here, at all, it’s an issue of your Ex playing more games.:twocents:
 
Rob_s_Wife said:
Do not respond to his emails at work ever again - he knows not to send them to your work so he shouldn’t expect you to receive them anymore there. put that account on spam/block.
If your dc already have a cell that you/fiance have provided, then that’s enough. And at that age, I’d be pretty strict about it staying off when home - he can call the house then. I’m not sure I understand. He says how strict he’ll be with it, how few minute there will be (500 shared in a family is a very small amount of talk time!) then he says he wants them to have it so they can stay in touch?:confused: And the data/GPS/internet access on the phone would be a HUGE no-go forme. Way, way too much out there for an 11 yr old to surf around on. And it sounds like this might not be the kind of guy you want having a GPS on your location allthe time. Besides, he needs to pay his child support before he pays for a cell phone.
So I’m in the no bc it just doesn’t make sense to me catagory.
**And I second of third that this should not have ever been brought up to the kids. (Come on, seriously what other answer did you think you’d get?🤷) This needs to be decided between the two of you. **
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I just don’t understand how he wants a GPS and all that other stuff not sure what he’s trying to do with/to my daughter…AND like I said yes she’s on the phone no more than 15 mins each call and she only has 2 really close friends…

And no it doesnt I dont understand how someone can say I got this and this for the kids but is not willing to pay child support? But whatever… Yeah you are right I shouldn’t have said anything but at least she knows what the rules and regulations are for when he does bring it up to her she will know why it was not happening instead of coming back to me like he used to do to her about not affording to visit them because he pays for childsupport and I was taking all his money away from him… I don’t think that’s fair and he will bring that up…
He always brings stuff up to her whenever he would talk to her…
 
Wow this is a stressful situation!
You mentioned that you asked your daughter if she wanted the cell phone and she said yes. Now, for future instances, I would suggest not asking your daughter her preference on things like this but instead making the decision and then informing her afterwards. Children are not the go-between in adult decisions…I know you were just seeking her (name removed by moderator)ut, but it really lessens your power to do this. Now, you may have a disappointed daughter on your hands if she doesn’t get the phone and it plays into his manipulation. Your ex sounds like a real piece of work and I hate to say it, but you have to be smarter when it comes to dealing with him. First off, block his emails on your work account. If he emails you under a fake email address, simply do not open or reply so that he does not have confirmation you read it.
If he wants to give her a cell phone to call him on, I say fine, let him do it. You already see that he is doing this as a tool of manipulation. Don’t even turn the phone on, unless it is for your daughter to call him. Any call made on that phone gives him access the numbers of people in your and your daughter’s life and that is dangerous (he can see the numbers come up on the phone bill). Since he is so manipulative, he may see numbers and call them just to embarrass you to your daughter’s friend’s parents. So, make sure dd only ever dials her dad’s number from it.
Give him nothing more as far as rights than the courts make you. You are dealing with a very devious and hateful man. Unfortunately, your daughter is getting trapped in his pettiness and vindictiveness. You need to shield her. It sounds like she has a lot of very destructive people in her life between your future MIL and her dad. Are you sure you getting married will not be too traumatic for her right now? Do you have parents you can move in with to lessen financial burdens for a bit? Since her dad is already re-married…that is a lot of change and being exposed to adult romantic relationships for one little girl. A single mom with 3 kids and a job… no offense, but how did you have time to date? How did you have the emotionally capability to pour into a romantic relationship when you have children who are in dire emotional circumstances with a narcissistic father and who depend on you for love and validity in their formative years. I am not trying to insult your life…this is my honest gut feeling. I know I probably sound very harsh….but in all honesty you have even posted here about the stress your MIL has introduced into your life (and trust me I can relate)… this is an extra burden that children do not need. It is not your fault that your ex is a grade A jerk…but you are responsible for protecting your kids fragile hearts from any more pain. Your ex was wrong to start a new family with another women… I fear you doing the same with a new man might compound the damage. Even if your daughter loves your fiancé…a part of her resents sharing her mom with some new guy. I know, I am on a soapbox here. I know that typing this, the charity I feel in my heart towards your situation is probably lost in translation.
I hope this trying time in your life passes smoothly.
St. Therese, pray for iluvmybabies
 
kage_ar said:
What he has or has not done is not an excuse to cut off all means of communication - until the court says you may.

If he is permitted to call the existing cell phone, and the children are permitted to call him - maybe once a week there is a daddy call? then it seems logical to disallow the cell phone.

