Nightmare marriage to Asperger Syndrome Spouse - can I get annulment?

[adopted_heir]

First, talk to your priest.

Second, stop blaming AS. Neurotypicals are far more likely and capable of deception and manipulation than a person on the spectrum. It looks like a lot of research has been done in order to put the blame fully on your husband while also trying to depersonalize fault–“It’s all his fault, but it’s the Asperger’s that makes him so.” Sorry to be unsympathetic, but no. It is a long-standing, offensive stereotype that autistic/Aspie people can’t have relationships and don’t have feelings. What you’ve described doesn’t sound like ASD anyway. BTW, I am Aspie, have an Aspie son, and another autistic son. We are in a happy, non-abusive, mutually loving family wherein nobody emotionally manipulates or deceives anyone else. Don’t be so eager to castigate Asperger’s when (assuming everything else you say is true and accurate and the full story) everything you described could more accurately be attributed to a jerk. Which, I’ve found, neurotypicals are far more than capable of being. If you are deadset on Asperger’s being the source of all your problems, there are a number of books on Amazon about being married to Aspies that may help reconcile your marriage, if you have any desire for that.

Third, to everyone who says “How could you adopt into an abusive family?!”: Stop it. That’s beyond the point now at the least and victim-blaming at worst. Tossing blame on her for adopting in a situation that’s not ideal is no more helpful than chalking up all her problems to how wicked Aspies are. Lots of people bring children into troubled marriages thinking having a baby will bring them closer together. They’re wrong, but they still try. In this situation, whys and how-could-yous are irrelevant.

Fourth, you said your husband immigrated here–from where? Some cultures have a far different expectation of courtship and wives than we have here. Look at his parents–is he trying to play the same roles as they did? Did he expect you to look like a (Whatever)-ian wife than an American wife? I realize twenty years down the line is probably a bit far into it to adjust his expectations, but cultural differences can weigh as much as psychological issues.

Last, talk to your priest. The Internet is the bathroom wall of the universe. I (personally) think the first goal would be to rehabilitate your marriage–that means communicating with your husband (I don’t think we even know if you’ve talked to him about your concerns yet) rather than Internet strangers, counseling, and re-learning intimacy. If it is beyond rehabilitation, if you are in a truly abusive relationship, start the proceedings to separate yourself from him. But no games where you go back and forth, as women so often do. If you leave, stay gone, stay civil. Your priest will be able to help you through this and any annulment processes which may follow. All we can do here is postulate; the priest is the one who can answer anything.

Best of wishes to you and your family.

 

[Kyranna]

Agree with this post. Marriage is forever, do not give up on it now. The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence but it rarely is.

If you’re being abused, the grass is indeed greener away from the abusing spouse. Marriage is supposed to be forever, but things don’t always work out that way. My husband and I had a wonderful relationship for many years before he became ill, enraged, and abusive. I’m sorry our daughter doesn’t remember the good years, but I’m glad I do.

She and I are both glad we left, and my confessor was in full agreement with that decision.

Enough with the judgment already.

 

[HumblePilgrim]

Do not to generalize people with Aspergers like that. This is very offensive. Your spouse acted that way. People with Aspergers do NOT fake “loving, outgoing and charming behavior” until we “hook” a spouse. You have made an offensive generalization.

It is one thing to have a bad spouse with Aspergers, but it is another thing to paint you husband’s actions a “typical” Aspergers behavior.

Yes, I agree. That is not typical Asperger’s behaviour and I too find what was said offensive. He may or may not have Asperger’s but some behaviours are Asperger traits but not ALL behaviours are Asperger traits.

In regards to the question regarding annullment I really would contact a priest because it is a very complicated and difficult situation far beyond what the forums can provide for you.

 

[CB_Catholic]

Agree with this post. Marriage is forever, do not give up on it now. The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence but it rarely is.

Yeah, that is what some ill-advised people in the Church tried to tell my Mother many years ago, meanwhile she was having the c*** beat out of her and had two young children to protect.

Luckily, for all our sakes, she had a bit more common sense than that, or we would all be dead. The grass was definitely greener. God does not expect us to hang around and get abused or subject others to it. Your advice is about the worst that could be given to someone who is being abused.

 

[runningdude]

Women suffers abuse; husband probably blames his Asperger’s.

Half the posters answering give her grief for believing him.

 

[runningdude]

First, talk to your priest.

