No Sex!!!

[Lexee15]

Island Oak:

Quite a few major, life altering decisions you have announced in the last 24 hrs. I am truly sorry for the chaotic situation you find yourself in after re-reading a number of your posts and seeing how thoroughly deceived and mistreated you have been by your husband.

I applaud your courage and determination to separate yourself physically from him. Your husband’s continued sexual interaction with multiple women has not only destroyed the trust and stability of your marriage, but poses substantial risks to your health and the health of your unborn baby. It would be reckless knowing what you know to engage in intimate contact with him again during the term of this pregancy.

You mentioned confiding in your mother. I hope she and other friends/family are close by and will be a source of support for you and that you will not go through this terribly difficult time alone. I am sure many on these boards are remembering you and your innocent babes in their daily prayers.

Thank you so much for you support and prayers Oak. Unfortunately, I don’t have any family or friends here, I have made a few friends that I can confide in, but it’s not the same. I have no choice but to be strong enough to support myself through this. I have to admit, the cross gets heavy at times and I just wish I could break down and cry and be babied and hugged and just feel peace, but I can’t for now I must be strong and do what I gotta do.

 

[Lexee15]

Let’s stay on-topic for the sake of the OP and take non-related issues to another thread, please.

Lexee: I hope you are able to talk to your OB/Gyn about your husband’s unfaithfulness. Not only might his wreckless actions expose you to terrible diseases, but it will affect you throughout your pregnancy on an emotional and physical level as well. I would urge you to make certain that your husband has no access to your medical records or your birthing plans unless you are reconcilled.

When I first found out about this I went straight to my ob and had all the tests done, everything was normal, all negatives. I haven’t seen my ob since I found out I was pregnant, I have an appointment set up, and I will talk to my doctor about not allowing him access to my medical records.

Now the baby’s birth is months away, but you must make it clear to the hospital staff as the time approaches whether or not your husband is allowed in your delivery room. It might be good to give your mother a medical “Power of Attorney” for you. It will probably need to be notarized, in the least. Furthermore, you need to protect yourself from your husband’s involvement should you become incapacitated during your pregnancy and delivery. Since he is your legal husband, should something happen and you would not be able to speak for yourself, by law your husband will be making all the medical decisions on your behalf. I believe that you need to see a lawyer (if you haven’t already engaged one) and get your legal ducks in a row so that your care and the care of your child are provided for as you see fit.

I haven’t talked to a lawyer yet, but thanks for the info. I will get on that right away. I don’t want him in the delivery room and I don’t want him making any decisions concerning me or my children. How much of this could I do though, since he’s the legal parent etc., could I keep him from the children if I prove his affairs? This is why the law is so screwed up…he has no morals or values yet the court would give him the children if something happened to me…I hate it :banghead: !!!

Bring your mother with you whenever possible.

I don’t think I could do this since she’s in California and works, I doubt she could take much time off…I’m getting nervous now.

Oh goodness, one of my children just called and is too sick to stay in school. I need to sign off and pick him up. Please take care of these legal matters as soon as you can, Lexee.

I hope all is well with your child, thanks again.

 

[Rejoice]

Lexee,

Regarding your request for recommendations of priests in the Chicago area: I’m in Aurora (west side) which is at least as far from Elmhurst as is downtown Chicago… but if you don’t hear of anyone else I do recommend my pastor. His name is Father Martin Heinz. My Parish is Holy Angels. Here’s the relevant info:

TEL: 630-897-1194 – FAX: 630-897-1370
E-Mail: parish@holy-angels.org
www.holy-angels.org

I wish you the best of luck and I will pray for you.

Brett

 

[Cupofkindness]

Lexee:

I don’t think that it’s too early to begin talking to a lawyer, even though you don’t plan to file for several months. You will build a stronger case against your husband as long as you can document everything that is going on in your marriage.

Also, do you have a trustworthy friend who you can tell your story to? Your mom can still be your medical power of attorney, but having someone nearby will be helpful. Plus, this friend can go to the birthing classes, hospital tour, etc with you.

God bless you.

 

[Lexee15]

Cupofkindness:

Lexee:

I don’t think that it’s too early to begin talking to a lawyer, even though you don’t plan to file for several months. You will build a stronger case against your husband as long as you can document everything that is going on in your marriage.

By document, do you mean, when he comes home or not and the times? How he acts with me and the baby, etc.?

