Newlywed panic

[ellen42]

Hello all.

Longtime lurker. First time poster.

I’m looking for some advice about a weird hang up that I’m having. I grew up in a fairly normal Catholic family and recently got married to a wonderful man. All my life I imagined how perfect my life would be when I was all grown up – married, 2.5 kids, white picket fence, all that fun. For the most part, that’s all coming true just like I hoped.

Except for one tiny thing.

I always thought of how nice it would be to have a husband and kids, but I never thought about what it would be like to actually HAVE the kids. For some reason, I always seemed to forget that I’d be pregnant and have to give birth. Anyway, now that I’m married and we’re hoping to start a family at some point, it’s starting to make me freak out. Part of it is because I’m realizing that getting pregnant is sort of the point of no return – you can’t really undo that. I’m not saying that I’d want to, but it’s just so definitive.

There have been a couple times where we’ve been starting to… you know… and I’m getting really close to him and feeling good, then he starts to… you know… and my brain starts thinking “Oh, this is it! We’re going to be pregnant this time! I just know it! Are you ready? Is he ready? What color are you going to paint the baby’s room?..” and well, that really kinda kills the mood on my end. Recently though, there have been a couple times when that’s happened before we started, so we never really got to… you know.

It’s not that I don’t want the kids or that I don’t think we’re ready. It’s more that I’m just freaked out about the finality of it. I’m so used to thinking about the fantasy of my future that I’m worried about actually trying to live it. So, I’m wondering – is there’s anybody else who’s been through this? How did you get past the fear of the unknown when starting your family? I’m thinking this should subside once we’ve had the first kid and all, but just getting to that point is starting to have an effect on our intimacy.

 

[dailey]

This must be normal behavior because the exact same thing happened to me! When my husband and I were trying to have our first child, I was so nervous that once I got pregnant, I would panic and change my mind. Like you said, pregnancy is the “point of no return”. But guess what? The minute I found out I was expecting, I felt nothing but pure happiness and joy. I swear, it was one of the best times of my life…

 

[GeorgeLopez]

There have been a couple times where we’ve been starting to… you know…

No. I don’t know.

 

[PatriceA]

One step at a time, one day at a time. When you got engaged, did you plan the WHOLE wedding and reception in one day or one appointment? No, you took one decision at a time. When you first met your husband, did you start planning your engagement the first date you went on together? Nope, you built your relationship gradually. Similar with becoming a parent. You just take one developement when it comes and God will give the grace to handle whatever is happening at that moment. This is the time you point your faith in action and trust that God has it all in the palm of His hand. Because there are NO guarantees when you decide you want to have a family. It rarely goes exactly as you plan it to be when you are getting married. You may OR may not get pregnant right away and you can’t let the “what ifs” play with your mind. If you have prayerfully discerned as a couple that you are to be parents, and I certainly hope you did WAY before you got married, then trust in God and His plan for you as a couple.

 

[Musician]

This is very normal for a young married woman. It’s natural to be apprehensive about having babies - it is a very final act. You will be bringing a whole new person into the world. You may not be emotionally and mentally ready for that yet.
Thank goodness, when you DO get pregnant, God gives us nine months to wrap our minds around the fact!
Like a poster has said, “ONE STEP AT A TIME” is the best way to live your life. Do what is best for that day, that moment, and worry later.
Besides, for me it was lots of fun to be pregnant and have babies…I loved playing dolls growing up and here were four real little babies! It was great. I know some women don’t have it easy though.
Pray, pray, pray, and then don’t be afraid. God will help you!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hello all.

Longtime lurker. First time poster.

I’m looking for some advice about a weird hang up that I’m having. I grew up in a fairly normal Catholic family and recently got married to a wonderful man. All my life I imagined how perfect my life would be when I was all grown up – married, 2.5 kids, white picket fence, all that fun. For the most part, that’s all coming true just like I hoped.

Except for one tiny thing.

