NFP Is A Burden

  • Thread starter Thread starter keith2002
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Continued:

Bob, I am sorry that you didn’t do those things before in your marriage or to the degree that you do them now and that you didn’t cherish your wife as a whole person. How do you explain people who do those things and do/did cherish their wife as a whole person without NFP. Are you saying that only using NFP that this state of being you descibe can be achieved?
 
Thanks to all who have responded thus far to this very honest and difficult question. For what its worth, I can share my experience and advice. When my wife and I finally decided to accept the church’s teaching on this issue (after 10 years of contracepting), we did so purely out of obedience to the church’s teaching. We were both not at all sold on the “hype” that NFP was the greatest thing that could happen in a marriage. We struggled with the same frustrations that others have shared. Yes, it was a burden. Yes, we struggled with “forced abstinance”. We also struggled with our understanding of how to interpret fertility (continuous mucus, etc).

But is wasn’t until some long very deep-seated selfiish desires were finally rooted out that we began to experience the true beauty of following Gods plan. In short, I held on to a selfish desire for pleasure (even though I did not recognize this), my wife saw this and resented it (even though she could not recognize where these negative feelings were coming from). Following the birth of our 5th child (child #2 while using NFP), we decided that complete abstinance was required until we were ready for another baby. During this period, after tremendous personal struggle, through LOTS of prayer, I began to recognize my selfishness. While it did not happen overnight, gradually God granted me the grace to move beyond this selfishness. In short, I was no longer controlled by my physical desires. I was finally able to give myself to my wife with a more pure love, desiring only to please her, not me. The response from her was the same. Now, abstinance, if required, is no longer a burden.

Yes, it is possible to enjoy this true joy, to experience everything that using NFP has been hyped up to. And yes, it is truly incredible. If you are stuggling with the “burdens of NFP” I definitely sympathize with you. I encourage you to look closely at
yourself and try to see if any and how much selfishness is there. Look there first before looking to change your spouse’s attitude. Pray. Pray . Pray. Change may not occur overnight.

Sacrifice is a burden. Done with love, it is made bearable. Done with pure love, it is a joy…

God bless!
 
Or maybe (as someone mentioned above) this is a sign from God that you are ready for another baby. There can be something wonderful in surrendering your will to His. Perhaps, He is calling you to let Him decide when the next baby will come.

Remember, NFP is a remedy. It is a wonderful gift for those times when it is truly needed. It is NOT always needed.
 
smoke boy- i catch you. I dont have my husband charting for me or involved in ways that literature recommends?
I’ll have to work on that song. Maybe I could make a little extra money on the side if teaching couples would use it as an anthem.haha
You are right though as I said before that I dont think NFP is all rosey and there are a lot of pressures on NFPers to not present their use of NFP as anything but sunny and wonderful. I hope everyone will seek answers to their concerns regarding nfp use!
-k
 
Smoke Boy:
Continued:

Bob, I am sorry that you didn’t do those things before in your marriage or to the degree that you do them now and that you didn’t cherish your wife as a whole person. How do you explain people who do those things and do/did cherish their wife as a whole person without NFP. Are you saying that only using NFP that this state of being you descibe can be achieved?
Click to expand...
Smoke boy,

I honestly can say I did NOT cherish my wife as I do now. It was a process that had to be worked through and am happy to here that you have not had to deal with this. It was painful, not only for me, but most importantly for my wife. As Dr. Paul stated, I WAS selfish, and not seeking that fullness my wife deserved. I was young and did not know how to achieve that level of union, but now I do, through NFP. NFP is NOT the only way to achieve that fullness, but, if you are seeking ways to postpone pregnancy, and want to be in full union with the Catholic Church, you basically have 1 choice, Abstainance during fertility. And one of the by-products of following NFP is this deep love and understanding of your wife/husband. Is that not why you are on this thread, to find out what it is about? It seems I have upset you and for that, I am sorry. Please accept my apologies for that.😦 I just wanted you to know that the blah, blah, blah is so much more than just those 3 words.

In Christ,

Bob
 
Try Christopher West’s website! He is exelent about teaching the Theology of the Body which is where NFP stems from. He has audio on his website either to listen to or to purchase.

www.christopherwest.com
 
The fact that NFP is a burden for some people does not automatically mean it is a burden for all, nor does the fact that it is a joy and a factor in increased closeness for some people mean that it is a joy for all.

