New member wanting opinions

  • Thread starter Thread starter lovesfall
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

lovesfall

Guest
**
Hello
I am very upset about something and couldn’t think of a better place to ask this question. I have non-Catholic friends in “real” life but they don’t understand how strongly I feel about my faith.
Please forgive me if this ends up being too long.
I was recently married for the second time to a RC man. My first husband was not Catholic…and he also abused me for 17 years. We did have three wonderful children though that I did raise in the faith.
**Anyway…I dated my current husband for almost three years before we got married this September. I told him from day one how strongly I feel about morals, values and that my faith is the center of my life. I was molested as child and God has been with me through many, many trials throughout my life and without Him I wouldn’t have been able to be as strong as I am. **
**My husband has always told me that he admires my faith and morals and wants to be able to be a very good Catholic and loving husband for me. **
Well I found out about another side of my husband that has been devastating for me and has caused us to barely be on speaking terms. He finally agreed to marital counselling but still doesn’t see that he did anything wrong.
I just want to know if I am being unreasonable and would like anyone’s opinion.
He had went on ebay and bid on pictures of nude women in suggestive poses and bought them. I found them and we had a serious argument but he ended up throwing them away…in front of me so I knew he in fact did. He said he wouldn’t buy anymore but then I found an envelope with some more pitcures…granted they weren’t totally nude but from the waist down they were. He said he collects them because they are in his eyes…“tasteful erotica” but to me they are porn. It just doesn’t wash with me…to me it’s a sin and not only that it hurts me terribly.
Sorry to ramble on…I am just so upset I needed to vent. If this thread is too long then please don’t hesitate to delete it.
God Bless
Sandy
**
 
NO such thing as “tasteful erotica”. If he had to hide it from you its more than that or else he wouldn’t have to hide it. Jesus said, “everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart” Mt 5:28. “tasteful erotica” (porn) desentisizes a person to view another person as merely an instrument of pleasure.

What’s been the most difficult for me is the fact that my husband, not only did these things, but sneaked and lied just to avoid a confrontation with me. Deep down, I think, they know its wrong and they just make excuses, “its art” etc. If he says you just have different tastes point out that he still sinned by hiding it from you. You have told him it hurt you terribly, why does he want to hurt you? He’ll say he didn’t want to, but his actions did.

He may be hiding more. He may be addicted to porn or have a sexual addiction. There’s an internet screening test by Dr. Patrick Carnes (pioneer in the field of sexual addiction) that your husband can take (if willing).

www.sexhelp.com
 
Hi Sandy,

I agree with Wisdom. “Tasteful erotica” is like saying, " Smoked but did not inhale."
 
Yea, that tasteful erotica (an oxymoron) bit was nonsense and he knows it. He knows it was wrong which is why he did it in secret to begin with. You have every right to be upset so do not let him lay the guilt trip on you. You are just going to have to sit down and hash it out. Read what the Catechism says about pornography and show it to him, he has got to come to terms with what he is doing. He will not take your word for it which is why i suggest you use the Catechism, plus the fact that it is worded so perfectly!

:blessyou:
 
Sandy,
My ex -husband was addicted to porn and still is. It ruins marriages unless it is addressed and your husband acknowledges it’s harmful effects on your relationship.
It is an addiction. Please don’t let him or any one else minimize it’s harm.
I will pray for you.
 
Thank you all so much for your replies…I really do appreciate it. It is nice to know that I am not wrong in how I feel. I had so many people tell me that pictures of nude women were not pornogrpahy and maybe they aren’t but it still goes against the teaching of the church. Believe it or not, a priest I had spoken to about this told me it wasn’t pornographic…which I thought was rather odd! I suppose to some people nude pictures aren’t but I have always believed that any suggestive pictures were considered pornographic.

My husband and I are starting counselling next Monday and I am praying that this will save our marriage as I really do love him very much. Aside from this one issue, he is a good man and is a better father to my children than their biological father.

Thanks again and God Bless…🙂

Sandy
 
Sandy–Regardless of whether the pictures are porn or not, they are tasteless and he is involved in something that is hurtful to you and to your marriage. So you absolutely have a right to be concerned. It is good that you both are going to counseling to address this issue and its impact on your marriage.
 
40.png
lovesfall:
…Believe it or not, a priest I had spoken to about this told me it wasn’t pornographic…which I thought was rather odd!..
Click to expand...
I’m sorry to hear that about a priest you spoke to. Although we should trust our priests to a certain extent, it’s better to go by what the magisterium says on the issue (i.e. catechism).
40.png
lovesfall:
…My husband and I are starting counselling next Monday and I am praying that this will save our marriage as I really do love him very much…
Click to expand...
I’ll pray for you and your family. :blessyou:
 
It is a serious addiction, there are even groups that try to help men with this.

