Newly married and newly miserable

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You know it seems to me she made a mistake it doesn’t mean you made a mistake in marrying her. You are both going to screw up in your marriage. What she did was wrong, and I understand the betrayal you feel. I have gone through things recently with my husband that damaged my trust for him. It hurts and we have been married 13 years. I have forgiven him but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten. He is trying hard to fix what he damaged. Slowly but surely I am regaining my trust but it is not easy. Some days are good and some days are not. I told my husband that his actions speak louder than words and he would have to prove himself again to me. I know its hard but time will heal. If she really loves she will do what it takes to regain your trust. Give her a chance to prove herself.
 
Island Oak:
**That said, the first year of marriage can be terribly challenging, eye opening and down-right discouraging as you learn the intimate details of your spouse’s flaws. Sometimes the most humbling, eye-opening exchange between spouses is not an anger-driven knock-down, drag out screaming match, but a calm, sincere observation like “you really let me down,” “I’m so disappointed,” “You hurt me,” or “I expected better from you.” **

Assuming the best about your wife, she undoubtedly knows she hurt you and, believe it or not, is probably suffering more than you are because she knows she caused the problem. The greatest gift you could give her and your marriage is your sincere forgiveness. It is a gift you WILL need in return someday and will have to give again. If she is sorry and resolves to eliminate this kind of behaviour, leave this mistake in the past. (and keep in mind the good thing about conflict is resolving it, learning a lesson and making up ;)! ) If it is a symptom of other issues in your relationship or her maturity, get a 3d party involved to work through it to a solution.
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Truer words were never spoken. (Or…typed, I guess!)
 
Island Oak:
Absolutely true!! And whoever came up with the notion of “newly-wed bliss” should have been slowly suffocated with a wedding cake.
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:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

That is so funny! I totally agree…

Malia
 
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stbernard:
Dearest Artist,

Hopefully by now you two have kissed and made up. This is going to hurt but if you could forgive her and love her, I think it would make her realize the permanent damage she has caused in your marriage. I would remind her that true love is a decision not a feeling. I would offer your suffering up for all the married woman in the world who are being betrayed by their unfaithful husbands from their internet addiction porno sites. This is more painfull and a greater sin then a one night affair.
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I am a little bit uncomfortable with your comparison, in my eyes, that a one night stand is a lesser sin than porn. I don’t have chapter and verse, but we are told in the bible that lusting after a woman is committing adultery in our heart. I am not trying to put internet porn below a one night stand, I am trying to say, as sins, they are both adultery, according to scriptures. Now, I can kind of see possibly the point you are trying to make, that an ongoing addiction to porn can be more damaging to the marraige, because of how it changes the man’s behavior, and personality, and how he interacts with women in general, and his wife in particular. But, I would ask women out there, wouldn’t you feel very betrayed either way, but possibly more betrayed by your husband being physically adulterous, versus being adulterous in his viewing of porn?

Don’t for the least think that I am supporting porn in any way. Porn is a betrayal of the marital union. I only know from personal experience, when my fiance cheated physically with another man, I was so much more devastated than I think I could have ever felt if I had found out that she had, say, headed to a strip joint with some friends, or became addicted to viewing porn (there must be at a least a few women out there that fight that addiction)

May our Lord’s peace be with you.
abalch
 
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ABalch:
I am a little bit uncomfortable with your comparison, in my eyes, that a one night stand is a lesser sin than porn.
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Just to make sure we are on the same page, the OP did not say that his wife had an affair, before or after their vows. He said that she wanted some finality to a previous relationship, so she called the guy up on the telephone and closed that chapter of her life before opening a new one on her wedding day.
 
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ABalch:
But, I would ask women out there, wouldn’t you feel very betrayed either way, but possibly more betrayed by your husband being physically adulterous, versus being adulterous in his viewing of porn?

abalch
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Yes, I would feel betrayed either way. They are both adultery in my view, but I can say I would be more hurt by a physical affair or one night stand.

Porn is awful and disgusting, don’t get me wrong. And I am sure there are women out there right now dealing with a husband addicted to porn that might wish it had only been a one night stand.

I am fortunate to have a husband that has not had a problem with either. Praise God!

Malia
 
I think she wanted some closure before she got married . She probably thought she had some feelings left over for this guy and wanted to make sure before she married you. Better to find out before.
I know women who have done this and went on to have good marriages.It’s too bad you found out. Anyway the bottom line is
She married you. She chose you. She did not run off with the other guy. Try to forgive her soon. She didn’t really do anything wrong.
 
I hope that the OP can get a handle on the jealousy too. That issue is also centered around his feelings of self-worth in addition to her past relationship. Once that is dealt with, his wife will be able to put her past behind her and move forward together with him.
 
I don’t know what the OP’s wife’s motives were, but I would say that, very likely, she did nothing wrong.

She wasn’t his wife when she called the man. She did this BEFORE they were married. Now, if she was calling the ex because she was still in love with him and hoping she’d be able to get back together, but was told “no” and so she figured she might as well marry the OP, then she did something wrong. But, the something wrong still wasn’t calling the ex, it would have been marrying the OP.

If she was having pre-wedding jitters and just needed to put some of her demons from the past to flight, then she didn’t do anything wrong at all, except maybe allowing a situation that could blow up and make trouble later.

Also, the fact that she wasn’t able to tell her fiance that she’d called the ex is troubling… it says that something may have been off with their committment and communication. However, when everyone is jittery and freaking out, I can see how she’s want to avoid a fight.

