Needing to vent exhusband contacted me

[iluvmybabies]

Luv, you can make that materialism work FOR you! You teach her how to be a smart shopper and where she can find good quality at low prices. Teach her that if she paid full price, she cheated herself. Less money to spend on more stuff. (Yeah, it’s bad values, but you have to work with genetics here. I have one of those kids myself. Nothing but the best for her. She has a rude awakening waiting for her…)

And then eventually she will recognize HIS materialism and where HIS money goes. And she will resent it. She’s getting to the age where she will figure stuff out. There’s nothing a selfish person hates more than another selfish person depriving them of what they think is their right.

Thanks for the advise and that’s a good suggestion…Seriously I am not kidding you about genetics being involved here seems untrue but it is! My sister’s hubby makes 100 grand a year they don’t own their own home because she cant afford one because of her high living she literally buys 600 dollar hand bags etc…It’s ridiculous…Mother same thing…

Me no I hate full price I love sales, and I can’t live without them I don’t own a single thing I paid full price on! Just last month went to the mall first time ever 85% off sale, OMG I was like no way got my mother’s bday gift-first time in years- and sent it to her! I was so glad got her 50 dollar shirt and 80 dollar shoes for a huge discount! I got the shirt for 7 bucks and the shoes for around 12 bucks you can’t even find brand named stuff for under 20 bucks now-a-days and I did I succeeded! I was super happy! I was like man they need to have more of these with prices like these I can afford a few things even for me! Seriously! It was fantastic! Never been so happy to actually go shop!! LOL

Too bad they didn’t have these sales for the kids…Oh what I could have gotten for those 400 something dollars I spent on back to school clothes…lol…

 

[iluvmybabies]

That’s what discovery is about with the courts. They can subpoena his tax records and put her on the stand to say he has two jobs.

She’ll eventually find out why you aren’t married to him any more. Mine has had two fiancees in the last 5 years. He told them I was crazy,etc. Both dumped him eventually. They figured it out.

Your kids will eventually realize he’s spending money on someone else’s kids and not them.

Just keep being responsible, pray for God to increase YOUR income. God owns everything. It’s ALL HIS money. Pray for him to send more if it your way. (Yes, it’s all his money. We think it’s ours. But when we die, we can’t take it with us. So it mustn’t really be ours.)

Oh wow mine had 2 fiances in 3 years the 2nd one married him…lol…the young one did the one around our age the lawyer didn’t…lol the first one did see him but the second one didn’t… lol…

Well we didn’t get a raise this year because company loss not profitted like previous years but that’s life you know?!

True I agree with you, and yeah I think he is, he gave my fiance a job! So when we are married have a working hubby! LOL jkjkjk

 

[lovemyboys]

There is no house phone, these kids need to talk to dad, and he needs to talk to them.

What alternative are you offering the man? You choose to make babies with this man, the mature thing to do is to be civil for the sake of those kids.

I agree-- you’ve got to let kids talk to their dad. To not do so will cause them to have big psychological problems later on. Even if he had been a bad dad in the past, if he wants a chance to talk to his children, it’s only right to let him do so. He only wants to TALK to them, after all. Dads are not disposable or irrelavant

 

[joandarc2008]

OK, tell your dd to post on her my space page that she will be available for a phone call at such and such a time on Sunday between seven and eight. Tell your dd that her daddy is allowed to call on Sundays on that phone between seven and eight. You can always check the call logs and phone bills later to make sure he has not gone over and there has not been other calls. That way you are in the letter and spirit of the law. She also gets one extra a week on a special day. After enough weeks of him not calling she will give up on him. Maybe if he continues not to make contact with your children and continues to not pay support you can start to look at termination of his rights. With termination of his rights your fiance could adopt them - that would only be if he is going to have nothing but a detrimental, manipulative effect on your children.

