Needing to vent exhusband contacted me

[iluvmybabies]

That would be a really bad idea, if custody papers say he claims them. Most things like this are settled by the court. If after that, you take matters into your own hands, you could be in deep trouble.

The same with not having a phone, or not allowing the children to have a phone he gives them, if custody papers say, he has to have a way to contact them, he has to have a way. It doesn’t matter if he never uses it. Now that doesn’t mean that your daughter has to have that phone on her person, 24/7.

I would read the custody papers, see what is required of you and meet those requirements.

If he is trying to have his child support reduced, then he is in contact with the court and possibly a lawyer. If that is the case, you don’t want him to have any ammunition against you.

No he’s not supposed to claim them I did it to help him with the child support arrears he owes… But it backfired on me 2x all ready not allowing it anymore…

I haven’t denied him anything, I can’t afford a phone any longer so I don’t have one… He still can email her or even send her written mail he chooses not to that’s not my problem…

 

[iluvmybabies]

I don’t know that a my space page would count.
Contact, generally, means phone or physical contact. If he lives out of state, then contact, generally means phone. Of course if in the custody papers, it says a my space page is good enough, then that is great.

IF a person can’t afford a phone how can the court make them get one? Seriously? I live off of 17 grand a year with 3 kids, he has lived with up to 40+ grand a year for himself…

I can’t be paying for stuff that’s not being used when he doesn’t even pay full child support that’s denying my kids those 30 or 40 or 20 or 50 dollars a month of food or other necessities…you know my daughter needs deodorant every month, that’s 4 bucks every month, whom gets it? She needs hair conditioners and shampoos, also lotions, and body powder she also gets a perfume every once in a while and loves her hannah montanah glitter!!! This is an almost teenager whom is wearing size 14-16 in girl clothes, expensive stuff I have to provide for her not him…and it’s money I don’t have…YET I make it…

And I was demanded by his first fiance whom was a family lawyer whatever she was and was told a myspacepage was what he wanted in order to keep contact with them and see their pics since he lives in fl and i live in ill…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Sweetie, people like you. You don’t have to apologize and make excuses to your friends. They understand and don’t need an excuse for why you do what you do. And anyone who isn’t your friend doesn’t deserve an explanation.

Never explain. Never justify.

Make your decisions in light of God and His laws and let the chips fall where they may. Eventually men like this show their true colors to the world. It may take a while, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.

If his new girlfriend is nice, she will be walked all over. She’ll end up wanting to talk to YOU. If she is not nice, then it will be fun for you to watch him get walked all over. You’ll hear about it through the grandmothers.



He can’t mandate that you buy a camera. Do you know what that sounds like to a judge? Especially when he hides his income and you’re trying to take care of 3 kids on his $250 a month?

You need to start learning to laugh at his ridiculousness. Because it is. If he wants to see what his kids look like, he can come visit them. Or you can go to a dollar photo booth and take a picture and mail it to him.

Or send a copy of the school picture.

By this point, your daughters’ friends probably all have cameras and she’ll be in photos with them. Post those photos on MySpace. If he chooses not to look, that’s his choice.

YOU are not responsible for his choices. He will spend the next several years accusing you of doing all the things he does and claiming he’s doing the stuff for the kids that you actually do. It’s a psychological process narcissists do called transferral. They can’t handle the truth about themselves, so they cast their evil image onto you and adopt your good qualities in their own mind.

When it starts to fall apart with the new fiancee and her family, he’ll retarget his attention on the kids and you. It’s predictable. In fact, that may be what’s happening now. He may be having problems there already in that relationship so he’s looking around and remembering “Oh, yeah… I had kids. I think I’ll get my love and recognition from them!”

His relationships are doomed to fail. And they will to the point that even his old grandmother will have to admit there’s a problem someday.

 

[maryjk]

IF a person can’t afford a phone how can the court make them get one? Seriously? I live off of 17 grand a year with 3 kids, he has lived with up to 40+ grand a year for himself…

No, but they could make you take one that he was willing to pay for.
Courts aren’t always the best to decide things for a family. They seem real big on keeping a family unit together or at least in contact, regardless of the fact that one is a …jerk.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I got the feeling from what she was saying that it was a private mutual agreement on the taxes and he was giving her back the money he got for claiming the child.

Some things are not spelled out per se in custody papers. Mine say nothing about MySpace. Or providing telephone access.

It’s just with some people it’s not about contacting the kids. I see through this. If he is on a big kick to reduce child support, his lawyer probably asked him some questions about how much he contacts the kids. Oops. Now all of a sudden he’s intent upon making sure he has contact. Otherwise it looks bad in court. With some people it’s all about how they look to the world, not the reality.

