Newly-wed desperately seeks advice

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SophiaCra

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I have been married just 2 months and already my marriage is in severe crisis. I am too ashamed to speak to my family & friends about it as my marriage is in such a mess I am certain they would all tell me to seek an annulment of the marriage from the church and walk away now.

I hardly know where to start, firstly just a little bit about us. I am a 25yr old catholic woman living in the UK, I have been fortunate to always have embraced my faith and try to live my life as the church teaches. I met my husband one year ago at a catholic youth event. He was born into the faith too and practised until he reached his teens then he ‘just stopped going to mass’, he attended only at Christmas from then until he met me. When we met he was happy to have found someone to share his faith with and he flung himself back into the faith and was confirmed in October 2012. I am a nursery assistant and my husband is a HGV driver.
So I met the man of my dreams and was delighted when he proposed after 3 months of dating. Both of our familes have been very supportive and accepting of us. We married 2 months ago, we had been together 10 months on our wedding day.

During our courtship, we remained chaste as I explained to my husband that I was waiting until marriage for any physical relationship. He said he respected my views and confessed he had 2 sexual relationships in the past, both long-term live-in relationships. He told me he had been single for 2 years when we met.

Now here comes the trouble; just one month before our wedding an older woman (40s) turned up at my workplace, heavily pregnant and told me she was having my fiancées child. She claimed he had known for 3 months and was denying the child was his and refused to speak to her. I was shocked but mindful of her condition and simply said “thank you for telling me, I am sorry for how you have been treated”. When I told my fiancée he got very angry and shouted at me for even doubting he had been faithful to me. He said the woman was a neighbour of his mothers and a troubled woman who has many children to different fathers and was just jealous of our happiness. I spoke to his mother and she confirmed the woman was ‘very odd and not right in the head ect’. After a week of rowing and debating and defending, my fiancée showed me a long message he sent the pregnant woman denying that he was her unborn childs father and saying it was impossible as he cannot father children due to a medical trauma as a teen. He told her he would insist on a paternity test to prove to everyone that this was not his child. She never replied to the message and we didn’t hear from her again. I was convinced that the pregnant neighbour was indeed just troubled/mistaken and we proceeded with our wedding.

The wedding was perfect and our honeymoon in Wales was wonderful. I have never imagined I could be so content.

Then we arrived home and to cut a very long story short I discovered the following in a matter of a few days;
  • my husband is addicted to sex and now admits to over 70 partners
  • he cheated with at least 8 women in the 10 months we were dating, 3 of them were sustained affairs lasting upto 2 months each the rest were one-night-stands
  • the pregnant neighbour is indeed likely to be carrying his child due next month
  • he has been in constant phone and email contact with the pregnant woman receiving updates on the babys progress and even attended one pre-natal scan with her
  • he convinced the pregnant woman to ‘keep quiet’ until after our wedding telling her I have substantial savings and wouldn’t mind sharing the money with her and the baby
  • he uses facebook to have video-chats with random women where both he and they undress and abuse themselves to sexually gratify eachother
There are many more lies and ‘omissions’. I feel like everyday brings yet another disgusting revelation and I married a man I know nothing about! I am devastated as I have looked forward to the vocation of married life so much and I really believed I had found my catholic prince charming.

I have no idea how to fix any of this, I have considered with-holding physical contact with my husband as a punishment. I feel he only wants my body and money.

I am so distressed by the thought of how its all going to get worse when the child is born that last night I found myself in the bathroom with a razor. A thought I would have found abhorrent before I got married! Its all such a horrible mess I just want to go to sleep forever.
 
SophiaCra said:
(snip)
There are many more lies and ‘omissions’.

I have no idea how to fix any of this, I have considered with-holding physical contact with my husband as a punishment. I feel he only wants my body and money.

I am so distressed by the thought of how its all going to get worse when the child is born that last night I found myself in the bathroom with a razor. A thought I would have found abhorrent before I got married! Its all such a horrible mess I just want to go to sleep forever.
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Please seek help from your pastor IMMEDIATELY. Call the parish office and ask for the next available appointment time, making sure to mention that this matter is very serious and urgent and that waiting to speak to him could be dangerous for your life and health.

