Newlyweds and sex

[Delphinus85]

I know I ask a lot of questions abou tthis on here, but I literally have no one to talk to about it…how sad is that?

At any rate, I just have a question for newleds/not-bo-newlyweds. I found that sex (my husband and I waiting for our wedding night BTW and we were both virgins) is kind of overrated. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not BAD, but…I dunno lol.

A problem I am having is that on our wedding night, it was great. There wasn’t a whole lot of hot and heavy “passion” because we were both nervous. The problem is…there hasn’t really been passion SINCE then. It’s kind of like “hey, you wanna?” “yeah sure…” “okay…”

I just don’t get it. When we were dating we’d get in trouble just LOOKING at each other. Holding hands wasn’t even pure for us, and we struggled for the 3 years of our dating relationship to keep it pure. I NEVER thought passion would ever be a problem. But it seems like my sex drive (and his) not to mention our passion not only fizzled on our wedding day…but DIED.

I am getting really frustrated, I am depressed. I don’t know what happened. We were good, we waited. And it seems like we should have been “having fun” when we felt like it, and now…we just never feel like it. I mean…the passion is just GONE.

Has anyone else gone through this? Is this normal? Does anyone have any advice? I really miss when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We had to restrain then, but now that we don’t have to, we don’t want to!

 

[porthos11]

I know I ask a lot of questions abou tthis on here, but I literally have no one to talk to about it…how sad is that?

At any rate, I just have a question for newleds/not-bo-newlyweds. I found that sex (my husband and I waiting for our wedding night BTW and we were both virgins) is kind of overrated. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not BAD, but…I dunno lol.

A problem I am having is that on our wedding night, it was great. There wasn’t a whole lot of hot and heavy “passion” because we were both nervous. The problem is…there hasn’t really been passion SINCE then. It’s kind of like “hey, you wanna?” “yeah sure…” “okay…”

I just don’t get it. When we were dating we’d get in trouble just LOOKING at each other. Holding hands wasn’t even pure for us, and we struggled for the 3 years of our dating relationship to keep it pure. I NEVER thought passion would ever be a problem. But it seems like my sex drive (and his) not to mention our passion not only fizzled on our wedding day…but DIED.

I am getting really frustrated, I am depressed. I don’t know what happened. We were good, we waited. And it seems like we should have been “having fun” when we felt like it, and now…we just never feel like it. I mean…the passion is just GONE.

Has anyone else gone through this? Is this normal? Does anyone have any advice? I really miss when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We had to restrain then, but now that we don’t have to, we don’t want to!

Of course we understand. Passion (i.e. the emotion) is caused by chemical activity in the brain. It’s God’s way of ensuring human beings get attracted to each other in a sexual manner to ensure reproduction of the species.

In time, though, these reactions balance out and we lose the “feelings”. This is a given. They can fire up again from time to time, but they are not permanent by any means.

What’s left is the true test of love. Love has nothing to do with feelings. Ultimately, it is an act of the will. Just as you let your will restrain yourselves, now you will let your will express your love for each other. That’s why one can always be “in love” without being “in love” because true love is an act of the will, not of the emotions.

That said, nothing stops you from trying to trigger the old fires, such as the music you listened to, or recreating the romantic situations that got you all crazy for each other.

 

[Delphinus85]

Of course we understand. Passion (i.e. the emotion) is caused by chemical activity in the brain. It’s God’s way of ensuring human beings get attracted to each other in a sexual manner to ensure reproduction of the species.

In time, though, these reactions balance out and we lose the “feelings”. This is a given. They can fire up again from time to time, but they are not permanent by any means.

What’s left is the true test of love. Love has nothing to do with feelings. Ultimately, it is an act of the will. Just as you let your will restrain yourselves, now you will let your will express your love for each other. That’s why one can always be “in love” without being “in love” because true love is an act of the will, not of the emotions.

That said, nothing stops you from trying to trigger the old fires, such as the music you listened to, or recreating the romantic situations that got you all crazy for each other.