Also, do you have a trustworthy friend who you can tell your story to? Your mom can still be your medical power of attorney, but having someone nearby will be helpful. Plus, this friend can go to the birthing classes, hospital tour, etc with you.
God bless you.

I do have a friend I can talk to, I have talked to her and she’s supportive, she was behind me when I decided to give it a chance and now that I have decided to end it she’s also supporting me, she feels that I deserve better…so do I.

I can have my mom have the medical power of attorney and I can have this friend of mine be my support through the pregnancy.

Here’s a question, I have gotten an investigator to get me the proof I need in the form of video/pictures. During the meeting she said she wanted me to make sure that I was ready and willing to go through with this…all the way. The reason being that after seeing such proof I could potentially be devastated even though I know something is going on…hence trying to save the marriage would be almost impossible if this is what I wanted to do…another reason is that in Illinois if I have this info. and the try to reconcile I can’t use it against him later because I knew and decided to take him back…then he’ll also be tipped off and be very very careful if he decided to continue with this behavior…harder to catch him again. Although she said I may be able to prove a pattern and that would work in my favor. Anyway, any suggestions…I do feel that I am making a final decision…here’s another thing he has started therapy, he’s seeing this therapist twice a week cause he feels he needs it. He’s been acting different with us, I don’t know if it’s the therapy or what. I do feel he’s not going to change and he’s done too much damage to the marriage…I just don’t feel he will ever leave the need to have multiple women in his life behind…I can’t deal with that. Any suggestions?

 

[Cupofkindness]

Lexee:

I can’t really speak to what the investigator found out, or about any changes in your husband since he’s going to counseling twice a week. Perhaps now that he has someone to hear him out in a non-judgemental way, he can start to deal with his many personal failures.

But one thing about the investigator: she said that if you have proof that your husband is committing adultry and you take him back, then if you decide to divorce him later on, that you can’t use evidence from an earlier phase of your marriage?

You know, I’m sure that this investigator knows a lot about what works with a judge or what is the law. But, I really think you should consult a lawyer if it’s financially possible because I don’t want to see you operating on misinformation or misunderstanding as you go forward. It’s so important that you preserve your rights as you proceed, so don’t rush anything (except that medical power of attorney). But perhaps if you slow down, you can see if your husband makes any changes. Just be careful and talk to a lawyer. Bring a supportive friend, but one who can be somewhat detached from this situation so she can help you in an objective way.

Anyway, I don’t want to add confusion to an already difficult situation. Take care.

 

[otm]

Lexee15:

I haven’t talked to a lawyer yet, but thanks for the info. I will get on that right away. I don’t want him in the delivery room and I don’t want him making any decisions concerning me or my children.

I do not want to seem cold-hearted or to ignore your pain, but since you seem headed to a divorce, a few thoughts may get you through the process in a more peaceful fashion.

1. not matter what kind of person he is, never forget they are his children too. Not just legally, but physically.
2. a corolary: He is their father; meaning they have a right to have a relationship with him whether or not you approve. Kids mostly have an innate sense of right and wrong; but bd mouthing him, preventing them from seeing him, trying to control their parent-child relationship, or trying to get them to take sides alsmost always backfires.

Lexee15:

How much of this could I do though, since he’s the legal parent etc., could I keep him from the children if I prove his affairs?

No, the law absolutely will not support that, and any hint of the could come back on you in ways you don’t want to contemplate.

Lexee15:

This is why the law is so screwed up…he has no morals or values yet the court would give him the children if something happened to me…I hate it

I understand your feelings, and I am not trying to minimize them or suggest they are not completely and totally valid.

But keep this in mind: people do not end up in divorce court becasue they are madly in love with each other and think the other is the perfect spouse. The emotions, primarily anger, but also fear, disgust, and a whole host of others tend to skew the perceptions of each of the parites about the other. An independent, outside observer would usually find some truth in each side’s statements about the other; and would almost always find that many of the statements are anywhere from overstatements to outright non-truths. Not that the staements are made with the intent to deceive, but that they are statements made through so much passion that the person making them truly believes them, even when they are not verifiable by outside observers.

I do not know if you have a job or other means of support, but I see no reason for you to not file immediately if that is the decision you are going to make. Issues of temporary spousal and child support, temporary custody, etc need to be decided.

Waiting only gives him time to try to change the situation, possibly even resulting in temporary custody to him.