Second, stop blaming AS. …

Yes, I agree. That is not typical Asperger’s behaviour and I too find what was said offensive. …
…

Women suffers abuse; husband probably blames his Asperger’s.

Half the posters answering give her grief for believing him; you two decide you had to pile on at the end of a long thread.

 

[lucylove1]

Just want to say, I can relate so well. I married someone who wrote me love letters and treated me with love and kindness, and after marriage, things changed.

Same here. He used to sing to me. Now, I don’t think he knows I’m here.

 

[Falco]

The ‘sweetness and light’ courtship followed by a bad marriage is often seen in Middle Eastern men. Not all, but too many not to make a generalisation about it.

I knew my Aspergers husband for 20 years, married for 13. I had no problems getting an annulment. There was no overt abuse I could claim, but his treatment of me was very, very offhand to the point of ignoring me for weeks. Very strange man, unable to make and keep friends, but held down a high powered, high stress job.

 

[Eleanor61]

The ‘sweetness and light’ courtship followed by a bad marriage is often seen in Middle Eastern men. Not all, but too many not to make a generalisation about it.

I knew my Aspergers husband for 20 years, married for 13. I had no problems getting an annulment. There was no overt abuse I could claim, but his treatment of me was very, very offhand to the point of ignoring me for weeks. Very strange man, unable to make and keep friends, but held down a high powered, high stress job.

Not sure if the poster mentioned whether her husband was middle eastern, but I am Syrian-Americsn and we girls all knew we would never marry a Syrian man. They often do not mke good husbands,.even my male cousins whom I loved were bad husbands.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

So we have gone from picking on people with mental disorders to now categorizing an entire region of the world? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE???

People! Please.
Attribute a person’s character to just that his character. Not a race, Mental illness or a religion. This thread has just become a place to attack the defenseless. And tell our own version of how hurt we are…

You know absolutely nothing of the OP’s husband. Except what the OP has posted and attributed to a mental illness that she does not know much about.

The real issue is about a wife who is unhappy with her life and marriage. We can sympathize, we can offer advice, we can help her to help herself by advising her to talk to legal and Church channels and we can help her to look at the only thing she can fix, herself. But the bashing, assuming, attributing, and attacking should stop. The only evidence of emotional abuse I have seen on here comes from those attacking things they know nothing about.

 

[MaryT777]

So we have gone from picking on people with mental disorders to now categorizing an entire region of the world? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE???

People! Please.
Attribute a person’s character to just that his character. Not a race, Mental illness or a religion. This thread has just become a place to attack the defenseless. And tell our own version of how hurt we are…

You know absolutely nothing of the OP’s husband. Except what the OP has posted and attributed to a mental illness that she does not know much about.

The real issue is about a wife who is unhappy with her life and marriage. We can sympathize, we can offer advice, we can help her to help herself by advising her to talk to legal and Church channels and we can help her to look at the only thing she can fix, herself. But the bashing, assuming, attributing, and attacking should stop. The only evidence of emotional abuse I have seen on here comes from those attacking things they know nothing about.

Well said.
Mary.

 

[LoveOfLife]

Hello FemmeTriste,

I am very sorry to read about your sad marriage. Your story is very similar to that of my parents’. As a family we suffered tremendously during their marriage and after (with a drawn out custody saga). My parents are divorced and also had their marriage annulled.

I personally feel for you because I know what it is to live in an abusive relationship. I am about 95% sure that my father has Asperger’s Syndrome but he is unwillingly to get diagnosed. He meets all of the characteristics and traits, but unlike many others who have been diagnosed and make an effort to improve, my father never took those steps. I give much credit for all people with Asperger’s Syndrome who have sought help and make an effort to maintain healthy relationships.

In your case, as in my own, so many years that pass without a diagnosis can only lead to frustration, anger and sadness.

I found it interesting that you mentioned your husband’s immediate change after marriage. My mother says the same thing when my brother and I ask her how and why could she have married a man in this state? She said he was the most loving and gentle person with no motives and truly cherished her. However, after marriage he told her “now I’ve conquered” and grew abusive.

I think your choice for adoption was wonderful. You may have felt the need to manifest your love into a person who can reciprocate it and flourish from it. But the best advice I can give you is to get your child out of an abusive situation as soon as possible no matter what it takes. I wish my mother had left my father sooner, but like you she was committed to marriage for life and as a very faithful Catholic, she never believed in divorce. Ironically it was him who divorced her… then the annulment followed.

