Not inviting sister to wedding?

[alice24]

Hello all,

I have problems with my sister. Not only since yesterday, but for years. I will make it short, as I posted about this here some years before:
My sister is 9 years older then me. I love her very much, more I can describe. But we developed in different ways. We didn´t talked much and when, there was conflict. She lives in constant hate to my mother, who gave us a not so easy childhood with her depression and divorce, but I never thought hate for her is ok. I love her, too.
My sister is homosexual. She lives as a lesbian, wants to adopt children. I never supported this, but I was always friendly to her friends. She got cancer twice and survived, but with huge damage. The last conflict we had was when she got angry about me because I didn´t want to give her my cells for in vitro. I got bad results regarding fertility from my doctor some weeks ago and told her in my rush, and she simply said “now you see how I feel” in a very cold way. She brought up the in vitro option, only for HER benefit, again and I was so sad and angry about this. Iknow she suffers from drepression and I fear her death, but the uses this as a weapon against me.
Ok. Now I will get married in a few weeks, and I decided to not invite her. She never said “congratulation” or anything and we didn´t talked after this last trouble. My father, who lives not in our country and don´t get all information when it comes to those family issues, wonders how “cold” I am to my sister. I never told him the details about the ideology of my sister, as I wanted to protect her and I was…simply ashamed. He wouldn´t undertand it at all, he would just be so in fear and I don´t want to risk his health.
Now I fear that I will never lose this “cruel sister” mark at my father, and I fear losing my sister.
But I get afraid when I only think of her making drama at the wedding, and I am still hurt.
Have you any advice?

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Hello all,

I have problems with my sister. Not only since yesterday, but for years. I will make it short, as I posted about this here some years before:
My sister is 9 years older then me. I love her very much, more I can describe. But we developed in different ways. We didn´t talked much and when, there was conflict. She lives in constant hate to my mother, who gave us a not so easy childhood with her depression and divorce, but I never thought hate for her is ok. I love her, too.
My sister is homosexual. She lives as a lesbian, wants to adopt children. I never supported this, but I was always friendly to her friends. She got cancer twice and survived, but with huge damage. The last conflict we had was when she got angry about me because I didn´t want to give her my cells for in vitro. I got bad results regarding fertility from my doctor some weeks ago and told her in my rush, and she simply said “now you see how I feel” in a very cold way. She brought up the in vitro option, only for HER benefit, again and I was so sad and angry about this. Iknow she suffers from drepression and I fear her death, but the uses this as a weapon against me.
Ok. Now I will get married in a few weeks, and I decided to not invite her. She never said “congratulation” or anything and we didn´t talked after this last trouble. My father, who lives not in our country and don´t get all information when it comes to those family issues, wonders how “cold” I am to my sister. I never told him the details about the ideology of my sister, as I wanted to protect her and I was…simply ashamed. He wouldn´t undertand it at all, he would just be so in fear and I don´t want to risk his health.
Now I fear that I will never lose this “cruel sister” mark at my father, and I fear losing my sister.
But I get afraid when I only think of her making drama at the wedding, and I am still hurt.
Have you any advice?

You’re not inviting your sister. Your father has no idea of whats going on. She has cancer and is depressed. She tried to relate to you but you see it as only a challenge and her being selfish. It may very well be, but honestly, NONE of this looks very good on you.

It’s your choice not to invite her. Your right. But you must also face the consequences in your family because of it. It’s not unfair for someone to judge that.

Based on your other thread you spend a good amount of time caring for her and refuse to move to another country because you are committed and irreplaceable as her care team. Yet even after that level of dedication you’re not letting her attend your wedding? Does that not sound strange to you?

 

[alice24]

What “doesn´t look very good on me”? I don´t get your point.

