Not attracted to my wife

[Melissa2007]

I just want to comment on how wrong it is to refer to people as bipolar. They are people suffering from bipolar disorder. If somone has cancer you don’t say they are cancer. If someone has diabetes you don’t say they are diabetes. People are more than the disorder. Just some food for thought. I used to work in the mental health field and it’s just a peeve of mine.

 

[Sierrah]

I didn’t read through all the posts when I commented earlier. I don’t know weather your marriage would be considered valid or not but you might start by talking to a priest. Maybe God steered you toward this marriage for a reason. I would seek professional help for you and your wife or at least advice on how to deal with her. There may be other ways to deal with the disorder other then medications or even theropy. I have ADHD myself which sometime involves mood swings I can only imagine what someone who is bipolar goes through. I’ll keep the both of you on my prayer list. Don’t give up. Trust in GOD to show you a way through all this .

 

[Jacafamala]

I just want to comment on how wrong it is to refer to people as bipolar. They are people suffering from bipolar disorder. If somone has cancer you don’t say they are cancer. If someone has diabetes you don’t say they are diabetes. People are more than the disorder. Just some food for thought. I used to work in the mental health field and it’s just a peeve of mine.

Bp isn’t a disease that you can cure, like cancer; it’s really part of who one is. Like saying, “I’m Irish American” or “I’m diabetic”. Yet to say “I am” doesn’t necessarily define everything about the individual, there are many other variables that come into play when defining any one person, but I digress.

 

[VivienneJ]

There are strong voices advocating that the OP gives up on his marriage or works at it. I would agree that giving up should be the very last resort and that marriage (even when both partners were madly in love at the start) requires a lot of work.

The fact that the wife suffers from bipolar disorder is a heavy cross to bear. Many are expressing great sympathy for this lady, as is seen here:

Is nobody thinking about this poor woman? It is not her fault that she has a mental illness.

Agreed. BUT, it is her fault that she is not taking her medication. I think while the OP needs to make a committment to his marriage, so does his wife and hers should include taking her medication regularly and if what she currently has prescribed doesn’t contol her disorder to get professional help to find the right medication.

 

[Altesse]

You wanted to be a knight in shining armor? You’ve got your chance now.

You want to wake up amazed at the woman sleeping next to you? Be amazed at a woman who struggles daily with mental illness and whose husband only married her because he felt sorry for her and who stays with man who looks at other women lustfully while not wanting to look at her.

The boyfriends that previously dumped her will feel like nothing compared to the pain you will cause if you dump her.

If you don’t have any interest in having sex with your wife it might not be a bad thing. She’s has a mental illness and refuses proper treatment. Surely you realize that sex can result in babies.

Do you have a child or children? If so, do whatever is in their best interest. I am very sorry for both you and your wife. I will pray for both of you.

Well said.

Women pick up on emotional currents pretty well. I am sure the OP’s wife can sense his “pity” and distance. How hurtful that must be!

OP - listen to garden and others. You made your choice.
Get help. Treat your wife with the love and respect she deserves.

 

[udoc89]

You did her no kindness by reluctantly marrying her–especially if you have now decided you want out. How much worse will it be for her if a tribunal decides no marriage existed to begin with-- especially if she has mental issues. Maybe you were trying to do something noble in the beginning, but it seems to have backfired. I will pray for you–and your wife.

 

[mrsfrazier]

My MIL is bipolar and refuses her medication. I do not know how you can handle being married to someone in this situation! I second whoever recommended regular counseling, a counselor will help her understand why she needs to take her medication. You may have to become her advocate, get her to regular doctor appointments with a PCP, a counselor, etc until she gets the bipolar stuff more under control.

I don’t think you need to answer this question publicly, OP, but I will ask it: Is your wife using hormonal birth control? Hormonal birth control chemically alters women’s hormones and pheromones to the point where they actually can become unattractive to men. So, your lack of attraction could actually be very real–based on how attraction works chemically and hormonally in the body.

 

[Naomi]

The best marriage advice I ever got - Marriage isn’t 50/50/ . It’s more like 90/10 and it usually feels like you’re the one giving 90. I think marriage is a lot like the ballet .Like the great ballarinas, some couples make it look effortless . They radiate grace and beauty . But if you go back stage it’s all sweat , B.O. and really ugly feet. Re-read 1ke , gardenswithkids and GhostMan . There is a lot of wisdom and grace in these posts. God Bless You an Your Wife .

