Not attracted to my wife

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psalm23now

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I am 26 years old and have been married for just over 3 years. I would appreciate some advice or wisdom on what to do in this situation. Anything is helpful.

Let me start by this… I was never physically attracted to my wife. I was never “in love” with my wife. She has never really appreciated me and there has never been a lot of passion in our relationship.

She came from a horrible family life and was often abused by her parents. I know I should have broke up with her years before we were married… but I was always optimistic that things would get better. And I truly felt sorry for her.

I would say that 90% of the time, the marriage just leaves me wanting more… I feel like I could wake up in 30 years after just going through the motions, and suddenly wonder why I didn’t pursue a woman who I would wake up next to every morning and be amazed by. (I would give anything to find that woman)

Because of my upbringing and my own sense or morality, I feel like “the right thing to do” is to grin and bear it. Our priest says that God wouldn’t have let us get married, if we weren’t meant to be together. Truthfully, that doesn’t help much.

Here’s my real problem… I have lost ALL sexual desire for my wife and I am constantly looking towards other women in hopes of finding my “soul-mate.” It has come to the point where I can no longer even have sex with my wife. I can’t even fake it anymore.

Has anyone been in this position before?

Thoughts and prayers appreciated.
 
It’s time for you to man up.

Love is an act of the will. So, exercise your will in the direction of your wife.

Catholic marriage counseling could help you-- and also look into the Retrouvaille program.
 
“woman who I would wake up next to every morning and be amazed by.”

This statement is way out of line of reality. I don’t know of anyone that has been married feels that way every morning of thier marriage. Yes I know many people that feel they married the right person and would never would want it any other way.

Pray that God help you fall in love with your wife and it will happen if it is His Holy Will. I think that God truely wants you to love your wife. Ask and you shall recieve. Love is an act of the will and when you decide to love her, God will help you.

Praying for you and your wife.
 
Probably you could use Catholic therapy or Retrovaille as stated already, but i think …

If you want to be able to appreciate your wife sexually you need to stop looking and fantasizing about other women.

Your wife will never compare well with these fantasies. But if you clear your head of those fantasies (this might take months IF you stick with the mental discipline), the only real woman you’ve got will start looking better and better.

Also, try just treating her like a queen and building a good friendship with her. Tenderness can grow out of that. Sometimes when you stop thinking about sex, sex finds you.

There are some books that might help - i think one is called “Every Man’s Battle”.

Just my 2 cents! Hope this helps.

I just prayed an Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be for your intentions.
 
I will keep you and your wife in my prayers, psalm.

May I ask…why did you marry your wife? Was there love on her part…is there love on her part for you? Being ‘in love’ is a strange thing. It’s a secular phrase…it’s not really a phrase you’ll find in the Bible. That being said, if one can ‘fall into something’ then one can ‘fall out of it,’ too. My point being that if you want to love the way Christ loved His Church, you’ll find that attraction is a fleeting thing. I was in love with my husband, and he in love with me…but, sadly, I thought that there should be a constant passion-fest going on day in and day out, because I never really ‘learned’ how to love, the way Christ did. The way Christ loves you and me and all of His children.

So, while I know your ‘feelings’ are very real…and no one here is trying to dismiss them…just know, that you can choose to love your wife…and perhaps you both should seek some type of counseling. Please be careful with trusting your feelings. They can often lead a person to sin…even a married one.

I am not sure if you and your wife married for the right reasons…but, possibly go back to why you married one another to begin with…and begin anew.

I hope things work out for you both.
 
For what it is worth from the New-Guy, my wife and I were friends before we were married, we are like all couples, we have tense moments, our little secret, sometimes in the morning, when we are getting our coffee, if we have been stressed with each other one of us will say: “Let’s just be friends again for the day.” I KNOW it sounds stupid, but it works for us somehow! Its like we go into a mode where we give each other just enough space. By evening, we are married again!:twocents: Like I say, I know it sounds crazy, but it works for us, I don’t know, I think all married couples have to find some “trick” to get over the bumps.
 
psalm23now said:
I am 26 years old and have been married for just over 3 years. I would appreciate some advice or wisdom on what to do in this situation. Anything is helpful.

Let me start by this… I was never physically attracted to my wife. I was never “in love” with my wife. She has never really appreciated me and there has never been a lot of passion in our relationship.

She came from a horrible family life and was often abused by her parents. I know I should have broke up with her years before we were married… but I was always optimistic that things would get better. And I truly felt sorry for her.
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Thank you for your sincerity.

I don’t know enough to help you, but could you post your question maybe to Father Serpa?

I will pray for you.

And love is a choice, not a feeling…maybe that thought can help you until you get your difficulty properly addressed…

This is a great opportunity for you to grow spiritually.

Please get some help.

Many blessings and prayers, for both you and your wife.
 
blossom02 said:
This statement is way out of line of reality. I don’t know of anyone that has been married feels that way every morning of thier marriage.
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I didn’t mean literally EVERY morning… I am not the best as expressing my thoughts. Thank you for your prayers.
urban-hermit said:
There are some books that might help - i think one is called “Every Man’s Battle”.
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Yep… I have completed that book and I am also enrolled in a 60-day sexual purity course online. Thank you for your prayers.
whatevergirl said:
May I ask… why did you marry your wife?
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It’s a decision I regret everyday of my life, but I just felt sorry for her. She is 5 years older than me and she was convinced that no one would ever love her. I should also mention that she is Bipolar. Every person she dated before me realized this, and promptly broke up with her. I guess I wanted to be her “knight in shining armor.” My mistake.