I can only tell you from my own experience what helped me. I told my husband that he is not only hurting me, he is hurting himself and God. The Bible says that if a man looks on a woman lustfully, he has committed adultery in his heart. I simply told him I would not stand for him comitting any kind of adultery, and if he really loved me he would respect my feelings enough not to do something that is so hurtful to our marriage, as well as to my own sense of self worth. How would he feel if I started looking at other men?

Well we had to compromise a little. He promised to throw all his pictures away and not get any more, as long as I helped him to resist the temptation by never witholding intimacy from him when he really needed it. We agreed, and it has worked out pretty well so far.
 
Here is what the Catechism has to say:
CCC 2354 Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials.
Click to expand...
 
Another informative and practical resource for those persons and their loved ones who struggle with addiction to pornography is Steve Wood’s web site , click on here to access several useful resources/articles.
 
40.png
Christian4life:
It is a serious addiction, there are even groups that try to help men with this.

I can only tell you from my own experience what helped me. I told my husband that he is not only hurting me, he is hurting himself and God. The Bible says that if a man looks on a woman lustfully, he has committed adultery in his heart. I simply told him I would not stand for him comitting any kind of adultery, and if he really loved me he would respect my feelings enough not to do something that is so hurtful to our marriage, as well as to my own sense of self worth. How would he feel if I started looking at other men?

Well we had to compromise a little. He promised to throw all his pictures away and not get any more, as long as I helped him to resist the temptation by never witholding intimacy from him when he really needed it. We agreed, and it has worked out pretty well so far.
Click to expand...
I agree 100% with everything you had to say, the problem is my husband insists that he does not look at the pictures to become aroused or does he lust after the women in those pictures. I do feel he is not only being dishonest with me but with himself as well. I suppose it’s difficult for anyone that is addicted to something to admit to it. But as you say…even if he does not want to admit these pictures are not pornographic, he has to admit that they are hurtful and to make a choice…either me or the pictures.
 
40.png
Catholic2003:
Here is what the Catechism has to say:
Click to expand...
Thank you.

Both my husband and I have a copy of the Cathecism of the Coatholic Church and that has caused many a disagreement between us. He said the pictures do not contain sexual acts…which they do not…but they are pictures of women in suggestive poses and they are totally nude. My husband is very good at trying to turn things around so I am the one that is in the wrong. But hopefully the counselor will be able to help us…and him…realize that what he is doing is wrong. Thankfully the counselor is Catholic as well.
 
40.png
lovesfall:
I agree 100% with everything you had to say, the problem is my husband insists that he does not look at the pictures to become aroused or does he lust after the women in those pictures. I do feel he is not only being dishonest with me but with himself as well. I suppose it’s difficult for anyone that is addicted to something to admit to it. But as you say…even if he does not want to admit these pictures are not pornographic, he has to admit that they are hurtful and to make a choice…either me or the pictures.
Click to expand...
Absolutely correct. If your husband is not a addicted as he says, why are these pictures so important to him? Why knowing how much it hurts you would he not give them up? I believe there is addiction here but even if there wasn’t your husband must respect your feelings on this matter. You are his wife. He isn’t single anymore, free to do whatever pleases him.

I’m glad you are both in counseling, I hope you have a good Christian counselor or at least one that has not bought into the “all men do it” lie. I am a wife of a recovered alcoholic, as well as pornography addiction. I’ve heard every excuse in the book. You both can get thru this, it’s great you’ve addressed this right away without letting it slide. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Addictions have one serious element in common, whether they are chemical or psychological: the devil whispers in the addict’s ear that the problem isn’t (a problem), or that their involvement isn’t so bad, or that others are much worse (comparing to others instead of to the unchanging standard of right and wrong), etc.

You have my prayers.
 
40.png
lovesfall:
Aside from this one issue, he is a good man and is a better father to my children than their biological father.

Thanks again and God Bless…🙂

Sandy
Click to expand...
Dear Sandy,

Nearly every post I’ve seen here so far involves convincing you in how dangerous this porn is, and how much he needs to change. I have a good (non-Catholic) friend who has this problem, but otherwise has a great job, great relationship with his wife and kids, etc. I don’t understand it at all; I have talked to him quite a great deal about it and he just doesn’t seem to be able to let it go. It caused some friction between him and his wife, until she finally let it go as an issue. I’m guessing he’ll grow out of it; he is in his mid-thirties, but very possibly not.

