Nephew and road trip gone bad

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for this perspective on it. I did find it interesting she was stressing over and over to me how MUCH money $200 is, while apparently not realizing that $1600, total cost of the trip, is quite a bit more. And missing the realization that she, her cousin, and friend, all continue to live rent free with their $200 while I have monthly bills, 7 kids to feed, and a major driveway repair ($4K) this summer with my $1600. Perhaps part of the teaching is discussing that with her kindly.

This, I think…that is, you can explain that while you would like to have the money to have hosted her friends for the trip, you were forced to say up front that you really don’t have the money to do that, because she has seven brothers and sisters that also have their needs to be attended to, and you aren’t that wealthy.

You can’t do anything about the lies and distortions of the truth that the relatives spread about you. One of the rabbis, when counseling someone who had damaged someone else’s reputation with gossip, demonstrated this principle by opening up a feather pillow and shaking the contents into the wind. He said something to this effect: “Gather up those feathers; that is the work of repairing a reputation.”

Guard your reputation with people who respect reputations and care about the truth. As for the rest, you are only throwing pearls before swine. When you realize you are in that situation, it is time to just get out of the pen and count the pearls you’ve lost already as lost for good. It will be great if they ever turn up again, but it is not worth going in after them.

PS I don’t mean to solicit the hopes of some schadenfreude, but the truth will win out. If you act with firmness but always with integrity, it will only be a matter of time before your offspring realize the difference between the world you inhabit and the Alice in Wonderland world of alcoholics and co-dependence.

 

[Allegra]

I would have paid for his bus fare home. Since it’s too late for that, I’d just forget about the money and make it clear that he is not welcome in your company until he learns to act like a human being.

 

[holyrood]

You can’t do anything about the lies and distortions of the truth that the relatives spread about you. One of the rabbis, when counseling someone who had damaged someone else’s reputation with gossip, demonstrated this principle by opening up a feather pillow and shaking the contents into the wind. He said something to this effect: “Gather up those feathers; that is the work of repairing a reputation.”

Guard your reputation with people who respect reputations and care about the truth. As for the rest, you are only throwing pearls before swine. When you realize you are in that situation, it is time to just get out of the pen and count the pearls you’ve lost already as lost for good. It will be great if they ever turn up again, but it is not worth going in after them.

It’s interesting, as we work through events in our lives, to find what it is that matters the most. And this, my name, my reputation, has been what has repeatedly frustrated me. If I were causing trouble, yes, say these things. I have heard the story of the rabbi and pillow before, and it’s spot on.

I noticed years ago that without fail, the people I ‘have trouble with’ in my life are those who have direct ties to my mother. And I hear from enough people the things she’s saying about me to finally understand what’s going on. I suspect it all goes back to me speaking up, at a very young age, about inappropriate behavior, and her finding it easier to label me a liar than to face an ugly truth and have to take action. My mother is one who tells and re-tells and re-tells. She’s been telling stories about me for over 40 years now, and I don’t believe I have any hope of ever being accepted on my own merits by some of these people.

I’m starting to look at moving farther out again. I was told here, at Catholic Forums, years ago that physical distance is the only answer with toxic families. I have a house picked out, actually, perfect for my family, with space for my home businesses, and a great price. Someone has made an offer on it, so please pray that either the house will nonetheless become available again, or that something better is waiting for me.

PS I don’t mean to solicit the hopes of some schadenfreude, but the truth will win out. If you act with firmness but always with integrity, it will only be a matter of time before your offspring realize the difference between the world you inhabit and the Alice in Wonderland world of alcoholics and co-dependence.

Thank you. I have a friend who keeps reminding me of this, and keeps reminding me that everyone outside my family who knows me KNOWS exactly how I really live and who I really am. He keeps assuring me my children, too, will see that in time. It is helpful and comforting to have the reminder.

I did come home last night to find my older son (the one involved in all of this) getting the younger kids to clean the house. He’s been going out of his way the last two days to be respectful and helpful, make me sausage for breakfast. Who knows what’s going on in his head.

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s interesting, as we work through events in our lives, to find what it is that matters the most. And this, my name, my reputation, has been what has repeatedly frustrated me. If I were causing trouble, yes, say these things. I have heard the story of the rabbi and pillow before, and it’s spot on.

I noticed years ago that without fail, the people I ‘have trouble with’ in my life are those who have direct ties to my mother. And I hear from enough people the things she’s saying about me to finally understand what’s going on. I suspect it all goes back to me speaking up, at a very young age, about inappropriate behavior, and her finding it easier to label me a liar than to face an ugly truth and have to take action. My mother is one who tells and re-tells and re-tells. She’s been telling stories about me for over 40 years now, and I don’t believe I have any hope of ever being accepted on my own merits by some of these people.

I’m starting to look at moving farther out again. I was told here, at Catholic Forums, years ago that physical distance is the only answer with toxic families. I have a house picked out, actually, perfect for my family, with space for my home businesses, and a great price. Someone has made an offer on it, so please pray that either the house will nonetheless become available again, or that something better is waiting for me.

Thank you. I have a friend who keeps reminding me of this, and keeps reminding me that everyone outside my family who knows me KNOWS exactly how I really live and who I really am. He keeps assuring me my children, too, will see that in time. It is helpful and comforting to have the reminder.

I did come home last night to find my older son (the one involved in all of this) getting the younger kids to clean the house. He’s been going out of his way the last two days to be respectful and helpful, make me sausage for breakfast. Who knows what’s going on in his head.

The truth may not come out until the Final Judgment–of course we know that some children of alcoholics do not catch on to who the sane parent was until after both parents have passed on–but that’s the only judgment that counts, and we have staked our hope on having that much time to wait, with all eternity after that.

Hang in there!

 

[holyrood]

The truth may not come out until the Final Judgment–of course we know that some children of alcoholics do not catch on to who the sane parent was until after both parents have passed on–but that’s the only judgment that counts, and we have staked our hope on having that much time to wait, with all eternity after that.

Hang in there!

Thank you again. It always helps to take the long-term perspective.