Newly-wed desperately seeks advice

[HandyAndy]

Fire up Sophia!

Grab a plate and head out into the yard and let the back fence have it! #@&#!

Need another?..Go get that stupid old vase you never liked anyway.

You deal with them from here on in…you deal with them from a position of strength!

 

[quiet52]

We have contacted a firm who carry out DNA testing. …I am struggling with the idea of the baby more now. Im dreading how I will feel if it is his child.

I’m glad to hear this has been done.

Don’t remain stuck in the dread, Sophia. You probably already realize that these very strong emotions can make us feel immobilized, trapped, weak, etc…

I was so sure on Sunday that I had made the decision, the correct decision for me ( to stay with my husband and fix our marriage) but now just a few days later Im torn again, I am starting to fret more over the unborn child and I cant shake the feelings of being used by him.

In my opinion it would not be a normal thing to just ignore your feelings – probably a mix of shock, betrayal, hurt, anger, dirtiness, bitterness, fear, dread and more, right? Don’t try to push them back in and ignore them – imagine yourself putting your feelings (as if they were tangible) – and which are normal feelings to have considering the circumstances – on a big platter, and for now, let your mind take over. I will offer a suggestion further on about what to do with that “platter” of emotions.

So, separated from emotion and using your mind, look at the facts. Yes, he used you. On what can you base any trust that he won’t use you again? Assuming that you cannot trust him, what are you going to do about that? How can you get in the driver’s seat and take the steering wheel? Brainstorm – how might you take charge of the situation now, to prevent him from using you even one more time? Look at things realistically – put wishful thinking, ideals, and pride on that big platter with your emotions. What actions can you take now, other than just wallow in emotions and believe the words of your husband (which might not be worth much)? If you’re not sure, look at that platter as if it’s not part of you (temporarily) – if there is no change, do you want to remain mired up with all that pain and confusion on the platter? Who can/will you ask to help you through this (few people are able to navigate the course by themselves in these situations)?

As for the reality of the baby, assuming he is the father. Even if you can’t figure out how you might respond to being a step-mother at this point in time, don’t you think you’re entitled to have some “away” time to see how it all plays out, and to figure it out?

I clearly have not made up my mind.

Your emotional storm resulting from your discovering your husband’s fraud (his concealing his sex addiction, multiple partners, being a parent – assuming he’s the dad – and his lies) is a normal human reaction. It is difficult for most people to make sound decisions when we’re drowning in emotions. But now it is time to step out of the storm and to use your mind to direct your decisions and actions, even temporary ones. For example, if you cannot now decide whether to divorce your husband or remain married in the long term, you can decide to separate from him temporarily at least. You need to step out of your emotional storm, and I strongly believe, to step out of your relationship, so that you can think more clearly and realistically about the situation, your needs, and possible options. You have been given some good advice on who to obtain help from, so that you’re not alone in fixing this crisis.

Ideally I want to help him and bring him to heaven at the end of our days, but its so hard even just a couple of days into my journey Im tired, drained, sad and bitter.

It is commendable on your part, Sophia, that you treasure the meaning of marriage. Really commendable. Please never lose this conviction and please know that God has given you a beautiful heart, evidenced by your yearning to help your husband reach heaven. Marriage is a wonderful gift from God, when it’s a true marriage.

But none of us can take on more responsibility than what is realistic.

You are not responsible for keeping the vows you made on your wedding day if your consent to the marriage was based on fraud and other criteria, which deprived you of an opportunity to know what you were consenting to.

Recognize those feelings as important signals that you are not at peace; you need to allow your mind to take over now. You will not be healthy if you let the emotions continue to control you. It can simply be too hard to be at peace in the middle of a storm.

My husband is away for the next 3 nights for work and I am relieved to have my bed to myself. If I give up my fight and leave my husband I will update you again but for now I will end my post as I am conscious of the frustration im causing amongst you very lovely users. Thank you everyone who replied, I did read them all and appreciate them all.

Doesn’t your feeling of relief about your husband being away signal something very important to you?

BTW how we might be feeling is irrelevant to your situation.

God Bless you friends xx

Thank you.

(to be continued…)

Re: the Body of Christ: “If [one] part suffers, all the parts suffer with it; if one part is honored, all the parts share its joy.” (1 Corinthians 12:26)

 

[quiet52]

I cant pray because I know God knows what is really in my heart.

You posted this before the above posts I’ve addressed above, but I wanted to comment on this last.