 

[KingAlfred]

I am 26 years old and have been married for just over 3 years. I would appreciate some advice or wisdom on what to do in this situation. Anything is helpful.

Let me start by this… I was never physically attracted to my wife. I was never “in love” with my wife. She has never really appreciated me and there has never been a lot of passion in our relationship.

She came from a horrible family life and was often abused by her parents. I know I should have broke up with her years before we were married… but I was always optimistic that things would get better. And I truly felt sorry for her.

I would say that 90% of the time, the marriage just leaves me wanting more… I feel like I could wake up in 30 years after just going through the motions, and suddenly wonder why I didn’t pursue a woman who I would wake up next to every morning and be amazed by. (I would give anything to find that woman)

Because of my upbringing and my own sense or morality, I feel like “the right thing to do” is to grin and bear it. Our priest says that God wouldn’t have let us get married, if we weren’t meant to be together. Truthfully, that doesn’t help much.

Here’s my real problem… I have lost ALL sexual desire for my wife and I am constantly looking towards other women in hopes of finding my “soul-mate.” It has come to the point where I can no longer even have sex with my wife. I can’t even fake it anymore.

Has anyone been in this position before?

Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

I’ve been there, done that. Didn’t get a t-shirt, but a massive nightmare, instead. After eleven years of torture, I divorced her. I sought and was given an annulment. Not trying to advance an non-Catholic solution; just telling my story. Good luck.

P.S. Don’t ever marry out of sympathy.

 

[thomfra]

The best marriage advice I ever got - Marriage isn’t 50/50/ . It’s more like 90/10 and it usually feels like you’re the one giving 90. I think marriage is a lot like the ballet .Like the great ballarinas, some couples make it look effortless . They radiate grace and beauty . But if you go back stage it’s all sweat , B.O. and really ugly feet. Re-read 1ke , gardenswithkids and GhostMan . There is a lot of wisdom and grace in these posts. God Bless You an Your Wife .

Dunno. Should a marriage really feel like “work”!?!??!?!

I hear that said all the time (usually on TV), but I have never met anybody in real life who thinks that this is the case.

I have never felt that I have needed to “work” at my marriage either. Sure we have had our disagreements etc, and I don’t think we are much different to any other couple in that way…but how exactly does one actually go about “working at a marriage”. Unless one defines this “date night” which seems to be all the rage as “work”…

Can somebody explain…with a practical examples???

 

[Eliza10]

Dunno. Should a marriage really feel like “work”!?!??!?!

I hear that said all the time (usually on TV), but I have never met anybody in real life who thinks that this is the case.

Really? You never met anyone thus? You probably don’t know anyone in a really bad marraige then.

Well, you can “meet” me now. Because I viewed marriage as sacred “work” for 17 years. I “worked” at it; my husband didn’t - why whoudl he when he felt perfectly fine? I learned that insisting on talking about it made him very, very angry.

So, to have peace, I had to leave him alone about it. My pastor’s wife advised me to work on it by myself, trusting God to work on him. And working on it was my constant aim.

I worked at pleasing my husband, I worked at taking my hurts to God since my husband didn’t want to hear about them, and I constantly worked on not making him angry - which was a mystery I could never grasp, but kept working on.

A couple of years before my divorce I became Catholic. There were many graces with that journey. In the first part of my first meeting with my first priest, he wanted to know if I had discussed my conversion with my husband.

“Oh, no,” I quickly explained, hoping to move onto the *real *topic at hand, “My husband doesn’t like to talk about anything that matters to me. It makes him angry.”

“Thats not a marraige,” the Priest interruped, “You can have it annulled.”

I was completely shocked and scandalized. I explained I married before God and had made a promise and I intended to keep it. I quickly got the subject steered back to my being Catholic.

[Gee! I believed this Priest was right about everything else, but certainly not marraige! Certainly this annullment business was one of those things the Church had all messed up. I would just ignore the whole topic, as it had nothing to do with me.]

