Non practicing parents and tension

[snowflakeinlove]

I grew up in a non practicing Catholic home. After moving out recently, I’ve started to really practice my faith, and my parents weren’t very happy when they found out. I find that this is causing tension between my family and me.
It’s hard for my parents because they are not only getting used to the idea of me being independent and growing up, but now they have to get used to me being religious. It`s kind of a shock I guess.

I don’t think they have a problem with me believing in God or anything, but they feel like it’s foolish of me to waste so much time in church and be devoted to something I can’t prove/see. They think it is all superstition. They will say something like "don’t you have work to do?, or “do you have to go every week” when I tell them I’m going to mass, or “you were gone for two hours?!” and have made negative comments about the Church and religion in general in the past.

This is what it’s like when I’m away from home. I’m going back home to visit in 3 weeks, and I feel like there will be more tension when I go back home. Telling them was difficult enough. Now that Im going home, I'm worried I'm not going to know how to react/reply, or that theyll try to pressure me into not going to mass or something.

I am sure some of you here were/are in similar situations, any advice?

 

[silicasandra]

I grew up in a non-practicing Protestant home and converted to Catholicism when I was in college. My parents weren’t rude about it, necessarily, but I could tell it made them uncomfortable that I was now “religious” when it was clear that they had other priorities.

I just avoid talking about it with them. I know we are called to evangelize, but in my house if you even said “God” you were a religious weirdo, so I focus on living my life and being a good Catholic no matter where I am or who I’m with. I don’t have to constantly bring up being Catholic to do it, but if I’m visiting my family and someone is watching an immoral TV show or something like that, I just leave the room. I say grace privately before I eat, and ask to borrow a car on Sunday morning so I can go to Mass (they live across the country so I have to fly there). That’s about the extent of it. If they choose to get bothered by that, that’s their problem. Maybe it’ll be a nudge in the right direction for them, but they certainly can’t accuse me of being on their case about how holy I am and how horrible they are.

(If they did, I just wouldn’t visit them anymore.)

 

[Julia_Mae]

I am sure some of you here were/are in similar situations, any advice?

Parents feel guilty. You finding all of this on your own means to them that they failed you. Guilt over being a poor parent is pretty much the worst there is. So, to not feel that, they tell themselves you are going through a phase and try to minimize it in some way.

Try to keep it to yourself as much as possible. As you are not living at home, where you go and for how long is not their business.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I grew up in a non practicing Catholic home. After moving out recently, I’ve started to really practice my faith, and my parents weren’t very happy when they found out. I find that this is causing tension between my family and me.
It’s hard for my parents because they are not only getting used to the idea of me being independent and growing up, but now they have to get used to me being religious. It`s kind of a shock I guess.

I don’t think they have a problem with me believing in God or anything, but they feel like it’s foolish of me to waste so much time in church and be devoted to something I can’t prove/see. They think it is all superstition. They will say something like "don’t you have work to do?, or “do you have to go every week” when I tell them I’m going to mass, or “you were gone for two hours?!” and have made negative comments about the Church and religion in general in the past.

This is what it’s like when I’m away from home. I’m going back home to visit in 3 weeks, and I feel like there will be more tension when I go back home. Telling them was difficult enough. Now that Im going home, I'm worried I'm not going to know how to react/reply, or that theyll try to pressure me into not going to mass or something.

I am sure some of you here were/are in similar situations, any advice?

Yeah…Tell them you’ve decided to join a religious order and forgo marriage and a career.



Then they will be relieved when you just say, “I’m kidding, but I will be going to Mass every Sunday while I’m home.”



Just do what you need to do, and refuse to get into uncomfortable discussions with them. Tell them you love them very much, and you’d appreciate it very much if they would simply respect your decisions, and you will respect theirs. Then smile, and change the subject. Be the picture of a joyful Catholic. As tempting as it might be, don’t point out their sins to them.

 

[snowflakeinlove]

Thanks for your replies.

Try to keep it to yourself as much as possible. As you are not living at home, where you go and for how long is not their business.

It is to my parents. They call me often during the day, asking me where I am and what I am doing. It’s hard for them I think… I just went off to university so they still see me as a little kid sometimes. =)

I didn’t make it clear in my original post, but when I said moving out, I meant to university. When I’m not in school. I still live at home.

Yeah…Tell them you’ve decided to join a religious order and forgo marriage and a career.



Then they will be relieved when you just say, “I’m kidding, but I will be going to Mass every Sunday while I’m home.”

.

I’ve honestly thought of doing that before

I’m not thinking of being very confrontational and bringing up my faith all the time- I hate conflict- but sometimes what happens is my parents will bring things like this up. I will tell them how I have a huge exam in a few days and sometimes they will say something like “then why did you go to church when you should have stayed home to study?” Or something like that. So on the contrary, I’m worried about my parents making me feel guilty and try to guilt me out of going to mass-- which is not an option.

