NFP Misery, Couple Looking for HELP

[Em_in_FL]

Disagree. Abstaining only 5 days prior to ovulation is NOT overly conservative. I conceived 2 pregnancies at 6 days prior, so have others I know. For peace of mind, phase 3 only is as good as it gets, 99%+ effectiveness

Rico_S:

Us too. 2 pregnancies at 6+ days prior to ovulation. I would not describe the method the op is following as overly conservative.

And, I agree that sticking to only phase 3 is the better decision. It obviously will require additional sacrifice from the husband, but perhaps provide greatly needed peace of mind for his wife.

I agree. I apologize if I made that unclear. Actually it’s impossible to do the counting beforehand anyway… it’s all about detecting symptoms as you enter into phase 2. I was saying “overly conservative” when I was referring to the 5 days AFTER… the methods dictate +3 full days of sustained, sufficient temperature rise.

 

[Rico_S]

Disagree. Abstaining only 5 days prior to ovulation is NOT overly conservative. I conceived 2 pregnancies at 6 days prior, so have others I know. For peace of mind, phase 3 only is as good as it gets, 99%+ effectiveness

Us too. 2 pregnancies at 6+ days prior to ovulation. I would not describe the method the op is following as overly conservative.

And, I agree that sticking to only phase 3 is the better decision. It obviously will require additional sacrifice from the husband, but perhaps provide greatly needed peace of mind for his wife.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Regardless of how long the abstinence is during the fertile phase, the wife’s behavior is not acceptable (regardless of whatever trauma she’s been through) to her husband.

THAT is the point I’m trying to make.
Whether they need to go to counseling or not is up to them.

 

[Rita77]

Regardless of how long the abstinence is during the fertile phase, the wife’s behavior is not acceptable (regardless of whatever trauma she’s been through) to her husband.

THAT is the point I’m trying to make.
Whether they need to go to counseling or not is up to them.

I don’t think her fear is uncommon at all with nfp users. a secular counselor would check you in as nuts for using nfp and wouldn’t understand it at all. if they want a counselor they will need a Catholic one (because Catholic’s are about the only ones that use nfp and why we use it). CSS may have one. lot of us here on CAF understand this fear and stress of pregnancy and nfp so we are a really good source for help. it is all about nfp if it worked for them they wouldn’t have a problem we are trying to help them learn to make it work better for them so they can have less fear and stress. I’m not saying we are counselors but we don’t have counselors for nfp so you have to talk to real women/ couples who understand it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Also as somebody who has become pregnant two times by having sex 6 days before ovulation, I don’t blame your wife for being really cautious there if she doesn’t want to conceive.

Not to derail the thread, but How does this happen?? I am trying to think of the mechanics of this…Egg + sperm = conception but sperm don’t live all that long…Was there a random egg release???

I am confused!

 

[Rita77]

Not to derail the thread, but How does this happen?? I am trying to think of the mechanics of this…Egg + sperm = conception but sperm don’t live all that long…Was there a random egg release???

I am confused!

here is the basics women have fertile mucus that helps sperm live (hang out) until the egg gets released. sperm can live up to six days inside. when you start a mucus patch you don’t know if you will ovulate in 5 days or in 10 days you have to wait and see.

 

[etmom]

in one of my 6 days prior to ovulation pregnancies, there was no observable fertile mucus, it appeared to be a totally dry day, no sensations either. I can only assume there MUST have been something for the sperm to live off of, but as a very experienced, long time user, I didn’t see or feel it. We now use phase III only as our situation has become more serious to postpone.

 

[etmom]

I don’t think her fear is uncommon at all with nfp users. **a secular counselor would check you in as nuts for using nfp and wouldn’t understand it at all. **if they want a counselor they will need a Catholic one (because Catholic’s are about the only ones that use nfp and why we use it). CSS may have one. lot of us here on CAF understand this fear and stress of pregnancy and nfp so we are a really good source for help. it is all about nfp if it worked for them they wouldn’t have a problem we are trying to help them learn to make it work better for them so they can have less fear and stress. I’m not saying we are counselors but we don’t have counselors for nfp so you have to talk to real women/ couples who understand it.

This totally. BTDT. And CSS “may” have counselors who are supportive of NFP, but it’s not a given, surprisingly.