So with many special graces and favors I became Catholic, and two years later my husband did what was perfectly natural after being on the receiving end of being served and catered to no matter how he acted - he secretly had an affair and planned a new life, including plans to surprise me with divorce papers (it was supposed to have been the first time I learned of it). I was advised by the best of lawyers that if I did not divorce him back I could lose custody of my child.

A very holy priest who does not mince words agreed I was likely getting wise legal counsel, and agreed that this had not been marriage as God intended. And as for my “work”, he told me: “You cannot make a silk purse out of a sows ear.”

Nope. I can tell you, you cannot, no matter how hard you “work” at it.

Believe me, I was not at all ready for this, especially having immersed my life and being for so many years in this “work” that bore no fruit. I had no alternative “work” plans. God really had to carry me. I believe He saw this coming and knew I would need all the ordinary extrodinary Graces available in the Cahtolic Chruch in order to make it through this, and thats why He gave me the grace to convert.

And of course, I learned the wise priest I had counseled at my conversion *did *know a thing or two about marraige.

I have never felt that I have needed to “work” at my marriage either. Sure we have had our disagreements etc, and I don’t think we are much different to any other couple in that way…but how exactly does one actually go about “working at a marriage”. Unless one defines this “date night” which seems to be all the rage as “work”…

LOL, after my marriage ended, more than one person in a real, normal marriage expressed that they also had been puzzled why I had always been “working” on my marraige. It had always sounded strange to them, though they never said so to me. It was just who Eliza was, the one “working” on her marriage all the time.

So I deduce you must have a good marraige, Thomfra, if you don’t have to “work” on it all the time.

Can somebody explain…with a practical examples???

Well, there you go - I gave you examples of a person who “worked” on her marriage.

…http://www.menofstjoseph.us/images/l2.jpg

 

[ElisabethM]

"Dunno. Should a marriage really feel like “work”!?!??!?!

I hear that said all the time (usually on TV), but I have never met anybody in real life who thinks that this is the case.

I have never felt that I have needed to “work” at my marriage either."

(Sorry, I’m brand-new here and haven’t figured out how to do quotes.)

I have not met anyone in a real marriage who didn’t think marriage was hard work (and I am impressed that you heard something so profound on TV!). This isn’t just bad marriages, it’s all marriages (that I’ve encountered) because we have two human beings forged into “one flesh”. Maybe you are a lot holier than I am or you are married to a saint (neither myself nor my dh fall into those categories), but, for me, our 13-year marriage has been the hardest work I have had to do. By this I don’t mean it’s been drudgery or misery, but just very hard work to learn to be the wife God wants me to be for my husband. It’s hard work to follow the prayer attributed to St. Francis (“Lord, make me an instrument . . . to strive to understand, rather than being understood; to love, rather than to be loved . . .”)

I believe marriage is hard work because we all have to fight selfishness–and that is, in the end, the only marriage obstacle and marriage-killer. Maybe I run with the wrong crowd, but I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t had to struggle to be holy.

EM

 

[thomfra]

"Dunno. Should a marriage really feel like “work”!?!??!?!

I hear that said all the time (usually on TV), but I have never met anybody in real life who thinks that this is the case.

I have never felt that I have needed to “work” at my marriage either."

(Sorry, I’m brand-new here and haven’t figured out how to do quotes.)

I have not met anyone in a real marriage who didn’t think marriage was hard work (and I am impressed that you heard something so profound on TV!). This isn’t just bad marriages, it’s all marriages (that I’ve encountered) because we have two human beings forged into “one flesh”. Maybe you are a lot holier than I am or you are married to a saint (neither myself nor my dh fall into those categories), but, for me, our 13-year marriage has been the hardest work I have had to do. By this I don’t mean it’s been drudgery or misery, but just very hard work to learn to be the wife God wants me to be for my husband. It’s hard work to follow the prayer attributed to St. Francis (“Lord, make me an instrument . . . to strive to understand, rather than being understood; to love, rather than to be loved . . .”)

I believe marriage is hard work because we all have to fight selfishness–and that is, in the end, the only marriage obstacle and marriage-killer. Maybe I run with the wrong crowd, but I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t had to struggle to be holy.

