NFP and my huband. What is he thinking with?

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You have some bigger issues in your marriage than NFP.
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RCCDefender:
I don’t feel like he trusts me; I have never felt like he completely trusted me.
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I have a feeling there is even more than you’ve told us this far. It is easy for us to sit on a discussion board and judge your husband is wrong. That will not fix the real problem.

If you don’t feel he trusts you, how can you trust him in return? Trust, like respect is mutual.

You need to fix the trust issue before you will ever resolve the NFP question.
 
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jess7396:
I will pray with you.

For now, take him up on the NFP combined with condoms idea, he will learn a lot during the class, my dh did. When all hope seems lost- PRAY!
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I’d like to add that you are not culpable for his sin of using the condom. The apologists on this forum have weighed in on this issue, and it is indeed permissible for you to continue to have relations with your husband even if he insists upon using the condom. Your only obligation is to remind him periodically that it is wrong, and you would greatly prefer he stop. You will have no need to go to confession for his sin.
 
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SemperJase:
You have some bigger issues in your marriage than NFP.

I have a feeling there is even more than you’ve told us this far. It is easy for us to sit on a discussion board and judge your husband is wrong. That will not fix the real problem.

If you don’t feel he trusts you, how can you trust him in return? Trust, like respect is mutual.

You need to fix the trust issue before you will ever resolve the NFP question.
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I think a lot of his trust issue has to do with his ex-wife and why she is his ex. I don’t have any doubt in his faithfulness but wonder how much doubt he has in mine (even though he says he trusts me). He says he used to have a trust issue but not any more (which, I guess, I don’t trust this statement because of his actions).
 
Dear R.C.C. defender,
God bless you , for your humility and persevearnce with this issue , esp. for being so totally unselfish - not one ounce of how this is also a lot of sacrifice from you since probably it is the woman who ends up being really sacrificial - for many a woman the only time she really enjoys sex is the fertile time …
May be one day , sitting in heaven, these days would be almost like the romandays of martyrdom except no fellow Christian sympathetic ( visible ) crowds - but the Lord , the heaven …and the Power of the promises …that come with you learning to be people of real virtue and character …and that is priceless, better than being any national football champ…
Now , there might be another little element that could make this a little easier on both …you have probably heard of pheromones …and the way God has it, you are both likely even more mutually attracted during the fertile times …and if our systems are somehow stressed out it might be harder to resist.
Our diets can have a lot of impact … not wanting to go into too much explanation, it might be worth a try to have a diet that is very low in dairy and carbs ( avoid milk, cheese , icecream, bread , cereal , juices, softdrinks etc;) and repalce it with plenty of legumes ,( and water - even your own flavored water by adding a pinch of juice to water ) legumes - dry beans of all sorts , are the healthiest food group for us (’ God gave them all seed bearing plants ’ we read in Gen…) they being rich in Calcium and magnesium and protien , fiber etc , has a calming effect …and might make it easier to tide over the cry of the flesh …and also eucharistic adoration …hope he too would realise that it can bring in the kind of peace and feeling loved …that no other source can …then may be offer it up for the priests too…
God bless !
 
as a man I can say that sometimes it can be frustrating, however he should not be a jerk about it. I would suggest a theology of the body tape for your husband. It may open him up to what a real sexuallity should be like. Deacon bob mcdonald also has some real in- your- face type audio tapes. They put me in my place.
 
Hi RCC Defender,
I read your thread, and I thought I was reading my own life. I am also experiencing the same situation! I feel your sadness, pain, and frustration. My husband and I got married a year ago, and he also agreed to NFP. However, for the last couple months, things have really started to blow up. He is not happy because he feels that we should be sexually close on a daily basis. He says that on the days that we cannot do anything, we can do “other things” instead. (Yes, the same “other things” you’re referring to). I have told him numerous times that we can’t because these are wrong and mortal sins. He doesn’t see it this way. I have also been accused of being too religious, and always putting God first. I did buy Christopher West’s book, “The Good News about Sex and Marriage,” hoping that somehow he would see the light. My hubby did take a look at it, but unfortunately he wasn’t enlightened like I was hoping he would be. This is really taking its toll on our marriage. He even has made reference to possibly splitting up because “he doesn’t want to be unhappy for the rest of his life.” We have had so many fights over this. In fact, we even saw a Catholic therapist last weekend (but I think it actually made matters worse because the therapist didn’t tell him that these “other things” were morally right.) I have cried and prayed and cried and prayed. I love my husband dearly, but I can’t go to hell for him. One thing I have realized is that we have to be true to our beliefs. I know that no matter how horrible the situation, God blesses you and takes care of you when you do the right thing. Another awesome book that I read is “For Better…Forever,” by Gregory Popcak. The one point that made an impression on me in this book is that we must look at our role as a spouse as, “possibly the only chance that our husband has at getting into heaven.” With that in mind, it is our duty to show them the right way. I hope and pray that somehow my husband will see the truth and that we can make it through this issue. I have been praying to Saint Rita in the hopes that maybe she can help in converting my husband (even if it does take a miracle). You should check out the web-site ivory.lm.com/~strita/strita.html#Novena. It gives me hope. I hope that Mary’s intercession will help as well. I feel that right now, the only thing I can do is pray. I also will be praying for you, knowing that there’s someone else out there who’s going through the same situation as me. God Bless and hang in there!!
 
