Non practicing parents and tension

[snowflakeinlove]

Thanks again for your advice. I really really appreciate it It makes me feel so much better when I talk about this.

Honestly, though, I am having a really hard time understanding why you spending one hour of your week at Mass is “not smart” in their eyes.

Yeah, I’m almost positive that if it were anything else that I was going to, they would have no objections. My parents were never strict. I never got into trouble so they always trusted me and let me do pretty much whatever I wanted to do.

I think what scares my parents is that I’m actually serious about my faith now. I’m not just going to church once in a while or something, I’ve actually made the commitment to go to mass every week, no matter what. I don’t think they understand how something could be that important. I might not have made it clear in the first thread,but my parents are not just non-practicing, they are agnostic/atheist.
What I’m most afraid of is that my parents will end up seeing the Catholic church as some kind of enemy that brainwashed their daughter.

I agree my parents don’t need to know every little thing about me, but they like to ask about my life here, and I don’t want to lie.

And anilorak, thanks for your suggestion to write a letter! I have actually found it a great way to at least tell my parents things without it turning into a fight. But when I actually see them, it’s like they forgot everything they read in the letters and I don’t know what to say.

Thanks for reading another rambly post I will take all your advice and let you all know how it goes. It’s almost Christmas and I’ll be going home again soon.

 

[LSK]

Yeah…Tell them you’ve decided to join a religious order and forgo marriage and a career.



Then they will be relieved when you just say, “I’m kidding, but I will be going to Mass every Sunday while I’m home.”



Just do what you need to do, and refuse to get into uncomfortable discussions with them. Tell them you love them very much, and you’d appreciate it very much if they would simply respect your decisions, and you will respect theirs. Then smile, and change the subject. Be the picture of a joyful Catholic. As tempting as it might be, don’t point out their sins to them.

When you tell them you have decided to join a religious order, be sure to tell them you are going to be a cloistured Carmelite or something…

My family is very uncomfortable with my being a real Catholic but that is just too bad. Whenever someone threw me a weird remark, like “Don’t you have work to do?” I would pretend not to understand what they meant and I would ask them to please explain it until they got all flustered and said, “Oh never mind”.

“Don’t you have something else to do?”

“I don’t understand the question. What do you mean?”

“You know…I mean, you spend so much time in Church…don’t you have something else to do?”.

“I’m sorry, I still don’t get your question. What exactly are you asking me?”

“Oh never mind”.

---

“Do you have to go EVERY week?”

“I don’t understand…what do you mean?”

“you know…to Mass…do they MAKE you go every week?”

“I’m sorry, I still don’t understand your question. What exactly are you asking?”.

“Oh just never mind”.

Eventually one or two of them started asking the REAL question, which is, “WHY” (as in why are you so drawn to this, why are you doing this…etc) and we could have a real conversation (I felt like I was lost and searching for something. I cannot quite articulate it. I found it in the Catholic Church and I am so grateful for all the people in my life like you who always taught me to follow my heart. Without you, I would never have thought to look in the first place and would have been miserable and unfullfilled without ever knowing why…hey how about those Giants?).

 

[hannajomar]

Dr. Ray Guarendi was talking to someone of faith who’s spouse was against it. I think his advice applies to many of us who’s family is against our faith. He basically said that we need to show our relatives that our faith is making us into a better person. They should have reason to blame our faith on making us a worse person. We need to show them that we have more joy, love, forgiveness, etc. We need to accomplish our family duties more fervently. They might have the concern that we think we are better than them. We might need to prove to them that we are not judging them, and aren’t secretly stewing about them burning in hell. We need to practice our faith with simple confidence in what we’re doing.

A lot of good advice so far, I hope we see even more. Many of us are in this similar situation.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

It almost makes me feel guilty that I’m making my parents worry. And I feel that my faith is creating, like I said before, an awkward feeling of tension in our relationship. I don’t know how to maintain a healthy relationship with my parents, without compromising my faith. I don’t impose my faith on my parents, I’m quiet about it unless they ask, but it still upsets them so much.

What do I do?

Everyone is continuing to give you good advice. One thing you have to keep in mind is that you might NOT be able to eliminate the tension. If your parents are this hostile to the Church, they’re simply not going to be ok with it right now. Maybe in time they will, but you can be doing everything right, and they can still not be happy about it. Ultimately how they feel and how they react is up to them. If they choose to over-react, you can’t stop it. It is an unfortunate fact that many of us who are serious about our faith experience tension with family members over that issue. Hopefully, things will soften, but for now, you may need to adjust your expectations. If you are expecting to have your times at home be really smooth and fun (maybe like family life always was before you went off to college), then you get disappointed when it doesn’t work out that way. If you go home knowing that your devotion to God is likely to be met with hostility, then not only can you brace yourself for it, but you also won’t be disappointed. Your focus can be on God and loving your family, instead of being unhappy with the situation.

FYI, this is my favorite Bible Verse. It means a lot to me, because it reminds me that even when there is tension in my family about faith, if I am being faithful to God and His laws, it is ok. : “Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s foes will be those of his own household.” - Mt 10:34-36

 

[snowflakeinlove]

Dr. Ray Guarendi was talking to someone of faith who’s spouse was against it. I think his advice applies to many of us who’s family is against our faith. He basically said that we need to show our relatives that our faith is making us into a better person. They should have reason to blame our faith on making us a worse person. We need to show them that we have more joy, love, forgiveness, etc. We need to accomplish our family duties more fervently. They might have the concern that we think we are better than them. We might need to prove to them that we are not judging them, and aren’t secretly stewing about them burning in hell. We need to practice our faith with simple confidence in what we’re doing.