 

[iluvmybabies]

The only thing I can say is pray for patience. You are out of the situation for the most part, and the only contact you need to have with this man is in relation to your children. Even then, YOU dont have to talk to him, you just have to provide access (that is one of the hardest things to learn). I grew up in a house like this. My mother had me and my sister while my stepfather had two girls and a boy (i was the baby boy, just 4 at the time). My step siblings mother was absolutely a WITCH. At one point she said that she didnt have time in her life for the kids, despite having ONE job, not paying child support, not having custody of the children, and spending lots of time partying. I had to watch my brothers and sisters cry every weekend because their mother wouldnt come get them. Then I had to watch their mother show up when the kids werent around to try to beat up my father then break the windows in our house.

It is and was awful. My father (stepdad, but the only real father I have on earth) is a good man, far from perfect, but always provided and took care of his children and showed what love he was capable of at the time. Now, however, his two daughters have for some reason chosen the mother that abandoned them over him. The prospect for your oldest daughter is not great IMHO. The only thing you can do on that end is pray that God allows her the wisdom to see through this man.

My biological father, on the other hand, was a manipulative jerk that would never pay child support (at one point he was the number 4 deadbeat dad in FL) and never call (in 24 years post-divorce I received maybe 4 calls on my birthday) and yet it was always my mothers fault. My father sounds a lot like your ex except that my father never remarried. The best thing that ever happened to my Mother was my Stepdad. I pray that your fiancee is like my stepdad. My mother and him fought tooth and nail at times, but he ALWAYS supported her in everything she did and 22 years of marriage later they wouldnt know what to do without each other (despite being at each others throats at times).

I am so very sorry that there are men out there like this. If there was only one of them living on earth it would be too many. Yet, this is the situation that you are in and you need to simply grin and bear it.

From a child who grew up in this situation, the best thing I can tell you is:

1. to never badmouth the dad in front of the kids
2. To allow them whatever is mandated by the courts and whatever else you deem appropriate
3. to always make decisions on your own, or with your fiancee, and tell them the decision. Never involve the children in the process. They will be very angry with you for this, and you will definitely hear “I hate you” more than once, but remember that you are their mother and you DO know whats best for them, despite what some might say.
   and 4. Pray. There is nothing that cannot be solved with prayer. It may not be how you think it should be solved or in the timeframe you believe it should be solved, but GOd knows what he is doing. and remember what Garth Brooks said “Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
   Remember when youre talkin to the man upstairs
   That just because he may not answer doesnt mean he dont care
   Some of gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”

And remember that we love you. Everyone that has been in a situation like this loves you and sympathizes with you.

God be with you,

FSC

Thank you FidesSpesCarita, for sharing your story, your understanding, advise and support… I can not even imagine what you went through nor feel about such situations…

It’s very frustrating for me and I think I am just going to go ahead and let him give her the cell phone number, just do for emergencies only and have her call him once in a while…I guarantee he will only call her once or twice in the year unless she calls him…

I shouldn’t have told her but my big fat mouth after reading his email went off…

I hate seeing her suffer with his manipulation and I hate it when he harasses me…It’s devastating but I am trying really hard not to let him get to me and to try and make the best decisions here… you know?!

I don’t want to take them away from him nor deny him his rights I never have…sucked it up and dealt with it you know?! And yup grin and bear it is exactly what I am going to do…GOD willing things will go well and work out for the best… thanks again!

 

[iluvmybabies]

You get the maximum deduction for those kids you can! That money is for their upkeep. Not for him to sign off to his friends and family or whoever. SO what if he had to pay back taxes. Of course he’s mad! He’s not used to you standing up for yourself and refusing to be taken advantage of.

The money is for the care and upkeep of the kids for whoever pays that support. YOU pay it. YOU use that money for their food and medical care. YOU have receipts. Just keep all the receipts in a box. Anything you spend on the kids, throw it in the box. Someday you may need that box.

that kind will take advantage as long as you let him. By now you have learned that helping him gets you nowhere.