The thing that breaks my heart though, is that when we were passionate, we couldn’t so anything because we were abstaining! And now that we could do something, it’s like God flipped off the light switch as soon as we said “I do.” My husband blames himself, I feel like an unattarctive wife, and I feel like (And I suspect my husband does too) that we got ourselves trapped in a passionless marriage, and we feel misled because things were so hot and heavy when we were dating but literally died on our wedding day. I can p(name removed by moderator)oint EXACTLY when it happened.

Is this common for newlyweds? Does it come back? ever?

It’s hard to recreate the situations where we got passionate because…there was nothing special. I lived an hour away. He would come pick me up on friday nights to spend the weekends with him (and my friends, I stayed with them) and usually when he picked me up, as soon as we saw each other we were crazy about each other. We never really did anything special, nothing that we don’t do now, we don’t have kids, and we still have our date nights. but…nothing:shrug:

I’m crying as I write this because it feels so unfair. I’m at a total loss. I still feel the ooshy-gooshy “I love you” feelings that have always been there. The baby talk doesn’t cease. We are cuddlers to the extreme, and we are always hugging and cuddling and kissing, and more often than not we shower together (sorry if it’s TMI, but obviously nothing is happening here anyway…) but…the sexuality is…gone. I mean, we still do it, but it so…blah. you know? I mean, it’s good, but it’s nothing like we used to have. We’ve only been married 6 months. You’d think we’d still have passion. But…we’ve been married 6 months, you’d think the newness jitters or something would wear off by now.

 

[anna1978]

Ok, you’ve only been married 6 months…I remember that time wel!! In 2001, my dh and I got married, both virgins and although we were almost 30-years-old, we REALLY had never so much as ‘properly kissed’ another person. I know dh has a low sex-drive anyway, and so do I (he was a seminarian for 3 years from 1991-94, I was a candidate & postulante in a monastery 1996-97)…but when we started dating, I really, for the first time felt PASSION…all capital letters, in a big way! So, did he! Infact, we got engaged within 6 months of meeting, married 6 months after that because we really knew we were meant to be!

But the sex…oh, it was a struggle! We both were major disappointed with the fumbling and everything and it took a good YEAR before it went from ‘the mechanics of what goes where’ to actually FEELING anything! It was like our bodies were learning a new language! And it needed practise! Yes, we felt sex was major over-rated and thought we could just cut it out completely…but after a year or so, it slowly became more ‘fun’…we got used to eachother and we got ‘in the mood’ more often. THat’s when our eldest was conceived

6, almost 7, years on, it still isn’t top-of-the-agenda for us, I think we’ll always be people with low sex-drives BUT when we do get in the mood, it is like nothing else…and part of that is because neither of us have ever shared THIS with anybody else! It helps us feel closer, even closer than we already are, and yes, we do still fancy eachother!

Honestly, give it time! 6 months is a very short time…all those kids who start when they’re 15 or 16, probably don’t like it much for the first…oooh…5 or 10 years…so, don’t expect to all of a sudden ‘learn the language of love’ in 6 months! As long as you love eachother and enjoy eachothers company, it WILL slowly get better: promise !

Anna x

 

[jfallaw]

the problem is that you spent so many years thinking sex was ‘dirty’ and ‘impure’ that you convinced yourself. you and hubby tried so hard to ignore your attraction for each other that you convinced your mind that you really aren’t attracted to him. sad. when will the Church lighten up on sex and start teaching that it really is a good thing within marriage? when will we start teaching that it’s ok to be horny?? lmao

 

[rasmussen]

I disagree with the pp. We have had this on and off in our marriage as well. We chalk it up to stress. We are doing NFP and sometimes that can be stressful because you are giving up all control. Then there is the stress of the outside world on your marriage and sometimes it is too exhausting to think about. When you are dating, you ignore the rest of the world and think about yourself and each other more. Now you have more responsibilities to each other, work, your marriage, in-laws, bills etc and it can put a damper on all the fun of dating. In our relationship it is my husband that suffers the most from lack of desire and stress. I try and help him relax by doing extra special things for him that he knows are just for him because I love him and I get extra kisses and sometimes that sparks something and sometimes it doesn’t. Don’t worry. I think it is totally normal and that marriages have ups and downs in this department. As you can see, I am expecting and it was truly a gift from God, because we were abstaining for 2 years (during the fertile period) because we felt we were not ready and because of my overconfidence that I had in my cycles, I got lazy in my charting and for the first time in 2 years I ovulated 2 days early and I ended up expecting this child I am so already in love with. Pray to God about your concerns. I did! It helps and you get some clarity. And talk to your husband and make sure that there isn’t anything that you could be doing to help him or visa versa. God Bless and have a wonderful 1st Christmas!!