 

[Rita77]

This totally. BTDT. And CSS “may” have counselors who are supportive of NFP, but it’s not a given, surprisingly.

don’t know what BTDT means?

to the counslor posters: the couple is Catholic and married they need to avoid pregnancy our only moral option as Catholics is nfp. **no counselor can help them avoid pregnancy but nfp can.**they have fear of pregnancy because nfp is hard to use. thats the core of the problem (nfp use) the couple has troubles trusting nfp and it needs to work better. will it I don’t know. but I will try to help with helpful tips.

 

[etmom]

don’t know what BTDT means?

.

Sorry, it means Been There, Done That. That’s what I encountered in grief counseling after the birth and death of our son.

 

[heart4home]

Not to derail the thread, but How does this happen?? I am trying to think of the mechanics of this…Egg + sperm = conception but sperm don’t live all that long…Was there a random egg release???

I am confused!

Sperm can live up to 7 days in fertile mucus. I’m not saying we were really trying to avoid so I didn’t worry about the tiny spec of fertile mucus I had. We happen to have been a very fertile couple in our day. Sadly it’s all but gone now:-(

At a week before I probably had a tiny spec of EWCM (the mucus that helps sperm live and get to where they are suppossed to be)

My early dating u/s matched up perfectly with the ovulation date I had and we only had sex 6 days before.

There are always those that say it is impossible, and that’s fine, but I would tell anybody who absolutely does not want to conceive to be very cautious of the period up to a week before they suspect they will ovulate.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Sperm can live up to 7 days in fertile mucus. I’m not saying we were really trying to avoid so I didn’t worry about the tiny spec of fertile mucus I had. We happen to have been a very fertile couple in our day. Sadly it’s all but gone now:-(

At a week before I probably had a tiny spec of EWCM (the mucus that helps sperm live and get to where they are suppossed to be)

My early dating u/s matched up perfectly with the ovulation date I had and we only had sex 6 days before.

There are always those that say it is impossible, and that’s fine, but I would tell anybody who absolutely does not want to conceive to be very cautious of the period up to a week before they suspect they will ovulate.

Thank you for the info! I did not know that the little guys can live that long! To me, that just says, “Yes, God DID mean for sex to create babies!!!”

I well remember that mucus. I never did NFP but as I recall I may have been at my most sexually interested when I was most … er … juicy?

Our bodies are SO AWESOMELY MADE!!!

 

[moon1234]

Hi,

I’m new here. Not really a forum person, but so desperate for help. It seems like a lot of people here know their stuff and can offer good advice, and man do we need it.

Here is our story. We married in 2004 after four years of dating. Four kids in 7 years - pregnancy just murder on my wife’s body. She says she never wants to be pregnant again. I don’t blame her, she had such bad vomiting and nausea and sciatica. With the last baby she was confined to bed and a wheelchair for 11 weeks. It seems like with her pregnancies it’s always SOMETHING. Luckily nothing life threatening, but just 9 months of anxiety, misery and sickness. Our babies have been tough. Tough to nurse, fussy sleepers. Great kids overall but I’m sure you know how draining parenting little kids is. My wife says she’s had it.

I work long hours and when I come home she’s standing there ready to give me all the kids and lock herself upstairs with a glass of wine and a magazine for an hour.

So, I get that she doesn’t ever want to be pregnant again. Honestly? I’m really happy with the family we have and I am so tired, so burned out and so BROKE. I don’t really want any more kids either. Of course we’d love anyone who came to our family - but we feel like we’re at our max.

So, NFP, right? We took a class. A good class. But my wife is so terrified of becoming pregnant that she refuses to have sex for 5 days prior to ovulation, the day of, and 5 days after. Her cycles are 27-28 days, so if you exclude her menstrual period that leaves about ten days a month for marital intimacy. Now, with four little ones, you know what that REALLY means - we’re having sex maybe two or three times a month. No good.

I can’t help it. Maybe I’m a dog but I get irritable without sex. I want to be with my wife. I feel closer to her through sex and not a whole lot else. I didn’t get married thinking I was going to have to live like a monk.