I always thought of how nice it would be to have a husband and kids, but I never thought about what it would be like to actually HAVE the kids. For some reason, I always seemed to forget that I’d be pregnant and have to give birth. Anyway, now that I’m married and we’re hoping to start a family at some point, it’s starting to make me freak out. Part of it is because I’m realizing that getting pregnant is sort of the point of no return – you can’t really undo that. I’m not saying that I’d want to, but it’s just so definitive.

There have been a couple times where we’ve been starting to… you know… and I’m getting really close to him and feeling good, then he starts to… you know… and my brain starts thinking “Oh, this is it! We’re going to be pregnant this time! I just know it! Are you ready? Is he ready? What color are you going to paint the baby’s room?..” and well, that really kinda kills the mood on my end. Recently though, there have been a couple times when that’s happened before we started, so we never really got to… you know.

It’s not that I don’t want the kids or that I don’t think we’re ready. It’s more that I’m just freaked out about the finality of it. I’m so used to thinking about the fantasy of my future that I’m worried about actually trying to live it. So, I’m wondering – is there’s anybody else who’s been through this? How did you get past the fear of the unknown when starting your family? I’m thinking this should subside once we’ve had the first kid and all, but just getting to that point is starting to have an effect on our intimacy.

You’re thinking too much, dear. Just conjure up a big STOP sign when you start that anxious worrying. Let your husband … you know… Just let go of the worries. Take it one step at a time. You have to … you know … in order to get pregnant… And it could take a few sessions of that before you really do get pregnant. So just enjoy it in the moment. DO NOT start thinking about the baby’s future room decorations!!! Stay focused on what is happening in THAT moment, not 6 mos. down the line. Relax. Have a glass of wine if necessary.

Just do it. No one is ever really ready. I was 31 when I got married, and even then, I wasn’t sure if I really could be a mommy. But God sent us a baby anyway, because He knew I could be. And it will be all right. As someone else said, as soon as that little plus sign showed up, I was so thrilled and excited, still a bit nervous, but so excited…I bet you will be too.

 

[Sarabande]

I think this is normal. Before I had my first, as much as I wanted to have a baby and start a family, it scared the heck of me. I was really afraid of not being a good mother. The finality of it was also a little scary because I knew that my life and our life as a married couple would never be the same. I also knew, from my years of babysitting and always being the oldest sibling or oldest cousin responsible for all the younger kids, that it was a 24/7 “job”. I was afraid I couldn’t handle it.

It took us two years to get pregnant. Once I found out I was pregnant, though, I was so happy. I jumped in. It didn’t mean that I still had worries. Being so new to it, having my mother, MIL and other older women, as well as my father, helping me get get through the tough times and my fear of not doing it right, was so encouraging and helpful. Being a parent does change your life forever, but it is one of the best changes in your life. Nothing really compares to being a parent.

P.S. Once I learned to just let go and let it happen, things fell into place, including getting pregnant almost immediately “having a talk” with God and telling Him I would accept anything He gave me, including never having children. It’s breaking through that wall of fear which give you the courage and strength to handle anything.

 

[ellen42]

I just wanted to thank everybody for their replies. It’s nice to know that you’re not alone. I also wanted to reply to a few things specifically, so forgive me if I edit your quotes to save a little space.

The minute I found out I was expecting, I felt nothing but pure happiness and joy. I swear, it was one of the best times of my life…

This is what I’m hoping for, but like I said earlier, I never really thought about being pregnant before. I’m not apprehensive about it, but I’m just like “…” thinking about it. “Yeah, there’s that… I’m going to have to do that.” It’s like saying, “Congratulations, you’re married. There’s some really awesome cake that everybody talks about waiting for you. Oh, did I forget to mention you have to climb that moderately sized mountain to get it? It’s totally worth it, but it takes nine months to get to the top.”

No. I don’t know.

Well, one day you’ll meet a very special lady and get married and on that night, you’ll know then. But not before, because that’s a sin.

