"Not In Love Anymore" - another update

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God bless you. You’ve shown the patience of Job in all of this. At some point, though, it’s time to man the lifeboats and abandon ship. You have a child to think about. And your own health and sanity. I would really examine this attempt at marriage and view him as suffering from “psychological incapacity.” No matter how much he wanted to do it, he couldn’t. Just didn’t have what it took. Too much from his childhood. I’m surprised, though, the cross-dressing stuff hasn’t hurt his military career.

Good luck to you. May you find peace in your decision to make a stable home for yourself and your child.

I have been there/done that with giving up the dream of helping someone save his soul when he didn’t want to save it himself.

All you can do is pray at a distance sometimes and leave them to God’s justice and mercy.
 
Lerin said:
What a devastating situation to be in, especially with a child. Trust in God and lean on Him through this difficult time. You’ve made some heart-wrenching decisions, but have peace knowing there was nothing else YOU could have done.

You have my prayers!
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Thank you so much! It feels so nice to have so much support!!!
 
apromisemade said:
I’m so sorry hun :console:

It sounds like you did your absolute best to stick it out and try to make it work. Offering the compromise you did on the crossdressing was more than fair.

Even disregarding that, it sounds like there were enough other issues going on with him personally that (and I don’t mean to be condescending when I say this) you were really in over your head as far as what you could do to help him.

In the end, perhaps seperating and taking the kids is the kindest thing you could do not only for yourself and your children but for him as well.

God willing, through your actions he will begin to recognize his self destructive behaviors have very real and negative consequences, and maybe begin to try to turn them around.

You did everything you could to make it work, now you have to let him try to work things out for himself and focus on your children, who can’t help themselves or do anything to alter the behavior of adults.
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Thank you, Promise. Very well put, and I completely agree. It’s just time to lovingly (keep repeating lovingly, lovingly LOL) let him go. I am really excited about continuing my schooling, and my babies just make every second of every day completely worth it. Hey, did I mention I made the Dean’s list last quarter? Woo-hoo!! 😃
 
whatevergirl said:
*I am sorry, I also think you’re doing the right thing. You have exhausted your options. Marriage takes two to keep it together, and one to dismantle it…

Your husband does have a responsibilty to helping to support your children, financially though…I would not struggle in that way, while he blows his money on fun and parties. No, if he wants to live like that, it’s his choice, and while I feel sorry for him to a degree, as his childhood sounds like it’s really affected his adultlife, he needs to be responsibile for his children, at least financially. I pray that you find peace. *
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Yes, I agree. We have yet to work out the financial arrangements, and I’m not going to try to take him for all he’s worth or anything, but the kids’ well-being is certainly the most important thing. I also feel sorry for him - actually, I’m trying to sort out my feelings for him. I have a deep sense of compassion for him, as well as love. Not as much a spousal love, but more like a special place in my heart, and a true desire for his Christian happiness and peace. I also have a deep worry for his soul. 😦
 
jerrytuxedo said:
TO: IRISH BECCA
Your fortitude is to be admired. You have been tested time and time again. You have tried and apparently kept trying. My reading is that you put your children first which is also admirable. These situations have to be more than most of us could tolerate. When I look at my relationship problems, they pale in comparison. Mine is of a loved one letting friends come between our relationship and giving me a lower priority in their life. I’ll certainly pray for you. Here’s hoping somehow and someway you make it through this crisis spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially.
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Thank you for your kind words! I have just always tried to do what the Holy Spirit calls me to do. With this decision, I believe I still am. I will pray for your relationship, too. I also dealt with that issue in my marriage - especially while he was drinking. I know that can be really, really hard.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
God bless you. You’ve shown the patience of Job in all of this. At some point, though, it’s time to man the lifeboats and abandon ship. You have a child to think about. And your own health and sanity. I would really examine this attempt at marriage and view him as suffering from “psychological incapacity.” No matter how much he wanted to do it, he couldn’t. Just didn’t have what it took. Too much from his childhood. I’m surprised, though, the cross-dressing stuff hasn’t hurt his military career.

Good luck to you. May you find peace in your decision to make a stable home for yourself and your child.

I have been there/done that with giving up the dream of helping someone save his soul when he didn’t want to save it himself.