 

[StratusRose]

the problem is that you spent so many years thinking sex was ‘dirty’ and ‘impure’ that you convinced yourself. you and hubby tried so hard to ignore your attraction for each other that you convinced your mind that you really aren’t attracted to him. sad. when will the Church lighten up on sex and start teaching that it really is a good thing within marriage? when will we start teaching that it’s ok to be horny?? lmao

I was onboard with you in the beginning of your post until I read the bolded part.

When has the church ever said this?

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

… when will the Church lighten up on sex and start teaching that it really is a good thing within marriage? …

Geee… Please read up what the Church teaches on sex in marriage. The Church does teach it is a really good thing within marriage!

Here is a starter (from the Catechism):

"2362 "The acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of the spouses takes place are noble and honorable; the truly human performance of these acts fosters the self-giving they signify and enriches the spouses in joy and gratitude."144 Sexuality is a source of joy and pleasure:

The Creator himself . . . established that in the [generative] function, spouses should experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit. Therefore, the spouses do nothing evil in seeking this pleasure and enjoyment …"

 

[1ke]

D–

Seems to me to be a mixture of things that could be at the root of it. First, yes, it is normal. Life happens and sex takes a back seat.

Sure you had “passion” when dating-- you lived an hour away… you both anticipated your time together and you both had total focus on those weekends together. Now that you live together, especially if you both work, the weekend is full of grocery shopping, house cleaning, mail sorting-- and not so much on the focused fun and romance.

So, you have to make it happen. Once you get going, don’t you find yourself “into it?” It’s the getting started that is sometimes difficult when your brain is weighing sex against going to bed early and getting an extra hour of sleep! So, steer yourselves in the other direction.

The mistake newlyweds often make is that sex & romance in marriage should be like on TV and movies-- it’s not. It’s not “spontaneous” or “candle-lit” or “exotic” unless you put the work into it to make it happen. Remember the line from When Harry Met Sally about the kitchen floor… “no, not once”… yes you have all these exciting ideas about what it will be like (mostly involving not being able to keep your hands off each other and soap-opera like love scenes) and sometimes reality just can’t live up to what you’ve built up in your heads.

There’s nothing wrong with you. You both need to chill out, and get the idea out of your heads that you’ve entered into a passionless marriage.

Clear the schedules, and plan night of fun, romance, and sex.

 

[1ke]

I was onboard with you in the beginning of your post until I read the bolded part.

When has the church ever said this?

He’s thinking of the Church of Hollywood where repressed nuns reign supreme on Law & Order reruns.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

I’m not married or anything, but I imagine sex has got to be like learning to do anything new with your body. It’s going feel strange and awkward for awhile, until your body gets used to doing this new thing. Once you have to stop thinking about what all your parts are doing, I imagine you’ll be able to enjoy it a bit more, just like playing an instrument or learning a martial art. I remember learning how to play guitar, and how I felt like my songs must sound so awkward because it took me a few minutes to think of where to put each finger for the next chord. But after awhile, I stopped having to think about how to play each chord, and the music got smoother, and I could have more fun playing around, because I didn’t have to think about it so much.

Just my two cents, it may or may not be helpful as I’m a virgin myself.

 

[catholic79]

Delphinus85

Welcome to married life! And congrats on waiting till your wedding night, it’s a hard thing to do. My DH and I have been married for 6yrs, and like you we waited.

“The problem is…there hasn’t really been passion SINCE then. It’s kind of like “hey, you wanna?” “yeah sure…” “okay…””

This made me smile, because we have this conversation often in our marriage. I hope this is normal, I really think it is. The mechanics definitely improve with time; I mean anything gets better with practice right? And as that improves the wanting it passion improves to!

