No Marriage in the future for young Catholics?

[josh987654321]

I wasn’t sure of what to call it but I just wanted to share my thoughts.

Does anyone else feel that dating and marriage is hard? I am 21 and I can’t seem to find a nice Catholic guy go so much as grab a coffee with. Maybe it is just the town I am in but there does not seem to be a lot of options. My mom is really trying to push me into looking for a husband and maybe my expectations are too high for when it comes to dating but I don’t think it is happening for at least another 10 years. Does anyone have experiences they would like to share?

I’ll share my experience (zero), it might help, I’m 24, I’ve never dated before, let alone even asked a girl out before, I put it in God’s hands, and I figure the right one will come into my life when the time is right, id imagine in the form of friendship first from among acquaintances and then it will just naturally progress. I also know that now I am not ready, nor have I been looking. I hope sometime in the next 2-4 years I will be more set up and ready for that to happen if it is God’s will (I very much hope so, but not now).

I don’t know how hard dating and marriage is or would be because I have never tried either.

There are usually two fears that plague people here I believe,

1. Having low expectations, and making a poor choice for fear that it will never happen.
2. By trying to counter fear 1) with too high expectations it may never happen.

I try to have a balance between both, and try not to be too concerned with either options, as I believe as I said above, when the time is right, Christ will move acquaintances/people into and around my life whom can be befriended and can naturally progress if that’s what’s meant to be.

Anyway, just some of my thoughts.

I hope this has helped

God Bless You

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[josh987654321]

I didn’t realize until now that that might be a tall order for right now

I thought Trump & Pence winning the US election was a tall order, but look how that turned out.

God Bless You

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[ConfusedLucy]

You mention you barely have time in your schedule for yourself, be careful of overworking, when you fill all your time with work you aren’t leaving time for anything else to happen. Make time for yourself, hobbies, family, friends etc. There is more to life than working.

Don’t worry about finding a husband at your age, focus on getting some balance in your life.

 

[AdamP88]

It will happen just when you are least expecting it. I met my husband when I was 24 after having pretty much stopped thinking about meeting anyone. Just enjoy your single life !

This!

I have a similar story. I met my wife on CAF shortly after I had decided to discern a religious vocation. Obviously I didn’t have a priestly vocation!

 

[confusedgirl]

A few points:
My take is that if she is serious about being married and she is not that beautiful, she needs to strike while her youth is at its best, hence she needs to start searching soon. Even if she doesn’t marry until that average age of 27, it could very well take her that long to find that guy if she starts now.

Might have to look for men who are 2 to 5 years older, may be more likely to find men who are ready to be married at those ages. So she’s 21, she could look at men who are 23 to 26 or so. These men will have graduated from college, will hopefully have started making something of themselves and just maybe they will think about being family men. So she finds one she likes, they date for a couple of years, they marry at 23 to 24 for her, 25 to 29 for him.

I feel like this is what my mom thinks about when she brings up marriage. Beauty is in the eye if the beholder, I think I am beautiful and I others have told me so. I am not worried, really I am not. I just don’t think that at my age it’s likely to happen

 

[Xantippe]

I feel like this is what my mom thinks about when she brings up marriage. Beauty is in the eye if the beholder, I think I am beautiful and I others have told me so. I am not worried, really I am not. I just don’t think that at my age it’s likely to happen

Right.

At this point, do you know any guy who is ready to or even wants to get married within a year or two?

I think your peer group is just wrong for this at the moment, and you’ll do a lot better once you move more into the world of actual full-time working adults. At the moment, a lot of good working guys just will not see you as a peer, because you’re in a different age stage right now by virtue of being in college.

Also, as time goes by, I have more and more reservations about matches formed in college between undergraduates. I feel like there is a certain unreality to the college environment and that you don’t get a sense of who people are as adults until they are leading more or less grownup lives. The person who rolls out of bed at 10 in college may either turn into a responsible working adult…or an adult who tries to continue that college lifestyle. You can’t tell the difference when you’re in school. A working adult is more “gelled,” so to speak. (My parents married in college out of the dorms, and my dad was SHOCKED for literally decades that my mom did not cook or clean like his mom–I owe my very existence to that mistake, but it does point to the difficulty of choosing a mate when they are living in an artificial habitat–you can’t tell what kind of housekeeper somebody is when there isn’t really any housekeeping to be done.)

 

[Xantippe]

I wouldn’t rush into dating and marriage. If it happens, it happens, but I would enjoy being single. Is there anything you are passionate about? Anywhere you are dying to live? Any adventures you want to take. Take them before you get married and have kids. Family is an adventure itself.

When I was 27, I was living in my horrible Oregon hometown, I was miserable. Two years later I was living in Scotland about to get married. My husband is perfect for me (we met on CAF), and I’m glad I took that risk.

When I met my now husband, I was open to dating, but not hunting down guys (too busy with work). Plus the Catholic men were the “have ten children and be quiet” types. So not me. I thought no Catholic man is going to want a wife who speaks her mind, can quote all of King’s Quest 6, and is very sarcastic. Well, no Catholic man in the States. I had to go 5000 miles for him.