Oh he knows you’re right, but sometimes when you do the right thing you come to full knowledge how wrong you were before hand. Now that I practice NFP, my stomach turns just thinking everything I did in the past. Ingorance was bliss, and he is struggling with reality.

Marriage isn’t signing up to be someone’s sex slave, and your husband doesn’t understand that is what he is asking you to do being on ABC and available to him whenever he demands. Your husband is really a nice guy, who just had his entire life a healthy dose of media that you should be having sex however whenever and the burden of birth control is on the women?

As for doing other things, it only makes things worst because it sexually frustrates your partner.

I would write him a love letter explaining your reasoning.
 
Dear RCC Defender,

My heart aches for you in your situation. Continue to pray and ask for the grace to be strong and true to your beliefs and the teachings of the church. Also pray for your husband. The devil has hold of him and his senses right now, but continue in your prayers. Don’t forget to ask for the Blessed Mother’s help. All grace comes through her. Give this to Mary and She will see it through for you. She will obtain the grace you and your husband need.

I was in a similar situation with my ex-wife. We agreed before our marriage that she could stay on the pill, but then begin NFP after we were married. We had attended an informational meeting when we were engaged. We discussed it at length, and even though she didn’t fully “buy” into it, I was happy that we were at least discussing it and it was open for consideration. After we were married, however, her “openess” somehow lost its way and she refused to stop the pill right away as promised and agreed. After a little over a year of marriage and her continuing to use the pill I broached the subject with her. She was immediately defensive and told me how I was taking this too far, we couldn’t “afford” children and the usual “excuses”.After a weekend of discussion and some arguing, I told her that as long as she used the pill, I could not in good conscience continue to have sex. At first I know she thought I was bluffing, but 3-1/2 years later, we were divorced. We never had sex after that weekend. I just want you to know there is someone out there that understands how you feel and the situation you are in.

May God bless you, never stop praying, and no matter what happens always be ready to love,

spiritonfire+
 
Tell your husband that I said his job as a husband is to protect you and cherish you, not force you into doing things that are immoral.

🙂

– Mark L. Chance.
 
Working girl:
Hi RCC Defender,
I read your thread, and I thought I was reading my own life. I am also experiencing the same situation! I feel your sadness, pain, and frustration.
PLEASE HAVE HIM EVALUATED FOR MEDICAL DISORDERS -ESP. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER ; EVEN SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS A STREP INFECTION CAN TRIGGER THIS …AND A COURSE OF ANTIBIOTICS ALONE SOMETIMES CAN HELP…
THERE ARE OTHER LONGTERM TREATMENTS ALSO; INCLUDING HOLISTIC ONES …
MAY HE BE HUMBLE ENOUGH TO KNOW - ONE LITTLE ACCIDENT AND PARALYSIS FOR THE REST OF LIFE CAN ALSO BE VERY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATING …DO NOT MOCK GOD …YOU HAVE A SAINTLY WIFE …IF YOU FEEL INFERIOR, MAY YOU KNOW -YOU ARE VERY MUCH LOVED BY GOD …WOULD OFFER UP FASTING FOR YOU… MAY THE EVIL HOLD OF IDOLATRY ,- THAT LIFE IS FOR PLEASURE- BE BROKEN …THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE TRUE JOY OF REAL LOVE - NOT ONE OF USING OTHERS WITHOUT REGARD FOR THIER INNATE DIGNITY AND DESTINY FOR HEAVEN… A BIBLE STUDY COURSE ESP . FOR HIM OR EVEN READING THE WORD TOGETHER , WITH GOOD SOURCE OF INTERPRETATION , WOULD BE CRITICAL HELP…- HELPING HIM TO BECOME THE PRIEST IN THE HOUSE, AND GIVE HIM THE SENSE OF DIGNITY AND A POWERFUL WEAPON AGAINST SATAN … THE RIGHTFUL FEAR OF THE LORD , FROM READING TIME AND AGAIN ABOUT CONSEQUENCES .OR.THE JOY OF VICTORY
AND ONE DAY YOU BOTH COULD BE WONDERFUL HELP FOR MANY :o
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vluvski:
I’d like to add that you are not culpable for his sin of using the condom. The apologists on this forum have weighed in on this issue, and it is indeed permissible for you to continue to have relations with your husband even if he insists upon using the condom. Your only obligation is to remind him periodically that it is wrong, and you would greatly prefer he stop. You will have no need to go to confession for his sin.
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I thought this too. Someone comment on this. I was under the impression that if the nonbelieving partner uses birth control then the Catholic spouse is not commiting a sin by engaging in sex with them.
 