I fear that you are right. Your husband lied and deceived you. If I were you, I would immediately cease physical relations, separate and initiate divorce proceedings. Then I would seek an annulment. You definitely have grounds for an annulment.
I would also seek counseling ASAP, to address the suicidal thoughts and feelings of betrayal and anger that you will have to work through.

I am praying for you right now. I am so sorry. God be with you. 😦
 
SophiaCra said:
I have been married just 2 months and already my marriage is in severe crisis. I am too ashamed to speak to my family & friends about it as my marriage is in such a mess I am certain they would all tell me to seek an annulment of the marriage from the church and walk away now.

I hardly know where to start, firstly just a little bit about us. I am a 25yr old catholic woman living in the UK, I have been fortunate to always have embraced my faith and try to live my life as the church teaches. I met my husband one year ago at a catholic youth event. He was born into the faith too and practised until he reached his teens then he ‘just stopped going to mass’, he attended only at Christmas from then until he met me. When we met he was happy to have found someone to share his faith with and he flung himself back into the faith and was confirmed in October 2012. I am a nursery assistant and my husband is a HGV driver.
So I met the man of my dreams and was delighted when he proposed after 3 months of dating. Both of our familes have been very supportive and accepting of us. We married 2 months ago, we had been together 10 months on our wedding day.

During our courtship, we remained chaste as I explained to my husband that I was waiting until marriage for any physical relationship. He said he respected my views and confessed he had 2 sexual relationships in the past, both long-term live-in relationships. He told me he had been single for 2 years when we met.

Now here comes the trouble; just one month before our wedding an older woman (40s) turned up at my workplace, heavily pregnant and told me she was having my fiancées child. She claimed he had known for 3 months and was denying the child was his and refused to speak to her. I was shocked but mindful of her condition and simply said “thank you for telling me, I am sorry for how you have been treated”. When I told my fiancée he got very angry and shouted at me for even doubting he had been faithful to me. He said the woman was a neighbour of his mothers and a troubled woman who has many children to different fathers and was just jealous of our happiness. I spoke to his mother and she confirmed the woman was ‘very odd and not right in the head ect’. After a week of rowing and debating and defending, my fiancée showed me a long message he sent the pregnant woman denying that he was her unborn childs father and saying it was impossible as he cannot father children due to a medical trauma as a teen. He told her he would insist on a paternity test to prove to everyone that this was not his child. She never replied to the message and we didn’t hear from her again. I was convinced that the pregnant neighbour was indeed just troubled/mistaken and we proceeded with our wedding.

The wedding was perfect and our honeymoon in Wales was wonderful. I have never imagined I could be so content.

Then we arrived home and to cut a very long story short I discovered the following in a matter of a few days;
  • my husband is addicted to sex and now admits to over 70 partners
  • he cheated with at least 8 women in the 10 months we were dating, 3 of them were sustained affairs lasting upto 2 months each the rest were one-night-stands
  • the pregnant neighbour is indeed likely to be carrying his child due next month
  • he has been in constant phone and email contact with the pregnant woman receiving updates on the babys progress and even attended one pre-natal scan with her
  • he convinced the pregnant woman to ‘keep quiet’ until after our wedding telling her I have substantial savings and wouldn’t mind sharing the money with her and the baby
  • he uses facebook to have video-chats with random women where both he and they undress and abuse themselves to sexually gratify eachother
There are many more lies and ‘omissions’. I feel like everyday brings yet another disgusting revelation and I married a man I know nothing about! I am devastated as I have looked forward to the vocation of married life so much and I really believed I had found my catholic prince charming.

I have no idea how to fix any of this, I have considered with-holding physical contact with my husband as a punishment. I feel he only wants my body and money.

I am so distressed by the thought of how its all going to get worse when the child is born that last night I found myself in the bathroom with a razor. A thought I would have found abhorrent before I got married! Its all such a horrible mess I just want to go to sleep forever.
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Please call your local priest and set up a meeting ASAP. You need spiritual guidance to lead you through this great challenge. If you cannot see the priest early enough, call the local diocese office and ask again to speak to a priest who is expert in matters of marriage, there are likely to be on staff. In the meantime you are in my prayers and remain in as prayerful state as you can, and do not remain alone with your thoughts. God is with you.
 