Remember the big platter I mentioned above? This platter, with its heaps of dark and heavy feelings, confusion, self-contempt, ideals, dreams … represents the healing you need to be working on. Try to put all obstacles to peace on this platter. Present this platter to the Divine Physician, your constant companion Sophia, over and over again. Ask Him for His healing, guidance, and strength. He already knows your heart. He treasures you unconditionally, no matter how messy or unworthy you think you are. He is waiting for you to approach Him. He is with you, no matter what. Pray, no matter what. Pray imperfectly – just pray. Trust in His love, no matter what. It will take time and effort, like healing for illness takes time, but stay with God, open yourself to His Holy Spirit. You will be healed.

 

[epan]

I have been married just 2 months and already my marriage is in severe crisis. I am too ashamed to speak to my family & friends about it as my marriage is in such a mess I am certain they would all tell me to seek an annulment of the marriage from the church and walk away now.

I hardly know where to start, firstly just a little bit about us. I am a 25yr old catholic woman living in the UK, I have been fortunate to always have embraced my faith and try to live my life as the church teaches. I met my husband one year ago at a catholic youth event. He was born into the faith too and practised until he reached his teens then he ‘just stopped going to mass’, he attended only at Christmas from then until he met me. When we met he was happy to have found someone to share his faith with and he flung himself back into the faith and was confirmed in October 2012. I am a nursery assistant and my husband is a HGV driver.
So I met the man of my dreams and was delighted when he proposed after 3 months of dating. Both of our familes have been very supportive and accepting of us. We married 2 months ago, we had been together 10 months on our wedding day.

During our courtship, we remained chaste as I explained to my husband that I was waiting until marriage for any physical relationship. He said he respected my views and confessed he had 2 sexual relationships in the past, both long-term live-in relationships. He told me he had been single for 2 years when we met.

Now here comes the trouble; just one month before our wedding an older woman (40s) turned up at my workplace, heavily pregnant and told me she was having my fiancées child. She claimed he had known for 3 months and was denying the child was his and refused to speak to her. I was shocked but mindful of her condition and simply said “thank you for telling me, I am sorry for how you have been treated”. When I told my fiancée he got very angry and shouted at me for even doubting he had been faithful to me. He said the woman was a neighbour of his mothers and a troubled woman who has many children to different fathers and was just jealous of our happiness. I spoke to his mother and she confirmed the woman was ‘very odd and not right in the head ect’. After a week of rowing and debating and defending, my fiancée showed me a long message he sent the pregnant woman denying that he was her unborn childs father and saying it was impossible as he cannot father children due to a medical trauma as a teen. He told her he would insist on a paternity test to prove to everyone that this was not his child. She never replied to the message and we didn’t hear from her again. I was convinced that the pregnant neighbour was indeed just troubled/mistaken and we proceeded with our wedding.

The wedding was perfect and our honeymoon in Wales was wonderful. I have never imagined I could be so content.

Then we arrived home and to cut a very long story short I discovered the following in a matter of a few days;

• my husband is addicted to sex and now admits to over 70 partners
• he cheated with at least 8 women in the 10 months we were dating, 3 of them were sustained affairs lasting upto 2 months each the rest were one-night-stands
• the pregnant neighbour is indeed likely to be carrying his child due next month
• he has been in constant phone and email contact with the pregnant woman receiving updates on the babys progress and even attended one pre-natal scan with her
• he convinced the pregnant woman to ‘keep quiet’ until after our wedding telling her I have substantial savings and wouldn’t mind sharing the money with her and the baby
• he uses facebook to have video-chats with random women where both he and they undress and abuse themselves to sexually gratify eachother

There are many more lies and ‘omissions’. I feel like everyday brings yet another disgusting revelation and I married a man I know nothing about! I am devastated as I have looked forward to the vocation of married life so much and I really believed I had found my catholic prince charming.

I have no idea how to fix any of this, I have considered with-holding physical contact with my husband as a punishment. I feel he only wants my body and money.

I am so distressed by the thought of how its all going to get worse when the child is born that last night I found myself in the bathroom with a razor. A thought I would have found abhorrent before I got married! Its all such a horrible mess I just want to go to sleep forever.

1. Please seek the help of someone who is an expert, and who will be your ally to help you through this - your pastor, and/or a therapist.
2. Keep in mind that addiction is an illness, and that it is treatable. A vital question is, whether your husband wants to work on the problem? If he does, then there are resources available, such as 12 step groups, and therapists who are experts.

My favorite author on the topic is Patrick Carnes.