One step at a time, one day at a time. When you got engaged, did you plan the WHOLE wedding and reception in one day or one appointment? No, you took one decision at a time. When you first met your husband, did you start planning your engagement the first date you went on together? Nope, you built your relationship gradually. Similar with becoming a parent. You just take one developement when it comes and God will give the grace to handle whatever is happening at that moment. This is the time you point your faith in action and trust that God has it all in the palm of His hand. Because there are NO guarantees when you decide you want to have a family. It rarely goes exactly as you plan it to be when you are getting married. You may OR may not get pregnant right away and you can’t let the “what ifs” play with your mind. If you have prayerfully discerned as a couple that you are to be parents, and I certainly hope you did WAY before you got married, then trust in God and His plan for you as a couple.

Besides, for me it was lots of fun to be pregnant and have babies…I loved playing dolls growing up and here were four real little babies! It was great. I know some women don’t have it easy though.
Pray, pray, pray, and then don’t be afraid. God will help you!

There is a slight difference between dating and pregnancy though. At any point along the dating process, even while engaged, you can decide that it’s not working and you want to call it off. Once you’re pregnant, you can’t really do that. You do get nine months to prepare, but you don’t get nine months to decide if this is really what you want to do right now and be able to change your mind.

Part of it is also that I didn’t really play with dolls as a kid either. I remember playing “house” and such, but we always had “kids” not “babies”. I would help them learn to read and do math and ride bikes… not feed them and change their diapers. So really, this whole first part – pregnancy till they’re about 4 – was just never part of my imagined future.

You’re thinking too much, dear. Just conjure up a big STOP sign when you start that anxious worrying. Let your husband … you know… Just let go of the worries. Take it one step at a time. You have to … you know … in order to get pregnant… And it could take a few sessions of that before you really do get pregnant. So just enjoy it in the moment. DO NOT start thinking about the baby’s future room decorations!!! Stay focused on what is happening in THAT moment, not 6 mos. down the line. Relax. Have a glass of wine if necessary.

The thing is that we’ve been married about 10 months now, and we haven’t been trying for a kid, but we haven’t been “not trying” either. So I think that part of me is also thinking that my “luck” is going to run out – in a manner of speaking – and the honeymoon time will be over and we’ll move on to the parenting time. It’s just the enormity of that reality that’s hitting me more than anything, and that really is focusing on “the moment” as well. I just feel so connected and close to my husband at that moment that I know that it’s what I want, but it’s also horribly overwhelming. It’s like looking up at the night sky and suddenly realizing exactly how far away all the stars really are. It’s awesome and intimidating all at the same time.

 

[lizaanne]

No. I don’t know.

Never mind George - everyone else seems to get it.
She’s trying to be discreet - just let it go.

~Liza

 

[TheRealJuliane]

OP, one more fun thing…

Once you get pregnant and all those hormones start surging…“it” is really fun. I mean, really, REALLY fun. It’s not just me, a lot of women find pregnant sex to be the best we ever had.



Try to stop thinking so much. Hum a song, imagine a visual image, say a prayer, whatever. You are way down the line into the future. Live in this moment.

 

[Sarabande]

OP, one more fun thing…

Once you get pregnant and all those hormones start surging…“it” is really fun. I mean, really, REALLY fun. It’s not just me, a lot of women find pregnant sex to be the best we ever had.



Try to stop thinking so much. Hum a song, imagine a visual image, say a prayer, whatever. You are way down the line into the future. Live in this moment.

I have to agree with you. I thought I was strange, but I’m glad to hear I’m not alone.

 

[ellen42]

OP, one more fun thing…

Once you get pregnant and all those hormones start surging…“it” is really fun. I mean, really, REALLY fun. It’s not just me, a lot of women find pregnant sex to be the best we ever had.



Try to stop thinking so much. Hum a song, imagine a visual image, say a prayer, whatever. You are way down the line into the future. Live in this moment.

I have to agree with you. I thought I was strange, but I’m glad to hear I’m not alone.

