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Island_Oak
Guest
Couldn’t agree more. You won’t find any condemnation here for doing the only reasonable thing under the circumstances. I’m so very sorry. Please surround yourself with support and love!
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wcknight
Guest
I don’t know what to say except you are in my prayers. I can’t even begin to imagine living in that type of situation.
I suppose IF you had any indication that this was the type of man you were going to marry, you would never have said yes.
IF you choose to remarry, I hope and pray you find someone without such heavy baggage. Marrige is tough enough without having to deal with heavy drinking, cross dressing, and unfaithness to boot. Being abused by his father may have been the first sign of trouble, BUT he is making his own choices now. There comes a point where he is responsible for his own actions.
It’s a shame that your kids may be too young to really understand what is going on. I would think at some point, you really need to let them know that your decision to leave was not arbitrary. Their safely really was in jeopardy both morally and physically. This is not to lay blame or condemn your husband, but your kids should have a very good reason for why they can no longer live with their father.
The kids will resent your choices IF they feel that you are not being fair and upright with regards to their father. The truth may be very harse, but generalities, may not be sufficient to satisfy their sense of justice.
You don’t have to go into all the sordid details, but just saying that daddy needs our prayers doesn’t seem like a valid reason to cut him out of their lives. KIds are very smart and they have a keen sense of right and wrong. IF they think you are treating their father unjustly they will rebel and resent you for it.
Just my thoughts. May the Lord help you and your family, especially your husband who is just gone way off the deep end.
I suppose IF you had any indication that this was the type of man you were going to marry, you would never have said yes.
IF you choose to remarry, I hope and pray you find someone without such heavy baggage. Marrige is tough enough without having to deal with heavy drinking, cross dressing, and unfaithness to boot. Being abused by his father may have been the first sign of trouble, BUT he is making his own choices now. There comes a point where he is responsible for his own actions.
It’s a shame that your kids may be too young to really understand what is going on. I would think at some point, you really need to let them know that your decision to leave was not arbitrary. Their safely really was in jeopardy both morally and physically. This is not to lay blame or condemn your husband, but your kids should have a very good reason for why they can no longer live with their father.
The kids will resent your choices IF they feel that you are not being fair and upright with regards to their father. The truth may be very harse, but generalities, may not be sufficient to satisfy their sense of justice.
You don’t have to go into all the sordid details, but just saying that daddy needs our prayers doesn’t seem like a valid reason to cut him out of their lives. KIds are very smart and they have a keen sense of right and wrong. IF they think you are treating their father unjustly they will rebel and resent you for it.
Just my thoughts. May the Lord help you and your family, especially your husband who is just gone way off the deep end.
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apromisemade
Guest
You are in my prayers Becca. Just remember, “this too shall pass.” It’s going to hurt for a while, that’s just the reality, but I promise you it would’ve hurt a lot worse if you had stayed. Your husband is in his own world right now and there’s nothing you can do for him. You can’t climb inside his head and make him decide to change. You are such a strong person but don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for support if you’re ever having a tough (or perhaps particularly tough would be a better choice of words, this whole thing is tough no doubt) moment. Your husband didn’t ask to be abused, but neither did you ask to be cheated on, nor did your kids ask for an alcoholic father. But there comes a time when we must chose to do the absolute best we can with the hand we’ve been dealt. Your husband did not make that choice, you are. You are chosing the best possible avenue in a situation that is inherently painful no matter what.
You know I’m here for you. Write me anytime.
Stay Strong.
You know I’m here for you. Write me anytime.
Stay Strong.
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Irish_Becca
Guest
Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words. I thank God for this forum! Last night, we talked on the phone and I just unloaded on him, crying and asking why. All of this. Why can’t he just live an honest life, etc. He just kept saying he was sorry. Well, I’m glad I got it out of my system. I had my day of emotion yesterday, and now I’m ready to start with a brighter outlook. 
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iluvmybabies
Guest
I am deeply sorry to hear about what you are going through. May GOD bless you and enlighten your husband…May your husband see the choices he has made and think of his children first…GOD bless.
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Mrs_V
Guest
:hug1: I’m glad you had the chance to let him know how you feel (whether he really understood it or not) and want you to know you’ll be in our rosary intentions from now on. I hope you get a chance to sit down with a trusted priest about this. :hug1: God knew what he was doing for your children when he gave them a mom like you!Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words. I thank God for this forum! Last night, we talked on the phone and I just unloaded on him, crying and asking why. All of this. Why can’t he just live an honest life, etc. He just kept saying he was sorry. Well, I’m glad I got it out of my system. I had my day of emotion yesterday, and now I’m ready to start with a brighter outlook.
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Irish_Becca
Guest
Thank you so much. I desperately just want to be over all this. I wish I could fast forward to a year from now. I know things will be much better then. This is so painful - I really am a complete wreck. I can’t believe he was crawling around in bed with his best friend’s wife. It’s just the kind of person he is. I keep repeating to myself that he just doesn’t love me. I need to accept this. Wow, I am on such an emotional roller coaster. One minute I feel strong, like I can get through all this and everything is going to be great, and the next I am crumbling and bawling, wanting the person I thought was my husband to come rescue me. But he’s just not who I thought he was. He just isn’t, plain and simple. He’s bad for me - he just makes me hurt, over and over again. When he calls me (about money), I end up crying to him. It takes hours to get over it. My doctor referred me to a Christian counselor, and I think I have found a nice child care center for my boys. I’m going to go check it out tomorrow.