This is a terrible situation. I will pray for you.

I don’t really know what to say, but what I say here is VERY tentative. I apologize if any of it is bad advice, or if it seems unhelpful.

You say you have ‘found out’ these things, and that your husband ‘admitted’ it. Was this an admission he made because he wants help to change, or only after you found something out and confronted him with it?

If he genuinely wants to change, then you have a choice. You can, in justice, walk away from this. There are at least two grounds on which you could seek an annulment - ‘error of quality’ occurs when you marry someone believing something about them (i.e. that he had not been in a relationship for 2 years, had no children, was not a sex addict) which later turns out to be false, which would have been a game-changer if you had known prior to the marriage. ‘Psychological factors’ also come into play when someone proves by their actions during your engagement that they may have been unable to fulfill their vows, i.e. by not even being faithful while engaged. I was told, for much less serious reasons, that the Church generally looks favorably on couples who file for annulment within the first few months of a marriage, because She recognizes in charity that sometimes people cannot really get to know about such things until they are married.

As I said, however, you have a choice. In mercy, you can also choose to go beyond justice. Although you probably could walk away, that doesn’t mean you must. IF - and this is an important if - IF your husband genuinely seems to want to change, IF he is willing to seek help and counselling for his addiction, IF he is willing to cut out the online chats, and to remove this other woman from his life except for the purpose of providing for his child, if it does turn out to be his. If he shows by his actions that he wants to change (and not only because he’s scared of losing you), and IF you feel called to it, then you can stay, but that has to come from mercy, from love, and not from guilt or obligation. One of the graces of marriage is the healing of sexuality, and it MAY BE that your husband is finally feeling that grace, and his love for you will lead him clear of this addiction and into what Catholic marriage should be - MAYBE. Even if it does, it will be a long, hard journey, and as with any addiction, barring a miracle, that healing will never really be complete this side of the grave, it will always be a struggle. Only you know whether he really does have that intention. Nobody can receive grace if they don’t open themselves to it, if they harden their heart.

You say that ‘every day’ brings new revelations - are these because you are looking into areas your husband tries to keep from you, or are they because he is opening up? If he wants to open up to you, then that could be painful, maybe you can take it all at once, a long conversation where he lays it all open, exposes the wound, and asks your forgiveness, or maybe he will only open up bit-by-bit. On the other hand, if he’s not opening up at all, if this is just you finding out by doing detective work, then that’s a pretty clear sign that he has no intention to change. Nobody can forgive when forgiveness isn’t asked. Nobody can be asked to love someone who will go on treating them like a doormat. You can’t forgive someone in advance while they go on sinning against you. Don’t try to do that, it will destroy you.

If you feel close to suicide, then you need to get out! Nobody is asked to give more than they can, and nobody is asked to give up their sanity or their soul. If the thought of this marriage makes you feel that death is your only option, then get out! There is a way out, and the Church is a loving mother, She never lays such a burden on Her children. Fly to the love and mercy of the Church, and of friends, family, anyone who will take you in, and get out of there!

If your husband is still sexually active with other women, then witholding sexual contact is perfectly reasonable, not as ‘punishment’ as you say, but for your own protection from STI’s. On the one hand, he does have a sex addiction, and he will need to learn how to be faithful if he wants to stay with you. On the other hand, that doesn’t mean you should become a sex object for him, or continue to be available when he misuses your trust.

I have never been in anything like your situation, and have no qualifications to give marriage advice. Please don’t take any of this to heart if it seems wrong, or makes you feel uncomfortable. The best I can say is ‘I’ll pray for you’.
 
SophiaCra said:
I have been married just 2 months and already my marriage is in severe crisis. I am too ashamed to speak to my family & friends about it as my marriage is in such a mess **I am certain they would all tell me to seek an annulment of the marriage from the church and walk away now. **
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Your family and friends would be dead right. This is a situation to run away from. Immediately.

And know that you carry no shame. This man lied to you and others repeatedly. He used you, he used other people and he’s very likely more than just a sex addict. There’s many more layers there.