In any situation in which custody is an issue, the one desiring custody needs to move first. It may be that he has no desire whatsoever for custody, but believe me, the longer you wait, the more opportunity he has to file first and attempt to dictate the process.

 

[Cupofkindness]

Lexee:

This is good advice. Please talk to a lawyer soon.

 

[Lexee15]

I don’t know what he’ll want to do, I do know this though (and I learned this lesson a bit too late…nevertheless) past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. Children get in his way of living the single life…he can’t be out bedding women if he has to take care of kids, he has four other children that he has NO relationship with. When he’s in California and has an opportunity to see the eldest daughter whose eleven now he chooses not to…the other moms don’t give permission to see those other kids so as you can imagine seeing them would take work and he’s not interested, he won’t see the one who he can whenever he wants much less the other ones who’s mom’s aren’t as accomodating.

Now, don’t think that I knew that he didn’t see his kids…when we were dating he told me he was going to see his kids etc., now what I think is that he would tell me he was going to see his kids when he was actually going gambling…I didn’t know. I didn’t realize that he didn’t see his kids until awhile after we married and his mom told me that he never saw them. I hope he has the same detachment from my kids…they don’t need the turmoil or confusion that he brings along with him…he’s toxic. And you may think I’m speaking from anger, vengance or passion and I’m not, I have finally taken my blinders off and am seeing things objectively, if he ever straightens out his life and rids himself of the alcohol and gambling addictions I would have no problem with him spending time with the children…but it is my obligation to protect my children even if it’s from their father…he’s an addict, not just an adulterer…understand where I’m coming from?

 

[Cupofkindness]

It does sound like you’ll have nothing to worry about regarding custody issues. You have the fact that he’s been an incompetant, absent father of the other four children, so you’ll certainly have no problems.

And I’m sorry that this is such a terrible situation. You’re in my prayers.

 

[otm]

Lexee15:

I don’t know what he’ll want to do, I do know this though (and I learned this lesson a bit too late…nevertheless) past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. Children get in his way of living the single life…he can’t be out bedding women if he has to take care of kids, he has four other children that he has NO relationship with. When he’s in California and has an opportunity to see the eldest daughter whose eleven now he chooses not to…the other moms don’t give permission to see those other kids so as you can imagine seeing them would take work and he’s not interested, he won’t see the one who he can whenever he wants much less the other ones who’s mom’s aren’t as accomodating.

Now, don’t think that I knew that he didn’t see his kids…when we were dating he told me he was going to see his kids etc., now what I think is that he would tell me he was going to see his kids when he was actually going gambling…I didn’t know. I didn’t realize that he didn’t see his kids until awhile after we married and his mom told me that he never saw them. I hope he has the same detachment from my kids…they don’t need the turmoil or confusion that he brings along with him…he’s toxic. And you may think I’m speaking from anger, vengance or passion and I’m not, I have finally taken my blinders off and am seeing things objectively, if he ever straightens out his life and rids himself of the alcohol and gambling addictions I would have no problem with him spending time with the children…but it is my obligation to protect my children even if it’s from their father…he’s an addict, not just an adulterer…understand where I’m coming from?

I don’t quesion where you are coming from. Neither do I question the truth of your assertions.

I am trying in a short space to make several other points: 1) if you are going to get a divorce, then waiting until your child is born makes no sense to me if you are moving out, if for no other reason than issues of spousal and child support.
2) I don’t care what he has done in the past; people change their minds, people get mad and do stupid things, and it is much better in a divorce case to be calling the shots instead of trying to respond to someone else’s shots. More than one individual has ben lulled into inactivity due to “what they knew” (which wasn’t knowledge, it was suppositions), only to find that the other person was mad, got some advice, and moved for custody. They were then on the wrong end of a totally unnecessary custody fight.
3) Some day, your children will want to know about their father - most kids do - and anything done to “taint the water”, even if it is based on truth, often comes home to haunt the person having custody. In plain English, he is their father, not your father. They are entitled to facts; they do not need your opinion of him. It may not sound kind, but you chose him. Make sure there is reasonable visitation and that he has the opportunity to visit. If he doesn’t maintain a relationship with them, you don’t have to tell them or remind them; they will figure it out.

I am not trying to be harsh or uncaring; I understand your hurt and anger. It is very real; betrayal, and repeated betrayal is devastating. I am only asking that you not let that pain and anger spill over to them; they will have enough as it is. They will most likely exhibit a want and desire for him to be in their lives; that is legitimate; children have that right. It is not meant as an afront to you; don’t add to their burden. That’s all.

