No thank you note for Christening gift

[m_crane]

Forgive me if anyone has already said this, but for those of you who have said that you will stop giving gifts because you are afraid you won’t receive a thank you note… well… is your reason for giving the gift to receive acknowledgement for yourself and your ‘good deed’, or to be charitable and to do something good for someone else?

Could you imagine if Christ had that attitude?

I’m all for the very good practice of writing thank you notes, but I do not give gifts to people in order to receive a thank you note. I give them a gift because I care and want to do something nice.

The only reason, I am persuaded to stop giving is because I think that my gifts are not wanted when no one says thanks any form, not even verbally(notes aside). I am also of your thinking and ask what would Christ do? It’s funny but I remember a passage when Jesus cured some lepers and only one came back to thank Him, He asked the leper where the others were?

Do we have a obligation to teach the ill mannered to be gracious?

 

[m_crane]

Forgive me if anyone has already said this, but for those of you who have said that you will stop giving gifts because you are afraid you won’t receive a thank you note… well… is your reason for giving the gift to receive acknowledgement for yourself and your ‘good deed’, or to be charitable and to do something good for someone else?

Could you imagine if Christ had that attitude?

I’m all for the very good practice of writing thank you notes, but I do not give gifts to people in order to receive a thank you note. I give them a gift because I care and want to do something nice.

The only reason, I am persuaded to stop giving is because I think that my gifts are not wanted when no one says thanks any form, not even verbally(notes aside). I am also of your thinking and ask what would Christ do? It’s funny but I remember a passage when Jesus cured some lepers and only one came back to thank Him, He asked the leper where the others were?

Do we have a obligation to teach the ill mannered to be gracious?

 

[LilyM]

The only reason, I am persuaded to stop giving is because I think that my gifts are not wanted when no one says thanks any form, not even verbally(notes aside). I am also of your thinking and ask what would Christ do? It’s funny but I remember a passage when Jesus cured some lepers and only one came back to thank Him, He asked the leper where the others were?

Jesus did make that comment - but remember he cured the other nine regardless, KNOWING beforehand that they would not thank Him for it. He certainly didn’t take back His cure, nor chase after them demanding that they come back and thank Him. And remember too that He didn’t stop curing people after experiencing this ingratitude either.

I’m sure He didn’t choose who to cure based on the gratitude that they would show afterwards, if so He wouldn’t have cured those nine to begin with.

Do we have a obligation to teach the ill mannered to be gracious?

If they’re adults, as they are here, your obligation is pretty much nil. Even be they your own children, let alone someone else’s. You may be responsible for your brother’s soul, but bad manners isn’t an issue of sin or loss of salvation.

Even were there to be an obligation, the question arises of how best to fulfil the obligation. Failing to send presents is unlikely to be a useful method - very likely they would not even notice.

 

[puzzleannie]

Forgive me if anyone has already said this, but for those of you who have said that you will stop giving gifts because you are afraid you won’t receive a thank you note… .

that is not what we said, we said we worry when we receive no acknowledgement whatever that the gift was received, we aren’t asking for fulsome letter of gratitude, just a thanks verbal, email, any way, at the event, when you see us at the grocery store or even by way of a third party. If there is no response a) how do we know you even got it and b) if not even simulated thanks, how do we know you are not one of the many who have posted here saying they don’t want gifts because the whole thing is a bore and a burden. If you are b) which is our kindest assumption, then obviously we don’t want to burdern you further, or to give something unwelcome and unwanted. If you would communicate, we would know your preference, but deafening silence means we have to draw our own conclusions.

Two separate families of children to whom we are godparents have expressed dismay and resentment that a special gift to the godchild is not given to all the children of the family, who don’t get a godparent gift, because their own godparents just don’t see the need. Since this was a cause for hurt feelings, naturally we stopped giving gifts because we put the preferences of our friends over our own natural desire to shop for, wrap, mail or bring the perfect gift.