There is so much new to learn when you are 1st married you are after all learning how to live with this person, doing things as a couple all the time. You said you lived an hour away before and now you are sleeping next to this person every night. Try not to be depressed and don’t blame anyone, relationships change as we go through life.

“I’m crying as I write this because it feels so unfair. I’m at a total loss. I still feel the ooshy-gooshy “I love you” feelings that have always been there.”

I want to give ya a bug hug! I am so glad that you still have the “I love you” feelings. Things will get better as you “learn” more about each other. And don’t pay attention to those darn magazines with tips to improve things, just talk to each other, about everything!

 

[Em_in_FL]

It sounds like you guys really need to have a good ol’ fashioned TALK.
Explain your feelings… your thoughts… your desires.

Shake things up a little… be proactive to bring a little more passion into the relationship… FLIRT, send suggestive emails during work (we still do this at 7years of marriage!), etc.

If you WANT these things, then you have to just step up and DO IT!..

 

[DJgang]

Okay…I’m reading between the lines here…and I may be wrong…

one of two things…you still consider sex dirty or fear of pregnancy…

or, you just need to have a fight and have make up sex…

I’m kind of being silly, but I will definitely pray for you. I’m sorry you are going through these emotions.

 

[anna1978]

I’m not married or anything, but I imagine sex has got to be like learning to do anything new with your body. It’s going feel strange and awkward for awhile, until your body gets used to doing this new thing. Once you have to stop thinking about what all your parts are doing, I imagine you’ll be able to enjoy it a bit more, just like playing an instrument or learning a martial art. I remember learning how to play guitar, and how I felt like my songs must sound so awkward because it took me a few minutes to think of where to put each finger for the next chord. But after awhile, I stopped having to think about how to play each chord, and the music got smoother, and I could have more fun playing around, because I didn’t have to think about it so much.

Just my two cents, it may or may not be helpful as I’m a virgin myself.

No, I think you’re actually bang on! That’s what I was trying to say! It’s not like you get to bed the first time and ‘know what to do’…I mean,sure you know the ‘mechanics’, but your body has to get used to the other body! And that takes time! It’s a bit like learning to ride a bike, or a new language…and only ‘practise makes perfect’

Anna x

 

[teme]

So, when you were dating, you went on dates, travelled to see each other, and wanted to have sex. Do you date each other now? Take each other out on unexpected outings, and keep trying to “win the heart” of your spouse every day - and you’ll keep the desire alive.

Congratulations on remaining pure - that’s hard to do! It sounds to me like you may have built your expectations so high for sex that you’re not yet able to meet it now that you can enjoy that gift from God. Relax, and practice. Think of how difficult it was for you to learn some new skill, that didn’t require anyone else to participate. You need to “learn” how you enjoy sex, and have to learn with someone else. Give it time, and don’t expect to have mind-blowing, neighborhood rocking, porn-style intercourse.

Without sharing too many details, I suspect most people on this forum, and in the world, took time to get good at “it”. My first several showings were less than impressive, but thankfully, we kept trying, and now have reached the level we stove for. If everyone gave up because it wasn’t what the media tells us it should be, there would be few children in the world.

Definitely speak to your spouse about what you are feeling - but be careful to not accuse, or make your spouse think there is a proble, or that it lies with him. You want to pleasure him, and he you, and that will really increase the desire and enjoyment. If you each really work to please the other physically, you’ll find what you were hoping for.

Don’t be afraid to talk, laugh, and joke during sex. My wife and I began talking during sex about what worked, and what didn’t, and that really was the key for us.

 

[duskyjewel]

The biggest thing I see here is that the “forbidden fruit effect” has worn off. Your passion would crest while dating, but you knew it was forbidden, which would increase excitement. I would bet you two pushed the envelope a couple times while dating, but backed off in time. More excitement from the forbidden aspect. Then, as marriage approached, your excitement increased, because you would finally be allowed. Once you were married, it was like, “Wow, look what we can do now!” So there was excitement from that. But now, you have been married for half a year, and it’s a routine part of life. The anticipation and excitement that was built onto everything before is not there anymore, cuz now you’re allowed to whenever you want. (BTW, you will get some of the anticipation part back after you have kids. You’ll spend days waiting for an opportunity, then pounce on each other, breathless and thrilled to have 15 minutes to focus on each other! )