As I said, mine was maddeningly predictable. The kids would go over there for 3.5 hours in an afternoon and come home. He would have been off on a date, or up on his computer the whole time and not interacted with them one word for 3.5 hours. No questions about school, what’s coming up, etc. Then as soon as he dropped them off at my house, I’d look at the clock. Five minutes later their phones are ringing and he’s texting them. It wasn’t about being in contact with them. It was about being in my face and proving a point to me.
(Then he would yell at ME if he didn’t know what was going on at the school, or if there was a choir performance. As if it was MY job as his ex wife to keep him informed. He refused to look at the school websites. That was beneath his dignity. It was about keeping me on the defensive. He could have asked his kids. But that would require him to talk to them.)

This kind of man is NOT someone you can work with. He’s let 8 months go by without so much as a card or email. Now his desire to provide a phone coincides with a court appearance? If she refuses it, she looks bad. If she accepts it, I predict as soon as he gets his child support reduced he’ll find a reason to cut off the phone. It’s all for show.

Well he said if the minutes are over and if internet access music downloads are there that he will cut her off watch i will accept the phone and he will tell her “hey honey check out the tunes they got your favs on there!” She will listen to him, and if I tell her hon don’t touch them then I will be the bad one and then she will touch them and after court he will say “she went over the minutes used downloads!” Etc etc etc and cut her off…watch I know him…He made my life a living hell and once I got all the c-r-a-p (I didn’t know c-r-a-p was a bad word?) he wanted me to give her and knowing I couldn’t afford it stopped calling etc… I would literally call him once a month because he would wait 3 months or so before calling them and it was only to ***** at me over the child support! I was super annoying and devastating…These months without him in the picture have been a little peaceful betwen all of us…Man this is just the wrong timing for him to do this…but he has always been this way…

And yeah 8 months later trying to pretend it’s something good??? It’s like “you don’t write to your kids, you don’t remember their bdays you don’t do anything and now this??”! Doesn’t make sense…But whatever you know?! I am just at a loss of words for this person seriously…He just angers me so much…AND I hate being angry at anyone…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

This is what you do. You go down to WalMart or Walgreens. You get one of those $9.99 pay as you go phones. You load it with about 20 minutes of time. You give him that number. Watch him not call it.

That phone is ONLY for him to contact HER. Then you tell the judge she has a phone. If he wants to talk to her, you tell him to send a card refill for phone minutes when they run out.

You’ve called his bluff. You’re only out about $36 for a one-time payment. And his real intentions become apparent.

No, you don’t need to be on a calling plan each month. And if he wants to keep talking to her, he can send her a new card with minutes on it.

 

[iluvmybabies]

He gets his hours cut. Or he stops working overtime. Or he is working under the table. Or like my uncle, he quits whenever the garnishment catches up with him.

He knows how to play the system. Hopefully, when your children are older, including your daughter, they will see him for who his is. My cousins haven’t spoken to my uncle in years. They knew what he was doing all of their lives.

I don’t know…seriously…It’s frustrating…Out of nowhere they call me and tell me oh wait he’s no longer allowed to work those hours now he works less…It’s like huh? Whatever…

Yeah he does he was dating a woman whom was a family lawyer before…oh yeah he does…she has taught him well…

But my daughter isn’t like regular kids, she’s more like my exhusband and my mother, and sister, into money…anything that shines…It’s a hereditary thing because my sister since she was born was like that mother was too and my daughter… I am not lying to you…I like the simple things she’s extravagant, and thus the torture of keeping up with my daughter’s wants is devastating…I am telling you she would nag at me for not letting her father have his money for childsupport so he can come visit until I said forget this she needs to know what it’s for and I explained to her…I took her once to shop for food and socks and undies for them…I showed her what was being used from the child support and then from my paycheck…

Still a work in progress…lol

 

[whatevergirl]

No, but they could make you take one that he was willing to pay for.
Courts aren’t always the best to decide things for a family. They seem real big on keeping a family unit together or at least in contact, regardless of the fact that one is a …jerk.

The problem though is he is being a ‘jerk’ to his daughter, not just to the OP. To me, some of the verbage is borderline, maybe not so borderline–harassment. He calls the daughter, hardly ever…and when he does he gives an 11 yr old a guilt trip? Telling her about money, and trying to put the mother against her. I know that there are laws against divorced people harassing their kids, when it is their time for visitation, or to call them. That’s the problem…an 11 yr old shouldn’t have to listen to her dad insult her mom, complain about money, etc…I think that he does it and gets away with it, but I would look into the law. I wouldn’t want to prevent a father from talking with his daughter, but it sounds like the sessions are more about him harassing her, than a true concerned parent reaching out to chat with his daughter. She shouldn’t have to be put through the ringer, just to have communication with her dad.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Luv, I predict in a few short years he’ll have a second ex-wife. That kind never changes. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You can look yourself in the mirror.