I think of my mother’s suffering as a living martyr. So anyone who has harsh words towards this lady, I suggest you refrain.

God Bless you. I’ll be praying for you.

 

[Falco]

Not sure if the poster mentioned whether her husband was middle eastern, but I am Syrian-Americsn and we girls all knew we would never marry a Syrian man. They often do not mke good husbands,.even my male cousins whom I loved were bad husbands.

No my husband is of English stock. He is a gentle man, never raised his voice, just lived his life in his own insular Aspergers way. Our grandson is a fiery little Aspergers boy, who swears like a trooper and gives his mum a very hard time, so AS is not attached to a particular personality type - it seems to be attitudinal and behavioural.

Quote: She said he was the most loving and gentle person with no motives and truly cherished her. However, after marriage he told her “now I’ve conquered” and grew abusive.

That is a trait of a narcissistic personality. And they don’t EVER change.

 

[Eleanor61]

No my husband is of English stock. He is a gentle man, never raised his voice, just lived his life in his own insular Aspergers way. Our grandson is a fiery little Aspergers boy, who swears like a trooper and gives his mum a very hard time, so AS is not attached to a particular personality type - it seems to be attitudinal and behavioural.

Quote: She said he was the most loving and gentle person with no motives and truly cherished her. However, after marriage he told her “now I’ve conquered” and grew abusive.

That is a trait of a narcissistic personality. And they don’t EVER change.

I would agree. My mother was a narcissist. She inflicted herself on others for 87 years. And yes, she could be charming to strangers and acquaintances.
We Aspies have become very defensive over this thread, as it does not describe us at all.

Hoosier Daddy, I was speaking about my own people, not generalizing about others. I responded to the poster previous to me who implied that the husband was middle eastern. I thought I had missed that point. I agree that I was off topic.

An annulment would seem to be the least of her concerns, personal safety and legal divorce coming first.

 

[zenapple]

Count me in as someone with AS who takes a bit of offense to this thread… I am not mentally ill, nor abusive, nor cruel, nor do I trick people. I have odd interests (as a child I used to memorize herbal properties), I have trouble making eye contact, making small talk, calling people by nicknames, and I do awful with surprises. At the age of 30 I can generally pass off for neuro-typical due to a lot of practice; people IRL don’t know I have AS unless I tell them. As a child, I was just very awkward, shy, and quiet. (That’s not always good - people will sometimes accuse me of being rude or “sketchy” when that is NOT my intention… I had a doctor like that recently, who said I was trying to be rude because I wasn’t looking him in the eye… Totally not my intention! It’s just hard for me.)

I am happily married, and my husband and I are raising three kids together. We have an extremely loving, affectionate, and devoted relationship. He gets me, and I get him. If you asked him what his biggest challenges are with my having AS he would say that I often need things explained to me - like interpreting his moods, or figuring out whether he said something literally, or sarcastically, etc. Sometimes I can’t figure out exactly what sort of a mood he’s in, and even though I generally guess if he’s in a bad mood, I’m sometimes unable to figure out why - so I ask him. Perhaps with those of you with spouses who would disconnect, they might not have understood your emotional state and have been embarrassed to ask?

My husband used to think my trouble making eye contact with him was odd, and sometimes rude. Or the fact that if we were having a serious conversation, I would yawn because I was listening so intensely (and I tend to yawn if I’m stressed out) and he would think I was trying to be rude, and that would lead to him getting offended, and then I would get my feelings hurt that I was listening and he accused me of not. It was total miscommunication. But once we figured all those little things out, things go very smoothly now for the most part. He will sometimes remind me to look in his eyes if I forget to during a conversation, and I’ll remember and look him in the eye, and that’s that, life goes on.

He’s also considerate in other ways. Example - he knows I don’t do well with making small talk (I don’t really do well figuring out when to join in the conversation if there’s more than one person I’m talking to, so I’ll either talk over someone or more likely I won’t say anything for fear of being rude). So he won’t, like, call over the neighbor spontaneously to chat with us in the driveway, because he knows that makes me nervous. He’ll go over to the neighbor instead of putting me on the spot. And he knows to tell me what he wants for birthdays and Christmas, because I am absolutely AWFUL at thinking up presents to give him. Things like that. If anything, it forces us to communicate with each other better, because things are spelled out more directly.