 

[maggie2]

Puzzleannie - I hadn’t read through most of the thread, but was writing in response to comments such as these:

Originally Posted by FrenchGwen

• that being said, there is a difference between forgetting to thank once… and systematically not acknowledging repeated gifts in ANY way. First one may be treated with leniency. But in case of repeated offence I would indeed stop sending gifts.

I am persuaded by several posters to agree and I will not be bringing or sending anymore gifts.

to me, it sounded like the giver was expecting something in return and it was an ‘offense’ that their end of the bargain was not held up by sending a thank you note. The gifts were not stopped because of being unsure about whether or not they wanted them, or because they indeed didn’t want gifts, as in your case. The gifts in this case were given under the condition that a thank you note was given in return. When there was no thank you note, then the consequence is no gift.

 

[seopositive2]

Thank you, very fascinating to read, you should follow impressive of your thread. I was very reveling to control your contents from prison term to sentence. We are depending forward to your future situations.
Wall Stickers

 

[rayne89]

I don’t give gifts expecting thank you notes but I do know plenty of 20 somthing’s who still send them. My parents recently attended the wedding of one of my friend’s daughters who is 20. My dad asked a few weeks later if I had received a thank you note yet. I wasn’t even sure if I had yet.I had to check. My parents are elderly - I think its a generational thing. For them its extremely rude not to acknowledge a gift. A couple weeks later we did get one (and my parents too of course.) We attended a teenage boy’s high school graduation party and got a hand written note from him. All the recent events of young people graduations,baptisms, showers, weddings -we all got thank you’s. I do think the new tradition at showers of having you address your own envelope for the thank you during the shower is tacky. But I suppose it is convenient for the bride/ mom-to-be.

Anyway I think purplesunshine is not presenting a mature attitude. This isn’t about whether your generation feels its important, its about those that are giving the gifts feel its important. Life isn’t about just pleasing yourself. Considering other people’s feelings should be important to you -otherwise you come off as selfish and ill mannered, not to mention not very mature.

 

[Joan_M]

I’m posting as a person in their 20’s about my sibiling in his 20’s and friend’s in their 20’s.

If you older crowd don’t like it, tough.

Now, that is rude.

 

[Joan_M]

Having read the entire thread I must say that there seems to be two issues here -

(1) a number of people seem to think that those of us (me included) who do not like our gifts not being acknowledged by a thank you note are only giving gifts in order for our generosity to be publicly acknowledged and

(2) a number of people apparently consider good manners to be passe.

To take (2) first - good manners never go out of fashion, even though technology has changed. Whereas years ago a thank you note needed to be a personally hand written short letter, these days it is perfectly acceptable to send a thank you card, or make a phone call, or send an email, or, even a text. But it remains the responsibility of the recipient of a gift to convey their thanks to the giver. Rudeness is totally unacceptable, no matter how many young people may think otherwise. No matter how apparently successful they appear to be in their careers, rudeness will have repercussions, if not now, then in the future.

In the case of (1), I do not know of anyone I have ever met who sends gifts because they want to be publicly thanked, but, even if they did, that does not reduce the responsibility of the recipient to thank them.

If I send a gift - particularly via mail, delivery directly from a store, etc. - I need to know if they received it. Why? Well, I want them to receive it and would like to know if I need to follow up with the post office, courier, etc., to make sure that they get it.

I fully agree with those posters who say that, if the person they sent gifts to never sends thank yous they will no longer send them gifts. You see, ignoring common courtesy like that also tells me that they care nothing for me or my signs of affection for them. Why, then, should I waste my time and money on them? I can increase the value of gifts I send to those who care.

 

[PaulinVA]

Anyway I think purplesunshine is not presenting a mature attitude. This isn’t about whether your generation feels its important, its about those that are giving the gifts feel its important. Life isn’t about just pleasing yourself. Considering other people’s feelings should be important to you -otherwise you come off as selfish and ill mannered, not to mention not very mature.

Ding! Ding! That’s it!

If you care about people, you meet them where they are. The fact that you think* your* generation has abandoned all signs of politeness and good breeding does not mean everyone has.