Well , taking care and dealing with her opinions are two seperate things. I take care of her when she is in the hospital, I cared for her after her operations etc. I tried also to take care for her mentally (calling her when she is depressed, trying to give her mental support when she is in fear).
But there is a border now. She told me I wouldn´t see her pain and wouldn´t love her because I don´t want to support her in vitro plans. She said I have to support as it is “normal as a sister”.She told me I am egoistic “with my strange religious belief”.
I don´t think so, and yes, caring and don´t inviting her is strange, but I am really hurt. She told me some months ago I am egoistic because I said no when she asked me for a gun “in case she wants to make this end”. Beside all her pain which I see, really, this is not ok, this is cruel.
The last time she met my mother she got so angry she talked to her in a way that caused my mother was crying for hours. So, I don´t know what to do with ere when I invite her.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

What “doesn´t look very good on me”? I don´t get your point.

Well , taking care and dealing with her opinions are two seperate things. I take care of her when she is in the hospital, I cared for her after her operations etc. I tried also to take care for her mentally (calling her when she is depressed, trying to give her mental support when she is in fear).
But there is a border now. She told me I wouldn´t see her pain and wouldn´t love her because I don´t want to support her in vitro plans. She said I have to support as it is “normal as a sister”.She told me I am egoistic “with my strange religious belief”.
I don´t think so, and yes, caring and don´t inviting her is strange, but I am really hurt. She told me some months ago I am egoistic because I said no when she asked me for a gun “in case she wants to make this end”. Beside all her pain which I see, really, this is not ok, this is cruel.
The last time she met my mother she got so angry she talked to her in a way that caused my mother was crying for hours. So, I don´t know what to do with ere when I invite her.

Look, it’s a wedding between you and your fiancee. Unless you think she’s going to stand up in the middle of Mass and shout obscenities, then why not just let her come?

She has said nasty things while under great pain and duress. She is clearly mentally unwell if she’s thinking about suicide. That is not your responsibility to help give her mental support. That needs the help of a professional.

It IS going to be confusing to an outsider like your father, how you can dedicate so much time to her and put up with all of this but then forbid her from going to your wedding. It does look cruel on your part.

If you were estranged for years it’d be far different…but you’re not. You’re still in communication. It’s really odd that you pick some parts of your life it’s ok for her to be in, but not others.

 

[Clementine14]

How realistic is is that your sister will create drama at your wedding? Is it possible that you are imagining scenarios that are far worse than what might actually happen? I barely even got a minute to talk to my siblings at my own wedding. What is the worst thing that could happen?

I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to refuse to include someone who is toxic to your life and who cannot be trusted to be a respectful guest. However, I think you need to evaluate what your reasons are for not including her. If you don’t want to include her because you are upset with her and have some disagreements, but you still love her, it would probably be a good thing to invite her not only for her sake but also for the sake of family peace. This is not to say that you don’t deserve peace on your own wedding day, but consider what your motivation is and whether it is worthwhile for any future relationship you hope to have with your sister to leave her out.

What does your fiance think?

 

[Katie777]

Praying for the relationship between you and your sister.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and may the day be filled with peace and happiness.

 

[alice24]

Well, I fear she could fight with my mother so much that I have to care for my mother after. Last time a friend of her told some stories of her kids on a birthday and she got angry and depressed the full evening and fought with her because she were “unsensible”.

Yes, I know. I (and many friends) told her she need support, but she don´t want. She is a psychologist, and probably those experts are the worst clients. When I tell her that thinking of suicide needs professional help, she told me “you are not an expert, I am only realistic”.
We had close contact in the last years, but I didn´t shared much of my worldview with here because she blames me for this constantly. So, I was silent. I don´t feel very comfortable when she hates everything regarding this wedding, marriage itself, the ceremony, etc. Yes, it is a bit childish, I always seeked her ok because she was the older sister. Maybe a huge point is that I feel stressed because she dislikes everything I do on this day.

 

[alice24]

My fiancé told me to get more distanced to here, because he saw me really sad after our talks. He said that her behaviour is an emotional blackmail, as my best friend and my mother also told me. He said he will support the decision, but also told me he would understand my tolerance because she is my sister and sick. He was very offended because my sister told him he won´t discuss with him as he is “one of those antifeminist guys I use to attract”…

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Well, I fear she could fight with my mother so much that I have to care for my mother after. Last time a friend of her told some stories of her kids on a birthday and she got angry and depressed the full evening and fought with her because she were “unsensible”.