 

[Dorothy]

“snowflakeinlove”,

Remember that Jesus said families will be divided because of Him. It sounds like your parents’ consciences may be disturbed by seeing you practice your faith.

Just love them and ask the Lord for the grace to be at peace about the situation. It will be difficult at first, but worth it. Keep praying for yourself and them. The closer you become to the Lord, depending on Him for help, is the way to effect change in others.

Be strong in His grace, He will never leave you. Ask Our Blessed Mother to pray for you.

Our challenges prove our love for the Lord!

Godspeed on your journey.

 

[anilorak13ska]

Thank you for starting this thread. I hope you get lots more feedback, as I could also use the advice!

I grew up in a “religious” home, the kind where you go through all the motions, but you don’t talk about faith as that’s a “private matter”. What’s considered moral seems to be based primarily on individual conscience, not at all formed by the Catechism or the Bible.

When I was a senior in high school, I briefly considered religious life, but was quickly dissuaded and discouraged. This was followed by several years of exploring various religions, and finally I committed my life to Christ, returned to the Catholic church, and last year in particular, my husband and I both underwent a strong growth in our faith.

We are now involved with various ministries at our church, attend Mass regularly, at times on days that are “not required”, and we know plenty of people at our church - something I’ve never experienced before.

Often when I tell my mom where I am or where I’m going, she jokes that it sounds like we’ve moved in to the church. She comments about how “holy” I am because I’ve started paying more attention to the modesty of my clothes. I still struggle with what’s the appropriate way to handle grace, if it’s pleasing to God if I simply thank Him quietly without being “obvious”.

One of the most difficult things I’ve done, and prematurely, was to first ask my mom to be godmother to our future child (still no kids, btw), and then some years later, once our faith became important to us, telling her that I’d still like her to be a guardian in case something happens to us, but that I’d want someone who is open to talking about their faith to be godparent. I know this hurt her, because she took offense to the suggestion that I thought she didn’t believe in God, or that she was a bad role model, but I didn’t want to make that choice simply to honor someone. Now I know I shouldn’t have ever been talking about those things before first having a child.

At any rate, I wish I had advice for you, OP, but I don’t feel right giving advice when I’m not even taking it myself.

To TheRealJuliane, wish I had taken that advice before I started pointing out to my mom every time she used the Lord’s name in vain! It really makes me uncomfortable to hear it, and I have a hard time knowing the line between honoring my parents and not putting them before God.

 

[Dorothy]

“anilorak”,

Don’t feel badly about explaining to your mom that when you have a baby you will need someone in the faith to be godmother. Pray for her, and the witness you gave by telling her that can help her want to know her faith better. Such things can jog people’s consciences.

All things work unto good for those who love God.

Thanks for sharing your experiences!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks for your replies.

It is to my parents. They call me often during the day, asking me where I am and what I am doing. It’s hard for them I think… I just went off to university so they still see me as a little kid sometimes. =)

I didn’t make it clear in my original post, but when I said moving out, I meant to university. When I’m not in school. I still live at home.

I’ve honestly thought of doing that before

I’m not thinking of being very confrontational and bringing up my faith all the time- I hate conflict- but sometimes what happens is my parents will bring things like this up. I will tell them how I have a huge exam in a few days and sometimes they will say something like “then why did you go to church when you should have stayed home to study?” Or something like that. So on the contrary, I’m worried about my parents making me feel guilty and try to guilt me out of going to mass-- which is not an option.

“Thanks so much for being concerned, Mom/Dad, but you wouldn’t believe how much 1 hour in church clears my mind!”

Mom/Dad: “But what a waste of time!”

You: “It takes me a lot longer than an hour every time I go to the grocery store - should I stop eating too? Speaking of eating, when will dinner be ready? Is there anything I can do to help?”

 

[klm120861]

Fast and pray. Pick one day or one meal or whatever and offer it up as a fast for your parents, that the Holy Spirit would move in their lives and that they would want to become actively involved in their faith. It works. It takes time, so be committed to continuing to fast until they “make that decision on their own”. And they will think they made it on their own. Only you will know that you fasted and prayed for them. That the Holy Spirit drew them. I call it not fighting fair. Conversion is the Holy Spirit’s job anyway, so get him involved.
Kris

 

[Margarete_Faust]

I definitely go through the exact same thing with my family. My father is very secretly devout (I only found out from his co-workers about a year ago that he very regularly goes to Mass on weekdays… and lies to my mother about it all of the time). My mother, on the other hand, is a very confused Christian. She believes in God, but does nothing more than Sunday Mass when it comes to devotion and attempting to understand God. She has always wanted me and my sisters to “fit in”. When my twin sister and I had a religious awakening in our early teens, it bothered my mother. She did not seem to be very comfortable with the fact that we suddenly wanted to read the Bible and spend more time at church. My mother used to rub our mistakes in our faces and say “And you call yourself so Christian! You’re a terrible Christian!” Like my father would secretly go to daily Mass, I went on “Walmart runs” just to go to confession the moment I got my driver’s license.