Make sure your lawyer lets the judge know about the pattern of income decline every time the wages are garnished. You can demand he submit tax returns and W-2s to prove his earnings. Some companies will pay under the table or delay payment to employees to help them evade their responsibilities. Judges are used to these games. Just make sure you have records of what you received.

Eventually the kids will figure it out.

I dunno his new wife has 2 kids from 2 different men and never married this is her first marriage i think she will stick around and he’s working 2 jobs did you know that? Before I had the chance of saving the info they changed all of their 2 myspacepages and left them all blank there is no longer a record of his new wife or their family pics to disney world or anything else right when I discovered everything…and started taking my daughter to the counselor after her breakdown…Oh yeah really frustrating… Everything everything gone even his new wife put he was working 2 jobs literally wrote this “Look at my hard working man working 2 jobs to support his wife!” I was like WHAT? But child support did nothing…so whatever…

 

[iluvmybabies]

The ONLY thing that I wonder is this. His new wife. Maybe she is the silver lining here. Maybe she is softening him a bit. I mean, that could happen. I think that having read so much about this guy, iluv, it makes sense for you not to trust his motives. There always seems to be a motive, sadly. But…it could be that his new wife is helping him to be a better man. What do you know about her–is she a good person, do you think?

She’s about 8 years younger single mom of 2 from 2 diff men, very naive and she seemed kind from an email I had gotten from her asking me why I left him…She told me she didn’t really believed all and everything that my exhusband told her because of the 3 children we have but she wanted to know both stories… I didn’t email her…It semed she was happy with him why ruin it for her?! Maybe she is changing him to be a better man, heck he spends time with his step kids, takes them places, buys them everything and even works 2 jobs for her…lol must be nice he wouldn’t even keep one job with me!! LOL

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Luv, you can make that materialism work FOR you! You teach her how to be a smart shopper and where she can find good quality at low prices. Teach her that if she paid full price, she cheated herself. Less money to spend on more stuff. (Yeah, it’s bad values, but you have to work with genetics here. I have one of those kids myself. Nothing but the best for her. She has a rude awakening waiting for her…)

And then eventually she will recognize HIS materialism and where HIS money goes. And she will resent it. She’s getting to the age where she will figure stuff out. There’s nothing a selfish person hates more than another selfish person depriving them of what they think is their right.

 

[iluvmybabies]

If that is the case, she should claim the children. But many times, who claims the children on taxes is in the custody papers.I bet visitation or personal contact is spelled out.
Please don’t get the idea that I think iluvmybabies should meet up with this jerk and have lunch. Or that she should be a sweetness and loving to him. He is a jerk, trying to jerk her around.

BUT, by going against the court, she will set herself up for the court to go against her. So, like I said, she should make sure she is complying with the court order. Then bring up his problems.

Yes I decided to go along with it to HELP him, that’s what he said, he said to me “Please let me claim the kids to lower down arrears and it helps you as it helps me!” I said ok I will but If I don’t get anything you are done with me…

Well this year didn’t get nothing was done with him…The IRS wouldn’t tell me whom he gave my child to, someone else claimed him, oh he was ****@d when I redid my taxes and claimed my son, he wrote to me bitching at me telling me off etc etc because now he has to pay income taxes back…SORRY but I needed those 300 bucks and I was not giving him those 3 grand he gets every year from claiming my child!! JUST because he felt like it, not fair for my kids nor for me for him to take his new family everywhere and turn around and blame me for everything…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

That’s what discovery is about with the courts. They can subpoena his tax records and put her on the stand to say he has two jobs.

She’ll eventually find out why you aren’t married to him any more. Mine has had two fiancees in the last 5 years. He told them I was crazy,etc. Both dumped him eventually. They figured it out.

Your kids will eventually realize he’s spending money on someone else’s kids and not them.

Just keep being responsible, pray for God to increase YOUR income. God owns everything. It’s ALL HIS money. Pray for him to send more if it your way. (Yes, it’s all his money. We think it’s ours. But when we die, we can’t take it with us. So it mustn’t really be ours.)