Yes, I know. I (and many friends) told her she need support, but she don´t want. She is a psychologist, and probably those experts are the worst clients. When I tell her that thinking of suicide needs professional help, she told me “you are not an expert, I am only realistic”.
We had close contact in the last years, but I didn´t shared much of my worldview with here because she blames me for this constantly. So, I was silent. I don´t feel very comfortable when she hates everything regarding this wedding, marriage itself, the ceremony, etc. Yes, it is a bit childish, I always seeked her ok because she was the older sister. Maybe a huge point is that I feel stressed because she dislikes everything I do on this day.

Everyone has opinions about weddings. My mom was so upset that I kept mine small. She offered to pay for her friends to come…but it was not what my husband and I wanted. It was very hard dealing with that stress…constantly being told and hearing hints of how disapointing it was. But she’s a good mom. She got just as crazy when my brothers got married. Something about weddings…

My brother is an avowed atheist. He HATES religion. I gave him the option of coming to the reception only since I knew he found everything about the Catholic Church repulsive. He came to the Mass and was well behaved.

I think you may need some help detaching from her and her opinions. You are giving her “headspace” that it will soon be incredibly inappropriate for her to have. It seems to me that you (inapropriately) looking to her for approval is more than a minor part of the dysfunction of this whole situation.

 

[alice24]

Did you discussed the conflicts with your brother during the feast (or would you have done this) if he would have brought it up? Or would you just say “this is not the moment for discussion” and hope that everyone will respect this for those few hours?
Well, one big point for me is that I am very offended because of the last talk. I had always problems to draw a line between her needs and my live, for example she was angry that I quit my contract for my flat for the end of december because we simply don´t have money for an extra rent. She calculated to spend some days there (without discussing it with me) and is angry about this. I know this is not a realistic fault, but I still had problems to not feel completely guilty the following week.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Like most rabid athiests, my brother has no filter. At my “bridal shower” which was really my mom utilizing her chance to show me off to her friends, it was made clear that both my brother and SIL were just SO over religion. That night at dinner I told him that I didn’t want to hear it at my wedding. I told him he could skip the church ceremony if that made him more comfortable, but his atheist conversation was NOT going to be tolerated.

He wised up and shut up.

Have you ever read anything about co-dependence? It seems that your relationship with her has spilled over into an extremely unhealthy territory. Your living circumstances aren’t any of her business. You are giving her too much information, she’s taking advantage of it, and then you’re getting mad because she knows too much and makes assumptions. You are responsible for your role in this.

 

[alice24]

Ok, this is good to know, thank you very much. This no filter thing sounds familiar. There is a coworker who felt the need to explain me and my fiancé every time he saw us outside the buraeu why religion is such a plague and that intelligent people are all sooo atheistic. Well. I think it would be good, as you made it, to make clear there won´t be space for those conflicts during the wedding.

Yes, I read about this. Alot more than one may think when reading my texts above. I tried to get a therapist to talk about his and some other stuff, but I don´t got a therapy place. Waiting lists here are long and sometimes completely closed.
So I got some books about it and soemtimes I feel it works better then some years ago, for example when I feel that ignoring calls and feeling guilty after is an ill system of mine when I am stressed out because of the fighting. But I also see the need for a specialist.

 

[kinghenry17]

This is your day and if you do not feel like inviting her, you do not need to. If you worry about her being inappropriate that is a bad sign. Her being a lesbian is a sin against God and she does not need to be a mother. It is hard to not invite a sister but if she is a difficult woman, which it sounds like she is, then do what you feel comfortable with. Be strong in your beliefs and have a good time with those you love, and those who respect you

 

[TheLittleLady]

Literally, what would Jesus do? You may be the only face of Jesus that your sister sees.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Hugs and I’m so sorry about your diagnosis. You have a lot to bear right now.
Do your parents know your sister is ssa?
I would still invite her to the wedding.
You don’t have to agree with her on everything.
Families say dumb stuff to each other. We’re all broken and things get said. The path of forgiveness is the best one.
Don’t worry about being the good sister or the bad sister. Your first loyalty is to God.