Yes I learned my lesson…I really did…this time I didn’t accept him doing this to the kids again! This month I didn’t get foodstamp assistance so I have been trying to eat with whatever we have…Hasn’t been easy but thank GOD we’ve had more than enough!

I mean he hasn’t once said “hey biatch here’s 20 bucks take my kids out to mcds!” Nor anything like that…2 years ago he sent them bday gifts and xmas gifts and that was it…never again…not even a freaking card!! But he provides for them everything…

 

[iluvmybabies]

OK, tell your dd to post on her my space page that she will be available for a phone call at such and such a time on Sunday between seven and eight. Tell your dd that her daddy is allowed to call on Sundays on that phone between seven and eight. You can always check the call logs and phone bills later to make sure he has not gone over and there has not been other calls. That way you are in the letter and spirit of the law. She also gets one extra a week on a special day. After enough weeks of him not calling she will give up on him. Maybe if he continues not to make contact with your children and continues to not pay support you can start to look at termination of his rights. With termination of his rights your fiance could adopt them - that would only be if he is going to have nothing but a detrimental, manipulative effect on your children.

Thats the problem that’s why i couldn’t afford to pay for the cell phones and house phone i was paying for stuff not being used…my daughter would wait for his phone calls and he would not call and the times he did it would be “let me talk to your mother!” Just to tell me off or to tell me how badly he needed me to either take the arrears off or cut down the child support payments…thats’ it…I am scared to put her through that again but obviously i will do it thanks!

 

[iluvmybabies]

Thanks everyone for the great support and advise…Will try to make better decisions for the nearby future hopefully not mess things up…thanks again ttyl…

 

[joandarc2008]

Remember luv there is a difference between humility and humiliation. Stop blaming yourself for everything. And just refuse to get on the phone. What is he going to do stick his hand through the phone and grab you. You are an adult who is marrying someone else - you no longer need to take his stuff.

 

[flyingfish]

Block his e-mail from all your addresses so they go straight to your junk mail and you are not tempted to read them.

You are not required to read any of his e-mails.

If he has the right to have visitation with the children, obviously you have to honor that. But I doubt this right extends to having his daughter own a cell phone that he can talk to her on. He can call your house phone if he has that right.

 

[maryjk]

If he has the right to have visitation with the children, obviously you have to honor that. But I doubt this right extends to having his daughter own a cell phone that he can talk to her on. He can call your house phone if he has that right.

She doesn’t have a house phone.

 

[joandarc2008]

1. When you say that he is not supposed to be contacting you by email is this by court order. If he is violation of a court order you need to report immediately. If not then if he persists you may wish to warn him and get one if you consider his behavior to be harassing/stalking.
2. Also if he can a cell phone - he can afford to put a house phone in your home - even for incoming calls so that he can call his daughters. It will instill more discipline and give them 911 access if needed.

 

[flyingfish]

She doesn’t have a house phone.

Then she should tell him that if he’s really interested in the well being of the children he should get them a house phone. A house phone would be far less expensive than a cell phone with internet and GPS rolleyes, everyone could use it, and would have unlimited talking time as well as important things like being able to call 911.

If he doesn’t agree to this, then his intention is not to give his kids a phone, but to have control over them. In one breath he says hey i want to get you a phone, but by the way don’t you dare use it in these 1000 ways and if you do I’ll cut it off.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Remember luv there is a difference between humility and humiliation. Stop blaming yourself for everything. And just refuse to get on the phone. What is he going to do stick his hand through the phone and grab you. You are an adult who is marrying someone else - you no longer need to take his stuff.