 

[FidesSpesCarita]

The only thing I can say is pray for patience. You are out of the situation for the most part, and the only contact you need to have with this man is in relation to your children. Even then, YOU dont have to talk to him, you just have to provide access (that is one of the hardest things to learn). I grew up in a house like this. My mother had me and my sister while my stepfather had two girls and a boy (i was the baby boy, just 4 at the time). My step siblings mother was absolutely a WITCH. At one point she said that she didnt have time in her life for the kids, despite having ONE job, not paying child support, not having custody of the children, and spending lots of time partying. I had to watch my brothers and sisters cry every weekend because their mother wouldnt come get them. Then I had to watch their mother show up when the kids werent around to try to beat up my father then break the windows in our house.

It is and was awful. My father (stepdad, but the only real father I have on earth) is a good man, far from perfect, but always provided and took care of his children and showed what love he was capable of at the time. Now, however, his two daughters have for some reason chosen the mother that abandoned them over him. The prospect for your oldest daughter is not great IMHO. The only thing you can do on that end is pray that God allows her the wisdom to see through this man.

My biological father, on the other hand, was a manipulative jerk that would never pay child support (at one point he was the number 4 deadbeat dad in FL) and never call (in 24 years post-divorce I received maybe 4 calls on my birthday) and yet it was always my mothers fault. My father sounds a lot like your ex except that my father never remarried. The best thing that ever happened to my Mother was my Stepdad. I pray that your fiancee is like my stepdad. My mother and him fought tooth and nail at times, but he ALWAYS supported her in everything she did and 22 years of marriage later they wouldnt know what to do without each other (despite being at each others throats at times).

I am so very sorry that there are men out there like this. If there was only one of them living on earth it would be too many. Yet, this is the situation that you are in and you need to simply grin and bear it.

From a child who grew up in this situation, the best thing I can tell you is:

1. to never badmouth the dad in front of the kids
2. To allow them whatever is mandated by the courts and whatever else you deem appropriate
3. to always make decisions on your own, or with your fiancee, and tell them the decision. Never involve the children in the process. They will be very angry with you for this, and you will definitely hear “I hate you” more than once, but remember that you are their mother and you DO know whats best for them, despite what some might say.
   and 4. Pray. There is nothing that cannot be solved with prayer. It may not be how you think it should be solved or in the timeframe you believe it should be solved, but GOd knows what he is doing. and remember what Garth Brooks said “Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
   Remember when youre talkin to the man upstairs
   That just because he may not answer doesnt mean he dont care
   Some of gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”

And remember that we love you. Everyone that has been in a situation like this loves you and sympathizes with you.

God be with you,

FSC

 

[FidesSpesCarita]

X2

Sweetie, people like you. You don’t have to apologize and make excuses to your friends. They understand and don’t need an excuse for why you do what you do. And anyone who isn’t your friend doesn’t deserve an explanation.

Never explain. Never justify.

Make your decisions in light of God and His laws and let the chips fall where they may. Eventually men like this show their true colors to the world. It may take a while, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.

YOU are not responsible for his choices. He will spend the next several years accusing you of doing all the things he does and claiming he’s doing the stuff for the kids that you actually do. It’s a psychological process narcissists do called transferral. They can’t handle the truth about themselves, so they cast their evil image onto you and adopt your good qualities in their own mind.

When it starts to fall apart with the new fiancee and her family, he’ll retarget his attention on the kids and you. It’s predictable. In fact, that may be what’s happening now. He may be having problems there already in that relationship so he’s looking around and remembering “Oh, yeah… I had kids. I think I’ll get my love and recognition from them!”

His relationships are doomed to fail. And they will to the point that even his old grandmother will have to admit there’s a problem someday.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You get the maximum deduction for those kids you can! That money is for their upkeep. Not for him to sign off to his friends and family or whoever. SO what if he had to pay back taxes. Of course he’s mad! He’s not used to you standing up for yourself and refusing to be taken advantage of.

The money is for the care and upkeep of the kids for whoever pays that support. YOU pay it. YOU use that money for their food and medical care. YOU have receipts. Just keep all the receipts in a box. Anything you spend on the kids, throw it in the box. Someday you may need that box.

that kind will take advantage as long as you let him. By now you have learned that helping him gets you nowhere.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Sweetie, people like you. You don’t have to apologize and make excuses to your friends. They understand and don’t need an excuse for why you do what you do. And anyone who isn’t your friend doesn’t deserve an explanation.

Never explain. Never justify.

Make your decisions in light of God and His laws and let the chips fall where they may. Eventually men like this show their true colors to the world. It may take a while, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.

If his new girlfriend is nice, she will be walked all over. She’ll end up wanting to talk to YOU. If she is not nice, then it will be fun for you to watch him get walked all over. You’ll hear about it through the grandmothers.



He can’t mandate that you buy a camera. Do you know what that sounds like to a judge? Especially when he hides his income and you’re trying to take care of 3 kids on his $250 a month?

