Newlyweds and sex

[marty30]

I know I ask a lot of questions abou tthis on here, but I literally have no one to talk to about it…how sad is that?

At any rate, I just have a question for newleds/not-bo-newlyweds. I found that sex (my husband and I waiting for our wedding night BTW and we were both virgins) is kind of overrated. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not BAD, but…I dunno lol.

A problem I am having is that on our wedding night, it was great. There wasn’t a whole lot of hot and heavy “passion” because we were both nervous. The problem is…there hasn’t really been passion SINCE then. It’s kind of like “hey, you wanna?” “yeah sure…” “okay…”

I just don’t get it. When we were dating we’d get in trouble just LOOKING at each other. Holding hands wasn’t even pure for us, and we struggled for the 3 years of our dating relationship to keep it pure. I NEVER thought passion would ever be a problem. But it seems like my sex drive (and his) not to mention our passion not only fizzled on our wedding day…but DIED.

I am getting really frustrated, I am depressed. I don’t know what happened. We were good, we waited. And it seems like we should have been “having fun” when we felt like it, and now…we just never feel like it. I mean…the passion is just GONE.

Has anyone else gone through this? Is this normal? Does anyone have any advice? I really miss when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We had to restrain then, but now that we don’t have to, we don’t want to!

Thank you for your courage to ask for help on this thread and to share your experience. My wife and I have been going through some of the same things and we have been married for 8 months. I think she gets more worried than I do but I get scared too for the same reasons you shared. I have been praying to God to help me and your thread is a sign for me. I surprized my wife this morning before she went to work. I don’t know what came over me but it made her happy. Some one mentioned how stress and things going on in our life can cause us to loose that drive and I agree. I find thAT if my wife and I can get out of town for a few days we can find that loving feeling if you know what I mean. Maybe you should take this to the prayer intention foruom. There is nothing better than having more people pray for you. I will pray for you and ask that you keep me in your prayers to. God bless you and your husband.

 

[Delphinus85]

And to think people say Catholics think sex is evil and they hate it…jeez
if someone says that to me I’m just going to show them this thread

I would think they’d only need to see the size of cathoic families. yeesh! hehehe

 

[teme]

Actually I am working with one right now. They have sent me out of a few interviews, and I just got off the phone with my “agent” about one job. She says everyone I have worked for and interviewed for has given me rave reviews, but due to cutbacks or whatever, they hire someone else. She says the reviews I get are encouraging to her though.

Have you always been working with the agency? Is this a recruiter, or an agency that gets you placed on a temp basis?

If you are working with a recruiter, you are most-likely getting the “you’re second on the list” comments because of economic reasons. Companies have to pay recruiters a percentage of the salary over and above what you are paid. So, if a company has found someone equally qualified, it’s cheaper to hire the direct connection.

Someone else made a great point about networking. Reach out and meet people, and eventually a job will follow. If nothing else, more time socializing will help reduce your stress.

Not sure about the economy where you are, but many companies are slowing growth, so finding a job right now can be very difficult.

 

[HeWillProvide]

*when will the Church lighten up on sex and start teaching that it really is a good thing within marriage? *

When has the Church said otherwise? This is a false stereotype to have about the Church today.

 

[goodcatholicman]

The thing that breaks my heart though, is that when we were passionate, we couldn’t so anything because we were abstaining! And now that we could do something, it’s like God flipped off the light switch as soon as we said “I do.” My husband blames himself, I feel like an unattarctive wife, and I feel like (And I suspect my husband does too) that we got ourselves trapped in a passionless marriage, and we feel misled because things were so hot and heavy when we were dating but literally died on our wedding day. I can p(name removed by moderator)oint EXACTLY when it happened.

Is this common for newlyweds? Does it come back? ever?

It’s hard to recreate the situations where we got passionate because…there was nothing special. I lived an hour away. He would come pick me up on friday nights to spend the weekends with him (and my friends, I stayed with them) and usually when he picked me up, as soon as we saw each other we were crazy about each other. We never really did anything special, nothing that we don’t do now, we don’t have kids, and we still have our date nights. but…nothing:shrug:

I’m crying as I write this because it feels so unfair. I’m at a total loss. I still feel the ooshy-gooshy “I love you” feelings that have always been there. The baby talk doesn’t cease. We are cuddlers to the extreme, and we are always hugging and cuddling and kissing, and more often than not we shower together (sorry if it’s TMI, but obviously nothing is happening here anyway…) but…the sexuality is…gone. I mean, we still do it, but it so…blah. you know? I mean, it’s good, but it’s nothing like we used to have. We’ve only been married 6 months. You’d think we’d still have passion. But…we’ve been married 6 months, you’d think the newness jitters or something would wear off by now.