All you can do is pray at a distance sometimes and leave them to God’s justice and mercy.
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It’s so funny you bring up the psychological incapacity. The more I think about it, the more I agree with this. It makes a lot of sense - he always seemed so sincere when he told me he loved me, or would apologize and promise it (insert whatever “it” was at the time) wouldn’t happen again. But in the end, he just couldn’t. I’m not even sure he has what it takes, or even the desire, really, to work through these problems with his childhood. I’m afraid it’s become his identity.

As far as crossdressing and the military, crossdressing in private is not against the UCMJ, but homosexual acts are. I’m pretty sure he’s not been involved in homosexual acts.

Thank you for your prayers.
 
I am very sorry for your pain and the difficult situation you are in! You are in my prayers! I believe you have done everything you can…I was wondering not to make things harder or more painful for you if I do please forgive me, but have you thought about speaking with your priest about an annulment for your marriage?

Again I do not mean to offend you! God bless and hope you have a good day!
 
iluvmybabies said:
I am very sorry for your pain and the difficult situation you are in! You are in my prayers! I believe you have done everything you can…I was wondering not to make things harder or more painful for you if I do please forgive me, but have you thought about speaking with your priest about an annulment for your marriage?

Again I do not mean to offend you! God bless and hope you have a good day!
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Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words. You haven’t offended me at all. I am going to seek the advice of a wonderful priest here. Right now, I’m working on filing for the separation.

Yesterday, my husband said he is going to go to a therapist in Kansas to get help. I hope he can, but he had been seeing a counselor in Japan for quite a while. I have lost pretty much all hope. I am beginning to believe that he has narcissistic personality disorder. His stepfather, who was his fatherly role model from age 6 to 18 - also the one who molested and abused him - was diagnosed with this, and my husband has the traits. He switches back and forth from blaming me for everything, to beating himself up, calling himself a failure, etc., which makes me feel terrible for him and makes me feel like everything is my fault. Or he will elevate something pretty miniscule I did - such as yelling at him in anger - to the level of the things he has done to me. It’s like I can never do anything right. He says nothing he does will ever be good enough for me, I’ll never be satisfied. That’s not true. I just want him to be a good husband and father, not hide porn, not dress like a woman, not drink like a fish, and not cheat on me (this, again, he continuously denies, but the evidence is quite strong). I’m not trying to be judgmental. It’s just so draining.
 
I think you’ve been given some wonderful advice. I certainly don’t have anything better to add. I just wanted to say that I’m proud of you for taking this very hard step and putting your child(ren)'s welfare first. Unfortunately I see the opposite end too many times where the parent does little or nothing to protect their children.

You mentioned in your post that you have a three-year-old – I was unclear if there were other children or how old that child is now, but you might want to consider some kind of age-appropriate counseling for him/her. They’ll probably have a lot of feelings and anxiety that they won’t know how to deal with and either won’t want to upset you with it (depending on their age) or they won’t even know how to express it. Just a thought.

Blessings to you!!!
 
I too am praying for you and your husband and children. Trust in God–he will bring good from this evil in this life or the next. Keep praying, even for those who have harmed you. God never forgets His own and you belong to the Lord!

JB
 
Today, I went up to my husband’s grandmother’s house for a party. Only a couple of people know what’s going on, his mother included. His mother took me aside and told me she loved her son, but completely understood where I was coming from and was grateful that I was doing what was best for the children. He told her about the crossdressing, but not the alleged affair - I told her about that, as well as about my rejected compromise with the crossdressing.

This evening, when I was praying with the boys, I said we should especially pray for Dad. David, my 5-year-old, said he prayed Dad would come back soon. I told him Dad was going to come visit, and he started crying and asking why Dad couldn’t live with us anymore. I said he was making bad choices, and we should pray for him, and that I didn’t know if we would ever live together again, but we always needed to pray that Dad would do the right thing. I told the boys that their Mommy loved, loved, loved them and that none of this was their fault, and that I would absolutely always be there for them whenever they needed me, for whatever reason. I told them how special they were and how much Jesus loves them and will always be there for them. I told them what strong, big boys they were, and that we would all be ok. My poor babies - I have never had to do something more difficult than explain this to them. My little David said, “You make me happy, too, Mom.” Why is this happening? Why can’t my husband do the right thing? What kind of person would choose wearing womens’ clothes over their children? I can’t believe this is happening to us.