You need to start learning to laugh at his ridiculousness. Because it is. If he wants to see what his kids look like, he can come visit them. Or you can go to a dollar photo booth and take a picture and mail it to him.

Or send a copy of the school picture.

By this point, your daughters’ friends probably all have cameras and she’ll be in photos with them. Post those photos on MySpace. If he chooses not to look, that’s his choice.

YOU are not responsible for his choices. He will spend the next several years accusing you of doing all the things he does and claiming he’s doing the stuff for the kids that you actually do. It’s a psychological process narcissists do called transferral. They can’t handle the truth about themselves, so they cast their evil image onto you and adopt your good qualities in their own mind.

When it starts to fall apart with the new fiancee and her family, he’ll retarget his attention on the kids and you. It’s predictable. In fact, that may be what’s happening now. He may be having problems there already in that relationship so he’s looking around and remembering “Oh, yeah… I had kids. I think I’ll get my love and recognition from them!”

His relationships are doomed to fail. And they will to the point that even his old grandmother will have to admit there’s a problem someday.

Yeah I know I am not responsible but that’s how it went down…4 months ago I posted new pics and about 2 months let him know new ones were on the spacepage again but never got a response for the kids you know?! It’s cool…No his grandmother is a witch sorry for name calling but it’s true she made my life a living hell when I lived around them in florida while married OH MAN! IT was horrible and not once did he stick up for me, I finally snapped and stuck up for myself and we were renting one of her apts she kicked me and my kids out in the street…lol…Oh well what are you going to do right? She would make up things like “she stole 20 grand from my bank account! She stole money from her father-in-law she drew credit cards under his name! She’s a thief she’s a liar shes!!” etc etc etc she spread these rumors so much even my own family not immediate but like the familiy that lives around there the ones that believe my ex’s story were starting to believe her I was like wow I don’t even have a home nor a bed to lay on and you’re going to believe I steel money? I didn’t know I was that way!! LOL

Well before this started my exfather il’s new wife around 7-8 years older than me, lol, started getting credit cards from her husbands name, and taking out his money etc…his mother managed all that stuff so when she saw money missing she blamed it all on me! LOL AS if I had access to anything that was not mine? LOL People are crazy!! Let me tell you… SO that’s another reason that didn’t last long…And since my ex wouldn’t stick up for me oh man, it was even more the humiliation…

At least with this one he knows what’s right and when I am being accused wrongly he doesn’t make me apologize nor stop sticking up for me…thank GOD! let me tell you! I’ve had the worst experience with inlaws…the worst…

 

[iluvmybabies]

No, but they could make you take one that he was willing to pay for.
Courts aren’t always the best to decide things for a family. They seem real big on keeping a family unit together or at least in contact, regardless of the fact that one is a …jerk.

And I told him to do so when I had first announced I couldn’t afford to pay for things, I got bitched and told off about it how he’s sending me all this child support money and that should be more than enough to provide for the kids’ needs and wants including phones…

 

[iluvmybabies]

This is what you do. You go down to WalMart or Walgreens. You get one of those $9.99 pay as you go phones. You load it with about 20 minutes of time. You give him that number. Watch him not call it.

That phone is ONLY for him to contact HER. Then you tell the judge she has a phone. If he wants to talk to her, you tell him to send a card refill for phone minutes when they run out.

You’ve called his bluff. You’re only out about $36 for a one-time payment. And his real intentions become apparent.

No, you don’t need to be on a calling plan each month. And if he wants to keep talking to her, he can send her a new card with minutes on it.

I should do that…thanks for the advise…

 

[iluvmybabies]

The problem though is he is being a ‘jerk’ to his daughter, not just to the OP. To me, some of the verbage is borderline, maybe not so borderline–harassment. He calls the daughter, hardly ever…and when he does he gives an 11 yr old a guilt trip? Telling her about money, and trying to put the mother against her. I know that there are laws against divorced people harassing their kids, when it is their time for visitation, or to call them. That’s the problem…an 11 yr old shouldn’t have to listen to her dad insult her mom, complain about money, etc…I think that he does it and gets away with it, but I would look into the law. I wouldn’t want to prevent a father from talking with his daughter, but it sounds like the sessions are more about him harassing her, than a true concerned parent reaching out to chat with his daughter. She shouldn’t have to be put through the ringer, just to have communication with her dad.

I don’t like that either and when I would tell him that’s none of the kids’ business he would tell me “then lower down the payment” I would be like WHAT? IT was literally 5 minutes for each child because he was busy in the background you could always hear kids and bunch of people talking so he was done and over with them in about 15 mins…