 

[ElisabethM]

Timely post! I have just been mulling over the same question. Here’s my story . . .

Almost a year ago (end of May 2009), my niece was married. I debated about even going to the wedding because she was already living with the man. But for my brother’s sake, we made an enormous financial sacrifice to take our family of 6 to the wedding.

She was registered at many stores but I decided to get the couple something “special”, as opposed to ordering from a registry. So I purchased a large basket and made a gift basket of many specialties from our Amish and Mennonite stores. It cost considerably more than I would have spent ordering from the registry, but was filled with things I thought they would like, and I know our family enjoy.

The wedding was a lavish affair, and the bride herself had to be carried out at the end, blotto drunk.:sad_yes: The next day my brother hosted a garden party just for family with the newly “married” couple. It was there I and my sister presented our gifts (my sister gave them a hand-stitched doily but their family had also sent a registry gift). I think the bride said “thank you” after they opened our gift, but I could tell the gift was not well regarded. (She had to have been suffering from a whopping hangover–poor dear).

Several, as in about 8, months after the wedding, I realized we had not received any note from the couple. I asked my sister if she had gotten a thank you note and she said, only for the doily, no mention of the registry gift.

“purplesunshine” expressed so perfectly the problem–self-centered rudeness. This kind of thoughtlessness is so distressing because it represents a break in human relationships.

Gift-giving is a social convention and is one-half of a circle of communication. The circle is not complete unless and until there is a comparable response. To not respond with a thank-you note is an insult and slap in the face to the giver. It is like standing mute while someone pours out their heart to you. How can anyone think it is okay?

We did not give the gift in order to be thanked, but the lack of thanklessness spoke loudly about the lack of meaningful relationship, and that is very sad. Maybe I shouldn’t hold this against them because, after all, they’re just reflecting the reality of the “non-relationship” that exists between us. But, then, I say, why should I play this game?

The reason this is an issue now is the younger sister of last year’s bride is likely to be getting married within a year. Do we play the wedding game again? The sisters are different, but very alike. I don’t think the younger is an alcoholic like the older one, but the shallow moral and intellectual natures they share is troubling.

For my family, my children absolutely write thank you notes for EVERY gift received as I do I. If we’re the last family on earth who does so, we will carry on.

I do agree with the idea of stop giving gifts if prior ones have gone unacknowledged. I practice this also where I have shared material for which I’ve received no thanks or any acknowledgment.

 

[SwizzleStick]

While I do the best I can to teach my children good manners on my watch (I hope the manners stick with them when they make their own way in the world and see what many others are, or more accurately, are not, doing) and have standards for myself as well, I do have out-of-state nieces and nephews who have never been taught good manners and who never acknowledge gifts that we send for their birthdays and Christmas. I still send gifts and will do so until they reach the age of 18 or maybe even 21. Years ago, I would once in awhile ask to be sure that they actually received the package/gift card and they always had, so I now know when I send the gifts that I’ll never hear if they received them, if they liked them, if they hated them, or anything at all. It is a given that they just lack basic manners because they haven’t been taught and just don’t know any better, that they don’t have simple courtesy to at least acknowledge receipt of a gift. It is a negative for them that they have that known distinction, but that is the reality.

 

[puzzleannie]

I think both sides here are correctly identifying, even if they respond differently, the underlying problem with gift giving in general, a problem that results in changing culture in how we view celebratory events in general. What used to be a time for friends and family to rejoice in the birth or baptism of a baby, a wedding, sacramental initiations, and other milestones which are essentially gifts from God, at events intended to invite those close to you to celebrate with you and share in the graces received. The gifts were incidental and meant either to share in the cost of the celebration, or as a token of love and esteem.

Now it seems gift-giving, as it is tied to lifetime milestones, is now just an extension of consumerism. I think purplesunshine has hit the nail on the head in observing that some people regard the gift as a ticket for admission, and the thank-you as a receipt, and she and others quite rightly want to buy out of that whole mentality.