Please, please pray for us.
 
Irish_Becca said:
Today, I went up to my husband’s grandmother’s house for a party. Only a couple of people know what’s going on, his mother included. His mother took me aside and told me she loved her son, but completely understood where I was coming from and was grateful that I was doing what was best for the children. He told her about the crossdressing, but not the alleged affair - I told her about that, as well as about my rejected compromise with the crossdressing.

This evening, when I was praying with the boys, I said we should especially pray for Dad. David, my 5-year-old, said he prayed Dad would come back soon. I told him Dad was going to come visit, and he started crying and asking why Dad couldn’t live with us anymore. I said he was making bad choices, and we should pray for him, and that I didn’t know if we would ever live together again, but we always needed to pray that Dad would do the right thing. I told the boys that their Mommy loved, loved, loved them and that none of this was their fault, and that I would absolutely always be there for them whenever they needed me, for whatever reason. I told them how special they were and how much Jesus loves them and will always be there for them. I told them what strong, big boys they were, and that we would all be ok. My poor babies - I have never had to do something more difficult than explain this to them. My little David said, “You make me happy, too, Mom.” Why is this happening? Why can’t my husband do the right thing? What kind of person would choose wearing womens’ clothes over their children? I can’t believe this is happening to us.

Please, please pray for us.
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:grouphug:

Hang in there luv. It’s going to be tough on your kids and everyone involved. Thank God your husbands mother understands. Having that kind of support will make all the difference in the world.

I’m glad impressed upon your children that this wasn’t their fault, but remember, it wasn’t your fault either. What you’re doing is the best for everyone. Bless you for trying to help your kids understand, when I was three years old and repeatedly asked my mother why dad left and when he was coming back, she never once offered me even a glimmer of an explaination, she just bit her lip and looked away.

Not having their dad around all the time is definately something they’ll have to adjust to, but as Dr. Phil always says, “children would rather be from a broken home than in one.” Not living with a dad is better than living with an alcoholic and unfaithful dad. Neither situation is ideal, but you are faced with the decision because of your husbands poor choices, not yours.

Your husband is not an evil man, he, as you told your children, needs prayers. He’s just lost and needs to find his way on his own.

You’re doing the right thing and don’t you forget it. Please private message me if you ever want to talk more or even just vent.
 
Oh Irish Becca, as a mother myself, my heart goes out to you and your boys. I will definitely pray for you, your kids, and for your husband’s conversion.
 
Hi everyone,

I just wanted to let you know that last night, after being cornered, my husband finally admitted to an ongoing affair with the woman I suspected. I’m sure this wasn’t the first time. Also, he admitted to making a joke out of the rehab program he went through and was running around drinking with this woman. He also told me that he is in love with me but doesn’t know if he wants to be married to me. I don’t really think he is capable of that kind of love, either because of his childhood, or because of his choices. Either way, I just need to accept that he doesn’t love me, and move on. My feelings for him are confusing - I loved someone, who I was led to believe he was, but not who he really is. I don’t think that he even knows who he really is.

In any case, I thank you so much for your prayers. This marriage just seems to have been doomed from the start, one of those “shipwrecked” marriages, as Dr. Popcak talks about in his books. No matter how many times I forgave, how many times I tried to help, or how much I loved him, there was nothing I could do for him, because he never made the choice to get help or be helped. I feel so betrayed, and really just dumbfounded. I don’t know what his plan was - to get us out to Kansas with him, and then what? I just don’t get it. All during this affair, he made sure to write me, call me, tell me how much he loved me, and continue our cute little “us” things (making up disgusting names for each other 😊). It seems that he thinks as long as he doesn’t admit it, it didn’t happen. If I don’t know, it doesn’t count. All through our marriage, it has been this way over and over.