You are right…thank you…It’s so hard to deal with him seriously…after all these years he can still get to me it’s really annoying! This is what he sent me after I told him he was going to be blocked-btw he’s blocked!! LOL

"
I understand that Yes I have been disrespeactful to you out of fusteration of not being able to see my children and yes I blame you. However, I need to have contact with them at least. I am their father weather you want me to be or not. If I send her a phone will you allow her to have it? Also what do the boys want for x-mas? You have to work with me here. You can not avoid me altoghter. I wont send anymore e-mails to your job but please give me a number to call. You do not respond to your personal e-mail. Please allow her to have a cell phone so that we can stay in contact. Please find it in your heart to understand where I am comming from. This is not about us! It is about Me and My Children!
Thank you "

I blocked it went to junk mail but I am not sure what should I do? All the time I have asked him to keep things about the children only but it has never happened all the time he turns around and makes the kids give me the phone and nags and bitches about child support…I don’t know what to really do right now…You see what he did, he writes “this is not about us! It is about me and my children!” I have been telling him this for years! I am so out of it right now!!! I appreciate all of your help! God Bless…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Block his e-mail from all your addresses so they go straight to your junk mail and you are not tempted to read them.

You are not required to read any of his e-mails.

If he has the right to have visitation with the children, obviously you have to honor that. But I doubt this right extends to having his daughter own a cell phone that he can talk to her on. He can call your house phone if he has that right.

I don’t have a house phone right now because I haven’t been able to afford it, and when I did have all these things he never called them maybe the first year he did but after that it was like maybe 2 times in the 2nd year and then nothing after that…

He doesn’t want to visit the kids, I have volunteered to pay for him to come to illinois to visit them he has always made up an excuse to not come and accept it…

I just blocked his email he sent me another one…Just tired of him not sure what I should do after the second one???

Thanks!

 

[iluvmybabies]

1. When you say that he is not supposed to be contacting you by email is this by court order. If he is violation of a court order you need to report immediately. If not then if he persists you may wish to warn him and get one if you consider his behavior to be harassing/stalking.
2. Also if he can a cell phone - he can afford to put a house phone in your home - even for incoming calls so that he can call his daughters. It will instill more discipline and give them 911 access if needed.

1. no not by court order no one wants to help me go against my exhusband in harassment charges because they were done via phone and email not in person…I am blocking him from work because first of all I gave him that email for emergencies only as another form of communication not for him to be harassing me…
2. well you try telling him that…I did for a long time…now he’s turning things around as if he’s the concerned parent trying to prove something…it’s ridiculous… I am tired of him…I have been so harassed and humiliated I am in a wreck towards this man…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Then she should tell him that if he’s really interested in the well being of the children he should get them a house phone. A house phone would be far less expensive than a cell phone with internet and GPS rolleyes, everyone could use it, and would have unlimited talking time as well as important things like being able to call 911.

If he doesn’t agree to this, then his intention is not to give his kids a phone, but to have control over them. In one breath he says hey i want to get you a phone, but by the way don’t you dare use it in these 1000 ways and if you do I’ll cut it off.

remember what he said about the cell phone, its only for my daughter and only to call him and no one else becaue he will be monitoring??? He can’t really monitor a house phone etc…

exactly…so what else can I do?

 

[iluvmybabies]

ex husband rewrote:

"I understand that Yes I have been disrespeactful to you out of fusteration of not being able to see my children and yes I blame you. However, I need to have contact with them at least. I am their father weather you want me to be or not. If I send her a phone will you allow her to have it? Also what do the boys want for x-mas? You have to work with me here. You can not avoid me altoghter. I wont send anymore e-mails to your job but please give me a number to call. You do not respond to your personal e-mail. Please allow her to have a cell phone so that we can stay in contact. Please find it in your heart to understand where I am comming from. This is not about us! It is about Me and My Children!
Thank you "

Everything I have ever written to him about children and him and not me and him he has thrown it in my face as if it’s him saying this meaningfully! WOW! He’s really scared about the judge hearing about his lack of communication with his children! How hilarious is this… Advise is greatly appreciated thank you!!!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Tell him he can write the kids on their emails. Ask the kids directly what they want.