I assure you that the road to recovery from sex addiction is not an easy one and you’re hardly in an ideal situation to help him. I myself suffer from sexual addiction, though my drug of choice is pornography and I’ve never actually touched another person aside from my wife.

Thing about it is that I told my wife that I had pornography issues while we were dating. I thought it was in the past but I also thought it fair to tell her since I didn’t know if it would be an issue later. It became an issue a few years into the marriage and it was horrendous.

I’ve been in recovery for a year and while not perfect, I am sober and I’m doing all I can to right the terrible wrongs I’ve committed.

I’m not saying that this man is irredeemable. Everyone can be redeemed because God deems us all worthy of His redemption. But I can’t for the life of me see a way where you can continue with him. Run and don’t walk away. Pray for him, forgive him at some point. Do that for yourself and because it is what Christ taught us to do. But you cannot stay.
 
This is an important point: You DO NOT have a valid marriage. The amount of deception this man practiced upon you completely undermines the possibility of a valid exchange of vows. There is no question that you should immediately stop all physical relations, leave or make sure he leaves the house. IF (big IF) as a previous poster postulated he might want to begin to improve, then AFTER he has made big changes you can START a real relationship.
 
Hello DL82
In answer to your question as to how I ‘found out’ about the cheating, lies and sex addiction, he has never confessed any of it to me willingly. I found out by first stumbling on explicit texts messages, then I did (knowing it was wrong to do so) hack into his facebook and email accounts and read the full extent of the addiction.
Girls and women have contacted me directly to ‘let me know what kind of man I married’ and even then my husband denies everything until I present him with proof such as texts, videos, messages ect, or the upset woman confronting him in my presence so he cant call her a liar. So almost everyday there is another shameful revelation.
My husband has not apologised or asked for forgiveness yet.
I rather naively thought that when I posted on here, lots of knowledgeable fellow Catholics would respond with advice such as 'Ban him from using the internet and with-hold intimacy until he shows remorse, then you can work things out in time ’ I love this man with all my heart and soul, I am terrified I will lose him to someone else. I desperately want to fix my marriage.
 
I’d separate immediately and have yourself tested for STDs. No telling what he’s exposed you to. I’d also seek legal counsel as soon as possible to protect yourself legally. I have no idea how the process works in the UK, but time is of the essence when dealing with legal matters. This is not a person with whom you can have an honest marriage relationship. Seek spiritual counsel also. This will affect any future relationships you enter.
 
I am not sure you have a valid marriage on your hands - that’s for your local tribunal to decide, as well as the appellate tribunal - but you need to get some space between you two. And get tested for venereal diseases - for the sake of your own health. I don’t know if the NHS provides it free, but where I live in America it’s either free or so cheap I’ve seen bus passes that were cheaper.
 
SophiaCra said:
I have been married just 2 months and already my marriage is in severe crisis. I am too ashamed to speak to my family & friends about it as my marriage is in such a mess I am certain they would all tell me to seek an annulment of the marriage from the church and walk away now.

I hardly know where to start, firstly just a little bit about us. I am a 25yr old catholic woman living in the UK, I have been fortunate to always have embraced my faith and try to live my life as the church teaches. I met my husband one year ago at a catholic youth event. He was born into the faith too and practised until he reached his teens then he ‘just stopped going to mass’, he attended only at Christmas from then until he met me. When we met he was happy to have found someone to share his faith with and he flung himself back into the faith and was confirmed in October 2012. I am a nursery assistant and my husband is a HGV driver.
So I met the man of my dreams and was delighted when he proposed after 3 months of dating. Both of our familes have been very supportive and accepting of us. We married 2 months ago, we had been together 10 months on our wedding day.

During our courtship, we remained chaste as I explained to my husband that I was waiting until marriage for any physical relationship. He said he respected my views and confessed he had 2 sexual relationships in the past, both long-term live-in relationships. He told me he had been single for 2 years when we met.