 

[Lexee15]

Well one of the biggest reasons that I don’t file right away is that I don’t have health insurance I am covered through him, I would prefer not to have to worry about that during my pregnancy. I also don’t know what kind of complications I might have after the birth (God willing none), you never know…another is that I am not moving out…if anyone leaves it will be him. I am not displacing my children or myself, he’ll have to find a place to go. Also, he doesn’t know about any of this, I don’t let him think that this is over or that I’m headed in that direction, if he comes home fine, if he doesn’t fine, I don’t say a word anymore…mostly because I end up with my pressure through the roof and it’s like nothing for him, he doesn’t care. I’ve learned to just keep my mouth shut and don’t let what he does affect me…which is why he thinks all is well…he thinks that I want to keep my family together so bad that I have accepted his behavior and am willing to live with it, he’s confident in what he’s doing. I will not say anything to him until I’m ready to end things definitavely. Besides from what I’ve learned in Illinois we have to be separated at least six months before they will look at your divorce petition. Anyway, I do need to get a good attorney so I know where I stand and what I need to do when.

1. I don’t care what he has done in the past; people change their minds, people get mad and do stupid things, and it is much better in a divorce case to be calling the shots instead of trying to respond to someone else’s shots. More than one individual has ben lulled into inactivity due to “what they knew” (which wasn’t knowledge, it was suppositions), only to find that the other person was mad, got some advice, and moved for custody. They were then on the wrong end of a totally unnecessary custody fight.

I am definately not going to go into court with heresays, I will using only facts, and those facts are his addictions and his multiple affairs, that I have proof of, although his not having a relationship with his other kids all that needs to happen is ask him anything about them and he won’t know. Anyway, it doesn’t matter.

1. Some day, your children will want to know about their father - most kids do - and anything done to “taint the water”, even if it is based on truth, often comes home to haunt the person having custody. In plain English, he is their father, not your father. They are entitled to facts; they do not need your opinion of him. It may not sound kind, but you chose him. Make sure there is reasonable visitation and that he has the opportunity to visit. If he doesn’t maintain a relationship with them, you don’t have to tell them or remind them; they will figure it out.

I have no intention to bad mouth their father and will let them have a relationship with him if he and they want it. I know what it does to a child to grow up without a father…my husband’s father was killed when he was five or six years old. Alot of his issues revolve around his losing his father…so believe me the last thing I want is for my children to suffer the way he did. My opposition is if his addictions are not under control I don’t want him around them, that is not healthy for them. I would want them to have a good, healthy relationship with him…nothing more nothing less, I think they deserve at least that.

I am not trying to be harsh or uncaring; I understand your hurt and anger. It is very real; betrayal, and repeated betrayal is devastating. I am only asking that you not let that pain and anger spill over to them; they will have enough as it is. They will most likely exhibit a want and desire for him to be in their lives; that is legitimate; children have that right. It is not meant as an afront to you; don’t add to their burden. That’s all.

I am thinking of them, which is precisely why I know we need to separate. Believe me, I am living a very comfortable life and could continue to do so, all I have to do is stop caring and let him do what he wants and I’ll do what I want and I will continue to have all the things I want and live very comfortably…but I can’t. I want my children to learn by example and his is not a good example…I don’t want my son to grow up thinking it’s okay to treat women the way his father does…etc. My pain and anger is not spilling over to them I am doing this out of love for them, I want peace, tranquility and stability for them, and at this moment I am the only one who can give it to them…they will know about their father and if it’s possible they will have the opportunity to know him, but I also want an environment where they will feel safe, cared for and supported, they haven’t gotten that from their father till now…maybe he’ll change maybe he won’t…my job is to make sure they grow up well adjusted human beings.

 

[wcknight]

What an awful situation ! My prayers are with you. Not only do you need a lawyer, but you probably need a PI to investigate and get proof of your allegations.

Your word against his probably will not be proof enough of his adultery.

It sounds like you will need his financial support for your child. For now it seems like you have no other choice except for a separation or divorce, but maybe way down he road, he may grow up and recognize his horrid life style. Some people do get better, maybe with a lot of prayer, your husband may turn it all around. Keep him at arms length for now, but you may not want to slam all the doors forever.

wc

 

[amdgjmj]

Lexee, you are going through an incredibly difficult time for the sake of your children. Your attitude is amazing–so many people in much better situations are overwhelmed by self pity. I get the impression that you are already doing this, but offer up all of your sufferings either for your husband’s conversion, your baby’s safe delivery, or just for wherever Jesus wants to use them.

