I’m not qualified to discuss the main part of this problem but there is a part of it that I think I can say something about.
(Well, something, else, too. With a problem like this, it might be good to see a priest or a marriage counselor, to see if everybody can bury the hatchet. There’s a lot of stress here already and it seems that the marriage has not happened yet.)
Both my mother and my sister have personality problems, and my aunt has a real specialty personality problem, too.
People with a sado-masochistic personality seem to have grievances which are hard to comprehend to anybody but themselves. Another problem is that they are totally immune to anybody’s suggestion. To convince them of ANYTHING is saying to them that they are wrong, which they will never admit. All of that is the masochistic (self-punishing) part of their personality, which means they want to relive over and over the thing that causes them pain. And, like receiving the packages, events of unusually low significance otherwise remind them of their pain – which they secretly enjoy.
Then, the sadistic part of their personality is that they have to punish everybody – because that gives them pleasure, too. I don’t know the lady, of course, but I would think that iluvmybabies is not likely the only person who has been targeted by this future MIL. They tend to have (according to the textbooks) have a demeaning attitude towards others, and will often say things like “that stupid mailman” “the stupid plumber” “that crazy guy.” Always putting people “down”, especially people in authority.
Does this fit or not? I don’t know. What I am saying though, is that there are a couple such women in my life, and one thing I know, they will never change. Sending emails will not change them, having lunch with them will not change things, etc. The resiliency of future MIL’s personality is reflected in the difficulty in trying to deal with these problems.
In my situation, one woman goes beserk because she just finished washing the dishes and 10 minutes later there’s a dirty glass in the sink, and then the afghan was crooked on the couch. See? People ARE persecuting her! “Launch the attack. Make everybody suffer.”
It’s the oldest story in the world. I’m a guy trying to figure out three women and use logic with them – well, forget it. None of them even wants to change, doesn’t see that they are doing anything wrong, have no reason to change, are sticking to their guns, and are certainly not going to take the slightest suggestion from me! Yup, sado-masochistic personality. YOU AINT GONNA CHANGE THEM
Well-lllllllllllll, OK then.
Now, since he is going to be the spiritual head of your household why would you question whether or not he is doing the right thing? it is HIS family not yours that is the problem.