That is all I am saying, I never said give a child free reign with any phone.
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I can’t afford it I can’t pay for things that are not being used I am not cutting him off he has the email he forced me to make and her myspacepage where he hasn’t even written in almost a year so I am not doing something I can not afford to do…

And no the cell phones are not mine I do not use mine except for emergencies only and to comminunicate with my daughter and fiance…I can’t afford for him to go over the minutes he has for emergencies only because I feel like it… Sorry…can’t do that…
 
*iluvmybabies, look at all the energy you waste on this man. He is your ex for a reason, remember that. He will always be your dd’s dad but that doesn’t mean you need to let him drain you of your positive energy. As we Italians from Jersey say…(I grew up in NJ)…"Faaaaaa-get ah-bout it!’’ 😃 Seriously, let this go…let God give you peace. :hug1:

PS–Congrats on your fiance landing a job…think about that, not your ex.
*
 
Oh, he’s not paying child support??? Well then ask him how he can afford cell phones when he can’t afford to pay for the kids basic needs!!! Why does he not have the state down his throat for this money? Why are his wages not being garnished? You should be easily able to report him for this, no charge to you.

iluv I would not EVER involve your kids in these things from now on…YOU make the decision about a phone, not your DD. Of course she’s going to want a phone, she doesn’t know better in this situation, YOU have to know better.

Prayers for you…you’re in a very difficult situation and navigation these things can be hard. I’d just say ‘no’ to him and leave it at that, no discussion, just NO.
 
DOShea said:
I think you should decline the phone and send it back if it arrives. From all the “rules” in the email, it seems pretty clear he is imposing on you some responsibility to be the monitor here and make sure songs are not downloaded, minutes are not exceeded, etc. What is the consequence if they are, and to whom? Will you be expected to pay for them? Your daughter?

That’s just dumb to hand a kid a phone with limits and not explain the limits and the consequences. It’s also pretty rude to expect you, as some kind of remote control parenting device to supervise limits you are not imposing on your own.

If the phone broke, who would replace it? At what cost?

All of these would have to be addressed, but since your daughter already has a phone, you don’t need the extra headaches. So just say no thanks.
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Exactly, that’s what I feel about it…He said at the end of the email if all this is going over the rules then the phone will be disconnected…The phone she has all ready has nothing on it to download, since my fiance couldn’t afford it he didn’t put anything except texting because if he’s at work or I am at work it’s easier to just quickly run a text to communicate and that’s it, and my daughter on the bus and after school can let me know they are ok quickly without wasting minutes and it has been working out pretty well for now…WE have seen the first bill so far no calls other than to her friends and to have another responsibility for him to make upon me when he wouldn’t even call her ever before, and hasn’t even when she had a cell phone before really bothers me because I am not his maid…If my daughter breaks or loses the phone well then I pay the deductible and replace it so I am on her about making sure it’s safe and not ruined… I don’t need to have any more responsibilities just because he didn’t want to talk to the kids ever…It’s hilarious how he writes “I hate not having a phone to call them on!” It’s like he did and never called…And when he did it was every 2-3 months to nag at me about child support…

I was here on the forumz literally crying because I couldn’t deal with his harasment anymore! IT was devastating and I hadn’t been on here for a while crying about him because he has left me alone all this time and I enjoy my peace without him ruining it…
 
shannyk said:
Oh, he’s not paying child support??? Well then ask him how he can afford cell phones when he can’t afford to pay for the kids basic needs!!! Why does he not have the state down his throat for this money? Why are his wages not being garnished? You should be easily able to report him for this, no charge to you.

iluv I would not EVER involve your kids in these things from now on…YOU make the decision about a phone, not your DD. Of course she’s going to want a phone, she doesn’t know better in this situation, YOU have to know better.

Prayers for you…you’re in a very difficult situation and navigation these things can be hard. I’d just say ‘no’ to him and leave it at that, no discussion, just NO.
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*I agree. Whatever it would take, I’d do it, to get every penny owed to my child from her dad. If he can afford rings, trips, and cell phones…he needs to pay child support. Doesn’t matter what he says to you iluv (I remember you stating a while back that he quit his job, or something or hid his money to avoid child support) Let a judge decide. Let the law take over. Trust me, he won’t sue you for sole custody. *
 
whatevergirl said:
*Is this man paying child support, iluvmybabies? *
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He’s paying partial, and is taking me to court to reduce it by 50% or remove it based on income which he almost owes 14 grand for…I didn’t get any income taxes from him this year, we had a deal every year I gave him one child he reduces the child support with his income tax refund, the first year I got his state taxes, a couple of hundred bucks for some strange reason that is what was sent to the child support services??? It was weird…But anyhow 2 years ago was the first time I got it and he reduced it by almost 3 grand, then he quit working didn’t get child support for about 6 months, then this year I didnt’ get anything at all and he quit working didn’t get a single penny for about 3 or 4 months…So he does this often, very often…

Out of almost 4 years he has paid a total of partial child support 18 months, and a total of full child support 3 months the most…

But yeah that’s what’s going on…
 
He isn’t paying you child support…what a scumbag.
How does he justify taking on a new wife and household when he can’t even support his first one. Is he working? If not, and If he has no wages to garnish…is there a way to have him arrested for back payments he missed while he was employed? Can he have car or property seized? I really have no clue about child support, but it all just seems to unjust that you have to carry the financial weight alone. You certainly didn’t get prengnant alone :mad:

I can see why you were crying…I almost want to cry tears of frustration just reading what you have to deal with.
 
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