It hasn’t been all roses, it was a hard road at first. Miscarriage, death in the family, multiple international moves, Post Natal Depression, etc. But I wouldn’t want anyone else by my side.

Enjoy your life now, you never know what God has in store.

Awwww!

Agreed about travel–all the logistics get more complicated when there are multiple people to consider plus it’s way more expensive, so if there’s some place you want to go, the next couple of years will be a good time.

 

[Xantippe]

A few points:
Nothing inherently wrong with dating young. But that depends on the availability of partners worth dating when one is sticking to Catholic standards. Nothing wrong with the OP asking her mom for suggestions, nothing there about she has to marry one of them just because it’s her mother introducing them.

My take is that if she is serious about being married and she is not that beautiful, she needs to strike while her youth is at its best, hence she needs to start searching soon. Even if she doesn’t marry until that average age of 27, it could very well take her that long to find that guy if she starts now.

Might have to look for men who are 2 to 5 years older, may be more likely to find men who are ready to be married at those ages. So she’s 21, she could look at men who are 23 to 26 or so. These men will have graduated from college, will hopefully have started making something of themselves and just maybe they will think about being family men. So she finds one she likes, they date for a couple of years, they marry at 23 to 24 for her, 25 to 29 for him.

Debt is a big deal. I hear a lot about vetting spouses for debts and I think that is not a bad thing as I plan to do the same. Family formation and home buying are hard enough without that additional burden.

It doesn’t sound like she is that interested in getting married right now–it’s her mom that’s pushing her.

I also think you’re not accounting for the difference that clothes and makeup make–a 21-year-old with a wardrobe of free t-shirts and pajama bottoms might not be as attractive as a 25-year-old professional with a a closet full of nice clothing–all things being equal. It helps a lot to have money to spend on prettying up–and a young professional will be (generally speaking) in a better financial position. Guys tend not to know this, but pretty is expensive and/or time-consuming. (For example, I was spending at least an hour every day doing my hair when I was first dating my future husband–and I needed every minute.)

I also have to mention that when you’re at different life stages, it’s hard to judge the other person properly.

Debt is a big deal. I would never have even thought of this as a dewy young bride, but it really is a good idea (when there’s an actual engagement) to have an exchange of credit reports and a general accounting of debts and assets and a serious discussion of future financial plans. Not very romantic, but you wouldn’t believe how many people only discover after marriage how much credit card debt or student loan debt their sweetie has or that there is a fundamental disagreement about their financial future…Going through something like Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University together or separately is a good idea. In the OP’s shoes, I would do that (or something like that) immediately after landing a first real job.

 

[Bataar]

I think it mostly depends on where people live and what the local cultures are as far as church goes. If you have a fairly close knit population with a strong church community, your chance of meeting other young Catholics is probably pretty good. When you live in an area that seems to be nearly devoid of Catholics and regardless of what church you go to, it seems like you’re the only single person there between the ages of 16 and 65 and as soon as the last procession, it’s basically a race to the door, you’re probably not going to have much luck meeting other Catholics.

 

[Naskor]

I wasn’t sure of what to call it but I just wanted to share my thoughts.

Does anyone else feel that dating and marriage is hard? I am 21 and I can’t seem to find a nice Catholic guy go so much as grab a coffee with. Maybe it is just the town I am in but there does not seem to be a lot of options. My mom is really trying to push me into looking for a husband and maybe my expectations are too high for when it comes to dating but I don’t think it is happening for at least another 10 years. Does anyone have experiences they would like to share?

I’m around your age and it certainly feels that way. I think the problem is exacerbated by the way the Church treats young singles. The Church acts like young single Catholics are a resource for ministries instead of a group in need of it. I know the Archdiocese of Washington D.C is the opposite, young singles are the #1 priority and the older members of the archdiocese are expected to serve them, not the other way around.

It makes sense to make serving young singles the priority because they are at the most vulnerable time of their life and most at risk of leaving the faith.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m around your age and it certainly feels that way. I think the problem is exacerbated by the way the Church treats young singles. The Church acts like young single Catholics are a resource for ministries instead of a group in need of it. I know the Archdiocese of Washington D.C is the opposite, young singles are the #1 priority and the older members of the archdiocese are expected to serve them, not the other way around.

It makes sense to make serving young singles the priority because they are at the most vulnerable time of their life and most at risk of leaving the faith.

I don’t think that that would be a completely fair description–after all, Newman Centers are kind of a big deal for undergraduates and graduate students, and those are often “young singles” too. I know that the Pittsburgh Oratory has (at least in the past) had graduate/young professional reading groups aimed at the non-undergraduate.

RCIA also often serves young singles, as do at least some retreats, conferences (World Youth Day comes to mind) and pilgrimages. It certainly isn’t young parents going on retreats and pilgrimages…

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I’m around your age and it certainly feels that way. I think the problem is exacerbated by the way the Church treats young singles. The Church acts like young single Catholics are a resource for ministries instead of a group in need of it. I know the Archdiocese of Washington D.C is the opposite, young singles are the #1 priority and the older members of the archdiocese are expected to serve them, not the other way around.