College gave me an opportunity to explore my faith with complete freedom. I started doing things with the Newman Center at my university, and I was so excited that I could not contain my excitement the first time I visited home. My mother sat me down and told me to “stop being a freak” and to find “real friends at frat parties”. My father, who has always remained quiet about anything in terms of his faith in front of my mother, finally stood up for me (I mean, what good father would not after his daughter is being pressured to go to frat parties inside of church?). Anyway, my faith has always been a tense topic between me and my mom. I think it is a sense of guilt. I think for my mother, it’s also a sense of shame. As long as she had had it in her head that going to church would be enough to guarantee her salvation, she was comfortable with her life. I think my practices make her afraid because she is constantly comparing herself to other people, and seeing me go to church when she decides to sleep in every once in a while takes away the luxury of thinking she will be alright. It’s been 6 years since I left home, and my mom is a little more comfortable with talking to me about my practices (I do not try to hide them so much anymore), but she still tells me to dress sexier and to date the bad boy instead of the nice church-going man.

Stay strong. Remember that your Father is in Heaven and He is the one who is worthy of your love. Don’t stop loving your family. Pray for them, but accept that they may never understand. If you want to keep peace, just do your best to not do obvious acts of devotion that will make them uncomfortable. Go on “Walmart runs” when you want to go to church. Pray the rosary when you go to bed at night and the lights are out. Your Heavenly Father is the one that matters the most.

 

[jeannetherese]

Perhaps your pastor might have some guidance for you? He will have seen so many different situations among his parishioners and will be able to tailor his advice to your specific situation.
I hope that you will be able to find ways to continue to grow in faith and love and be strong in your ability to keep Our Lord’s commandments. May God bless you. Amen.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Fast and pray. Pick one day or one meal or whatever and offer it up as a fast for your parents, that the Holy Spirit would move in their lives and that they would want to become actively involved in their faith. It works. It takes time, so be committed to continuing to fast until they “make that decision on their own”. And they will think they made it on their own. Only you will know that you fasted and prayed for them. That the Holy Spirit drew them. I call it not fighting fair. Conversion is the Holy Spirit’s job anyway, so get him involved.
Kris

Beautiful advice.

:clapping::clapping:

 

[snowflakeinlove]

Thank you all for your replies and great advice
I feel less worried and anxious now, and I will keep everything you said in mind. I’ll let you all know how it goes

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I tend to be very straightforward with my parents, and some might say too much. But it works in my family, so take my advice with that in mind…

If I were in your position, I would probably just cut to the chase the next time a comment is made, “Mom, common. I’m going to church, not going out and partying and getting drunk. Going to Mass is not going to hurt me, and in fact it is very important to me, and I plan to continue to go, regardless of how busy my week is. I’m not going to stop going to save an hour out of my day/week, and if I need to make time to study, I’ll find the hour somewhere else. Do you really think that my going to Mass is going to cause me to slide academically? Maybe you just don’t like that I’m doing something different now, but like I said, it’s a wholesome activity. Could you please just leave me alone about the Mass thing?”

Granted, this comment could result in an argument, but if you keep your cool and just reiterate, “Mom, this is a wholesome activity that isn’t hurting me and doesn’t take any time. I just want you to respect that it is important to me enough to not try to convince me not to go,” you will probably make your point well. And then in the future if she does it again, you don’t have to have the whole conversation over and over again, you can just brush it off with a comment like, “we’ve been over this already. so anyway…” or even simpler, “…anyway…” or a cheerful, “well we all know THAT’s not going to happen!”

 

[DarkLight]

“Thanks so much for being concerned, Mom/Dad, but you wouldn’t believe how much 1 hour in church clears my mind!”

Mom/Dad: “But what a waste of time!”

You: “It takes me a lot longer than an hour every time I go to the grocery store - should I stop eating too? Speaking of eating, when will dinner be ready? ** Is there anything I can do to help?**”

This. Especially the highlighted bit. Don’t give them anything to complain about with your behavior.

