So I allow her to run me down to both SILs and anyone else who will listen. I allow her to trouble with my spouse believe me he owed me that kiss after his behavior. He was acting like a spoiled ten year old. He was a poor example of a helpmate that day. Allow her to gossip about people I can’t defend because I hardly know them. I’m a pretty busy person and see these people maybe once or twice a year. In fact, she is not invited around too often. So I’m guessing her gossip comes from what her daughters tell her on the phone.
And I’m wondering in this case who the pig is my MIL or my husband. 30 some years I’ve put up with his behavior, not knowing how he got to be so sarcastic, self-centered, and manipulative. Now I’m learning who he learned it from. Over the past decades I have had to teach him how treat me and others with respect, I’ve used both kind encouragement and penalties for serious bad behavior. I have had to be his therapist and grow him up a bit. In many ways he is still an adolesent. Now his mom is back playing a major role and he is slipping into old habits. Though i am having thoughts of leaving him (I’m really mad), I will stay with him but I have to say not very happily. I am seriously angry that he would act this way even though he knows how I feel about his giving me a hard time in front of his mother. It was mean what he did that day.
Also, he’s not shy about public affection, after a beer of two I have had times in the past when i had to be careful he didn’t grope me in public.(meanness in public) That’s hopefully, in the past. But an “I’m sorry” smooch was totally appropiate that day. He was just being mean in front of his mother and I don’t understand why… I’ve been stewing about this for a couple of weeks now because I thought we were past this kind of meanness.
If he wants mom around he has to treat me with respect and in a polite loving manner.
Sorry but anything less sounds like a doormat to me. I’ve tried sweet and nice, It doesn’t work with him and apparently it doesn’t work with her either.
I was referring to your mother as the animal not likely to join the opera no matter who her instructor, but I’m beginning to wonder if anyone in this picture is interested in singing lessons.
You are doing what my husband calls “gunny sacking”. That is when something bothers you, but it isn’t big enough that even some real blowing it all out of proportion will make much of it, so out comes the gunny sack of other slights, something to dump on the original complaint so as to give it some weight. That, my dear, is not a fair (or realistic) way to make a complaint.
You have to decide which you want: do you want a solution, or do you want a win? There are many times in marriage when you cannot have both. If you keep the complaints small, you can keep the solutions reachable, and a peaceful life is attainable. Make the complaints big, and the response will be defensiveness, more unrelated counter-complaining from the other direction, and withdrawal. Is that what you want?
You said: “
I allow her to trouble with my spouse believe me he owed me that kiss after his behavior. He was acting like a spoiled ten year old. He was a poor example of a helpmate that day.” You’re ready to
demand a kiss that he “owes” you? How many “example of helpmate” points do you think come with that? And why does he owe you that in front of his mother, and not at a time where he is more comfortable? Could it be, perhaps, that what you want more than his affection or a real relationship-repair moment is a chance to “show” her? Could it be perhaps, that you are not looking for a solution, let alone the usual ritual that signifies real reconciliation, but rather looking for a “win”? If I may be so blunt, this is more ten-year-old goal-setting than the goal setting that is appropriate for a Christian woman whose first goal is to please God and win souls for Heaven. Let us keep our eye on the ball, here.
You have a lot of stored-up resentments. This matter you brought to us is not the primary problem, but a precipitating event. It is going to eat you up and push you into all sorts of attitudes and behaviors that are neither going to feel good nor do good. If something neither feels good nor does good, why do it?
Talk to your husband and work out a way for him to signal the content of that kiss in a way that will be your secret from his mother. I think you’ll both get a kick out of that. That’s the goal.
As for the contents of your gunnysack, the goal is to take care of things as they come up, to either get some amends made or else let go of the damage, and forgive. That, however, requires doing the homework of going through the gunnysack and cleaning it out. I suggest you find a professional counselor with whom you can speak your mind bluntly without doing any permanent damage to anyone who actually knows you, and who can speak bluntly with you while you work it out without any loss of family or friends if you decide to kill the messenger (so to speak) and walk out a few times before getting through it. I don’t want you to think I believe you’re an awful person. You’re not. You’re just suffering the consequences of having problems that you didn’t take care of as they come up, and difficult problems to endure at that. Get some help; I think you can get on your feet and find a strategy for solving these issues as they come up. That will feel much better and give you better and fairer results, and that is worth the time and effort it takes.
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