I’d tell him he can send the phone to the daughter. And then only let her use it to talk to him. If she hands it to you and says “Dad wants to talk to you,” hang up.

You don’t have to listen to his abuse. That’s what I used to do to my xh when he’d call: “You know, one of the many nice things about not being married to you anymore is I don’t have to listen to your garbage.”

Then I’d hang up.

If the daughter misuses the phone, pull the SIM card and tell her she’s lost the phone because by disobeying his rules she put you in the position of having to listen to his abuse.

It really would be no fun for him to monitor a phone that only was used to call himself.

He’d get bored and never call. Call his bluff.

My theory is he’s afraid of telling the judge he has no contact with the kids and hasn’t talked to them for years. And I bet he’s having problems with the new wife and kids. So he’s looking for his own kids to give him all that daddy love.

Stop offering to pay for him to see the kids. He has money for Disneyworld, he has money to see his own kids. I see that he blames you for his own apathy toward his kids. Typical. You don’t have to accept that blame.

Tell him the boys want gift cards to (name their favorite clothing store or toy store or shoe store.) Make him send money to fill the kids’ needs. Since he doesn’t know their sizes you can go shopping for coats and clothes. Tell him they need new shoes/boots/clothes.

His sudden devotion to his kids is suspect. But you don’t have to take his emails or respond to them.

At this point I’d let the daughter have the phone. With rules. As another poster said: She calls him at a specific time. And the phone remains in one place in the house and you control it. (Or control the charger. You plug it in when you want her to use it. Otherwise it remains uncharged so she can’t take it away.)

His real motives will become apparent. I predict once the court has determined child support his interest will fade really quickly.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Tell him he can write the kids on their emails. Ask the kids directly what they want.

I’d tell him he can send the phone to the daughter. And then only let her use it to talk to him. If she hands it to you and says “Dad wants to talk to you,” hang up.

You don’t have to listen to his abuse. That’s what I used to do to my xh when he’d call: “You know, one of the many nice things about not being married to you anymore is I don’t have to listen to your garbage.”

Then I’d hang up.

If the daughter misuses the phone, pull the SIM card and tell her she’s lost the phone because by disobeying his rules she put you in the position of having to listen to his abuse.

It really would be no fun for him to monitor a phone that only was used to call himself.

He’d get bored and never call. Call his bluff.

My theory is he’s afraid of telling the judge he has no contact with the kids and hasn’t talked to them for years. And I bet he’s having problems with the new wife and kids. So he’s looking for his own kids to give him all that daddy love.

Stop offering to pay for him to see the kids. He has money for Disneyworld, he has money to see his own kids. I see that he blames you for his own apathy toward his kids. Typical. You don’t have to accept that blame.

Tell him the boys want gift cards to (name their favorite clothing store or toy store or shoe store.) Make him send money to fill the kids’ needs. Since he doesn’t know their sizes you can go shopping for coats and clothes. Tell him they need new shoes/boots/clothes.

His sudden devotion to his kids is suspect. But you don’t have to take his emails or respond to them.

At this point I’d let the daughter have the phone. With rules. As another poster said: She calls him at a specific time. And the phone remains in one place in the house and you control it. (Or control the charger. You plug it in when you want her to use it. Otherwise it remains uncharged so she can’t take it away.)

His real motives will become apparent. I predict once the court has determined child support his interest will fade really quickly.

Ok thanks for the advise…I definitely understand what you are saying and see where this may be going…I told you he blames me for everything always has and he changes everything around he does this all the time…I am tired of him…I will tell him that it’s fine for him to send the phone and that whatever happens to it is his and her problem I don’t want to be held responsible for it, not at all, not my deal…I am not willing to be his slave or servant…I am not his wife anymore don’t have to do it… And yeah I do feel he’s afraid court date is coming up really fast…I know it is…Probably by this december or january so yeah I bet he’s really scared about it… UGH! This mand drives me mad seriously!! Thanks again for your help and support!