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apromisemade
Guest
Perfectly normal. This transition is going to be a gradual one, rocky, but gradual. Don’t expect your feelings to change overnight, feelings don’t work that way.
I’m glad to hear you are getting support. Don’t be afraid, you will make it.
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tbcrawford
Guest
Hi i think you are incredible your kids are so lucky to have such a wonderful mum as you.I am so sorry for your suffering.I wish i could take some of that pain from you.I had a very difficult 20yrs of marriage in my life but my suffering was not nearly as painful as yours.I admire and respect you greatly.God is with you always.When we are SO upset its really hard to remember that He loves, Is there with us.Turn to Our Lord think about Him,pray to Him throughout the day.Talk to friends on this site but most of all talk to a priest.He really will be a comfort to you.I dont know if there is a catholic marriage guidance organisation where you live perhaps look on the internet you can go alone to these sessions.I am praying for you.In the name of The Father and of The Son and of The Holy Spirit Amen.May Almighty God Bless You and be with you now and always.
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Morwenna
Guest
You reaction is completely natural; you are grieving the loss of the person you thought he was.
I have no helpful words of comfort for you, other than to say that my heart aches for you, and I’ll be remembering you in prayer. :hug1:
Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in You!
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Ailina
Guest
Hi Becca,
That roller coaster is going to last for a while, especially since you have been traumatized over the last few years. Have you heard about the stages of grief? You are mourning your marriage and mourning the man you thought your husband was (as well as mourning the potential you saw in him). It is okay to grieve, cry, get angry (yes! repressed anger turns to depression, did you know?), feel better. And then go through all those emotions again as you go through the painful process of divorce.
I leaned on God heavily through my divorce, and was able to keep my kids in a stable environment that whole time. I bent over backwards to protect them from the fall out of our broken family. And prayed A LOT!
My ex too has extraordinary issues, which I could not help him with. People like that need more help and expertize than we wives can give them, unfortunately, but we still feel guilty when everything falls apart. My kids don’t know why we split up (how do you tell them their dad wanted an open marriage, and then have to explain what THAT means??) and will never find out from me. All they know is that their dad does not love me and left.
In the end, complete detachment from my ex is what has really helped. We do not chit chat like old friends do, because just when I think we can get along, he says or does something to remind me of his complete untrustworthiness. You may find that kind of detachment will help you heal faster.
Does your local dioscese have a support program for people in your situation? I posted this for someone else in the same sort of situation as yours:
beginningexperience.org/
My diocese has a similar program, and that saved my life, I swear! I was so lonely and isolated and humiliated at the end of my marriage.
Prayers and hugs for you during this horrible faze. Things WILL get better, you will start feeling better. It just takes time, so go one day at a time so you don’t feel overwhelmed.
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BrokenFortress
Guest
I’m just reading about this now, but just wanted to say you have my prayers.
God bless you for being so strong for your children. Know that you are doing what is right for them, and it will get better. :hug1:
God bless you for being so strong for your children. Know that you are doing what is right for them, and it will get better. :hug1:
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Irish_Becca
Guest
Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words and advice!!! Again, I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have so many wonderful Catholic/non-Catholic Christians praying for us. It is truly a blessing from God. I am praying for you, too.
I found a nice, moderately-priced part-time day care for my boys so I can make appointments or study, or stop by school if I need to. My dad has set up our appointment with an attorney here in town. Yesterday, the boys and I went up to my aunt’s house for a barbecue - we had a wonderful time. I haven’t seen too much of my extended family for the last 8 years because of the military. My aunt relates well to my situation - she was married to a man very similar to my husband. She is a devout Catholic, did all she could to make the marriage work, and in the end he just wouldn’t choose his family over his “fun.”
I’ve decided not to chit-chat with my husband. Besides, any time he has called, it’s been to ask for more money. I’ve already given him $1200, which he promises to pay back when he gets his allowances and reimbursement. I hope he does. It’s just got to be a business relationship now. Makes me very sad, but it is the best possible solution for the situation. Not what a marriage is supposed to be, of course, but I am questioning if I ever had a marriage to begin with.
Thank you for the information about Beginning Experience. It looks like there is a program in Cincinnati, so I am going to look into that.
Thank you so much and God bless.
I found a nice, moderately-priced part-time day care for my boys so I can make appointments or study, or stop by school if I need to. My dad has set up our appointment with an attorney here in town. Yesterday, the boys and I went up to my aunt’s house for a barbecue - we had a wonderful time. I haven’t seen too much of my extended family for the last 8 years because of the military. My aunt relates well to my situation - she was married to a man very similar to my husband. She is a devout Catholic, did all she could to make the marriage work, and in the end he just wouldn’t choose his family over his “fun.”
I’ve decided not to chit-chat with my husband. Besides, any time he has called, it’s been to ask for more money. I’ve already given him $1200, which he promises to pay back when he gets his allowances and reimbursement. I hope he does. It’s just got to be a business relationship now. Makes me very sad, but it is the best possible solution for the situation. Not what a marriage is supposed to be, of course, but I am questioning if I ever had a marriage to begin with.
Thank you for the information about Beginning Experience. It looks like there is a program in Cincinnati, so I am going to look into that.
Thank you so much and God bless.
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