Newly married and newly miserable

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robojustin

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Hi

This is my first post here -

I’m a 27 years guy and married my long-time fiance last Saturday.

I found out last night that just prior to our wedding, she had contacted an ex-boyfriend, met with him, spoke to him multiple times on the phone, etc.

This may sound like no big thing, but the truth is, and she knew this, that this particular man that she spoke to … Well, she couldn’t have done a worse thing to me. He was an older man, divorced, with children, that she had been dating when I first fell in love with her three years ago… And I have never been able to contain my jealousy of him. I know that they had sex, and all kinds of other stuff I wish I didn’t know. He had tried to contact her a few times during our courtship, and she assured me that she wouldn’t speak with him.

The point is, had I known prior to my ceremony on Saturday, I wouldn’t have married her. It sounds extreme, but the thought of them together is just a nightmare in my mind.

Now, here I am, married for three days and with a broken heart. I don’t know what to do - my trust for her is shattered, and I am absolutely miserable.

I feel like I was, in essence, tricked into marriage (by her withholding information that would have caused me not to marry her) and I want to know if annulment would apply to this situation.

I know that this sounds extreme, but this is the one thing I couldn’t forgive, and she knew that, yet she did it anyway.

I’m not a stupid person, and I’m sorry if this sounds retarded, I’m just basically crushed into dust and feel that I need to get away from this woman or I’ll hurt myself.

Any advice appreciated -

j

😦 😦 😦
 
If this is the one thing she knew you wouldn’t forgive… do you think she wanted to sabotage your marriage? Do you believe that she is having seconds thoughts? It just seems odd that she contacted him out of the blue right before her wedding… with everything else that’s going on… why would she want to meet with him? How did you find out - did she tell you? Is she very sorry… or is her attitude more of… get over it?

I am so very sorry. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through right now, during what should have been, a very happy time. 😦
 
I know you feel very betrayed.

It sounds like your fiancé contemplating your upcoming marriage was reflecting back on her past and possibly felt the need to bring closure to that part of her life. Not that is a justification for her dishonesty at all.

Jealousy will kill love with out a doubt. These issues should have been addressed before you made your vows before God. To be completely honest I’m not quite sure you were ready for a marriage commitment either if you so freely deny forgiveness barely a few days into your marriage.

Call your priest and make an appointment to see him asap. You need help sorting this all out. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Yeah, she said that she was scared, but more disgustingly that she needed to know why he had “broken up with her.”

She was still hung-up on him for the three years we dated…

And now claims to be over it, but I obviously have some trouble believing it.

She said that she “looked back at her past” and that she shouldn’t of…

But the way I see it, it really didn’t have much to do with me, but with some self-worth issues over that dude.

yuck :mad:
 
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rayne89:
I know you feel very betrayed.

It sounds like your fiancé contemplating your upcoming marriage was reflecting back on her past and possibly felt the need to bring closure to that part of her life. Not that is a justification for her dishonesty at all.

Jealousy will kill love with out a doubt. These issues should have been addressed before you made your vows before God. To be completely honest I’m not quite sure you were ready for a marriage commitment either if you so freely deny forgiveness barely a few days into your marriage.

Call your priest and make an appointment to see him asap. You need help sorting this all out. I will keep you in my prayers.
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Thanks, and understood about the not being ready bit - perhaps I just didn’t expect to have to forgive so soon, and especially for something I’d already had to forgive her for…
 
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robojustin:
I’m not a stupid person, and I’m sorry if this sounds retarded, I’m just basically crushed into dust and feel that I need to get away from this woman or I’ll hurt myself.

😦 😦 😦
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Justin,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I have, and will continue to pray for you tonight.

My first response is: if you need to get away, then get away. Do not hurt yourself, or anyone else, for that matter. Right now you are feeling ‘crushed into dust’, as you said. Hang in there. Things will get better.

Secondly: is there someone you trust to talk over this issue? What about the priest who married you–could you make an appointment to see him? Do you know any other good priest?

You’ve turned to the CA forum for help, and that’s fine, but I would just caution you that you may find that you’ll be asked for more details than you might be prepared to give right now, nor should you.

May St. Joseph, the model of husbands, intercede for you.
 
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StephanieC:
Justin,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I have, and will continue to pray for you tonight.

My first response is: if you need to get away, then get away. Do not hurt yourself, or anyone else, for that matter. Right now you are feeling ‘crushed into dust’, as you said. Hang in there. Things will get better.