Please don’t let this one weakness of his become more important to you than the positive things you quoted above. It would be easy to take all these people’s valid concerns and turn it into one big attitude against your husband. Sometimes you have to let the wheat and weeds grow together until the harvest. Not to say you shouldn’t be concerned, or even turned off by it, but don’t let your whole relationship take on an ugly color if a few sessions of therapy don’t “magically” take the problem away. I like the one poster who compromised that she would not withhold intimacy if he got rid of his habits. That may not be a solution for you, depending on the nature of your husband’s problem and your current situation, but I like the approach.

Alan
 
40.png
AlanFromWichita:
Dear Sandy,

Nearly every post I’ve seen here so far involves convincing you in how dangerous this porn is, and how much he needs to change. I have a good (non-Catholic) friend who has this problem, but otherwise has a great job, great relationship with his wife and kids, etc. I don’t understand it at all; I have talked to him quite a great deal about it and he just doesn’t seem to be able to let it go. It caused some friction between him and his wife, until she finally let it go as an issue. I’m guessing he’ll grow out of it; he is in his mid-thirties, but very possibly not.

Please don’t let this one weakness of his become more important to you than the positive things you quoted above. It would be easy to take all these people’s valid concerns and turn it into one big attitude against your husband. Sometimes you have to let the wheat and weeds grow together until the harvest. Not to say you shouldn’t be concerned, or even turned off by it, but don’t let your whole relationship take on an ugly color if a few sessions of therapy don’t “magically” take the problem away. I like the one poster who compromised that she would not withhold intimacy if he got rid of his habits. That may not be a solution for you, depending on the nature of your husband’s problem and your current situation, but I like the approach.

Alan
Click to expand...
I would amend, that rather than ‘finally let it go as an issue’, to ‘keep it on the forefront as an issue’, but give it over to the Lord and daily intercede for this inhabiting darkness to be eliminated from the marriage relationship and wisdom and guidance to deal with this problem.

Addiction to pornography engages a person’s mental, emotional, spiritual and physical energy, i.e., all the energies that sustain and grow an ongoing relationship. A married person addicted to pornography is sustaining a concurrent, competing relationship (via the relationship capacity energies being expended) with one’s spouse, and as a self serving relationship (which addiction is) over time tends to progress, demand more (unless explicitly resisted). Addiction is addiction, vice is vice, and left to its own device, seeks to destroy, consume; this is a different degree/type of problem than simply another **‘weakness’ **or character defect that someone overtime hopefully will come to terms with and change/eliminate.

I would suggest a more active (less passive) response to confronting and ridding this darkness, this insidious habit/behavior pattern from the sanctity of the marriage covenant. Again, read more about the detructiveness of pornography to relationships and families if unconvinced of the potential harm of allowing this isssue to being sidelined or inadequately addressed. If anything, why settle for less, for a marriage and family life that is being marginalized, limited by the chosen, self-indulging behavior of one of its members?
 
40.png
felra:
I would amend, that rather than ‘finally let it go as an issue’, to ‘keep it on the forefront as an issue’, but give it over to the Lord and daily intercede for this inhabiting darkness to be eliminated from the marriage relationship and wisdom and guidance to deal with this problem.
Click to expand...
Dear felra,

I was not intending to advise anyone to “let it go as an issue” but that was what my friend’s wife did. It’s clearly not the best situation for the marriage as long as the behavior continues, but it’s a far cry above him doing it and her being all worried about it and constantly having it on her mind.
I would suggest a more active (less passive) response to confronting and ridding this darkness, this insidious habit/behavior pattern from the sanctity of the marriage covenant. Again, read more about the detructiveness of pornography to relationships and families if unconvinced of the potential harm of allowing this isssue to being sidelined or inadequately addressed. If anything, why settle for less, for a marriage and family life that is being marginalized, limited by the chosen, self-indulging behavior of one of its members?
Click to expand...
True, why settle for less? There are many manifestations in any given one of us of original sin, trained by society. Reading porn is one of them. Sometimes I find that focusing on one particular defect is not the way to cure the defect; in fact, if you focus overly on the porn behavior you may cure the symptom but not the cause. For that matter, you could make it worse. It’s like fingernail biting – I started when I was a little kid, and whenever my dad saw me he’d say “get your hands out of your mouth.” I loved my dad greatly, but I hated him to see that because I was ashamed of myself for not being able to quit. Guess when I quit biting my fingernails? A few months after Dad died.

Alan
 
40.png
lovesfall:
**** He said he collects them because they are in his eyes…“tasteful erotica” but to me they are porn. It just doesn’t wash with me…to me it’s a sin and not only that it hurts me terribly.****
Click to expand...
“tasteful erotica” The word erotica says it all:

e·rot·i·ca Literature or art intended to arouse sexual desire.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top