Ah, yes. I’m sure once I’m chemically imbalanced – I mean, pregnant – that I’ll definitely have a different take on things as well. I’ve heard such things as well, including from the guy’s perspective – he can’t get me pregnant again, after all.

 

[LittleRose]

The thing is that we’ve been married about 10 months now, and we haven’t been trying for a kid, but we haven’t been “not trying” either. So I think that part of me is also thinking that my “luck” is going to run out – in a manner of speaking – and the honeymoon time will be over and we’ll move on to the parenting time. It’s just the enormity of that reality that’s hitting me more than anything, and that really is focusing on “the moment” as well. I just feel so connected and close to my husband at that moment that I know that it’s what I want, but it’s also horribly overwhelming. It’s like looking up at the night sky and suddenly realizing exactly how far away all the stars really are. It’s awesome and intimidating all at the same time.

So glad you posted about this. DH and I have been TTC for 3 years, and as deeply as I want children, and as long as I have been longing for them, I still get the occasional “what on earth am I getting into?” moment, though in my case it’s usually when I’m watching someone else as they are parenting. Haha. You’re not alone feeling this way. Thanks for letting me know I’m not either.

 

[ryecroft]

I know I’m going to get flak for this, but I would love to ask - is your husband o.k. with both of you getting pregnant? Have you asked him if he’s having some of the same thoughts? Maybe not everyone on here thinks like this, but I know I’ve sure had my major freak outs even when we’ve been trying. But I will say for the first few years (actually almost 5 years) we didn’t have kids and didn’t intend to until at least 3-5 years elapsed and we had settled down and so had my health. Have you guys gone to the NFP classes - if not I really suggest it - not just for avoiding (although it sounded like you guys have decided it’s o.k. if you get pregnant - which I’m glad is a decision you’ve both made together)- As I mentioned - I wouldn’t be one bit suprized if even if you guys discussed this, there’s a big difference between ‘discussing’ and realiizing that with one act together your whole lives will change 9-10 months down the line. Talk to him - oh and talk to Him too (even more importantly)
God Bless
Rye

 

[twoangels]

No. I don’t know.

George I’m in the same boat as you. I’m married and she could be referring to one of two things. Meanwhile everyone else seems to be interpreting what she is referring to on their own without even considering that she could be referring to something else. So you could have one group of people giving advice assuming she’s referring to the first possible difficulty and the other group think she’s referring to the second possible difficulty. And since everyone is refusing to talk about it directly, any miscommunication is being completely glossed over.

Though I suppose it doesn’t matter because the advice for the first option is pretty much similar advice for the second option. However, in my opinion, the first option is a real problem. The second option is a minor complaint that shouldn’t be made too big a deal out of.

 

[ellen42]

I know I’m going to get flak for this, but I would love to ask - is your husband o.k. with both of you getting pregnant? Have you asked him if he’s having some of the same thoughts? Maybe not everyone on here thinks like this, but I know I’ve sure had my major freak outs even when we’ve been trying. But I will say for the first few years (actually almost 5 years) we didn’t have kids and didn’t intend to until at least 3-5 years elapsed and we had settled down and so had my health. Have you guys gone to the NFP classes - if not I really suggest it - not just for avoiding (although it sounded like you guys have decided it’s o.k. if you get pregnant - which I’m glad is a decision you’ve both made together)- As I mentioned - I wouldn’t be one bit suprized if even if you guys discussed this, there’s a big difference between ‘discussing’ and realiizing that with one act together your whole lives will change 9-10 months down the line. Talk to him - oh and talk to Him too (even more importantly)
God Bless
Rye

I know that we’re definitely not okay with us both getting pregnant, mainly because my husband lacks a uterus and it would be very awkward.

Seriously though, we’re both on the same page – including the occasional freak out. The first time that such a freak out really kinda put me off before we got started, we talked about what just happened and what we were feeling. We both tend to be the “roll with the punches” type of people, so we both know that we’re “ready” as much as we can be. Like several other people have pointed out, there’s an obvious difference between discussing having a kid / trying to have a kid and actually getting a positive pregnancy test.