EM

Eliza10 wrote a fantastic post, with some great examples. But at the end of the day she was in a bit of a special situation given her husbands problems/behavior etc.

So I still don’t quite get where this “marriage is hard work” comes from.

Believe me when I tell you, we are not very holy, and have a normal marriage, (as far as I can tell). Yes, we all strive (hopefully) to be better people.

Does this make a marriage “work”. I am really not sure what you mean by a “real marriage” either??

Most people I know (who are not divorced) got married with somebody they love, then just sort of got on with life. I would propose that there is something fundamentally wrong with defining marriage as “work” in the first place. It just seems to be focussing on the negatives.

Maybe it’s an American thing. i.e. you guys get less holidays, work longer hours etc. Maybe that leaves less time for enjoying “life” together. I don’t know…just guessing…

 

[KingAlfred]

Dunno. Should a marriage really feel like “work”!?!??!?!

I hear that said all the time (usually on TV), but I have never met anybody in real life who thinks that this is the case.

I have never felt that I have needed to “work” at my marriage either. Sure we have had our disagreements etc, and I don’t think we are much different to any other couple in that way…but how exactly does one actually go about “working at a marriage”. Unless one defines this “date night” which seems to be all the rage as “work”…

Can somebody explain…with a practical examples???

Marriage shouldn’t be ‘work’. It must be a natural bond based on love and compatibility. My second marriage is 16 years old now, and heavenly. My first was Hell on Planet Earth, The Sequel.

 

[ElisabethM]

So I still don’t quite get where this “marriage is hard work” comes from.

Believe me when I tell you, we are not very holy, and have a normal marriage, (as far as I can tell). Yes, we all strive (hopefully) to be better people.

Does this make a marriage “work”. I am really not sure what you mean by a “real marriage” either??

By “real marriage” I’m contrasting one like my first with an alcoholic/abusive man which was later annulled with my present marriage that was freely entered, is fruitful, and where both are living for the good of the other.

Yes, I think the problem here is how one defines “work”. I see work as a positive–it’s a large part of what makes us human. Good hard work results in growth, happiness and . It is not drudgery and not unhappy. The best things in life are hard won. The rewards of hard work are a blessing.

Marriage is work because I have to put in effort, a lot of effort. That’s all I meant. EM

EM

 

[whatevergirl]

Dunno. Should a marriage really feel like “work”!?!??!?!

I hear that said all the time (usually on TV), but I have never met anybody in real life who thinks that this is the case.

I have never felt that I have needed to “work” at my marriage either. Sure we have had our disagreements etc, and I don’t think we are much different to any other couple in that way…but how exactly does one actually go about “working at a marriage”. Unless one defines this “date night” which seems to be all the rage as “work”…

Can somebody explain…with a practical examples???

**
Working at a marriage, doesn’t mean that the two who are in question, don’t love one another or aren’t attracted to one another…etc. It could be as mundane as compromising over the tv remote right up to one partner being patient while the other spouse thinks if she wants to remain in the marriage. (the latter was my personal case) It can be as mundane as letting little things go, right up to finding quiet time to be romantic together.

Working on a marriage means various things. Like you go to work…you put the effort in there, otherwise you wouldn’t have a job long. lol You work on your car…it doesn’t just drive without an occasional tire rotation, and oil change, right? Same with marriages. It requires prayer, love, attention, and nurturing to be at its best. If we don’t ‘take care of our marriages,’ they simply won’t run right. That is my idea of working on a marriage, but maybe others’ ideas vary. **

 

[kage_ar]

Marriage is meant to be a sacrament. Sacramental graces do so much for marriage, I cannot imagine how a marriage could last a lifetime without those graces.

Marriage TAKES work.

Some folks think that romantic love is all you need to live happily ever after. They then wake up one morning and realize that the pink bunny of romance was run over by a garbage truck (the same truck that did not pick up your garbage because both of you feel that “taking out the trash is not my job”.)

When the hard times come, it takes a choice to stay married, and work to get back on track.

 

[mitziemia]

Again, Whatevergirl - I completely agree…

Marriage is work, but not the kind of work wherein you feel like you’re shackled and being whipped…the work I put into my marriage is a loving WANT to draw us closer to each other and to God…it’s like God is at the top of the triangle, my dh and I are the sides - it’s work to get to the top…but not unloving work.