“Give me children or I shall die” - that was the cry of Rachel, from envy for her sister’s blessing of children , in The Old Testament .

In our Kingdom of The new Covenant, where The Lord , asThe King of our hearts , with The Power to transform everything - has sanctified and overcome traits of our fallen nature …

All these struggles of married couples around issue of children might be - the cry of The Church or even each other , indirectly 'give me children ’ - so that the couples can die to their selfcenterdness, idolatry of being their own minigods , with its lie that they are in charge and control …and instead ,learn to totally trust in God …after all, we do… every second , with every cell of our body ,that they be obediant - for all it takes is one cell to be rebellious ,mulitply on its own , and we can have cancer …and so on.
.Every child in the womb ,each of us - knitted under His watchful eyes …so what is all this planning and control about anyway ?One of the fascinating things seen with teen pregnancy is -when the mother is allowed to give birth, ( and if the father is also supported and not ostracised) pretty soon , there is often a magnifiecent transformation in their personalities - they become ‘mature’ , not selfish, arrogant …whereas the girls who have been unfortunately sent the way of birthcontrol, pretty soon , a noticable trashy , brassy demeaning, almost satanic transfromation in their personalities too…
A baby is God’s Mercy, esp. in such circumstances , it helps the parents to become unselfish …more divine … :clapping:
 
In reading more of the posts, I can’t help but be reminded that we are in the middle of a war…a war for souls. It seems in this day and age there are few instances of a happy medium. Our society goes extreme either one way or the other. Is it to show that the issue is truly black and white, dark vs. light, good vs. evil? Jesus said you are either for me or against me. He did not leave any middle ground to stand on. There is no grey. Just as He spoke of if you love me you will keep my commandments and those who don’t love the darkness, does it come down to what we love more, the Light or the dark?

Yes, we must choose, and with any choice there are consequences along the way. If we choose the Light over the dark, we may lose friends along the way, we may even lose a spouse along the way, but what will we gain? Eternity with God can not be measured. Marriages are supposed to be a cooperation in attaining for the other spouse their eternal salvation. We are to help each other to that end. If a marriage is not working to that end, but a constant battle of division, how can it be expected to survive? Just like God can not directly influence our free will, neither can we influence the free will of our spouse. We can not force them to cooperate. It must come from them. I empathize with everyone whose post I have read and I pray that we will all choose the Light instead of the dark.

Being First Saturday of the month, you will all be in my prayers to Our Blessed Mother and especially your spouses, to accept the grace available to you in your marriages and be joyful cooperators in living for the ultimate end, which is truly the beginning of our eternity and the completion of God’s joy for all of us.

spiritonfire+
 
Right on, spirit on fire!The sad part is many who are struggling might have walked into the snares of the evil one unwittingly…

As you probably know , pagan religions , just like in the old biblical days , make a god out of sexuality ( and money …and so on ). Instead of being at the service of our divine nature, to help to strenghten and sanctify relations , it becomes something that enslaves and starves …like salt water…
In our culture, these pagan gods might have come in to homes , hearts and lives in many ways - reading horoscope, being in pagan worship places , ceremonies , having the pictures of for example certain hindu gods in homes - even the elephant, considered a cultural emblem , has worship meanings ( and surprisingly, book of Maccabbees describe the careful use of these elephants, in a war against the jews - and the jewish leader is killed by an elephant …not that elephants are bad - but even as art since hindu culture and faith are pretty much one, many a time, there has been invocation of pagan spirits, into what appear as art …
Any type of sacrilege against The Eucharist - (www.ewtn gives good details on same ) all to be looked into…
And the reward - that sense of selfworth and priceless dignity of being a person of honor and truth and the peace and power that come with being a friend of The TRUE GOD and Father…( Any who has seen Ed Bolduc can sense the aura of what a real and holy man -even a lay person can be) :o and even without a word , others can sense it …is the use of condoms and the shame that is going to seep in , to make you feel like a worm - is it worth it ?
 
I just wanted to add… I see others mentioned the fact that she is not culpable for her husband’s sin if he uses a condom. Being in a somewhat similar situation, I have looked into this pretty extensiviely.

This is my own feelings only, so I’m not sure if anyone else would relate, but even though I know I would not be culpable of sin in this situation, I still would not feel right engaging in relations under these circumstances.

A- I am concerned about my husband’s soul. Even if he doesn’t think it’s a sin, it is, and I don’t want him to do something to harm his soul.