We haven’t taken any serious steps towards NFP mainly because we’d previously decided that we’d be carefree and spontaneous, at least until kid #1 is here. We probably will look into it at a future date, because we don’t really want a super giant family, but I personally want to just see what comes (and my husband is agreeable to it, but it’s not as much his personality). If I knew when I was ovulating, then I’d know (or at least have a better idea) if we were or were not likely to get pregnant that day and that removes some of the fun spontaneity of it.

 

[28562]

OP, one more fun thing…

Once you get pregnant and all those hormones start surging…“it” is really fun. I mean, really, REALLY fun. It’s not just me, a lot of women find pregnant sex to be the best we ever had.

Sometimes your posts really bum me out…it’s not like that in THIS house!

 

[ellen42]

George I’m in the same boat as you. I’m married and she could be referring to one of two things. Meanwhile everyone else seems to be interpreting what she is referring to on their own without even considering that she could be referring to something else. So you could have one group of people giving advice assuming she’s referring to the first possible difficulty and the other group think she’s referring to the second possible difficulty. And since everyone is refusing to talk about it directly, any miscommunication is being completely glossed over.

Though I suppose it doesn’t matter because the advice for the first option is pretty much similar advice for the second option. However, in my opinion, the first option is a real problem. The second option is a minor complaint that shouldn’t be made too big a deal out of.

[notsureifserious.jpg]

Nobody seems to have misinterpreted it yet…

 

[1inICXC]

Hello all.

Longtime lurker. First time poster.

I’m looking for some advice about a weird hang up that I’m having. I grew up in a fairly normal Catholic family and recently got married to a wonderful man. All my life I imagined how perfect my life would be when I was all grown up – married, 2.5 kids, white picket fence, all that fun. For the most part, that’s all coming true just like I hoped.

Except for one tiny thing.

I always thought of how nice it would be to have a husband and kids, but I never thought about what it would be like to actually HAVE the kids. For some reason, I always seemed to forget that I’d be pregnant and have to give birth. Anyway, now that I’m married and we’re hoping to start a family at some point, it’s starting to make me freak out. Part of it is because I’m realizing that getting pregnant is sort of the point of no return – you can’t really undo that. I’m not saying that I’d want to, but it’s just so definitive.

There have been a couple times where we’ve been starting to… you know… and I’m getting really close to him and feeling good, then he starts to… you know… and my brain starts thinking “Oh, this is it! We’re going to be pregnant this time! I just know it! Are you ready? Is he ready? What color are you going to paint the baby’s room?..” and well, that really kinda kills the mood on my end. Recently though, there have been a couple times when that’s happened before we started, so we never really got to… you know.

It’s not that I don’t want the kids or that I don’t think we’re ready. It’s more that I’m just freaked out about the finality of it. I’m so used to thinking about the fantasy of my future that I’m worried about actually trying to live it. So, I’m wondering – is there’s anybody else who’s been through this? How did you get past the fear of the unknown when starting your family? I’m thinking this should subside once we’ve had the first kid and all, but just getting to that point is starting to have an effect on our intimacy.

Yup, right there with you, includingthe having kids but not babies fantasies. I dealt with it by simply refusing to think about it.

I was getting sick and having nightmares reading “what to expect when you’re expecting” . I wasyoung and fairly uncalculated. I still take that approach every time we have to make a tough decision: do it, go head first, worry about the problems only when they arise".
Im sure there’s a better way of going about it however

 

[FatherOfMany]

Never mind George - everyone else seems to get it.
She’s trying to be discreet - just let it go.

~Liza

Originally Posted by GeorgeLopez
No. I don’t know.

Never mind George - everyone else seems to get it.
She’s trying to be discreet - just let it go.

“you know…” what I’m with George, what the heck is she talking about:shrug: