NFP: what would change hearts?

[casey_zia]

Have been asked to do an NFP presentation to a marriage prep group in the next few weeks, without going into the method itself. The couples in this group are already cohabitating, and have accepted that they have to do “X, Y, and Z” to get married in the church. Your advice: what is it that turns people’s hearts toward the teachings of the Church in matters of sexuality and natural law? These couples might only hear this message once–what’s the best approach to planting seeds, starting a flame of desire to experience more of the Catholic faith in their marriages? Some of you in CAF must have come on board with these teachings–what/who did it?

 

[MamaJewel]

I think with anything in life, if we can show a person the benefits and rewards of doing a certain action or behavior, then we can win their hearts and minds to do it.

If your cohabitating couples are Catholics who grew up in the faith watching other married Catholic couples practicing contraception, then I’ll say you will have a more difficult time swaying the hearts of those couples. You will have to pray extra hard to God to fill them with a desire to do the right thing.

Speak the Truth and leave it to God to set them free.

 

[BVM_1221]

Have been asked to do an NFP presentation to a marriage prep group in the next few weeks, without going into the method itself. The couples in this group are already cohabitating, and have accepted that they have to do “X, Y, and Z” to get married in the church. Your advice: what is it that turns people’s hearts toward the teachings of the Church in matters of sexuality and natural law? These couples might only hear this message once–what’s the best approach to planting seeds, starting a flame of desire to experience more of the Catholic faith in their marriages? Some of you in CAF must have come on board with these teachings–what/who did it?

NFP needs to be much more reliable, and offer greater spontaniaty, then it is perceived to have at the moment:shrug:

 

[Castello]

Be honest. Teach them that avoiding children is NOT the default setting for marriage. Put avoiding children in the proper light.

Tell them that NFP is not easy, but, it is a necessary evil for those who have a serious problem that keeps them from welcoming children.

 

[KCT]

Before they will listen to anything you have to say, they need to be convinced that you care about them. They need to know Christ loves them.

 

[surritter]

Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, but I would focus on the “logic” aspect, where sex is designed for two purposes and to purposely thwart either purpose is the problem. The Church isn’t against artificial contraception for some arbitrary reason, such as wanting lots of kids to fill the pews. It’s to avoid twisting nature, and thus twisting the true expression of love.

 

[pentecostbaby]

Tell them what it’s done for you. Wish you had testimonials from lots of people, but I will say this: We did NFP even though DH didn’t really agree with Church teaching about it. We are now blessed with two sons, both PLANNED, when we had before (at least me) never really wanted children. We pray for many more. NFP does work: it changes hearts, not stops pregnancy (though it can do that too).

Maybe ask them, since it’s such a big step, to pray hard and try it for short amount of time? Like, give God a chance to work His grace in their hearts. Admit that society says it’s a huge task in this day and age.

 

[cmscms]

I think some people have given a lot of good ideas. The one I will give (coming from a woman who has never been married) is as follows

In my early 20s, I met a woman in her late 30s who was Jewish and because of her religious beliefs could not have sex for 2 weeks each month. She said she had the most incredible sex life for several reasons

1-) They NEVER had the problem that one was in the mood and the other wasn’t

2-) Since they could not be intimidat, they had to develop a social life outside of sex and got to share a lot more experiences with each other

I would point out the advantages the sex life can have

CM

 

[Castello]

I think some people have given a lot of good ideas. The one I will give (coming from a woman who has never been married) is as follows

In my early 20s, I met a woman in her late 30s who was Jewish and because of her religious beliefs could not have sex for 2 weeks each month. She said she had the most incredible sex life for several reasons

1-) They NEVER had the problem that one was in the mood and the other wasn’t

2-) Since they could not be intimidat, they had to develop a social life outside of sex and got to share a lot more experiences with each other

I would point out the advantages the sex life can have

CM

The Jewish ritual laws concerning relations mean that they could only have relations when she was fertile (no relations during menses or for approx 7 days after). For the average cycle, this puts the green light right at fertile time, so, of course she is going to be in the mood!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

2-) Since they could not be intimidat, they had to develop a social life outside of sex and got to share a lot more experiences with each other

I hear this argument a lot in favor of NFP and against premarital sex. I’m always left wondering how that could be a concern. I’ve never met a couple that didn’t explore new hobbies, restaurants, travel, etc together because they were too busy having sex. (Or even too focused on sex). NFP is a noble thing to do, but that’s an argument that always confused me.

 

[L_piperatus]

Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, but I would focus on the “logic” aspect, where sex is designed for two purposes and to purposely thwart either purpose is the problem. The Church isn’t against artificial contraception for some arbitrary reason, such as wanting lots of kids to fill the pews. It’s to avoid twisting nature, and thus twisting the true expression of love.

OK this is going to sound very heartless and legalistic but for guys, surritter’s approach will work very well and I would go even further than that, I would talk about God the sovereign Creator and Master of the Universe, that this is how He created and wants to run the universe, that all the Early Church Fathers condemned contraception and sterilization in the strongest terms, and that we should not be kidding ourselves that it has suddenly become acceptable to contracept, just because “everybody else is doing it”, just because all Christian Churches and denominations (except the Catholic) have suddenly abandoned their former teachings against contraception after the Church of England’s Lambeth Conference of 1930.

So, I would take - with the guys - a heartless and legalistic approach and throw in, for good measure, some 4-letter words by which I mean, of course, H-E-L-L and N-O-A-H (as in Noah and the flood). I would give them a straigth explanation, without sugar coating, that contraception is a mortal sin that can condemn one’s soul to eternal damnation in the H-E-L-L, and, as soon as someone would bring up the argument that “but everybody else is doing it”, I would mention that yeah, everybody else was doing all kinds of bad stuff in the time of N-O-A-H, and they all perished in the flood except for Noah and his family, because God will not put up with mortal sins, even if seemingly “everybody is doing it”.

Don’t worry, this approach is quite effective and works like a charm with guys. I’m not going to tell you how to convince ladies, but I’m a man and I know how men think. They will appreciate if you will give them some straigth talk with the facts. You may also want to throw in some quotes from the Early Church Fathers and even the example of Onan from the Old Testament just to demonstrate that contraception was never acceptable throughout the Old and New Testaments, that we Catholics have been faithful to the constant teaching of the Church established by Christ throughout these 2000 years, and that the current acceptance of contraception in the secular Western world and even by Protestant denominations (and Eastern Orthodox Churches) is nothing but a recent heresy, a heresy that started in 1930.

 

[casey_zia]

Thanks, everyone! Quite diverse ideas, don’t know if I could do the “use 4-letter words” (like H-E-L-L or N-O-A-H) approach, but I do believe that men and women speak different languages, and I need to address all in the room–with words cloaked in Christ’s deep love for them and their marriage and family life.

Maybe I should ask this:
If you have “converted” to NFP (from either not caring or from other choices in family planning), what brought about that change of attitude and of heart? What did you read or hear that made logical and/or spiritual sense?

 

[cmscms]

I hear this argument a lot in favor of NFP and against premarital sex. I’m always left wondering how that could be a concern. I’ve never met a couple that didn’t explore new hobbies, restaurants, travel, etc together because they were too busy having sex. (Or even too focused on sex). NFP is a noble thing to do, but that’s an argument that always confused me.

I think it is the opposite. If having sex is OK, people rush into it right away instead of planning activities in public such as visiting a museum where the temptation will not be there.

 

[SummerSmiles]

Maybe I should ask this:
If you have “converted” to NFP (from either not caring or from other choices in family planning), what brought about that change of attitude and of heart? What did you read or hear that made logical and/or spiritual sense?

Well, what changed my mind was finding out that the church was against contraception, and that if I continued to use it I should not be presenting myself to partake in the Eucharist. Even though it was something that my husband and I had some struggles with at first, I found that my love of God went above my own desires. I went to Mass a few times and did not partake in the Eucharist and found that I missed it sorely.

It was Christopher West’s book, “The Good News About Sex and Marriage,” that first got me started in my journey to stop using ABC.

 

[surritter]

I was never really for contraception, but before I got married I knew the Church opposed it; I just didn’t know why. We were on the fence but didn’t want to have that “cognitive dissonance” when you know something isn’t quite right but let it remain an unsettled issue.

So I decided to find out why the Church held these views, and it was enlightening to see that it is a very logical position and based on natural law. As an engineer, that logic that I mentioned before really clicked with me. People have more trouble buying into something that seems arbitrary, but seeing a reason based on biology and natural law removed any hesitation for me.

 

[SummerSmiles]

I was never really for contraception, but before I got married I knew the Church opposed it; I just didn’t know why. We were on the fence but didn’t want to have that “cognitive dissonance” when you know something isn’t quite right but let it remain an unsettled issue.

So I decided to find out why the Church held these views, and it was enlightening to see that it is a very logical position and based on natural law. As an engineer, that logic that I mentioned before really clicked with me. People have more trouble buying into something that seems arbitrary, but seeing a reason based on biology and natural law removed any hesitation for me.

This.

Also, it helped me learning how scientific NFP is. I thought we’d be resigned to using the rhythm method!

 

[Katie966]

Tell them that NFP is not easy, but, it is a necessary evil for those who have a serious problem that keeps them from welcoming children.

I don’t think telling them that NFP is a “necessary evil” is going to attract anyone to the idea. There is nothing evil about it.

I would focus on the scientific aspect of it. It really is pretty amazing, to be able to learn so much about your body and understand how it functions. The fact that we can determine fertility is really a gift, and not a burden. In other methods of birth control, you’re relying on mechanics- the condom to hold up, the pill to suppress hormones…with NFP you are actually making an informed choice as to whether to potentially become pregnant based on what you know about your body. This is what struck me about it, that although you do have to ultimately give control to God, in doing so you actually have more control than you do having sex whenever you feel like it and hoping that an outside mechanism doesn’t fail.

Also, I’d suggest being very clear about church teaching. In my class, they did not once say anything about contraception being wrong, just “here’s this option, email for details”. I don’t think most people even knew what they were talking about to begin with, they were trying so hard not to “offend” anyone. The best way to get people to listen is to be clear, concise, and honest. Then they can take it or leave it.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…Maybe I should ask this:
If you have “converted” to NFP (from either not caring or from other choices in family planning), what brought about that change of attitude and of heart? What did you read or hear that made logical and/or spiritual sense?

The seeds were planted in my heart very early but didn’t bear fruit for years. I first heard the Church teachings described by a high school religion teacher in a class on marriage and family. She didn’t speak about NFP nearly as much as she spoke about the Church teachings on marriage. It was the Church teachings on marriage that took root–and NFP is simply based on the Church teachings about marriage, if the couple has good reasons for avoiding pregnancy*.

If you are speaking to co-habitating couples who are planning their marriages, then they are starting to try to make a wrong situation right by getting married in the Church. Teach them about what marriage really is, including the meaning of the physical union.

• the part that NFP can be used in accordance with Church teachings only if the couple has good reasons for avoiding pregnancy had a huge impact on converting my heart years later. First it scared me, but it woke me up that these were serious matters. Children are desirable blessings that should only be avoided if there’s a good reason for avoiding them. Paraphrasing what someone mentioned earlier, the de-fault setting on marriage should be to accept children. Mentioning that may help your message stick in someone’s heart, because most couples getting married do want to have children together eventually at some point.

Teach them children are gifts from God. If you are looking for references, my favorite book on this topic is “Life Giving Love” by Kimberly Hahn. The title alone tells about what Christian love and marital love should be.

 

[casey_zia]

Well, what changed my mind was finding out that the church was against contraception…

I was never really for contraception, but before I got married I knew the Church opposed it; I just didn’t know why…So I decided to find out why the Church held these views, and it was enlightening to see that it is a very logical position and based on natural law…seeing a reason based on biology and natural law removed any hesitation for me.

Also, I’d suggest being very clear about church teaching. In my class, they did not once say anything about contraception being wrong, just “here’s this option, email for details”…The best way to get people to listen is to be clear, concise, and honest. Then they can take it or leave it.

The seeds were planted in my heart very early but didn’t bear fruit for years. I first heard the Church teachings described by a high school religion teacher in a class on marriage and family. She didn’t speak about NFP nearly as much as she spoke about the Church teachings on marriage. It was the Church teachings on marriage that took root–and NFP is simply based on the Church teachings about marriage…had a huge impact on converting my heart years later. First it scared me, but it woke me up that these were serious matters.

Thanks, to all, for this! Really and truly, your comments are going to help. “Clear, concise, and honest”… It sounds like none of you sought to escape from the teachings of the Church, but chose to go deeper, to understand and embrace this life-giving message about marriage and intimacy. When I first heard it, I was deeply moved, and recognized the teaching as something good that I wanted for myself and my husband-to-be.

Christopher West’s name was mentioned in one of the posts, as well as Kimberly Hahn. I liked Patrick Coffin’s book, Sex Au Naturale, and I also heard Marcel LeJeune speak on EWTN’s “The Good Fight” last October, and wouldn’t mind reading his book, Set Free to Love: Lives Changed by the Theology of the Body. If anyone has other resources that might help… Several of the posts talk about how understanding Church teaching should come first, and then NFP is a natural second step. Yes!..and thanks for that nudge.

 

[choose_to_love]

CZ,

We face this same issue, almost, three times per year - - we are on a diocesan pre-Cana team that has three sessions per year for our team. Every time there are around 25 couples, 22 of which are already living together and contracepting. We have them for less than seven hours, and one part of that is a communication exercise. What to do?

We have a good program from Christopher West as a substantial guide, but we have found that personal sharing of whatever part of the struggle you have had is key to getting attention and getting listened to. Even if you have always been chaste, and totally agreed with the Church, it is likely that those around you didn’t, and you may have had a struggle there. We share our journey in recognizing and opposing the worldly views on sexuality that we grew up with, me as a non-practicing Methodist and my bride as a cradle Catholic, how that affected/affects our marriage, how to fight against your upbringing and the view of sexuality that they have been presented, and embracing the Truth of the Church’s teaching as the challenge that it is.

@surriter: I understand what you are saying. I have often thought that it would be good to separate the genders, as one could speak more harshly and bluntly to the men, assuming I had the authority to do so, than one could to mixed-gender group. However, I think it is typically the women who will give you a listen first, so we generally are more geared to the emotional/sharing level. As I said, our source material from West has the nuts and bolts, the logic if you will.