I work at my marriage because I WANT a stronger, more loving, closer relationship with God and my DH. I WANT to be a Proverbs31 wife. I WANT to know what his needs are and (sometimes I bite my stinking tongue so hard with frustration I swear I could bite it off…lol) but I need to know when to be quiet as much as when to talk…

It’s like running a marathon - boatloads of training, of working out, of diet…but worth the ultimate goal and you do it because you really want to better yourself…and the experience as a whole…

That’s the kind of work I"m talking about…

But in your case…I posted earlier…my husband did the same “rescue marriage” the first time round…I’ll pray for you, but my dear sir…it’s a hard cross, but it IS the cross YOU picked up when you married her…mental illness is as difficult as an addiction or any other disease…addictions and mental illness are a little harder (in my opinion only) because they are not as obvious and very stigmatized…I’m sorry she won’t get help…I’m sorry you feel desperate…I’m glad you’re getting help…but YOU need to press on, draw closer and closer to the cross you carry - makes it easier to bear…

Blessings and prayers,
Holly

 

[gardenswithkids]

…So I still don’t quite get where this “marriage is hard work” comes from.

Believe me when I tell you, we are not very holy, and have a normal marriage, (as far as I can tell). Yes, we all strive (hopefully) to be better people.

Does this make a marriage “work”. I am really not sure what you mean by a “real marriage” either??

Most people I know (who are not divorced) got married with somebody they love, then just sort of got on with life. I would propose that there is something fundamentally wrong with defining marriage as “work” in the first place. It just seems to be focussing on the negatives.

Maybe it’s an American thing. i.e. you guys get less holidays, work longer hours etc. Maybe that leaves less time for enjoying “life” together. I don’t know…just guessing…

If you think this is an American thing, maybe we have different understandings of the word “work”.

Work isn’t a bad thing. Hard work can be enjoyable and is rewarding. The rewards don’t usually arrive immediately.

Marriage takes effort. “Getting on with life” (as you put it), takes effort. Life can be difficult at times. Events that we can’t control sometimes strike. People get sick. People sin. We strive to sin less, and we grow in holiness through the ups and downs of life.

 

[GhostMan]

Marriage is a roller coaster; there are climbs where the words that you speak to each other are like metal clanging tracks. There are breathtaking moments of joy. Sometimes the forces around you push you together, sometimes they push you apart.

I’ve been married for over twenty-five years. More than twenty of those were in as close to marital perfection as can be imagined. We were together in mind, heart, soul and spirit. I could not have imagined it being called work under any circumstances.

The last few years have shown me that my arrogance in believing it was somehow due to our “goodness” left me unable to see that I had been blessed by God. Now, in the times of trial and in the heat of the desert, I long for the joy and closeness of those good times. They both mock me and inspire me to hope that somehow - in God’s miraculous works - it could happen again.

Frankly, for me it would be emotionally easier to leave right now than to stay and be ignored, unwanted and uncared for. I have - at times - had to physically hold onto something to keep from walking out. This is work: mental anguish, emotional torture and spiritual barrenness. Not because my wife is absent in heart, mind and soul, but because I have ceased to try and change things. Now, we just work to be civil to each other and hold a good home for the children.

Marriage is work in some cases. Yes, even shackles. We are not called to easily depart from our spouses; we are not called to invent reasons why the marriage may be invalid; we are not called to look for escape hatches or loop-holes. We are called to be accountable to God for our behavior in our marriage. We are called to help our spouse grow in holiness. We are called to stay together even in the hard times, even when we think there has to be a better way.

We are emotional creatures; when things are good, we believe they must always be good. When times are bad, we cannot see the sun rising ever again. I have to believe it can rise, or I would lose any hope I have left. This takes work.

Neither my wife nor I are bad people. No one cheated, no one broke vows. We love each other in the sense that we choose to stay together and work for the common good; we do not fight, we do not display inappropriate attitudes toward the other. We have lost emotional attachments - perhaps forever, perhaps not. If we were secular, we would be divorced. We are not, however, and I believe we both want things to go back to the way they were. It takes work just to show up everyday and hope that is the day things turn around.