Best to all of you!
 
Bob- You have been very generous with your remarks. Ypur candid replies have been helpful in flushing out real discussion on this topic.

No need to apologise, Bob. You did not upset me. My remarks may have been pointed and somewhat cold, but only to make a point and with no intention to humiliate or embarrass you or anyone else. I feel strongly that all of this glamourization of NFP is not helpful. I appreciate your thoughts and your willingness to engage in this debate. You seem like a fine man and I wish you and your family the best.

-Where there is smoke(boy) there is fire(mnbob). ha, ha.
 
40.png
Ham1:
NFP is great. It is a wonderful gift from God…

And it IS a burden.

NFP is tough and puts strains on relationships. Certainly nowhere near the strain put on a marriage by contraception. Ideally, it would be great if we could all just leave everything in the hands of God and He would send us babies every 3 years, and it would be easy to handle, and we would have plenty of money. But, Nature doesn’t work perfectly so sometimes we have to make use of NFP. It’s unfortunate and difficult, but at the same time, it is a gift and an opportunity to grow closer to God.
Click to expand...
I agree. To elaborate on Ham’s point: Contracepting presents other burdens that are just as difficult. There is always something or someone to blame if it “fails”, some women get to feeling like objects, the subtraction of prayer from one’s sexualit and fertility on the whole, etc etc etc.

Contraception creates myriad marital problems – the statistics speak for themselves. Let’s be careful not to romanticize contraception, as if its use adds this dazzling, romantic element to our marriages. It doesn’t.

~kari

AMDG
 
This has been a very interesting thread. It is probably true that romanticizing either way is not a good idea.

I do know of some couples who started out feeling very much burdened by NFP but said that after several years went by they realized how good it had been for their marriage.

Personally, I am in the opposite boat. We used b/c for years and I look back and feel like it really hurt our marriage in a lot of ways. It is impossible to know when you are in the midst of the struggle how you will feel in 5 or 10 years. I think this is where trust comes in. Based on my experience of regretting the use of b/c, I would urge those struggling to try and trust. I only wished I had figured it out sooner.

God Bless, Nicole
 
40.png
Ham1:
Or maybe (as someone mentioned above) this is a sign from God that you are ready for another baby. There can be something wonderful in surrendering your will to His. Perhaps, He is calling you to let Him decide when the next baby will come.

Remember, NFP is a remedy. It is a wonderful gift for those times when it is truly needed. It is NOT always needed.
Click to expand...
Our experience has been quite similar. We, as a society, have come to view sex as an entitlement rather than a gift to be shared. I think that we become focused on our own pleasure that we forget that we are to give rather than receive. If both are giving fully of themselves, the experience is like no other.

Yes, NFP has drawbacks, no doubt but so does contraception, all of which have already been mentioned in this thread. However, today there is an unhealthy emphasis on sex, even within marriage. Marriage has never been, until birth control, an every night thing. IMHO, it should be a part of marrige (albeit very important and wonderful), but not the central theme.

The level of communication that NFP produces is such that will create a strong and healthy relationship, whether the lights are on or off.
 
Dr Paul:
…We struggled with the same frustrations that others have shared. Yes, it was a burden. Yes, we struggled with “forced abstinance”. We also struggled with our understanding of how to interpret fertility (continuous mucus, etc).

But is wasn’t until some long very deep-seated selfiish desires were finally rooted out that we began to experience the true beauty of following Gods plan. In short, I held on to a selfish desire for pleasure (even though I did not recognize this), my wife saw this and resented it (even though she could not recognize where these negative feelings were coming from…While it did not happen overnight, gradually God granted me the grace to move beyond this selfishness. In short, I was no longer controlled by my physical desires. I was finally able to give myself to my wife with a more pure love, desiring only to please her, not me. The response from her was the same. Now, abstinance, if required, is no longer a burden.

Yes, it is possible to enjoy this true joy, to experience everything that using NFP has been hyped up to. And yes, it is truly incredible. If you are stuggling with the “burdens of NFP” I definitely sympathize with you. I encourage you to look closely at
yourself and try to see if any and how much selfishness is there. Look there first before looking to change your spouse’s attitude. Pray. Pray . Pray. Change may not occur overnight.