It makes sense to make serving young singles the priority because they are at the most vulnerable time of their life and most at risk of leaving the faith.

It’s been my experience that many who leave the faith are single. The problem is I don’t think parishes really know what to do with these people. To be fair being part of a ministry can sometimes be a good way to become integrated but most of us can only give so much before we need to receive. It’s hard when you don’t have a whole lot of other people in your life stage and all the church can do is awkwardly lump you in with another group.

 

[jlc2k2]

It will happen just when you are least expecting it. I met my husband when I was 24 after having pretty much stopped thinking about meeting anyone. Just enjoy your single life !

Agreed! When I was in college, I was certain that I wouldn’t marry until I was in my 30s. 2 weeks after graduation, I met the man who would become my husband. Just over a year after that, we were married. You just never know what will happen tomorrow!

 

[TK421]

Your mom shouldn’t be pressuring you to marriage and she is in error to do so, but I guess that’s life.

“There are no good men” is a very, very common complaint of Catholic women. I’m a guy and I was not a good man in my early 20s. In retrospect, an intelligent Christian girl would know better than to marry me, and I wouldn’t want a future daughter of mine to marry a man like myself in my early 20s.

Nowadays, well, I’m working on it really, really hard.

You should not be panicking. 21 is young. Very young. You need to keep developing yourself as a person. The clueless men around you are developing too. They don’t understand what they’re missing out on, but with God’s grace, after awhile, maybe they will.

 

[confusedgirl]

Are you an only child? Might explain it if you are.

Man I wish! No but I am the oldest so there is always the pressure on me to be the “good example”

 

[Anglewannabe]

My take is that if she is serious about being married and she is not that beautiful, she needs to strike while her youth is at its best, hence she needs to start searching soon. Even if she doesn’t marry until that average age of 27, it could very well take her that long to find that guy if she starts now…

You have got to be kidding me ! I can’t believe so many post after yours and no one jump all over this. What a horrible thing to say. I don’t know who you are trying to insult the most. The OP or young single men for being so shallow !

Angie

 

[Anglewannabe]

OP, I am not going to quote all your posts, but I will go from memory

I am a 46 year old single woman who has never married. Being Catholic this means never had kids. When I was 21, I would have probably written a similar post (probably with more of a tone of desperation to it) and here is what I have to say

1-) If your mom is pushing you, that in itself is probably turning a lot of men away. When you meet a guy, try not to let it out too soon

2-) You seem to think men are no longer interested in marriage. Well…at 21, often that has not entered a man’s mind. But something really weird happens in their late 20s and that is all they want. Trust me, you will get to an age where you will meet men desperate to marry (which can be annoying) and you will miss the days where it wasn’t their top priority

3-) Lastly, and this is the piece of advice I DESPERATELY wish I would have taken at your age. DON’T worry. I spent so many hours worrying I would not get married and guess what, I didn’t. What I NEVER would have believed at your age is being single for 46 years can actually be a lot of fun. My only regret is the time spent wasted worrying when I could have been doing something else

Angie

 

[TheAmazingGrace]

You have got to be kidding me ! I can’t believe so many post after yours and no one jump all over this. What a horrible thing to say. I don’t know who you are trying to insult the most. The OP or young single men for being so shallow !

Angie

I didn’t see that one until now. Good call.

Confusedgirl, don’t listen to Zzyzx Road. That is very bad advice.

Zzyzx Road, just stop. The goal is not to “find” a guy like you would a throw pillow in the bargain bin at Walmart. The goal is to fall in love with someone who will help you grow in holiness. That takes patience.

 

[Xantippe]

OP, I am not going to quote all your posts, but I will go from memory

I am a 46 year old single woman who has never married. Being Catholic this means never had kids. When I was 21, I would have probably written a similar post (probably with more of a tone of desperation to it) and here is what I have to say

1-) If your mom is pushing you, that in itself is probably turning a lot of men away. When you meet a guy, try not to let it out too soon

2-) You seem to think men are no longer interested in marriage. Well…at 21, often that has not entered a man’s mind. But something really weird happens in their late 20s and that is all they want. Trust me, you will get to an age where you will meet men desperate to marry (which can be annoying) and you will miss the days where it wasn’t their top priority

3-) Lastly, and this is the piece of advice I DESPERATELY wish I would have taken at your age. DON’T worry. I spent so many hours worrying I would not get married and guess what, I didn’t. What I NEVER would have believed at your age is being single for 46 years can actually be a lot of fun. My only regret is the time spent wasted worrying when I could have been doing something else

Angie

That was a very good post! I especially like the parts I bolded.

 

[Norseman82]

at school the campus church guys don’t favor Catholic girls.

This part jumped out at me. When you say “campus church guys”, are you referring to Catholics or Christians of any denomination? If you are referring to Catholic guys, then the Catholic chaplain (if you have one) or priests at the parishes they attend need to confront them on this issue.