Now here comes the trouble; just one month before our wedding an older woman (40s) turned up at my workplace, heavily pregnant and told me she was having my fiancées child. She claimed he had known for 3 months and was denying the child was his and refused to speak to her. I was shocked but mindful of her condition and simply said “thank you for telling me, I am sorry for how you have been treated”. When I told my fiancée he got very angry and shouted at me for even doubting he had been faithful to me. He said the woman was a neighbour of his mothers and a troubled woman who has many children to different fathers and was just jealous of our happiness. I spoke to his mother and she confirmed the woman was ‘very odd and not right in the head ect’. After a week of rowing and debating and defending, my fiancée showed me a long message he sent the pregnant woman denying that he was her unborn childs father and saying it was impossible as he cannot father children due to a medical trauma as a teen. He told her he would insist on a paternity test to prove to everyone that this was not his child. She never replied to the message and we didn’t hear from her again. I was convinced that the pregnant neighbour was indeed just troubled/mistaken and we proceeded with our wedding.

The wedding was perfect and our honeymoon in Wales was wonderful. I have never imagined I could be so content.

Then we arrived home and to cut a very long story short I discovered the following in a matter of a few days;
  • my husband is addicted to sex and now admits to over 70 partners
  • he cheated with at least 8 women in the 10 months we were dating, 3 of them were sustained affairs lasting upto 2 months each the rest were one-night-stands
  • the pregnant neighbour is indeed likely to be carrying his child due next month
  • he has been in constant phone and email contact with the pregnant woman receiving updates on the babys progress and even attended one pre-natal scan with her
  • he convinced the pregnant woman to ‘keep quiet’ until after our wedding telling her I have substantial savings and wouldn’t mind sharing the money with her and the baby
  • he uses facebook to have video-chats with random women where both he and they undress and abuse themselves to sexually gratify eachother
There are many more lies and ‘omissions’. I feel like everyday brings yet another disgusting revelation and I married a man I know nothing about! I am devastated as I have looked forward to the vocation of married life so much and I really believed I had found my catholic prince charming.

I have no idea how to fix any of this, I have considered with-holding physical contact with my husband as a punishment. I feel he only wants my body and money.

I am so distressed by the thought of how its all going to get worse when the child is born that last night I found myself in the bathroom with a razor. A thought I would have found abhorrent before I got married! Its all such a horrible mess I just want to go to sleep forever.
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Leave, walk away. Get an anulement both legal and through the church. This man is a fraud and you married him under false pretenses. DO NOT RUIN YOUR LIFE STAYING WITH THIS MAN it is only going to get worse if you stay. Leave and sever all contact with him. Go home to your parents until this is over.
 
SophiaCra said:
My husband has not apologised or asked for forgiveness yet.
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That is an insane reaction and a terrible red flag. It’s more than a red flag. It’s a total disconnect from reality.
I rather naively thought that when I posted on here, lots of knowledgeable fellow Catholics would respond with advice such as 'Ban him from using the internet and with-hold intimacy until he shows remorse, then you can work things out in time ’ I love this man with all my heart and soul, I am terrified I will lose him to someone else. I desperately want to fix my marriage.
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You never had this man. And neither will anyone else. The only person who has him is himself. And possibly the Enemy. It’s hard enough for me to get out of my “moods” and really connect intimately with someone and I consider myself a “low-level” sex addict (though an addict nonetheless) because my behaviors never escalated. There is no way in hell that this guy is intimately connected to anyone. He is only interested in himself.
 
SophiaCra said:
Hello DL82
In answer to your question as to how I ‘found out’ about the cheating, lies and sex addiction, he has never confessed any of it to me willingly. I found out by first stumbling on explicit texts messages, then I did (knowing it was wrong to do so) hack into his facebook and email accounts and read the full extent of the addiction.
Girls and women have contacted me directly to ‘let me know what kind of man I married’ and even then my husband denies everything until I present him with proof such as texts, videos, messages ect, or the upset woman confronting him in my presence so he cant call her a liar. So almost everyday there is another shameful revelation.
My husband has not apologised or asked for forgiveness yet.
I rather naively thought that when I posted on here, lots of knowledgeable fellow Catholics would respond with advice such as 'Ban him from using the internet and with-hold intimacy until he shows remorse, then you can work things out in time ’ I love this man with all my heart and soul, I am terrified I will lose him to someone else. I desperately want to fix my marriage.
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You do not love this man. You love the image he projected while you were dating. The man you were dating does not exist. Why would you want to hold onto a “marriage” based on lies and deception? He certainly does not respect or love you.
 