Sacrifice is a burden. Done with love, it is made bearable. Done with pure love, it is a joy…

God bless!
Click to expand...
Our experience has been quite similar. We, as a society, have come to view sex as an entitlement rather than a gift to be shared. I think that we become focused on our own pleasure that we forget that we are to give rather than receive. If both are giving fully of themselves, the experience is like no other.

Yes, NFP has drawbacks, no doubt but so does contraception, all of which have already been mentioned in this thread. However, today there is an unhealthy emphasis on sex, even within marriage. Marriage has never been, until birth control, an every night thing. IMHO, it should be a part of marrige (albeit very important and wonderful), but not the central theme.

The level of communication that NFP produces is such that will create a strong and healthy relationship, whether the lights are on or off.
 
I am afraid that this post is going to sound a bit harsh, so let me apologize for that in advance! :o

It is my opinion, although I am quite sure that my husband would completely agree, that the only time one would consider NFP to be a burden is when that person is thinking selfishly.

DH and I have been using NFP for 9 years, in between 2 pregnancies in that same time period. On a daily basis, NFP is not a burden. At this time, I’m using something like the sympto-thermal method. I wake up when dh’s alarm goes off, stick a thermometer in my mouth, doze off until it beeps, and then take it out of my mouth. I look at the numbers, and then usually go back to sleep. That takes 1 minute and no energy out of my day. My charts are online at fertilityfriend.com so when I log on to check email (and visit message boards), I put my daily temp on my chart, and I’m done. It’s not any more effort than taking a pill, and it’s far less effort that using any kind of barrier method, and it’s completely moral. So any argument that NFP takes too much energy is moot, in my opinion.

The real argument that NFP is a burden usually comes from nightly activity, not daily. 😉 If someone is saying, NFP is too hard to stick to, it’s a burden, what they are really saying is–I want to have sex whenever I want to, and I don’t like having to control myself. I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but I don’t know an easier way to put it. Now, keith2002, you probably don’t want to explain it to your wife that way! Successfully using NFP means that we put the needs of our marriage above our own personal needs. I don’t buy things I want to buy, because our family budget relies on our money. I run all over creation, taking our kids to all their activities, because we have decided that those things are important. Likewise, if I happen to be feeling amorous, but am fertile that day, I put our marriage (the fact that we cannot afford to have another child right now in addition to the 5 we already have!) above my own personal wants.

My husband may be feeling amorous, knowing that I’m fertile and likely to conceive that day. That is hard to cope with, indeed. However, summoning up some self-control, he says to me–OK. I love you so much, that I am going to wait a few days for this!! (Yes, he really talks that way!) And we wait. That is a wonderful thing. Having sex any time one wants to–that is not a wonderful thing that builds a marriage.

You should look into joining the e5 men. www.e5.org I think is the website. Fasting for your wife will help her, it will help you, and the insights you get from participation in that may also build your marriage.

Again: apologies for harshness.
 
“Having sex any time one wants to–that is not a wonderful thing that builds a marriage.”
-Kristalyn

Why not?
 
Why not have sex whenever we want? First “sex” takes it out of context. Call us too romantic–but DH and I call it “going to church in bed”. God is present in this marital act and needs to be acknowledged. There will be times when one or the other will be more interested. Who will make that sacrifice? Depends–but intercourse is not always the best outcome, and can hurt the marriage in some situations if one person feels used.

Some basic notes from me: “serious” reasons to avoid pregnancy are not always as serious as thay seem.
Pregnancy always enhances our intamate lives, and is GOOD for marriage.
Resistance to NFP does point often to interior selfishness.
Marriage is what you allow God to make it by being His tool.
If you go against the teachings of the Church and contracept you Do loose grace, the ability to receive Christ and open your marriage to a difficult spiritual battle.
Popcak’s book FOR Better For Ever is a great one!
Bless All!
 
Smoke Boy said:
“Having sex any time one wants to–that is not a wonderful thing that builds a marriage.”
-Kristalyn

Why not?
Click to expand...