Secondly: is there someone you trust to talk over this issue? What about the priest who married you–could you make an appointment to see him? Do you know any other good priest?

You’ve turned to the CA forum for help, and that’s fine, but I would just caution you that you may find that you’ll be asked for more details than you might be prepared to give right now, nor should you.

May St. Joseph, the model of husbands, intercede for you.
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thank you stephanie

i’m camped out at my studio for now (i’m an artist), and don’t plan on going home for a bit, so it will be OK. I just know the levels of depair that a borken heart send me into - but then again, my last one happened before I was in the Church, so I might be able to ride this one out a bit better.

As for the person to trust… I’m just too embarrased at the moment to talk about it with anyone. I don’t really have anyone that I trusted completely except for her, and that’s a little messed up at the moment.

Anyways, thank you…

😦 😦 😦
 
Ahh, an artist—I will pray extra for you, then, since I am from a family of artists. For what it’s worth, if anyone in my family were in the same situation, I would tell them that they had nothing to be embarrassed about.

Try to take advantage of daily Mass during this time, if possible. (See www.masstimes.org for one near you) Stay close to Christ in the Eucharist, even if only in front of the tabernacle in prayer.

I will pray for you; you pray for your wife. 🙂 Try and get some rest.
 
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StephanieC:
Ahh, an artist—I will pray extra for you, then, since I am from a family of artists. For what it’s worth, if anyone in my family were in the same situation, I would tell them that they had nothing to be embarrassed about.

Try to take advantage of daily Mass during this time, if possible. (See www.masstimes.org for one near you) Stay close to Christ in the Eucharist, even if only in front of the tabernacle in prayer.

I will pray for you; you pray for your wife. 🙂 Try and get some rest.
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thanks stephanie -

you know us types, then -

the link is most helpful, as well

i am of course in the process of finishing my first feature film for a fast approaching deadline, and my wife has her first solo show this weekend, so rest isn’t in the gameplan, but i thank you for your prayers and i will go to mass in the morning -

j
 
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robojustin:
I am yes -

She is, in a sort of half-a**ed way
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So it doesnt look like she would be open to anything a Priest would have to say in a counseling session.

But anyway I would do as Rayne suggested:
Call your priest and make an appointment to see him asap. You need help sorting this all out. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Sorry you´re going through all this robojustin.

I will pray for you :gopray: Stay strong
 
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robojustin:
I found out last night that just prior to our wedding, she had contacted an ex-boyfriend, met with him, spoke to him multiple times on the phone, etc.
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When you say that you “found out”, do you mean that your wife told you, or that you discovered it by some other means?
I have never been able to contain my jealousy of him.
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While I do not at all mean to imply that this situation is your fault, do you understand that your continuing jealousy made it more difficult for your wife to be open with you about this? She may well have avoided talking to you about it because of your feelings. As I said, this does not mean that you are to blame; I merely would like you to consider how she felt.
Now, here I am, married for three days and with a broken heart. I don’t know what to do - my trust for her is shattered, and I am absolutely miserable.
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I am going to presume that you married her out of love, okay? Now she has done something which has upset you terribly. Ask yourself this: does she hate you? If the answer is no, then it would be reasonable to conclude that she did not do this with a view to upsetting you.

What I would suggest is that you both need to sit down together and talk this through. What you are having is, wholly and solely, a communications breakdown. She did not tell you because she was afraid of how you would react, you are upset because she did not tell you, and now you are not talking to each other. You’re currently playing chapter 5 of a Harlequin Romance (like 10 000 000 other couples). What you need is the great reconciliation in chapter 7: you need to sit down, talk it out and establish a code of conduct for your marriage.

Don’t worry, you will only have to revise it about 100 000 times. Over the next year.

FYI: my Beloved and I had a very tough first week. We had to sort out a lot of things that we had never imagined would ever need to be discussed with anyone. Now, five and a half years on, we cannot get enough of each other.
I’m not a stupid person, and I’m sorry if this sounds retarded, I’m just basically crushed into dust and feel that I need to get away from this woman or I’ll hurt myself.
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You’re obviously a very passionate person, a quality which your wife probably appreciates very much.
 
I cannot counsel you about how to react to this right now. I just chimed in to tell you that, believe it or not the feelings of jealousy about her past do eventually get weaker and weaker until you’ll hardly think of them at all. I think the strength of your feelings right now may be somewhat natural for a newlywed man.