I agree, this is something really important for me to remember! Thanks

Everyone is continuing to give you good advice. One thing you have to keep in mind is that you might NOT be able to eliminate the tension. If your parents are this hostile to the Church, they’re simply not going to be ok with it right now.

Thanks for sharing the bible verse and the reminder to focus on God and my family. I have an anxiety disorder so I do tend to worry too much about things. Your post reminded me of some important things.
And you are right, I don’t and I shouldn’t expect the tension to go away… I’m just trying to figure out how I myself should act and deal with certain situations. It’s not just practicing my faith that’s new to my relationship with my parents, but the fact that I’m now an adult… something both my parents and I are not used to. My question is more “how should I act” rather than “what do I do to stop the hostility”. I don’t know if that made any sense-- but my point is, I agree with you, and thank you

 

[Dorothy]

Dear “Snowflake”,

In reply to your question…“How should I act?”

I suggest that you look at the face of Jesus in your imagination, with His crown of thorns, and identify with Him and thank Him.

Peace in Jesus and Mary,

Dorothy

 

[anilorak13ska]

we need to show our relatives that our faith is making us into a better person.

When I visited my mom shortly after one of my silent retreats, she commented on seeing a transformation in me, that I was more peaceful, joyful, relaxed. Unfortunately, I know I haven’t been able to maintain that, and perhaps that’s why she’s also failed to see the connection between my faith and these positive qualities.

OP, is there something innocuous that your parents do that you could use to make your point? For instance, if they regularly go to the movies, watch a sports team play, go to the gym, w/e, next time they ask about your church time, you could make the comparison by asking if their involvement in X makes them any less intelligent, or if it doesn’t take away from more important things they should be doing. Presumably, they’d say something to the effect of this activity not being in any way harmless, or a good way to recharge, or just plain enjoyable for them… and you could then say “exactly! That’s what going to Mass does for me!”

 

[sj2]

Dr. Ray Guarendi . . . said that we need to show our relatives that our faith is making us into a better person.

This is important. I’m a grown woman with kids and my mom is still a bit weirded out by the Catholic thing. My parents are both Catholic, raised me Catholic, wanted all grandkids to be baptized, but to go to church every Sunday was, to my mother, going over the top. Truly believing: over the top. Reading anything religious at all: over the top. Owing a Bible: over the top. Recently she said I should start a Girls’ Book Club to make lady-friends. I told her I do that: I have a Ladies’ Bible Study every week. She scoffed and said, “You need real friends.” Blew my mind. She would really love me to be Catholic in Name Only.

In my case, I truly believe my beliefs make my mother feel inadequate and jealous. Like by my actions, I’m proving her to be a “bad” Catholic. (Which I would never, ever in a million years say or even imply). It’s not just about religion either; as soon as I had one more child than she had she felt worried I was having too many babies and was NOT happy when I announced I was pregnant with #3.

In short: if my life looks at all different than her life, she feels it is a condemnation of her choices.

I talked to a counselor and unfortunately, there was no “answer.” The thing I learned from counseling is that I CANNOT drive myself crazy trying to make her happy–she’s in charge of her emotions, not me. I also can’t live someone else’s life. I have to be me, even if that upsets her. But, man, I’d love for my mom to like me as she once did. She still loves me, loves me fiercely! , but I just wish she “liked” me.

So, when they question your actions, do as hannajomar suggested, smile, take a breathe and just say, “Phew, with my schedule, you have no idea how much I need Mass to reboot and calm my mind.” Or “I know we are called the Catholic Student Association, but we don’t just pray 24/7! Let me tell you about this really fun service project we did. Won’t that look great on a resume?” Don’t change who you are, but talk to them in their language. If they care about careers, then talk about the great networking opportunities the C.S.A. is giving you.

I am at a point where communication has just turned very shallow with my parents. And I listen to the digs directed at the church quietly. But it feels bad. I feel like a doormat, but I don’t want to lose my mom, so I don’t say anything. I don’t usually share any of my thoughts or feelings with my parents.

 

[snowflakeinlove]

I suggest that you look at the face of Jesus in your imagination, with His crown of thorns, and identify with Him and thank Him.

OP, is there something innocuous that your parents do that you could use to make your point? For instance, if they regularly go to the movies, watch a sports team play, go to the gym, w/e, next time they ask about your church time, you could make the comparison by asking if their involvement in X makes them any less intelligent, or if it doesn’t take away from more important things they should be doing. Presumably, they’d say something to the effect of this activity not being in any way harmless, or a good way to recharge, or just plain enjoyable for them… and you could then say “exactly! That’s what going to Mass does for me!”

Thanks again for your (name removed by moderator)ut. No, they actually don’t do any of that kind of thing, but now that you bring it up, I think that might be another reason why they don’t understand my faith. Committing to any activity like that is not something either of my parents do. Although my dad has expressed that he wanted to get more “involved in the community and find some way to relax”… so maybe that will help me make my point. Thanks!

So, when they question your actions, do as hannajomar suggested, smile, take a breathe and just say, “Phew, with my schedule, you have no idea how much I need Mass to reboot and calm my mind.” Or “I know we are called the Catholic Student Association, but we don’t just pray 24/7! Let me tell you about this really fun service project we did. Won’t that look great on a resume?” Don’t change who you are, but talk to them in their language. If they care about careers, then talk about the great networking opportunities the C.S.A. is giving you.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice. I think talking to them in their language will work- or at least it makes it easier for me to talk to them without starting a fight. I actually told my parents awhile ago my involvement would look good on my resume, and my mom changed the subject, but she didn’t have any objections either. My dad said something like “what you want to be a missionary?” but I don’t think he was trying to be sarcastic. This was before I went back home- so they still are against me being involved, but I think if I keep doing this, it may work. It’s good advice