While I won’go as far as The Bucket, at this point in time, even if you want to save your marriage,
  1. Get away. If he owns the house, time to go flat hunting. At this point staying in the same house, at least for now, is a recipe for disaster.
  2. See your parish priest. If an annulment is necessary, it is necessary. If it’s a case of reconciling, it’s best done after due advice.
 
SophiaCra said:
Girls and women have contacted me directly to ‘let me know what kind of man I married’ and even then my husband denies everything until I present him with proof such as texts, videos, messages ect, or the upset woman confronting him in my presence so he cant call her a liar.
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SophiaCra said:
So almost everyday there is another shameful revelation.
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SophiaCra said:
My husband has not apologised or asked for forgiveness yet.
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And yet you still feel this way?
SophiaCra said:
I love this man with all my heart and soul, I am terrified I will lose him to someone else. I desperately want to fix my marriage.
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Lose him? Do you have him, really? I don’t think you are in a valid marriage. It sounds like when your vows were spoken, he didn’t mean them at all. I don’t know that you have a marriage to fix, not really.

You have been given good advice so far. I think you should consider taking it.
 
Thank you ALL for your brutal honesty. You have each raised very valid points which I NEEDED to hear. Thank you and may God bless you all for your help.
 
SophiaCra said:
I have been married just 2 months and already my marriage is in severe crisis. I am too ashamed to speak to my family & friends about it as my marriage is in such a mess I am certain they would all tell me to seek an annulment of the marriage from the church and walk away now.

I hardly know where to start, firstly just a little bit about us. I am a 25yr old catholic woman living in the UK, I have been fortunate to always have embraced my faith and try to live my life as the church teaches. I met my husband one year ago at a catholic youth event. He was born into the faith too and practised until he reached his teens then he ‘just stopped going to mass’, he attended only at Christmas from then until he met me. When we met he was happy to have found someone to share his faith with and he flung himself back into the faith and was confirmed in October 2012. I am a nursery assistant and my husband is a HGV driver.
So I met the man of my dreams and was delighted when he proposed after 3 months of dating. Both of our familes have been very supportive and accepting of us. We married 2 months ago, we had been together 10 months on our wedding day.

During our courtship, we remained chaste as I explained to my husband that I was waiting until marriage for any physical relationship. He said he respected my views and confessed he had 2 sexual relationships in the past, both long-term live-in relationships. He told me he had been single for 2 years when we met.

Now here comes the trouble; just one month before our wedding an older woman (40s) turned up at my workplace, heavily pregnant and told me she was having my fiancées child. She claimed he had known for 3 months and was denying the child was his and refused to speak to her. I was shocked but mindful of her condition and simply said “thank you for telling me, I am sorry for how you have been treated”. When I told my fiancée he got very angry and shouted at me for even doubting he had been faithful to me. He said the woman was a neighbour of his mothers and a troubled woman who has many children to different fathers and was just jealous of our happiness. I spoke to his mother and she confirmed the woman was ‘very odd and not right in the head ect’. After a week of rowing and debating and defending, my fiancée showed me a long message he sent the pregnant woman denying that he was her unborn childs father and saying it was impossible as he cannot father children due to a medical trauma as a teen. He told her he would insist on a paternity test to prove to everyone that this was not his child. She never replied to the message and we didn’t hear from her again. I was convinced that the pregnant neighbour was indeed just troubled/mistaken and we proceeded with our wedding.

The wedding was perfect and our honeymoon in Wales was wonderful. I have never imagined I could be so content.

Then we arrived home and to cut a very long story short I discovered the following in a matter of a few days;
  • my husband is addicted to sex and now admits to over 70 partners
  • he cheated with at least 8 women in the 10 months we were dating, 3 of them were sustained affairs lasting upto 2 months each the rest were one-night-stands
  • the pregnant neighbour is indeed likely to be carrying his child due next month
  • he has been in constant phone and email contact with the pregnant woman receiving updates on the babys progress and even attended one pre-natal scan with her
  • he convinced the pregnant woman to ‘keep quiet’ until after our wedding telling her I have substantial savings and wouldn’t mind sharing the money with her and the baby
  • he uses facebook to have video-chats with random women where both he and they undress and abuse themselves to sexually gratify eachother
There are many more lies and ‘omissions’. I feel like everyday brings yet another disgusting revelation and I married a man I know nothing about! I am devastated as I have looked forward to the vocation of married life so much and I really believed I had found my catholic prince charming.