I wonder why gift-giving has degenerated to the point where a gift springing from spontaneous good wishes and throughfulness, is now regarded as a burden not a benefice. How close to the way our society views gifts from God. Children are a burden not a blessing, marriage is a set of obligations from which we can walk away if they become onerous, not the creation of a new God-filled entity, sacraments of initiation are prizes awarded at the end of an obstacle course, not a sharing in Christ’s life. another poster asked what Christ’s attitude would be to all this. The literal meaning of the word Eucharist is Thanksgiving, which means He expects to be thanked for his gifts, definitely, and the whole Mass celebrates his gift, our reception of the gift, our response, and most definitely, our putting the gift to its proper use.

 

[letterstopriest]

So how many of you have taken the time to write a thank you note to a priest. You have the opportunity to have one published for all time. You can give this incredible project to your grandchildren while teaching them the value of a thank you note. Please look at this site and write a thank you letter. We are almost ready but need more letters. This is a tribute to Catholicism.

ncregister.com/blog/catholics_in_new_media_letters_to_priests

Anne

 

[SwizzleStick]

So how many of you have taken the time to write a thank you note to a priest. …

I’ve written thank yous to priests multiple times. I’ve also posted on the following website to show support and gratitude to our own parish priests, as well as to all priests and clergy.

thankyoufather.com/

…You have the opportunity to have one published for all time. You can give this incredible project to your grandchildren while teaching them the value of a thank you note. Please look at this site and write a thank you letter. We are almost ready but need more letters. This is a tribute to Catholicism.

ncregister.com/blog/catholics_in_new_media_letters_to_priests

Anne

Sounds like a wonderful opportunity and a very worthy pusuit to thank all our clergy. Thanks for the link!

 

[gmarie21]

I think both sides here are correctly identifying, even if they respond differently, the underlying problem with gift giving in general, a problem that results in changing culture in how we view celebratory events in general. What used to be a time for friends and family to rejoice in the birth or baptism of a baby, a wedding, sacramental initiations, and other milestones which are essentially gifts from God, at events intended to invite those close to you to celebrate with you and share in the graces received. The gifts were incidental and meant either to share in the cost of the celebration, or as a token of love and esteem.

Now it seems gift-giving, as it is tied to lifetime milestones, is now just an extension of consumerism. I think purplesunshine has hit the nail on the head in observing that some people regard the gift as a ticket for admission, and the thank-you as a receipt, and she and others quite rightly want to buy out of that whole mentality.

I wonder why gift-giving has degenerated to the point where a gift springing from spontaneous good wishes and throughfulness, is now regarded as a burden not a benefice. How close to the way our society views gifts from God. Children are a burden not a blessing, marriage is a set of obligations from which we can walk away if they become onerous, not the creation of a new God-filled entity, sacraments of initiation are prizes awarded at the end of an obstacle course, not a sharing in Christ’s life. another poster asked what Christ’s attitude would be to all this. The literal meaning of the word Eucharist is Thanksgiving, which means He expects to be thanked for his gifts, definitely, and the whole Mass celebrates his gift, our reception of the gift, our response, and most definitely, our putting the gift to its proper use.

Very good summation. Recently we were invited to my cousin’s oldest’s graduation party that is also combined with their other children’s birthday. We barely have the money for a graduation gift, let alone two birthday gifts (and this is in between two weddings - one of another cousin, one of my step-brother - in another state, and my younger brother’s college graduation in MD which we will be attending - which is the same time as my step-brother’s wedding and across the country from each other). So, while I’d love to attend the celebration for my cousin’s kids, it would be seen as beyond rude if I showed up with no gifts for all three kids. So, we’re not going.

I am of the mindset that I pretty much am tired of the materialism (have been for many years) of holidays, birthdays, and milestones. Sacraments are the only celebrations that I think gifts should be given, but appropriate gifts - Baptisms should be Bibles and religious books for children, First Holy Communions, again, religious gifts, Confirmations, again spiritual reading is great, and weddings, things to help the couple start their life together, material needs and some reading to help couples along the path. I also don’t mind helping to celebrate a birth.