That is so sweet! No, you are not alone, far from it. This is something that will subsist throughout your marriage. When things are good, sex is 5 percent of the marriage but when things are bad (for whatever reason) sex is 95 percent of the relationship. For some, the sex is good but the cuddling and gooshy stuff fades away. Don’t try so hard or think about it so much. Just love your husband and enjoy your time together. Don’t put so much pressure on each other. Just relax and trust me, things will improve

 

[anna1978]

OP: How long ago is your anorexia? Because if you still have ‘digestion problems’ and ‘loss of appetite’…you might need to get that looked at, before you slip down again. No sex-drive is also very anorexic, so if you feel you’re starting to go ‘down that road again’, get help. It can TAKE YEARS to fully get over anorexia, it’s not like you put on some weight, wave a magic wand and you’re fine. I’ve had eating disorders since before the age of 10, and I’m 36 now. I go through long periods were I’m okay, but no sex-drive, loss of appetite (or sudden increase) and digestion problems are BIG red flags for me…just a thought! Look after yourself!!!

Anna x

 

[Delphinus85]

OP: How long ago is your anorexia? Because if you still have ‘digestion problems’ and ‘loss of appetite’…you might need to get that looked at, before you slip down again. No sex-drive is also very anorexic, so if you feel you’re starting to go ‘down that road again’, get help. It can TAKE YEARS to fully get over anorexia, it’s not like you put on some weight, wave a magic wand and you’re fine. I’ve had eating disorders since before the age of 10, and I’m 36 now. I go through long periods were I’m okay, but no sex-drive, loss of appetite (or sudden increase) and digestion problems are BIG red flags for me…just a thought! Look after yourself!!!

Anna x

i hit my lowest weight 5 years ago, and started eating healthy again about a year after that.

 

[sdeco]

It’s kind of like “hey, you wanna?” “yeah sure…” “okay…””

Don’t worry - it’s like this for my husband and I a lot of the time too. Like 1ke said, sex isn’t always like the movies. I think it’s ok for it to be ho-hum sometimes as long as you make an effort to be more romantic/sexy at least some of the time. You do have to make an effort for sex to be more exciting – it rarely happens out of the blue. Make some time for a special “date night,” even if you just stay in and eat by candlelight. Have a bottle of wine – that helps.

I think there’s a lot of things going on here. First of all, it takes time to get “good at” sex and to figure out how to please each other. You can’t expect it to be great right away. When we first got married I had vaginismus (painful sex). It was pretty awful. Now, though, I climax almost every time (sorry for the TMI!). I would give yourselves a break and just relax and take it slow.

Also, I’m sure the stress you’ve been under has a lot to do with it. Maybe you could see a counselor or priest about how to better manage stress?

I know ABC can lower your sex drive also. I actually seriously doubt you have to be on ABC for “medical reasons.” 90% of the time, when doctors prescribe the Pill for “medical reasons” it just covers up whatever problem you’re having instead of treating the underlying cause. Maybe you could see an NFP-only doctor. You can find some here: omsoul.com/nfp-only.php.

Also, Marilyn Shannon’s book Fertility, Cycles and Nutrition has a lot of nutritional advice for problems like stress and low sex drive. You can get it through the Couple to Couple League.

Good luck to you!

 

[anna1978]

i hit my lowest weight 5 years ago, and started eating healthy again about a year after that.

Well, keep an eye on it…anorexia, I was told waaaayyy back anyway, is as much as ‘mental’ as a ‘physical’ disease and those things you mentioned could be, maybe not, be a sign that you’re over-stressed and your body goes ‘ok, I want to stop eating now’…which you need to be careful with, as you know. Unlike me, you seem to have recovered well and fast, but if you show any signs of ‘loss of appetite’ and complete loss of sex-drive, it may not be such a bad idea to take a closer look at what’s bothering/stressing you and find ways of improving it! In my experience, it never goes away completely, as it is a ‘coping mechanism’, just a bad one…

Sounds like you’ve got a really nice dh though, who cares so much he’s willing to take a financial cut if it means you feel better…trust me, that’s pretty special!

As for your sex-life, I’m sure from reading your posts, that once everything else sorts itself out, this part of your life will too

Anna x

 

[Annibc]

Dear Delphinus
I think I understand what you are going thru. Before I got married sex was the most interesting thing in the world. We did not even manage to wait, our passions were too wild. But on the wedding night… I felt like … it was the most boring sex I had had. It stayed like that for a while. But now we are fine. Though I always thought I missed out on a great deal by not being able to wait, I have seen that the problem we faced, getting excited was not rare.

