Newly married and newly miserable

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Forest-Pine:
INonetheless, Robojustin has made it clear that he lacks trust in his wife, that he has made a hostile climate in which she cannot come to him freely, that he holds grudges for things she didn’t even do against him (like dating before even meeting him), and that she would have gotten the big blow up scene just the same if she came to him before the wedding, while also not having any sense of closure in the matter.

I say it is clear that she loves him, that she wants to make him happy, that she got rid of all impediments before their marriage so that she could give herself freely to him… and that they both have a lack of trust in the other, an inability to communicate truthfully and fruitfully, and a lack of love right now.
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Without making accusatios against the OP, I think you’re right. Most people who have problems in marriage make the problems themselves.

As Catholics, we ought to encourage him to love his wife and pray that both he and she come to trust each other.
 
vern humphrey:
When we marry, we take a vow to love. That vow has no escape clauses in it – it’s until death do us part.
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What if the other person was lying?
 
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bengeorge:
What if the other person was lying?
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Then the marriage is quite possibly null. However it is presumed valid until the Church concludes otherwise.
 
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Forest-Pine:
Catholicism assumes all marriages are valid unless proven otherwise.
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And – as we have discussed on another similar thread – a partner who separates must have permission of the local Ordinary unless in immediate danger. (And I note the OP did not say his wife is beating or threatening him.)
 
Vern, I believe that there’s no need to have a written permission to separate. I think that would be in Ask an Apologist in this forum (just read that one this week).
 
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Loboto-Me:
Vern, I believe that there’s no need to have a written permission to separate. I think that would be in Ask an Apologist in this forum (just read that one this week).
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Written permission is not required, but absent danger you must have the local Ordinary’s permission.
 
I mistakenly wrote “written permission” (too many notes to sign for school kids I believe).

Anyway, I may be mistaking “dispensation” with “permission” but here is the link to “Ask An Apologist” that deals with this subject.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=74493

Needless to say, I really think it would be a cop out for the OP to even think of separating without giving his marriage the chance that it deserves and trying to obey his vow to God and to his spouse.
 
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Loboto-Me:
I mistakenly wrote “written permission” (too many notes to sign for school kids I believe).

Anyway, I may be mistaking “dispensation” with “permission” but here is the link to “Ask An Apologist” that deals with this subject.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=74493

Needless to say, I really think it would be a cop out for the OP to even think of separating without giving his marriage the chance that it deserves and trying to obey his vow to God and to his spouse.
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Canon law 1151 applies.
Can. 1151 Spouses have the obligation and the right to maintain their common conjugal life, unless a lawful reason excuses them.
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Now if you click on all the hyperlinks, the interpretation is that except for adultry and physical danger, a priest must be consulted, and even in those cases, the separation must be ratified by the Church within six months.
 
I have only enough time for a quick post here…

Try to stick it out, and talk it over with her, just so you can get as much of both sides of the story as possible.

I feel a bit of your pain. I’ve been in a situation before where someone I trusted completely directly lied to me. :mad:

In answer to you’re question. Yes, I do believe that with-holding of information is grounds for an annulment. Still, think hard before you take any steps. Don’t immediately get an annulment…or you may regret doing it. TRY to be one more person who can keep their marriage together; though I understand that in your situation that will be very tough, especially since you two are newly-weds and still getting used to each other.

Hope that helps!
 
Dude, you’re lucky you found out now and she didn’t call this guy after a few years of marriage. My advice is this - if you really love her, then forgiveness is not an option, it is a must. If there are limits to your forgiveness then there is no unconditional love…so why you get married? She must be pretty or rich. I say we are not the only fish in the sea and it is natural for people to look back at what could have been. Head up, stick on the ice.
 
