No idea what to do when we receive the sacraments

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Baho

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I researched Christianity as a whole for the better part of a decade before deciding to be baptized and then Catholicism specifically for a couple of years before my wife and I began RCIA. I’ve got a very good grasp I think on the meaning of each of the sacraments I think, as well as whats occurring on a metaphysical level. The thing is that on a much more baseline, cultural level I have no idea what to expect. My RCIA coordinator tends to focus on her particular views and what she thinks is interesting, and don’t get me wrong she is great and I love and appreciate her, but she really doesn’t realize just how much stuff cradle Catholics already know from a cultural perspective that I might need explained to me. Its not about theology or apologetics anymore, like, what type of clothes do you want me to wear for this? Haha.

So the thing is my wife and I have been married for 9 years now and we have no idea how big of a deal receiving the sacrament of marriage will be. Does she wear a legit wedding dress or something more conservative? Do we need rings on hand to present? Is this something family should travel for or that we should go back home to do so they can attend? In regard to our kids baptistms, how do we choose saints for them? They’re not infants anymore and they’re named and all that, and they’ll choose confirmation saints when they get there, so is it something we should definitely do?

I’m watching Bishop Barron’s new course on the sacraments right now and it’s great but its not addressing this gap. Like there’s so much baseline cultural stuff that wasn’t explained in RCIA that we just don’t get. I honestly don’t even know what the candles around the church are for or what I should do while I’m standing around and waiting for confession. I’m just winging anything I can’t find in a book.

Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
 
Baho said:
So the thing is my wife and I have been married for 9 years now and we have no idea how big of a deal receiving the sacrament of marriage will be. Does she wear a legit wedding dress or something more conservative? Do we need rings on hand to present? Is this something family should travel for or that we should go back home to do so they can attend? In regard to our kids baptistms, how do we choose saints for them? They’re not infants anymore and they’re named and all that, and they’ll choose confirmation saints when they get there, so is it something we should definitely do?
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I’m not sure what you mean by the first question since, if you’re already married you wouldn’t need to get married again just because you’re becoming Catholic.

With the kids baptisms, saints names are something the normally goes with confirmation and not baptism; while baptismal names are a thing in some cultures, this doesn’t normally arise in the west and certainly isn’t compulsory. Depending on how old your kids are, they may be confirmed at the same time as their baptised (as you and your wife will) but, in any event, I would suggest that you encourage and help them to choose their own saints’ names.
 
One perhaps unfortunately titled publication that will be of help is Catholicism for Dummies. Written by two extremely well educated priests (a ThD and two PhDs between them), it covers virtually all aspects of Catholicism.

Bear in mind that there is no way that 2,000 years of Christian history, practice and culture can be condensed into an RCIA program, or even a Dummies book, but it will be a help.

https://www.amazon.com/Catholicism-Dummies-Rev-John-Trigilio/dp/1119295602
 
Unless there was a reason your wedding was invalid (generally because of declaration of nullity for prior marriage attempts) then there is no reason to get “remarried” simply because you are both becoming Catholic. If your marriage was invalid and consent need to be exchanged again, then it is generally a small ceremony in my experience. I have seen people that go through with a large public celebration as well as those that only have the couple and witnesses. It really depends on the couple.

With regard to baptism, it is a pious practice to name a child after a Saint, but certainly not required. The only time it might be a problem is if the child’s name is offensive to Christianity. Baptizing a child named Pontius Zeus Jones might be a nonstarter, but I’ve been to several baptisms where none of the children had explicitly Christian names. In the one instance I can think of where someone had a “questionable name", the priest just asked them to use a baptismal name different from their birth name.

Even choosing a saint’s name for confirmation is a pious practice, but not required. When I went through RCIA and was confirmed, I used my legal name as it was the name I was baptized with twenty years before. I wanted to maintain the linkage between the two sacraments so did not choose to be confirmed under another name.
 
OP, I hope you know that you are always free to ask your priest questions. He would not think anything of it, and you should never be embarrassed by asking. Make an appointment when that is possible and bring a list of your concerns. He would be the best one to ask about whether you actually need to do anything about your marriage, and if so, he will answer any questions you have about what to where, when it will happen and all that. As someone else mentioned, some of that will be up to you. You can have it as small as you like and perhaps have a nice gathering of family and friends afterward. Speak to your priest about the baptism of your children as well.
 
Baho said:
Like there’s so much baseline cultural stuff that wasn’t explained in RCIA that we just don’t get. I honestly don’t even know what the candles around the church are for or what I should do while I’m standing around and waiting for confession.
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There is a lot that gets filled in by local custom. Which means you should ask your catechists.

Weddings are usually determined by bride and groom. Talk to the priest about whether elaborate or simple is appropriate.

As far as I know, “candles around the church” are for light. There many be stands of candles near a shrine or a statue of a saint; these are private devotions, where the candle “stands in” for you to prolong your particular prayer. In one of the psalms we pray for our prayers to be like incense, rising up to God. Devotional candles recapture that image sort of.

Before confession you should do an examination of conscience. You can do that, or review it, while in line. Pray for guidance in understanding your sins and for the words to confess them honestly.
 