My advice? Spice it up! You have much power as a woman. Men are so visual that turning them on is a snap. Go to a local lingerie store, like Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s of Hollywood. Victoria’s is better for pretty & feminine, Frederick’s is better for fantasy/role-playing stuff. It’s Christmas time, so you can use that. Get a sexy Mrs. Claus outfit and be waiting for him at the door when he gets home. Tell him in your best breathy, sexy voice that you’re taking him under the mistletoe tonight. Or, get a giant gift bow, and wait for him in front of the tree wearing only the bow (placed wherever you like). Cook him a special dinner wearing something skimpy and silky, with heels. Being a tart in general is bad. Being his tart is great fun! Playing up body parts you know he likes is a good strategy too. There are breast men, leg men, etc. Whichever one your DH is, play on it. With mine, all I have to do is bend over in some short shorts, and his eyes get that special sparkle.

I don’t know how much variety you two have brought to the act itself either, and it doesn’t really need to be discussed (except by you two). Try different positions, is all I will say. I recall one person on one of the boards I read who said that in 20 years of marriage, she and her DH had never done anything but missionary. Now there is a recipe for boredom.

Just want to add, some people might think I am putting all the onus on her to improve this, as I offered only suggestions of things for the OP to do and not her DH. Well, I think it is up to both of them, of course, but I am a woman, so I am sharing that experience with the OP. Good luck, Delphinus!

 

[Truly_Beloved]

Don’t be afraid to talk, laugh, and joke during sex. My wife and I began talking during sex about what worked, and what didn’t, and that really was the key for us.

We’re big talkers, too, during lovemaking.

Del, my husband and I were virgins when we married, too, and it took a little over a year to have more passionate relations. I used to think exactly as you do: That sex was okay, but overrated. It started getting better in the second year of marriage for us. Then, when I got pregnant with my second baby, it went from pretty good to incredible (we had been married for 3.5 years when we conceived baby #2). And not just incredible sometimes, but consistently incredible.

So, I guess all that is just to say that it takes a little time, but it comes, don’t worry! Your situation sounds normal to me.

 

[catholic79]

Being a tart in general is bad. Being his tart is great fun!



Just want to add, some people might think I am putting all the onus on her to improve this, as I offered only suggestions of things for the OP to do and not her DH. Well, I think it is up to both of them, of course, but I am a woman, so I am sharing that experience with the OP. Good luck, Delphinus!

shes the one who asked

 

[Truly_Beloved]

(BTW, you will get some of the anticipation part back after you have kids. You’ll spend days waiting for an opportunity, then pounce on each other, breathless and thrilled to have 15 minutes to focus on each other! )

No kidding!! This is totally true, and we’ve only got one outside and one inside the womb.

My advice? Spice it up! You have much power as a woman. Men are so visual that turning them on is a snap. Go to a local lingerie store, like Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s of Hollywood. Victoria’s is better for pretty & feminine, Frederick’s is better for fantasy/role-playing stuff. It’s Christmas time, so you can use that. Get a sexy Mrs. Claus outfit and be waiting for him at the door when he gets home. Tell him in your best breathy, sexy voice that you’re taking him under the mistletoe tonight. Or, get a giant gift bow, and wait for him in front of the tree wearing only the bow (placed wherever you like). Cook him a special dinner wearing something skimpy and silky, with heels. Being a tart in general is bad. Being his tart is great fun! Playing up body parts you know he likes is a good strategy too. There are breast men, leg men, etc. Whichever one your DH is, play on it. With mine, all I have to do is bend over in some short shorts, and his eyes get that special sparkle.

DJ, you’re hilarious! I often tell my husband that I regret not wanting pretty lingerie before I became pregnant for the first time. Admittedly, pregnancy resulted in finally being blessed with a chest, so I am a lot more confident in my “ability” to wear nice underthings. Now, all I have to do is find some in my size that I like.

I don’t know how much variety you two have brought to the act itself either, and it doesn’t really need to be discussed (except by you two). Try different positions, is all I will say.

This is a very good suggestion. When my husband and I were newly married, I didn’t think different positions would be that big of a deal, but they ended up being especially enjoyable for him.