Also, it is important for YOU to keep your peace. It sounds like you are trying hard to do this. But you know what helps me when I am feeling anxious or not at peace? I say “Jesus, I trust in You to give me your peace.” Just keep saying it over and over again. When your husband comes home from doing who knows what, just say that prayer and you WILL feel better soon (in a few minutes, usually). After all, He is in control and can see the whole picture here. Your sufferings are accomplishing great things through Jesus.

Are you familiar with the devotion to the Divine Mercy? Get a picture of the Divine Mercy and put it where you will see it often. It can even be a little prayer card that you put on your fridge or bedside table. It says “Jesus I trust in You” at the bottom, and every time you see it, you will be saying the prayer. You can say anything afterwards, such as “to keep my children safe from evil influences” or whatever you are feeling upset about.

Are you or your husband Catholic? If so, you could suggest going to confession. If he is interested in going to therapy, maybe he’ll be open to confession. You could both go so that he doesn’t get the idea that you’re being judgemental by saying he needs to go and not you (although you have every right to say so!)

Well, I along with many others will be praying for you and your family!

 

[Lexee15]

amdgjmj:

Lexee, you are going through an incredibly difficult time for the sake of your children. Your attitude is amazing–so many people in much better situations are overwhelmed by self pity. I get the impression that you are already doing this, but offer up all of your sufferings either for your husband’s conversion, your baby’s safe delivery, or just for wherever Jesus wants to use them.

I am offering up all I can, I honestly think that offering up my suffering is what is keeping sane!!! :whacky: I want and need to believe that all this pain, disappointment and anger is not in vain, that my suffering my ease someone else’s. I do have to admit I am not as strong as I sound, I wish I didn’t have to deal with any of this, I often ask myself what I did to deserve this…and to tell the truth I don’t have to look back very far to see some of my behavior and how I may be paying the price for some of the things I’ve done. I cheated on a boyfriend once…and as much as I want to justify it by saying it was “over anyway” it isn’t right, I didn’t do things the right way. There are some other, a bit more personal, things I’ve done that I’m not proud of and knowing what I know now I would never do again. Anyway, God knows what He’s doing after all and if I must make restitution I prefer to do it in this life than in the next.

Also, it is important for YOU to keep your peace. It sounds like you are trying hard to do this. But you know what helps me when I am feeling anxious or not at peace? I say “Jesus, I trust in You to give me your peace.” Just keep saying it over and over again. When your husband comes home from doing who knows what, just say that prayer and you WILL feel better soon (in a few minutes, usually). After all, He is in control and can see the whole picture here. Your sufferings are accomplishing great things through Jesus.
Are you familiar with the devotion to the Divine Mercy? Get a picture of the Divine Mercy and put it where you will see it often. It can even be a little prayer card that you put on your fridge or bedside table. It says “Jesus I trust in You” at the bottom, and every time you see it, you will be saying the prayer. You can say anything afterwards, such as “to keep my children safe from evil influences” or whatever you are feeling upset about.

Thank you for this, I do the Divine Mercy chaplet sometimes and I’ve done the novena, but I think the small prayer you have given me will help me where ever I’m at. I’m also going to go out and find a Divine Mercy picture and prayer card.

Are you or your husband Catholic? If so, you could suggest going to confession. If he is interested in going to therapy, maybe he’ll be open to confession. You could both go so that he doesn’t get the idea that you’re being judgemental by saying he needs to go and not you (although you have every right to say so!)

I am Catholic he is not…I think that’s why he does what he does so freely, he doesn’t have to account for any of his behavior, once saved always saved…grace not works. I do go to confession, the only thing I need is to find a spiritual director to help on this journey. I sometimes feel as if I’m trying to get out and I don’t have a right to…when I read or hear about saints sufferings I feel like I’m copping out…like I’m throwing in the towel and I don’t have a right to. Jesus was nailed to a cross…surely I should be able to deal with some infidelity and addictions…no? I should be able to turn the other cheek over and over…no? I don’t want to do that, I want some peace and tranquility in my life…do I deserve that? I ask for His guidance because I want to do His will, I just hope this is it.

Well, I along with many others will be praying for you and your family!

Thank you so much.