I am all for trying to help people, but not at the expense of my own misery and depression.
 
This is the kind of thing that sexual sins/addictions DO. They make us lose contact with reality, and never be satisfied.
One more thing: I understand that you didn’t get married for the best of reasons, but a man’s job is to help his wife get to heaven, and vice versa. We will never be completely satisfied here on earth, because we were made for Heaven and God.
 
dakotagirl said:
This is the kind of thing that sexual sins/addictions DO. They make us lose contact with reality, and never be satisfied.
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My problems with lust and women stem from complete frustration with MY mistake to get married. I never had a problem with it when I was single.

Nevertheless, I am currently trying to overcome it. 🙂
 
Is your wife diagnosed with Bipolar? Is she seeking treatment?

It is very difficult being the spouse of someone with this affliction. My prayers to you and your wife.
 
May the Lord be with you Brother! The fact you were bold enough to bring the problem before your brothers and sisters in the good Lord, tells me deep down you know what’s right. You need the Church to help find the path. Listen to good Godly counsel. Pray. May your feet be lead on the proper path my friend! Pax.
 
Shiann said:
Is your wife diagnosed with Bipolar? Is she seeking treatment?

It is very difficult being the spouse of someone with this affliction. My prayers to you and your wife.
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Yes, but she refuses to take her medication.

Thank you for your prayers.
 
Glorfindel said:
May the Lord be with you Brother! The fact you were bold enough to bring the problem before your brothers and sisters in the good Lord, tells me deep down you know what’s right. You need the Church to help find the path. Listen to good Godly counsel. Pray. May your feet be lead on the proper path my friend! Pax.
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Well said.
 
psalm23now said:
It’s a decision I regret everyday of my life, but I just felt sorry for her. She is 5 years older than me and she was convinced that no one would ever love her. I should also mention that she is Bipolar. Every person she dated before me realized this, and promptly broke up with her. I guess I wanted to be her “knight in shining armor.” My mistake.

I am all for trying to help people, but not at the expense of my own misery and depression.
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Have you told this directly to your Priest? Bipolar is a significant affliction, but all things are possible with God. Praying for you and your spouse.
 
psalm,
while i agree that trying to repair an always-broken marriage is honorable and may even be holy…

and while i absolutely support your decision to pursue recovery from lustful obsessions…

and while i am a tremendously happily married woman, married to a tremendously happily married man, you need to know happy people are not always sexually charged, not always amazed. (sometimes we’re moderately non-plussed. but i’ll tell you what we almost ALWAYS are: generous and kind. long as we BOTH are BOTH those things, the door is always open for the passionate stuff- the amazement stuff. and we’re not disappointed)…

and while i agree intense prayer-- union with God who loves you-- will help guide you a LOT, i also believe that having an ‘ear’ will help. someone who is available to listen. this cannot be a woman. toooo much vulnerability, tooo much thin ice…

and while i think your wife’s possible misery may actually be a good thing because if your wife complains of unhappiness, too, make her meds-taking a condition of your argument to move forward with retrovaille and other counseling…

BUT if your wife doesn’t care that you’re miserable and doesn’t want to change anything about her participation in the marriage, consider these questions:

*was your wife on her medications when she married you? if not, her ability to consent may have been diminished. it may be grounds for annulment.
*when you married, were you and your wife open to children and marrying according to the mind of the church? again, there may be invalidation here.
*there may be other invalidaties too.

NUTSHELL: if your wife wants to be happy with you, you have options AND levers. if your wife isn’t interested in having a happy marriage, then talk to a priest about the validity of your marriage.
 
psalm23now said:
Our priest says that God wouldn’t have let us get married, if we weren’t meant to be together. Truthfully, that doesn’t help much.
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No kidding, it doesn’t help much. Sorry you got such a namby- pamby comment.
 
WOW! I wonder if maybe you married too young, without “knowing” enough about each other. Since you did CHOOSE to marry her, I think you’ll have to ask the Holy Spirit for some real guidance in bringing love into your relationship. How does your wife respond to you? I think talking to a spiritual director about this would be very beneficial. I think most married couples lose some of the passion after being married for some time. Sometimes, we just don’t “feel” it for various reasons. I don’t think that that’s too unusual. However, since you ARE married to this woman - I would do everything in my power to make the marriage work. Stop looking for you “soul mate”. It’s a bit late to do that now, don’t you think? This may be your cross for awhile. Carry it. Don’t think about the what if’s. Look to the future. Ask the Lord to really help you sort this out. Look for the good in your wife. There must have been SOMETHING there if you married her in the first place. It couldn’t have been just pity. Actually, I feel more sorry for her since your married her out of pity. I wonder how that would make her feel if she knew this? Stop thinking about your feelings, and think about how God would feel about this whole thing. Talk to a priest - one who can really take some time with you to sort this out. JMHO. 😃
 
Can you try being honest with your wife? Tell her to take her meds and express to her what you want in a wife. I know that if I was not being who my man wanted, I would definitely change into what he did want. Maybe it is your wife who needs a bit of a change.🤷
 
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