So my RCIA coordinator said that since our marriage wasn’t done in the church that if we aren’t married by the church once we enter into it then we will be committing adultery every time we do it, basically. Originally my wife was going to wait for me to go through RCIA the year after me even, because it’s so hard to attend the classes with toddlers but my coordinator asserted that if I became Catholic before her any relations with her would be a mortal sin. She has also asserted that the baptismal names are obligatory. How should I move forward now, do you think?
 
Baho said:
So my RCIA coordinator said that since our marriage wasn’t done in the church that if we aren’t married by the church once we enter into it then we will be committing adultery every time we do it, basically.
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Was one of you baptized as a Catholic at some point?
 
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Nope we were both baptized as protestants. My wife ~14 years ago and myself in 2018.
 
Baho said:
Nope we were both baptized as protestants. My wife ~14 years ago and myself in 2018.
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Assuming it was the first marriage for both of you, I’d double check with the priest why you’re being required to have a wedding ceremony. Based on what you’ve presented, that wouldn’t be necessary. (Or appropriate, unless we’re missing a piece of information)
 
Baho said:
So my RCIA coordinator said that since our marriage wasn’t done in the church that if we aren’t married by the church once we enter into it then we will be committing adultery every time we do it, basically.
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Baho said:
Nope we were both baptized as protestants. My wife ~14 years ago and myself in 2018.
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Protestant weddings are valid for Protestants. Your RCIA coordinator has misinformed you. If you are already validly married as Protestants, converting to Catholicism does not require that you marry again. I would consult the priest on this point to make sure, but I would be very surprised if he agreed with the coordinator.
Baho said:
he has also asserted that the baptismal names are obligatory.
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This might be the custom in your parish, but it is not demanded by the Church. Again, I advise you to consult your priest.
 
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Exactly. My husband and I were both validly baptized Protestants, our first marriage for each. I came into the Church about 10 years prior to my husband. There was no question about the validity of our marriage.

VERY MUCH speak to your pastor.
 
Thank you. I love my coordinator as a person but honestly I think she’s a hardcore trad and just doesn’t agree with a lot of stuff my parish says even. As far as I know know she doesn’t even go to church at our parish anymore. I reached out to my deacon. FWIW though, we had a civil marriage immediately after high-school before I went to basic training. She was baptized at the time and I was not. I wasn’t baptized until a couple years ago. So maybe it’s not valid? I’m going to check out the link you shared a moment ago now.
 
Baho said:
I think she’s a hardcore trad
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As a hardcore trad, I’d just chalk it up to lack of education. That does happen!

If two never Catholic man and woman are free to marry, no prior marriages, and one or both are not validly baptized, they enter a valid natural marriage. Two Satanists who were never baptized Catholic and have not been married before DO enter what is recognized as a valid, natural marriage. A Methodist and a Hindu, a Baptist and a Muslim, valid natural marriage.

Now, if two never been Catholic free to marry, never married validly baptized Christians marry, they enter a valid Sacramental marriage. If the non-baptized spouse or both non baptized man and woman in a valid natural marriage ARE validly baptized, Methodist, Assembly of God, Nazarene, Baptist, etc. that natural marriage becomes Sacramental.

So, unless there is something more that is missing, it seems you are in a valid Sacramental marriage. Talk to your pastor!
 
Baho said:
honestly I think she’s a hardcore trad
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Even if she’s a “hardcore trad,” what she said is wrong. “Hardcore trads” know that two baptized protestants marrying each other are sacramentally married.

Honestly, most likely, she’s just simply incorrect. There are a TON of Catholics who THINK they properly understand canon law regarding marriage, but don’t.
 
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phil19034 said:
Even if she’s a “hardcore trad,” what she said is wrong. Even “hardcore trads” know that two baptized protestants marrying each other are sacramentally married.

Honestly, most likely, she’s just simply incorrect. There are a TON of Catholics who THINK they properly understand canon law regarding marriage, but don’t.
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I agree. Unfortunately there are many people teaching RCIA who simply get things wrong from time to time. You should definitely mention to your priest or deacon that she’s saying these things about your marriage and about the baptismal names, as the priest may want to step in and correct her from spreading misinformation to other people.
 
Baho said:
Thank you. I love my coordinator as a person but honestly I think she’s a hardcore trad and just doesn’t agree with a lot of stuff my parish says even. As far as I know know she doesn’t even go to church at our parish anymore. I reached out to my deacon. FWIW though, we had a civil marriage immediately after high-school before I went to basic training. She was baptized at the time and I was not. I wasn’t baptized until a couple years ago. So maybe it’s not valid? I’m going to check out the link you shared a moment ago now.
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Probably a silly question, but will you be Latin/Roman rite when you convert?

Eastern laws on marriage are different, and I don’t know how that may change things.
 
@TheLittleLady Thank you! That helps a ton. And sorry if what I said comes off as condescending, I do love and appreciate her, I just mean that she often expresses her stance as being at odds with current teaching. Vatican II bad, current Pope doing the devil’s work sort of thing. So I meant that maybe she has a stricter view of marriage than some, but I’m too ignorant about her or church teaching to make that claim and should have refrained from doing so.
 
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@Elf01 I wanted to join a Maronite parish but the priest has very little support and couldn’t manage taking me on at the time (I was starting a month late). I’ve been considering trying to receive my sacraments within that parish so that I can properly be Maronite and help out within the parish but its something that I still need to discuss with my wife. She loves our church and our priest (so do I) and doesn’t speak Arabic. Id say it’s 80-90% certain that we will end up Latin Rite.
 
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