For the record if that sounds like all these things are a huge sacrifice on his part, I’m sure they are, and I totally appreciate his efforts and love him for it. And I return the favor in being patient with him for HIS issues… so it’s not like it’s all one sided, with him making concessions to me. We work together. That’s a marriage, imo - both sides working together. If one side won’t, that’s a problem.

So yeah. There are a wide variety of people with AS. There are nice ones and not so nice ones. Just like neurotypical people…

Anyway I wasn’t trying to make this all about me, even though I went off on a long ramble there. But I hope that I made the point that having AS is not, well… it’s not this evil thing, or whatever…

 

[zenapple]

This is absolutely NOT typical of a person with aspergers. I’m not sure what you read, but I’ve years of experience and training working with persons with aspergers and what you are describing is not only atypically associated with aspergers but it would be near impossible for many/most people with aspergers to hide the results of an involuntary neurological disorder for several months in order to appear loving, outgoing, and charming. In fact, one of the more frequent and distinguishable signs of autism spectrum disorders is excessive honesty. What you are describing is far more consistant with a personality or mental disorder. Are you quite sure you don’t have your diagnosis crossed with something else?

And, this. All of it.

 

[MICHAEL_PRABHU]

Femmetriste,
You wrote, “I have worked with more than 7 psychologists trying to cope with my marriage, have read numerous books and went through the entire Landmark program.”
What is this “Landmark program”?
Michael from INDIA

 

[Kal2012]

If she is truly in an abusive marriage with a man who is mentally ill and refuses treatment, I am going to go with a guess that the grass is actually greener.

I’ve been there. Very few lawns aren’t greener when you live with an abusive spouse and see the terrible effects it has not only on you, but on your child(ren). Divorcing my abusive spouse and removing both myself and my children from the sphere of his influence was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Exactly. The best thing my dad did for me was divorce my mentally ill stepmother. Most of my problems disappeared when she and my step-sister moved out of our house. When you are a kid, you don’t really understand what’s going on, but you understand that what’s going on is totally not normal. It was hard living with her because she didn’t want to take her meds and do what she needed to do to be a functional human being.

I would be surprised if OP wasn’t allowed an annulment considering what she’s said so far about the relationship. Sometimes, the grass really is greener elsewhere and you need to move on and admit that you made a mistake. OP doesn’t need to be a martyr.

 

[constantconvert]

For all the people on here saying that a person with AS could not fake being charming in order to hook a spouse, consider this. At first she was his “object of interest” the object of great joy and obsession which many ppl with AS have. Then his object of interest became something else, and she was left behind. It’s not possible for a person with AS to fake it or manipulate, but it is very possible for them to pursue something with great intensity and then forget about it, and be unable to empathize about how that might feel.

Unless you’re married to someone with AS, which I am, you can’t know how difficult it is.

 

[Eleanor61]

For all the people on here saying that a person with AS could not fake being charming in order to hook a spouse, consider this. At first she was his “object of interest” the object of great joy and obsession which many ppl with AS have. Then his object of interest became something else, and she was left behind. It’s not possible for a person with AS to fake it or manipulate, but it is very possible for them to pursue something with great intensity and then forget about it, and be unable to empathize about how that might feel.

Unless you’re married to someone with AS, which I am, you can’t know how difficult it is.

What if we are someone with Aspergers, married 30 years? Do we know anything then? There is some truth in your analogy about the fiancé being the object of obsession, but that lasts a while, dosen’t it? It is also difficult to imagine a person as that object, as inanimate subjects are much more “knowable” in the exhaustive sense Aspies seek. And charm, wow, that is just so far out of reach for me. Also, we do have empathy, though it can be misdirected and overwhelming.
My own belief is that autism spectrum disorders are over diagnosed or self diagnosed too often these days. The social handicap that begins in earliest childhood and stretches throughout life is distinctive and cannot be faked or covered up for a time if a person is truly affected. There are other severe personality issues besides autism. There is simple selfishness, narcissism, chauvinism in which a woman may be an object to be conquered, not deeply understood in the Aspie way.
My husband has lived with the reality that my attachment to him and the family is threadlike and fragile, as is my attachment to all of life. But I have a rock solid sense of loyalty, honesty, and responsibility, which is what people’s happily married to Aspies value, along with their encyclopedic knowledge and clever conversation.