 

[snowflakeinlove]

Thanks Darklight and Kingdomlight.
I ended up visiting my parents last week instead of next weekend as planned.
My parents didn’t say anything when I told them I was going to mass, but after I got back, they told me “We don’t want you to spend so much time in church. There are so many other things you could be doing. Be smart about it”

I also overheard my parents saying when I wasn’t in the room that they were worried about me “wasting all my time for superstition” and they said something about my (Catholic) friends not being a good influence on me. They’re not even happy that I’m attending socials hosted by the Catholic students association. Which is strange because they’ve been encouraging me to go to more social events since before I started university. But not these, 'cause they’re catholic. I get the impression they think the students there are proselytizing or something.
It almost makes me feel guilty that I’m making my parents worry. And I feel that my faith is creating, like I said before, an awkward feeling of tension in our relationship. I don’t know how to maintain a healthy relationship with my parents, without compromising my faith. I don’t impose my faith on my parents, I’m quiet about it unless they ask, but it still upsets them so much.

What do I do?

 

[Dorothy]

Thanks Darklight and Kingdomlight.
I ended up visiting my parents last week instead of next weekend as planned.
My parents didn’t say anything when I told them I was going to mass, but after I got back, they told me “We don’t want you to spend so much time in church. There are so many other things you could be doing. Be smart about it”

I also overheard my parents saying when I wasn’t in the room that they were worried about me “wasting all my time for superstition” and they said something about my (Catholic) friends not being a good influence on me. They’re not even happy that I’m attending socials hosted by the Catholic students association. Which is strange because they’ve been encouraging me to go to more social events since before I started university. But not these, 'cause they’re catholic. I get the impression they think the students there are proselytizing or something.
It almost makes me feel guilty that I’m making my parents worry. And I feel that my faith is creating, like I said before, an awkward feeling of tension in our relationship. I don’t know how to maintain a healthy relationship with my parents, without compromising my faith. I don’t impose my faith on my parents, I’m quiet about it unless they ask, but it still upsets them so much.

Dear “Snowflake”,

Pray for wisdom! (we should all be praying for wisdom every day). Ask the Father in Jesus’ name and for His greater glory the words you need to express to your parents, without fear, what is in your heart.

Remember in the Sacred Scriptures Jesus said that He has come to bring a sword, not peace. By saying this he was referring to that situation you describe, as well as other similar scenarios that have to do with standing up to what you believe in without compromise. It can plant a seed of truth in their minds. Pray for them also.

What do I do?

 

[anilorak13ska]

Maybe you could express how you’re feeling on paper? Perhaps writing down the jist of what you believe and why, and why it’s important to you, and giving it to your parents to read when you’re not there, so they can have time to digest it, may help.

Maybe their impression of religiosity is something extreme they may have seen on tv or something, and by reading black on white what you actually believe may ease some of their worries.

Also, explaining why your faith is important to you may also help them see that it is actually helping you in all areas of your life, and not hindering you as they assume.

Keep us posted on your progress.

 

[silicasandra]

Thanks Darklight and Kingdomlight.
I ended up visiting my parents last week instead of next weekend as planned.
My parents didn’t say anything when I told them I was going to mass, but after I got back, they told me “We don’t want you to spend so much time in church. There are so many other things you could be doing. Be smart about it”

I also overheard my parents saying when I wasn’t in the room that they were worried about me “wasting all my time for superstition” and they said something about my (Catholic) friends not being a good influence on me. They’re not even happy that I’m attending socials hosted by the Catholic students association. Which is strange because they’ve been encouraging me to go to more social events since before I started university. But not these, 'cause they’re catholic. I get the impression they think the students there are proselytizing or something.
It almost makes me feel guilty that I’m making my parents worry. And I feel that my faith is creating, like I said before, an awkward feeling of tension in our relationship. I don’t know how to maintain a healthy relationship with my parents, without compromising my faith. I don’t impose my faith on my parents, I’m quiet about it unless they ask, but it still upsets them so much.

What do I do?

I think anilorak’s suggestion of a letter is a good one, because you can take time to organize your thoughts, and they’ll have time to read it and digest it before you see each other again.

Honestly, though, I am having a really hard time understanding why you spending one hour of your week at Mass is “not smart” in their eyes. That is super extreme. If my parents were to say that to me, I would probably respond with something like, “Don’t worry; I am” (because you are) and then make a mental note to not tell them anything else about my social life, basically ever. The comments they made about you were disrespectful (yes, you weren’t technically supposed to overhear - unless you were but they didn’t want to say these things to your face). Maybe you need to lessen your contact with them when you’re not at home. You are an adult and they don’t need to know every little thing about you, especially since you’re not engaging in any risky behavior. When they call, tell them that you’re fine and you’re making friends and are happy (if that’s all true, I wouldn’t advise you to lie) and that you’re glad they care enough about you to check. Keep conversation light and chit-chatty.

It seems to me like they don’t want to cut the apron strings. Maybe they need a nudge in that direction from you.