Hearing you now takes me back a number of years, but I can remember those feelings of resentment and anger and grief about things I wish I never knew…things that we can do nothing about because they are in the past. I was consumed for a while with thoughts and pictures in my head relating to my jealousy about the past.

This may not be much consolation, but I can tell you it does subside. It’s been a long time since I thought about those feelings. Time will heal this wound, if you forgive her and decide to stay.

I think it is fair to tell her that what you need is assurance that you are her one and only. But she can only offer words right now. Time and faith will be required for it to be demonstrated.

Seek the counsel of trusted people who know both of you.

You are in my prayers tonight.
 
Women do stupid things. I know I did. I talked to people I shouldn’t have talked to, and sometimes, in fact most of the time we have good intentions, for example settling our past. It wasn’t right for her to do what she did, but like someone posted before, cool down and talk to her, tell her calmly how you feel, even if you have to write it down. Trust me, communication is sooooooo imprtant right now, there could be more you don’t know, or things could have been miscommunicated, or not, but no matter what, TALK first, then act. Don’t make big decisions in the heat of the moment otherwise you will for sure regret it.

I’ll pray for you!
 
Two rules for a successful marriage:

Forgiveness is mandatory.

Divorce is not an option.

– Mark L. Chance.
 
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robojustin:
Hi

This is my first post here -

I’m a 27 years guy and married my long-time fiance last Saturday.

I found out last night that just prior to our wedding, she had contacted an ex-boyfriend, met with him, spoke to him multiple times on the phone, etc.

This may sound like no big thing, but the truth is, and she knew this, that this particular man that she spoke to … Well, she couldn’t have done a worse thing to me. He was an older man, divorced, with children, that she had been dating when I first fell in love with her three years ago… And I have never been able to contain my jealousy of him. I know that they had sex, and all kinds of other stuff I wish I didn’t know. He had tried to contact her a few times during our courtship, and she assured me that she wouldn’t speak with him.

The point is, had I known prior to my ceremony on Saturday, I wouldn’t have married her. It sounds extreme, but the thought of them together is just a nightmare in my mind.

Now, here I am, married for three days and with a broken heart. I don’t know what to do - my trust for her is shattered, and I am absolutely miserable.

I feel like I was, in essence, tricked into marriage (by her withholding information that would have caused me not to marry her) and I want to know if annulment would apply to this situation.

I know that this sounds extreme, but this is the one thing I couldn’t forgive, and she knew that, yet she did it anyway.

I’m not a stupid person, and I’m sorry if this sounds retarded, I’m just basically crushed into dust and feel that I need to get away from this woman or I’ll hurt myself.

Any advice appreciated -

j

😦 😦 😦
Click to expand...
My fallen human response is one of anger that she did this to you and how dare she flipping communicate with this guy that she fornicated with. Makes me sick and angry.

However…the Cross of Christ. (+).
Go to your local Church and meditate on the sufferings of Christ. Remember every intra-mundane/created/contingent reality will let you down if you place all your trust/hopes in him/her/it (e.g. money/sports etc) and leave you crushed. Only God satisifes. Only a supra-mundane reality (The Triune God) can help you. He will reach to you in your darkness. I am newly married aswell and have a child on the way. I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder/manic depression. I am a sinner and I am a naturally jealous person but jealousy eats us up. Even Though what she did was objectively wrong. Do not allow anything to come between you and Peace.

Practical advice. Speak to a Priest. Visit the Sacraments. Leave your worries and fears at the foot of the Cross .Take the good advice and counsel of a godly person and try to forgive. Even if forgiveness requires space from your spouse for a while.

I am 27 years old aswell. All the best with your work. You sound gifted.
 
Ugh, that is rotten. I don’t have much by way of fantastic advice, but I wanted to say that I feel for you. When I was younger, I used to be a very jealous person. But when I found the woman that I eventually married, we built such a great trust between each other that I haven’t felt jealousy for years and years–since the early days of dating her. So I know how horrible it feels, and it’s obviously exponentially worse given that you just got married.

The only thing to make the jealousy go away is to build up trust again together. She needs to help you do that, and to do that, you’ve got to communicate on this big time. I wouldn’t hide out in your studio if you can help it. You two should go away for a weekend or something and work it out.

Pete
 
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