A
Anniebananny
Guest
Hi everybody, I’m new to the group. I am a 33-year-old mom of 3 beautiful kids. I’ve been married 5 years to my husband, whom I love dearly. We have an amazing life together, but right now we are facing one of our most challenging times yet.
First, a little background: Hubby and I have been open to life the past few years, and it shows, with 3 kids in 5 years. We’ve never had a real need to try to space our kids. Our third child was born while hubby was deployed for 10 months, and he never even met him until he was 6 months old. That was incredibly difficult, especially since we don’t live around family. I felt very lonely going through all of this without my husband, and thinking of all that he was missing. But we made it work, and even though I would have changed the timing of our son’s conception if I could, his arrival was a blessing and a joy in spite of the deployment.
Now, today, we have recently learned that my husband is deploying again in January – for either 6 months or a year, we have yet to find out. Our third child is is 13 months old now. We now have a reason to use NFP. We do not want to be having another baby while he is gone.
I got my first postpartum period only about 30 days ago. My son is still nursing a few times a day. So we are now on day 30 of this first cycle. I am charting using FertilityFriend, and I am a self-taught NFP-user. I learned from the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I am trying to apply the rules very conservatively, and because it has taken awhile to establish my BIP, this has involved a LOT of abstinence.
We sat down a couple nights ago and had an open, honest talk. He confessed to me that he feels “rejected” by me, and doesn’t think that a healthy marriage should have so much abstinence. I would agree. He feels like this is not a good way to spend the last few months before a possible year-long deployment. He resents the guilt that the Church is inflicting on us, with the requirement of no artificial birth control. (He’s a lifelong Catholic too, but was never taught the way I was that ABC is forbidden.)
I told him that it is hard for me too. I told him that sometimes I want to treat him like an “adversary” b/c he is not completely on board with NFP, and he also doesn’t share the same knowledge about it that I do from reading so much. Classes are not available where we live, even though I’ve been working on it. I want a face-to-face course, but will take the CCL’s long-distance course if we have to. I told him I know it’s wrong that I look at him like that, and almost feel like he’s trying to get me pregnant even though that’s not his intent.
Even if ABC was approved by the Church, I don’t even think I’d want to subject my body to it, but I am feeling pressured to even though he never actually said that I should. I feel so torn about it. We both know many people, both Catholic and otherwise, who use ABC. I personally find it impossible to believe that all of those good people are going to hell (especially the non-Catholics who have never been taught not to use it). But I told my husband that I don’t want to chance it for us. I sometimes feel like our faith is an unbearable burden, and that we’ve both been left to twist in the wind.
I also don’t feel it’s right that I hold all the keys to our love life. I am the one who knows all about NFP while he’s in the dark. I impose the rules because I’m the one who is still morally opposed to NFP, and although he agreed with me to practice NFP, he doesn’t really believe in it. I thought the Church also teaches that the man should be the leader of the family, but I am the one with the mysterious chart and the enforcer of rules that even I am beginning to question. Then there’s this deployment coming up. It’s all coming to a head.
I have no one to talk to about this. I’ve picked my mom’s brain about NFP, but I don’t want to share details about our marriage to her. I am glad to have a place where I can be anonymous, and I’m bracing myself for honest answers. Any advice would be appreciated.
First, a little background: Hubby and I have been open to life the past few years, and it shows, with 3 kids in 5 years. We’ve never had a real need to try to space our kids. Our third child was born while hubby was deployed for 10 months, and he never even met him until he was 6 months old. That was incredibly difficult, especially since we don’t live around family. I felt very lonely going through all of this without my husband, and thinking of all that he was missing. But we made it work, and even though I would have changed the timing of our son’s conception if I could, his arrival was a blessing and a joy in spite of the deployment.
Now, today, we have recently learned that my husband is deploying again in January – for either 6 months or a year, we have yet to find out. Our third child is is 13 months old now. We now have a reason to use NFP. We do not want to be having another baby while he is gone.
I got my first postpartum period only about 30 days ago. My son is still nursing a few times a day. So we are now on day 30 of this first cycle. I am charting using FertilityFriend, and I am a self-taught NFP-user. I learned from the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I am trying to apply the rules very conservatively, and because it has taken awhile to establish my BIP, this has involved a LOT of abstinence.
We sat down a couple nights ago and had an open, honest talk. He confessed to me that he feels “rejected” by me, and doesn’t think that a healthy marriage should have so much abstinence. I would agree. He feels like this is not a good way to spend the last few months before a possible year-long deployment. He resents the guilt that the Church is inflicting on us, with the requirement of no artificial birth control. (He’s a lifelong Catholic too, but was never taught the way I was that ABC is forbidden.)
I told him that it is hard for me too. I told him that sometimes I want to treat him like an “adversary” b/c he is not completely on board with NFP, and he also doesn’t share the same knowledge about it that I do from reading so much. Classes are not available where we live, even though I’ve been working on it. I want a face-to-face course, but will take the CCL’s long-distance course if we have to. I told him I know it’s wrong that I look at him like that, and almost feel like he’s trying to get me pregnant even though that’s not his intent.
Even if ABC was approved by the Church, I don’t even think I’d want to subject my body to it, but I am feeling pressured to even though he never actually said that I should. I feel so torn about it. We both know many people, both Catholic and otherwise, who use ABC. I personally find it impossible to believe that all of those good people are going to hell (especially the non-Catholics who have never been taught not to use it). But I told my husband that I don’t want to chance it for us. I sometimes feel like our faith is an unbearable burden, and that we’ve both been left to twist in the wind.
I also don’t feel it’s right that I hold all the keys to our love life. I am the one who knows all about NFP while he’s in the dark. I impose the rules because I’m the one who is still morally opposed to NFP, and although he agreed with me to practice NFP, he doesn’t really believe in it. I thought the Church also teaches that the man should be the leader of the family, but I am the one with the mysterious chart and the enforcer of rules that even I am beginning to question. Then there’s this deployment coming up. It’s all coming to a head.
I have no one to talk to about this. I’ve picked my mom’s brain about NFP, but I don’t want to share details about our marriage to her. I am glad to have a place where I can be anonymous, and I’m bracing myself for honest answers. Any advice would be appreciated.