She had every right to call whomever she wanted, up until they were married. In fact, she could have gotten back together with her ex and called off the wedding. That’s why we have weddings - because after that point we’re no longer autonomous people who can do what we think is best without consulting anyone else.
 
Katy:

I disagree with your observations. I think that being engaged, especially within days of the wedding, sharply diminishes one member of the couple’s rights to contact a former lover without the knowledge of one’s fiance’ because the fiance’ has a huge stake in that person’s actions. You see the result of that approach in the OP’s heartbroken response to his wife’s pre-wedding actions.
 
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katybird:
She had every right to call whomever she wanted, up until they were married. In fact, she could have gotten back together with her ex and called off the wedding. That’s why we have weddings - because after that point we’re no longer autonomous people who can do what we think is best without consulting anyone else.
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This conflict did not arise out of a violation of rights, but out of a lack of consideration and honest communication. Whenever you are in an intimate or exclusive relationship with someone, you owe them the decency to be honest with them and to avoid situations which will could reasonably be anticipated to cause them discomfort. Once the relationship is formally recognized through engagement or marriage it becomes downright scandalous to engage in behaiour that dishonors the partner.

The OP’s fiancee was neither prudent not honest. He is understandably hurt, disappointed and concerned. How his now wife proceeds from here will be a test of her character and their relationship.
 
The OP’s fiancee was neither prudent not honest. He is understandably hurt, disappointed and concerned. How his now wife proceeds from here will be a test of her character and their relationship.
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I’m amazed at how quick we are to judge other people – especially people we’ve never met, nor heard from, based on a paragraph or two posted on the internet.

All marriages are tested – tested again and again. And since we are in communication with only one partner in this case, it does no good to place all the responsibility on the other partner.

We should remind the OP that he took a vow to love his wife, and love her, he should. If he feels hurt, he should pray to overcome his feelings and love his wife more deeply in the future.
 
As a newly-wed, I’d have to say, if you’re so willing to give up after something like this…what are you going to do when you have financial problems? What are you going to do when you can’t decide on what’s best for your children? etc.

I can’t say that what she did was wrong because we only know your half of the story. Personally, if she was going to see him to disconnect from her past so that she can start a new life with you, why would you be so upset about it? If anything, the way I see it, she did you a favour by ending whatever she was feeling before the wedding rather than doing it after a few years of marriage. Should she have said something to you? Probably. Should you have reacted in a way more kinder than you are? Probably. But get over it man, SHE IS YOUR WIFE NOW.

I’d have to say you’re preaching to the choir about how terrible marriage can be in the first year…stop thinking your the only one whose gone through it, be a man and deal with this and move on.
 
Forgiveness is mandatory.

That is true. And if one person refuses to forgive the other, or can’t forgive, then what?
 
I have been mulling this over for a few days.

I am also an art major from a family of artists/ musicians. I am an optimistic person who desieres harmony and closure when it comes to my relationships with family and friends.

Not all personalities are alike. It may very well be that she needed to settle this matter for closure so that she could enter marriage without any baggage. It might have been a way of saying goodbye to that part of her life so that she wouldn’t need to wonder what went wrong. I am a happily married woman, have been with my husband half my life and before him I had unsettled business with a guy I was dating. I wasn’t interested in persuing a relationship with this young man, but there was alot left unsaid or unexplained and I thought that I would have forgotten it by now but I am the kind of personality that needs closure or I always regret the way I left things. This is also true with friends and family.

I have been with my husband since I was fifteen! We have been married for ten and this guy still pops into my head. He is also married with children, and I certainly have no attraction or desire to be with this man. I just left alot unsaid and I wish that I had talked out some kind of closure with him 18 years ago instead of feeling like I didn’t explain things to him, etc. I ignored it and let it go and didn’t realize it would haunt me.

Maybe your wife is similar to this, I don’t know the whole story, but it is possible that she has no interest in this man but needed to say some things and have some closure before she could move on. If she is anything like me she can’t stand to live a life with regrets… but she probably regrets hurting you. There will be alot of things to forgive in your marriage and alot of things you will need forgiveness for. Listen to her explanation and be patient, and if you seriously want to give up, then you should. You can’t base a marriage on a commitment that either of you are so willing to give up on.
 
Love is a choice. There will be many moments when you can delight in your bride, but you won’t always be happy with their choices or changes, you won’t feel warm and fuzzy all the time. Marriage is work and love is a choice.

Love is patient, kind and giving, Not jealous and envious and possessive, it isn’t boastful, or possessive.

Put your trust in God, as long as you put all your trust in human beings you will be disappointed. Choose to love your spouse because you are committed in the Sacrament of marriage. Love her becase she is God’s creation. Let go of your anger, pride and pain. If either of you is willing to give up so easily then you married for the wrong reasons. If she wants to be forgiven, you are obligated to forgive.
 
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Philena:
Forgiveness is mandatory.

That is true. And if one person refuses to forgive the other, or can’t forgive, then what?
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Then that person has sinned. But the other partner is still bound by the vows of marriage.
 
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Peace-bwu:
We have been married for ten and this guy still pops into my head. He is also married with children, and I certainly have no attraction or desire to be with this man. I just left alot unsaid and I wish that I had talked out some kind of closure with him 18 years ago instead of feeling like I didn’t explain things to him, etc. I ignored it and let it go and didn’t realize it would haunt me.
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Thank you so much for this! I have been dealing with some similar feelings and wasn’t sure what to make of them. Your explaination really helped me sort things out. Thank you!

Malia
 
Interesting. Not just on this thread. Some folks are so quick to declare what is someoneelse’s sin.
 
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