 

[Theo520]

Ok. Now I will get married in a few weeks, and I decided to not invite her. She never said “congratulation” or anything and we didn´t talked after this last trouble.

Don’t be petty about this stuff. Things like weddings are to bring family together, not drive a deeper wedge.

Learn to let go and forgive.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

ow, thank you very much. This no filter thing sounds familiar. There is a coworker who felt the need to explain me and my fiancé every time he saw us outside the buraeu why religion is such a plague and that intelligent people are all sooo atheistic. Well. I think it would be good, as you made it, to make clear there won´t be space for those conflicts during the wedding.

Yes, I read about this. Alot more than one may think when reading my texts above. I tried to get a therapist to talk about his and some other stuff, but I don´t got a therapy place. Waiting lists here are long and sometimes completely closed.

It’s good that you’ve had some introspection on this. In lieu of professional help, books are often the next best thing. You can make progress.

I would recommend you search for books on co-dependence, toxic relatives, creating boundaries and the Conrad Baars (Catholic Psycologist) book on healing emotions.

And still keep trying to find professional help. It’s not healthy to feel bad for establishing boundaries.

Look at this example.

My MIL loves to come over to see my little one. She usually gives 3 or 4 days notice, since she’s an hour away. Lately, she’s been really busy. She asked to come when I already had plans–Lunch on a Friday. She pushed and pushed indicating that she was really busy, this was her only time, etc. I held firm. I could not cancel my plans with this person (my child’s godfather who’s like family). I offered her an alternative time.

She was upset, but a day later got back to me and decided to come then.

I was happy because I got time with both persons. If I had caved and canceled I would be upset and resent her for “making” me cancel.

You see how not having boundaries can actually make the feelings towards a person worse?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Jesus would want you to be kind to your sister, and you are doing this generally in your life.

However, the wedding is your day, and if you have good reason to think your sister is going to ruin it by starting a fight with your mother or any other behavior, you’re within your rights to not invite her and to tell her, kindly but firmly, exactly why. You will have to deal with the fallout from her hurt feelings and also with your father, who does not “get” this, but at the same time has absented himself from the situation to the degree that he has no idea what’s going on in sister’s life. Maybe you should tell him.

I would have no qualms about not inviting any relative, short of perhaps my parents, who acted towards me like you describe. You are not cutting them out of your life, you still love them, but they have chosen to act toxic, and can’t be a party to all the “good stuff” when they just ruin it. It’s an expense to have someone at a wedding, and an honor to be invited; for attendees other than parents, the privilege should be earned.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

honestly, NONE of this looks very good on you.

I note that this is one person’s opinion. Obviously, other people like me and kinghenry have a different one.

We should not be making decisions regarding our emotional health or other tricky situations based on “how it looks” to the outside world unless there is some concern about job loss or public scandal. It is not the business of onlookers how we protect ourselves emotionally. I’m sure I’ve done things like cut people off that made me look bad to some group (and look good to another group). I did it because it was necessary for me. One more straw would have broke the camel’s back and I am the camel and I know when that point is. Others do not have a right to judge me or guilt me.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Xanthippe_Voorhees:

honestly, NONE of this looks very good on you.

I note that this is one person’s opinion. Obviously, other people like me and kinghenry have a different one.

We should not be making decisions regarding our emotional health or other tricky situations based on “how it looks” to the outside world unless there is some concern about job loss or public scandal. It is not the business of onlookers how we protect ourselves emotionally. I’m sure I’ve done things like cut people off that made me look bad to some group (and look good to another group). I did it because it was necessay for me. One more straw would have broke the camel’s back and I am the camel and I know when that point is. Others do not have a right to judge me or guilt me.

No, we never should.

I think that some people SHOULD be cut off. I’m adopted. For a while I was in contact with some of my biological relatives. Unfortunately, they got toxic and I had to cut them off.

What would look bad is maintaining a relationship…the fact that she still engages in fights, she still is an important part of her sister’s care team, that she talks to her frequently…but then refuses her to be allowed to attend the wedding.

If this was a case of “I cut my sister off 2 years ago because she was XYZ and people have an issue with that” my response would have been different. It’s the inconsistency that looks bad here.