Maybe I’d feel different if I had more money, but I also hate being on the receiving end. We are inundated with everyone’s gifts for the kids. They don’t need all this stuff. I’m sure they would rather have the relatives visit them, or even take them to a carnival or have a special day with different relatives. I know that I prefer having small groups of friends and relatives over (not at the same time) so that we can visit and reconnect.

 

[zaramarie81]

I think this has so much to do with so many factors. For one, I try to make the effort to send thank-you’s. I really do. But a few things come into play:

1. As others have pointed out, a more casual etiquette in our culture
2. Upbringing (my mom did try to teach us to write thank-you’s)
3. Business/forgetfulness

I have mixed feelings about the “I’ll show them and stop sending gifts mentality.” I do know it’s frustrating to not get acknowledged, however a gift is an expression of love where you don’t demand something in return. I had a relative say this to my face once, and let me tell you I never *wanted *another gift from her again. I never even expected gifts from her in the first place… I definitely wasn’t asking for them!

Here’s something to consider that may help ease the pain of not receiving an acknowledgment: I don’t forget the person who gave me the gift. I just get overwhelmed with the details of life sometimes and I tend to be quite ADD (no I am not just throwing that term around, I do have ADD tendencies). I do try, but as an example: this month I mixed up three different events trying to keep track of the dates. Seriously I was a mess… I asked my boss off for the wrong day and everything. I am impressed that I even remembered to bring a gift to one of the events. Another issue is snail mail vs. email. I rarely snail mail anything… it’s not a habit of mine, thanks to the glories of electronic billing, etc. *In fact, it’s stressful for me to keep up with snail mail. *I probably sound like an idiot (reading my words, I do sound like an idiot), but it’s the truth.

I am a smart girl with quite a capacity for intellectual knowledge, but terrible with this kind of practical stuff and it is frustrating to me as I know it can send the wrong message to others. So please be patient with those of us who are etiquette-challenged and trying to improve. Most of us really do care for you and are very thankful.

 

[m_crane]

“purplesunshine” expressed so perfectly the problem–self-centered rudeness. This kind of thoughtlessness is so distressing because it represents a break in human relationships.

Gift-giving is a social convention and is one-half of a circle of communication. The circle is not complete unless and until there is a comparable response. To not respond with a thank-you note is an insult and slap in the face to the giver. It is like standing mute while someone pours out their heart to you. How can anyone think it is okay?

We did not give the gift in order to be thanked, but the lack of thanklessness spoke loudly about the lack of meaningful relationship, and that is very sad.

This is exactly how I feel about the issue. Thank you ElisabethM for giving me the words, i was looking for to express my feelings

 

[dulcissima]

To the OP, you mention that you spend a lot of time with this family. Is that because you enjoy them and they are happy to spend their time with you? That should be what matters most.

Thank yous are nice, and should be a priority to those who receive gifts. However, not everyone sends them. I probably would not assume that someone who I spend a lot of time with and have a good relationship with does not appreciate my gift simply because they fail to formally acknowledge it with words. Maybe their ongoing relationship with you is an indication that they appreciate you for a lot more than just the material things that you give them. You know, there is even a chance that if you didn’t send a gift for some occasion, that they would not be sitting around wondering if that means that you don’t care for them anymore. Gift giving and thank you note writing are both optional, and the lack thereof of either of these things doesn’t necessarily mean that two parties in a relationship don’t appreciate each other.

Give this family gifts if you wish, but use some charity when you reflect on the lack of a thank you note. It could be that they are busy or not well organized. They might also be the sort of people who spent time thinking about what to say, but then failed to realize they never followed through and sent a note. If you have a good relationship with them, it makes sense to assume the best about their intentions.

 

[katy]

FWIW, I know of an instance where gifts were not acknowledged because there was an enormously bad event that happened afterward and the person who might have written the thank you notes was so stunned that they just couldn’t do it. Rare, I know, but possible in other circumstances.