Boy, I am exhausted. Last night, I was haunted by dreams of them together. Yet when I think about it, I feel nothing. It seems like these things only really bother me when I am trying to sleep. I pray to my dear Lord that He will bring me peace, and I know that in time, I will have peace. I pray to my dear Lord that there is someone out there for me, someone who will eventually come into my life after this is all over with, after the annulment is taken care of - a good Catholic who will just really, truly love and treasure me. One of the most painful things for me is having to accept that I will no longer be someone’s wife - that companionship will be gone, the companionship I thought was there, but truly, never really was. The loss of the good things, which all along were just masking the bad things. The loss of hope.

Last night, I sat out in the backyard and just let my senses be filled with God’s creation. The yard is so beautiful - lush, green grass, apple and pear trees, pretty flowers, all littered by my babies’ toys, scattered here and there. There were lightening bugs, something I don’t even remember seeing since my childhood. What simple peace God offers us. God’s love is just so simple, so pure and untarnished. All along, He has been my shoulder to lean on. I wish He could just hold me right now, and I could rest my head on His chest. I wish He could just hold my hand and walk with me. I just thank Him for being Him. How perfect our God is.

Please continue to pray for us. I love the wonderful Catholics on this board. Thank you for being here for me.
 
I will include you in our rosary intentions tonight. I’m so sorry.
 
Irish_Becca said:
Hi everyone,

I just wanted to let you know that last night, after being cornered, my husband finally admitted to an ongoing affair with the woman I suspected. I’m sure this wasn’t the first time. Also, he admitted to making a joke out of the rehab program he went through and was running around drinking with this woman. He also told me that he is in love with me but doesn’t know if he wants to be married to me. I don’t really think he is capable of that kind of love, either because of his childhood, or because of his choices. Either way, I just need to accept that he doesn’t love me, and move on. My feelings for him are confusing - I loved someone, who I was led to believe he was, but not who he really is. I don’t think that he even knows who he really is.

In any case, I thank you so much for your prayers. This marriage just seems to have been doomed from the start, one of those “shipwrecked” marriages, as Dr. Popcak talks about in his books. No matter how many times I forgave, how many times I tried to help, or how much I loved him, there was nothing I could do for him, because he never made the choice to get help or be helped. I feel so betrayed, and really just dumbfounded. I don’t know what his plan was - to get us out to Kansas with him, and then what? I just don’t get it. All during this affair, he made sure to write me, call me, tell me how much he loved me, and continue our cute little “us” things (making up disgusting names for each other 😊). It seems that he thinks as long as he doesn’t admit it, it didn’t happen. If I don’t know, it doesn’t count. All through our marriage, it has been this way over and over.

Boy, I am exhausted. Last night, I was haunted by dreams of them together. Yet when I think about it, I feel nothing. It seems like these things only really bother me when I am trying to sleep. I pray to my dear Lord that He will bring me peace, and I know that in time, I will have peace. I pray to my dear Lord that there is someone out there for me, someone who will eventually come into my life after this is all over with, after the annulment is taken care of - a good Catholic who will just really, truly love and treasure me. One of the most painful things for me is having to accept that I will no longer be someone’s wife - that companionship will be gone, the companionship I thought was there, but truly, never really was. The loss of the good things, which all along were just masking the bad things. The loss of hope.

Last night, I sat out in the backyard and just let my senses be filled with God’s creation. The yard is so beautiful - lush, green grass, apple and pear trees, pretty flowers, all littered by my babies’ toys, scattered here and there. There were lightening bugs, something I don’t even remember seeing since my childhood. What simple peace God offers us. God’s love is just so simple, so pure and untarnished. All along, He has been my shoulder to lean on. I wish He could just hold me right now, and I could rest my head on His chest. I wish He could just hold my hand and walk with me. I just thank Him for being Him. How perfect our God is.

Please continue to pray for us. I love the wonderful Catholics on this board. Thank you for being here for me.
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(((becca))) You could write a book–I really like your writing style. Albeit, I wish you weren’t writing about this. 😦 I don’t know how families make it through these things, but I know that without faith, it probably would be impossible. You are a strong woman, strong in your faith…just take each day at a time. I feel horrible as to what this is doing to your kids. I will keep you all in my prayers…not sure what the future will bring, but we can always always count on the Lord. God bless. (I think I need to take some time, and sit outside for a while, just drinking in simplicity…not sure when life became so busy.) Hugs to you! :hug1:*
 
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