B- I would feel used. If he can’t love me while going a week without sex, he doesn’t really love me. He knows my feelings about this, so he says he couldn’t force the issue and make me feel used. It’s a touchy subject with us, though, no doubt. Since I became Catholic and we started using NFP, we have added 2 more children (who are 15 mo. apart) and now I am pregnant with #4. Right now he says that he will “do what he has to do” to keep from having more… I still have 4 months until the baby is born to pray pray pray!

NFP is very very difficult for a couple when both are not on the same page.
 
Do the nfp classes give concrete suggestions on how to make it easier and richer , to practice chastity …

Do they remind each other that they have sworn an oath , in front of heaven ,to be true to each other, to uphold the teachings of The church and the dignity of each other…and every act/plan to break that oath make them a liar …
That everytime they receive communion, again that oath is sworn " I accept everything the Church believes - and am in full communion with The Church…" Do they expect to go to The Father, if they have blatantly lied, and expect to ask Him to give the daily bread, deliver from evil, that His name be honored …His will be done …to be forgiven if no intent even to admit wrong , let alone repent …

Anyone who do not care much about something that should be sacred - is not the message how cheap that person is …

How about special’ couple praydates ', that include more touch …such as the husband/ wife taking turns , for example - putting hands on each other’s heads , ask for the infilling of The Holy Spirit …
then eyes , face etc; - with of course enough revernce, and nothing sacrligious …
Also start a wonderful charitable donation program , in thanksgiving ,for everyday of the gift of selfcontrol and send it off - to Mo. Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity…FR. Ho Lung’s Missionaries of the Poor and so on and see yourself one day with all the saints you been able to help …Selfcenterdness / pride - that I am entitled to this , is at the root of many problems and it is sweet to taste how a little donation can chop it down :o
help us to have the joy of being grateful - everthing including the awesome gift of life and sexuality, each other , are all gifts …to be used with revernce , prudence …
 
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aterrell:
Since I became Catholic and we started using NFP, we have added 2 more children (who are 15 mo. apart) and now I am pregnant with #4.
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Can you clarify, it sounds like you got pregnant while using NFP to avoid it. Is that correct?
 
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aterrell:
NFP is very very difficult for a couple when both are not on the same page.
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Amen to that! I am in a similar situation, and I will keep your husbands in my prayers when I pray for mine. I am fortunate I suppose in that NFP has never been up for discussion in my marriage. We were both Catholic and on the same page when we got married. I made it abundently clear that I would never use abc, and DH can’t argue because he knew that before we got married. However, his faith has since lapsed and now he complains a lot that we should be doing “other things” during the fertile time. I participated for a long while, but recently I began to feel that it is simply not right and I’ve stopped. I get a lot of ‘what, don’t you love me? If you loved me, you’d want to be close to me.You don’t know what it is like to be a man, etc, etc.’ It is very difficult, but I am sick of feeling like I am his sex toy and I’ve put my foot down. I keep praying, and I think we may be closing in on a middle ground (less complaints from him during the fertile time, more openness from me during the non-fertile times), but it has been a rough road to travel.
 
Hi,
Oh boy! I know a lot of women in your situation. may I reccomend a book? It’s called “how to change your husband” by a friend of madjagory (I have NO idea how to spell that!). Anyway, it’s a great book for women in your situation. If you have a devotion to our Blessed Mother, than you’ll really like it.
 
Dear Maryalene,

Remember reading that book yaers ago and might have forgotten some points …
( this in case people have trouble locating it )

Believe it is mostly how respect for the husband and the art of being submissive is critical in marraige …that in many instances , the husband has that special anointing that comes from The Lord , as head of the family , to make decision , when they are difficult …(esp. things of a temporal nature - money etc: , even though as it says elsewhere , it is far better to be of one mind. .)
When the wife has been obediant to the Word, through her submission, that things would work out whereas when she usurps that role, even with good intentions, things can go wrong .
( And the responsibillity to pray for the husband to always be filled with The HolySpirit …)
.
Yet, when it comes to abc and a sinful situation, would it not be that she has to be faithful to The Lord , even at the risk of facing the cross/persecutions .,
Now , true , if and when their relationshiop is good , through the wife helping the husband in the most important virtue of humility, by herself being humble ( as to The Lord ) , other issues might be removed - like the mountains that can be cast off …
Another wonderful ( and FREE ) book - online ( and very funny )
is one at the www.ewtn.com site , in their doc. library under search word - ‘humility’ , with the title -The Wife desired …
Often , it seem like the struggle is between the role of fallen Eve - where she is told that "he shall rule over you and yet your yearning shall be for your husband " to the role of the New Eve , to again be a wise , loving , helpmate for the husband , esp. in holiness …since her yearning too now would be more for holiness , for both …and the dignity is restored …

.
 
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