“The marital act anytime a couple desires it” is the way that God designed marriage and this is certainly a wonderful thing that builds a marriage. THIS is how it ought to be. IF there is some serious reason, a couple can abstain from acting anytime they feel so moved. But, this abstinence is not the norm of God’s creation. It is an exception.

I really don’t think we want to make a case that the exception (NFP) in God’s plan is actually more beneficial to marriage than the norm (non-NFP).
 
Smoke Boy said:
“Having sex any time one wants to–that is not a wonderful thing that builds a marriage.”
-Kristalyn

Why not?
Click to expand...

Probably first and foremost, it builds a false intimacy. True intimacy comes from sharing not only our bodies but our hearts and minds fully as well (or concurently).

Secondly, there are times that we must naturally abstain, i.e., at the beginning of each monthly cycle.

Sickness, injury and absence also require abstinence. These are things that are pretty much unavoidable in marriage, so if we are used to having sex on demand, they can cause quite a strain.

Don’t get me wrong…Sex is wonderful and is an essential part in building a strong marriage. It is one of the special gifts that you share with your spouse alone. Its just not the “be all and end all”. In order to be successful, to weather the ups and downs, the waves and troughs of marriage, a couple needs more than just the physical.
 
**Why not have sex whenever we want? First “sex” takes it out of context. Call us too romantic–but DH and I call it “going to church in bed”. God is present in this marital act and needs to be acknowledged. There will be times when one or the other will be more interested. Who will make that sacrifice? Depends–but intercourse is not always the best outcome, and can hurt the marriage in some situations if one person feels used.
**
How is the person being used if they make the sacrafice to “go to church in bed” for their spouse?

If married relations are “going to church in bed”, wouldn’t the practice of doing it more be advised? - lots of people go to daily Mass.

Resistance to NFP does point often to interior selfishness.

Why? Do We have to use NFP in order to abstain? If my wife says I don’t really feel like “going to Church in bed” tonight, Why can’t I say okay. Are couples who don’t use NFP automatically selfish? Why is the use of NFP associated with self control and those who don’t use it considered selfish. It seems the opposite to me. From a lot of the posts on this board concerning NFP, I could make the case that NFPers choose NFP for selfish reasons i.e. money, time, extended degrees, etc.

These ridiculous statements about selfishness remind me of the twisting of teaching regarding abortion. Abortion was always considered radical by society and children were accepted as a gift from God - modern society has flipped that on it’s head and says abortion/euthanasia are compassionate and the pro-lifers are radical. We may be close to heading down that road with NFP where it is considered compasssionate to parents to allow them carte blanche NFP and couples who don’t use it and accept children as gifts from God as radicals.
 
I’m not saying that those who don’t use NFP are selfish! Don’t jump to conclusions. 🙂

I have said that those who won’t use NFP because it’s a burden…and would rather just use artificial birth control…THOSE people are being selfish. Big difference.

Disregard NFP for a moment. Anyone who abstains at any point out of love for their spouse is indeed loving that spouse completely. If husband is in the mood, very much in the mood, and wife has had a terrible day (feels sick, feet hurt, head hurts, boss was ranting…), and that husband sets aside his physical desires for a time, and rubs her back until she falls peacefully asleep. Then he rolls over and goes to sleep himself…THAT is **selfless **love.

Husband B in the same situation, who hints and pouts about his physical desires having to be put on hold because he can’t get what he wants tonight is being selfish.

I’m not saying all couples should use NFP. I’m saying all couples ought to learn how to abstain sometimes, happily. It’s selflessness. St. Paul said the same thing.

Getting what you want any time you want it is not really what selfless love is all about.
 
I think there is a misunderstanding about what it means to not use NFP–certainly it is not selfish for a couple to accept children as God sends them, and not use NFP in the context of a marriage that is open to life–I was talking about using contaceptives. I guess in my community I’m more used to “not using NFP” meaning using some kind of contraceptives. Sorry about that.

I guess I think NFP is the Burden you make it. Jesus did promise that his burden is easy, and cross light. In the context of the eternal any opportunity to suffer and be perfected is a good thing. All of this does come out of the fallen nature of the world I guess–husbands and wives are meant to ba able to become one without restriction, I agree.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top