 

[Delphinus85]

I know ABC can lower your sex drive also. I actually seriously doubt you have to be on ABC for “medical reasons.” 90% of the time, when doctors prescribe the Pill for “medical reasons” it just covers up whatever problem you’re having instead of treating the underlying cause. Maybe you could see an NFP-only doctor. You can find some here: omsoul.com/nfp-only.php.

Not to be grumpy, but I hate comments like this. I doubt anyone on here is a licenced practitioner, and I really don’t like the judgements. The pope said himself that it’s acceptable for medical and therapeutical reasons. People should be able to get the medical treatment they need without getting put down for it.

Thanks for the other advice though.

 

[kevinsgirl]

Delphinus,

I’ve been married about as long as you, and my married love life has definitely had both the passionate and the less passionate loving…

One thing I read somewhere that really helped me when I started feeling upset about the less passionate times was this:

If you feel that your marriage is lacking passion, chances are you’re in a pretty boring rut yourself.

Now this obviously doesn’t apply in unhealthy, extreme cases or in situations where your spouse isn’t being faithful or has a health related low sex drive, etc., but I found it was pretty much true for myself.

Some days I’d just start thinking about how DH hadn’t brought me flowers recently, or hadn’t just been spontaneous, or something like that. But I have a wonderful laid back husband and one of the reasons I love him is because he’s happy with the simplest things and loves me just as I am. So instead of turning one of his strengths against him, I started trying to turn my desire for more passion at the moment into something in my control. I want a sexy evening? Then I initiate a romantic night. I want him to initate? Then I just tease… Yes, you’ll find that this doesn’t always work perfectly, but it is significantly better than just sitting around feeling unattractive because your husband isn’t acting as romantically as you want him to at the moment.

And one more thing…yes, sex can be overrated and it’s easy to get disillusioned at first. But what is underrated is how wonderful it is after you’ve been married awhile…

God bless ya’ll…

kevinsgirl

 

[Delphinus85]

Delphinus,

I’ve been married about as long as you, and my married love life has definitely had both the passionate and the less passionate loving…

One thing I read somewhere that really helped me when I started feeling upset about the less passionate times was this:

If you feel that your marriage is lacking passion, chances are you’re in a pretty boring rut yourself.

Now this obviously doesn’t apply in unhealthy, extreme cases or in situations where your spouse isn’t being faithful or has a health related low sex drive, etc., but I found it was pretty much true for myself.

Some days I’d just start thinking about how DH hadn’t brought me flowers recently, or hadn’t just been spontaneous, or something like that. But I have a wonderful laid back husband and one of the reasons I love him is because he’s happy with the simplest things and loves me just as I am. So instead of turning one of his strengths against him, I started trying to turn my desire for more passion at the moment into something in my control. I want a sexy evening? Then I initiate a romantic night. I want him to initate? Then I just tease… Yes, you’ll find that this doesn’t always work perfectly, but it is significantly better than just sitting around feeling unattractive because your husband isn’t acting as romantically as you want him to at the moment.

And one more thing…yes, sex can be overrated and it’s easy to get disillusioned at first. But what is underrated is how wonderful it is after you’ve been married awhile…

God bless ya’ll…

kevinsgirl

this is awesome. My hubby and I actually had a fun experience the other night (no, not THAT kind )

We had a really big disagreement. The biggest in our marriage so far. I don’t think I can really call it a fight, because we’ve never really “fought” we just get mad at each other, cool off, then talk it out. It seems weird, but even though emotions run high because he is so laid back and I am so non-confrontational, they never turn into shouting matches or even anything that would seem heated to an outside viewer. At any rate, it was the biggest disagreement so far. We spent a good 3 hours talking about it, and when all was said and done we’ve been moore oogy after each other than ever before! Things even got a little “heated” but…thanks to a yeast infection we couldn’t do ANYTHING. I am still waiting for it to pass. grrrr LOL

Has anyone else noticed that? Fights or in our case, disagreements, when battled out usually end very, very, VERY well for the marriage? hehehe

 

[thomasf]

Here’s what I have to offer. I have been with my now-wife for 10 + years and the fact is, sometimes there just isn’t a whole lotta passion. Sometimes it’s just “you wanna?” “yeah, I guess so.” And from what I can tell, that’s common. I don’t know about newleyweds, I can’t help there. But passion comes and goes. True love is what keeps you with the other person, and sometimes true love isn’t firey and volatile. Sometimes true love is recognizing the beauty in your wife even when she’s not having a great hair day or doesn’t have makeup on, or when she’s being a great wife or mother. True love isn’t always hot and heavy, but true love endures.

We were watching a movie tonight were there was a sex scene where the couple were throwing each other around and making a bunch of noise and being loud and demonstrative. We both looked at each other and laughed. That’s the movies, it ain’t real life.