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Zachary:
if you really love her, then forgiveness is not an option, it is a must.
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Whoa! What’s this “if you really love her?” He took a vow to love her!
 
vern humphrey:
Whoa! What’s this “if you really love her?” He took a vow to love her!
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I agree, Vern. There are planty of times in marriage when a person won’t feel love for a spouse. You still have an obligation to act with kindness and charity, even if you can’t stand her that day, week, month. It isn’t about how you feel. If you want to feel love for her, then you better get your marriage back on the straight and narrow.
 
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Forest-Pine:
I agree, Vern. There are planty of times in marriage when a person won’t feel love for a spouse. You still have an obligation to act with kindness and charity, even if you can’t stand her that day, week, month. It isn’t about how you feel. If you want to feel love for her, then you better get your marriage back on the straight and narrow.
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It’s not a matter of him wanting to feel love for her, he’s obligated to love her. He has taken a vow and now must live up to it.
 
vern humphrey:
It’s not a matter of him wanting to feel love for her, he’s obligated to love her. He has taken a vow and now must live up to it.
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I agree, as I said here:
You still have an obligation to act with kindness and charity, even if you can’t stand her that day, week, month. It isn’t about how you feel.
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And below I’ve added my stress, as it wasn’t on wanting, but on the feeling, which is nice, but not mandatory.
If you want to feel love for her, then you better get your marriage back on the straight and narrow.
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mlchance:
Two rules for a successful marriage:
Forgiveness is mandatory.
Divorce is not an option.
– Mark L. Chance.
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Absolutely true!! And whoever came up with the notion of “newly-wed bliss” should have been slowly suffocated with a wedding cake.

I had a somewhat similar experience in that one night just weeks before my wedding while out w/ one of my bridesmaids, we ran into and had a couple drinks with an old boyfriend of mine with whom my husband had some issues. My mistake: I deliberately didn’t mention it to him thinking it was of no importance, was nothing I planned or set up and that nothing but an argument would come of it. Well, when he found out from someone else…it made it look to him like I was “covering something up.” It was a big conflict a week before the wedding–fueled in no small part by pre-wedding jitters. We were able to work it out and jealousy has long since ceased to be an issue as we both learned to make the effort to be open and accountable out of respect and consideration.

That said, the first year of marriage can be terribly challenging, eye opening and down-right discouraging as you learn the intimate details of your spouse’s flaws. Sometimes the most humbling, eye-opening exchange between spouses is not an anger-driven knock-down, drag out screaming match, but a calm, sincere observation like “you really let me down,” “I’m so disappointed,” “You hurt me,” or “I expected better from you.”

Assuming the best about your wife, she undoubtedly knows she hurt you and, believe it or not, is probably suffering more than you are because she knows she caused the problem. The greatest gift you could give her and your marriage is your sincere forgiveness. It is a gift you WILL need in return someday and will have to give again. If she is sorry and resolves to eliminate this kind of behaviour, leave this mistake in the past. (and keep in mind the good thing about conflict is resolving it, learning a lesson and making up ;)! ) If it is a symptom of other issues in your relationship or her maturity, get a 3d party involved to work through it to a solution.
 
Good insight, Island Oak.
I’d have probably done the same thing- not mention it b/c it isn’t that big of a deal.

Perhaps she isn’t showing remorse because she DID get the closure she was looking for from the call. Maybe she feels bad for hurting you and keeping it from you, but knows it was the best thing for her and for you two as a couple in the long run.

Maybe next time you talk, see if you can get a better handle on her motives. It seems you could forgive her much more easily for the call than for hiding it from you- perhaps make that step and show her, then wait for her move.
 
RoboJustin hasn’t been on in a couple days. I hope it is because he and his wife are working on this! Robojustin, when you come back, we’d love to hear an update.
 
Dearest Artist,

Hopefully by now you two have kissed and made up. This is going to hurt but if you could forgive her and love her, I think it would make her realize the permanent damage she has caused in your marriage. I would remind her that true love is a decision not a feeling. I would offer your suffering up for all the married woman in the world who are being betrayed by their unfaithful husbands from their internet addiction porno sites. This is more painfull and a greater sin then a one night affair.
 
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