On top of that, when we do have sex, my wife gets really anxious about when I am near climax and sometimes pulls away and makes me stop. Every month, even if we follow her “rules” for sex, she obsesses about possibly being pregnant and takes multiple pregnancy tests until her period comes. A few days before her period is due, she starts getting really crazy and snapping at me. She says things like, “If I’m pregnant, I’m going to kill you!” Now, she’s not really going to kill me - but I don’t know! She says if I “get her pregnant” she will never speak to me again. And until her period comes, she’s an anxious mess. It’s bad.

But what can we do? She’s already told me she’d rather not have sex at all, but that she uses NFP so that I don’t explode and so that I keep helping out around the house (I tend to get really distant when it’s been a while.)

She’s even said, “You know, if you just went and got a vasectomy without telling me, it might be a good thing.” Honestly I’m thinking about it because this lifestyle is crazy and putting a HUGE wedge between us. She’s so terrified of becoming pregnant, and I can’t live in a sexless marriage. We can’t use birth control. So, we’re left with strict NFP that makes my wife nutty and so worried. I hate to see her like that.

I have shown her this post because I do not want to put this out there without her permission. I’m going to give her the opportunity to reply if she wants. For now, we can be “Scott and Colleen.”

Thank you.
S

It sounds like your wife’s previous pregnancy related symptoms were NOT dealt with by her doctors. Severe Nausea is dealt with by prescribing anti-emitics (Odansetron, tigen, regelen, etc.) These will in most cases eliminate the nausea. It did for my wife and she was the puking multiple times a day type of lady. The last three were puke free the whole time thanks to the meds. No harm to the kids at all. Pre-eclampsia can also be managed quite well with drugs unless it is severe.

I highly suggest your wife speak with a few different OBGYN’s. She was NOT getting good care if she was sick during the whole pregnancy.

 

[LucyLight]

I tell my husband I’ll kill him if he gets me pregnant at least once a month. However, he knows I’m not being serious its just how we banter. The OPs wife probably doesn’t need counseling just some reassurance that NFP works. It took me a while to trust it and every month before my period came I was on edge and frequently bought pregnancy tests.

I also had miserable pregnancies and after two life threatening pregnancies I need to avoid. I hope it reassures the OPs wife that my OBGYN told me that if you stick with phase 3 only you will never get pregnant again. So we just count days. By day 19 I’m good and just cross check mucus and cervix for extra reassurance.

 

[LucyLight]

It sounds like your wife’s previous pregnancy related symptoms were NOT dealt with by her doctors. Severe Nausea is dealt with by prescribing anti-emitics (Odansetron, tigen, regelen, etc.) These will in most cases eliminate the nausea. It did for my wife and she was the puking multiple times a day type of lady. The last three were puke free the whole time thanks to the meds. No harm to the kids at all. Pre-eclampsia can also be managed quite well with drugs unless it is severe.

I highly suggest your wife speak with a few different OBGYN’s. She was NOT getting good care if she was sick during the whole pregnancy.

It might work sometimes but not for me. I had severe nausea and had to be hospitalized twice to receive iv fluid. I threw up all day long starting around the 2nd month till the 8th. I had great medical care and no medication could take away the nausea. I don’t think any great advancements have been made in the area of preeclampsia. Ususally the only solution is to deliver the child. Hopefully the child is full term.

 

[Brav3N3wWorld]

To the OP, I can relate to your wife’s situation and having a complete and paralizing fear of NFP sex. The logic in this is that the only way to know you are practicing NFP correctly is to not get pregnant. Pregnancy is seen as a failure, and if you have practiced NFP in the past and made an error in calcultion that resulted in pregnancy, sex can be completely terrifying.

In my own marriage, we worked out a year of complete abstinence after our second child. During this year, we both stepped away to study NFP and develop other, non-sexual, aspects of our marriage. We both picked up hobbies to keep our minds occupied and stay busy in the evenings. This time was very healing for me. It helped me recover emotionally from difficult circumstances surrounding the births of our children, and it helped my husband learn how to respect and love me without the sex.

The problem is not just your wife’s fear of pregnancy, the problem is also that you are unable to love your wife without sex. If she feels like she needs to have sex with you, so you will pull your fair share of housework, then this is a BIG problem. Step away from sex for a while (3 months, 6 months, a year, however long you think the two of you will need), and learn how to love and respect your wife and other ways, practice being a good husband and father, and give her some emotional space to heal.