I have no idea how to fix any of this, I have considered with-holding physical contact with my husband as a punishment. I feel he only wants my body and money.

I am so distressed by the thought of how its all going to get worse when the child is born that last night I found myself in the bathroom with a razor. A thought I would have found abhorrent before I got married! Its all such a horrible mess I just want to go to sleep forever.
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If what you are saying is true, I would immediately seek an annulment. It is hard to believe you could have been so ignorant of his past activities, you surely suspecrted. No telling what kind of HIV deseases he may pass on to you. LInus2nd
 
I agree with the other posters who are telling you to contact your priest immediately. Your situation requires far more help than any of us can provide over the internet. Contacting a lawyer would probably be a good idea as well.

I would recommend withholding relations, not as a form of punishment, but for your own health. Your husband’s reprehensible behavior puts your health at grave risk of sexually transmitted diseases.
 
SophiaCra said:
Hello DL82
In answer to your question as to how I ‘found out’ about the cheating, lies and sex addiction, he has never confessed any of it to me willingly. I found out by first stumbling on explicit texts messages, then I did (knowing it was wrong to do so) hack into his facebook and email accounts and read the full extent of the addiction.
Girls and women have contacted me directly to ‘let me know what kind of man I married’ and even then my husband denies everything until I present him with proof such as texts, videos, messages ect, or the upset woman confronting him in my presence so he cant call her a liar. So almost everyday there is another shameful revelation.
My husband has not apologised or asked for forgiveness yet.
I rather naively thought that when I posted on here, lots of knowledgeable fellow Catholics would respond with advice such as 'Ban him from using the internet and with-hold intimacy until he shows remorse, then you can work things out in time ’ I love this man with all my heart and soul, I am terrified I will lose him to someone else. I desperately want to fix my marriage.
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You have been manipulated by this man. If he is not only lying, accusing others of lying, and refusing to confess any of this, then you have nothing positive to go with. Even if you were able to ‘make him’ stop using the internet, etc. it would still only be his way of further manipulating you. This is not a life. It is not freedom.

He even makes you think that ‘you’ can ‘fix’ your marriage, or that it is your obligation to do so. You’re not the one who needs to do any fixing here.

Of course, nobody wants to have a failed marriage. When you put on that white dress and walk down the aisle, you can’t imagine that in a few short months it will be a mess like this. This is so sad, and my heart breaks for you, but you need to be honest with yourself.

Go and spend some time before Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament - He is the Truth, and He will reveal it to you. Just go and cry out to Him.

And go to human beings too - go to your family and friends. You need them right now.

It’s not like you have come to a secular place and people are just dismissively saying ‘ah, don’t worry, get a divorce, marry someone else, 2nd, 3rd, 4th time lucky!’ You have come to a forum where most people are Catholics of a more-or-less conservative and traditional kind, the kind of folks who believe that marriage (real, valid, sacramental marriage) is for life, and still the message seems to be the same from everyone.
 
See the priest, the doctor, and the lawyer! While I’m sure you feel uncomfortable, I think you should talk to your mom about it because you are going to need her support to get over this crisis.
 
Linusthe2nd said:
If what you are saying is true, I would immediately seek an annulment. It is hard to believe you could have been so ignorant of his past activities, you surely suspecrted. No telling what kind of HIV deseases he may pass on to you. LInus2nd
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Yes, thank you I already feel like the most stupid woman on the planet. Virtually all of his cheating occurred on evening when he told me he was at football training and then ‘going for a few pints with the lads’. He was actually meeting women he had met on dating sites or in nightclubs. We both lived with our parents before our wedding day and would text me to say goodnight every night without fail, I assumed he was tucked up in bed just as his texts had said.
Of course I NOW realise I was ridiculously trusting to the point of being stupid
 
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