Not liking NFP

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bearkatjen

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DH and I have recently given up condoms for NFP. DH is a cradle Catholic and I am coming into the Church this Spring. We are trying NFP not because either of us actually think contraception is wrong, but because I feel like with our recent convalidation and my upcoming sacraments, that I am making a commitment to live by church teachings and that it’s false for me to knowingly do something that goes against those promises I have made and am making. DH doesn’t feel this way, but he’s willing to use NFP because I want to. As for as preventing conception, I am fine with NFP. As far as enjoying sex goes, I am not. I prefer using a condom. DH has no preference. For me, with a condom, I feel more, it last longer, and (this is the main reason) there’s not so much mess. I hated dealing with the mess when we were trying to get pregnant, but it’s been a few years so I was hoping I would feel differently now. I don’t. I hate it. I’m ready to quit NFP and go back to condoms.

I want to be inline with church teachings, and I tend to fine that easy to do. Most church teachings are inline with how I live my life, plus most church teachings aren’t so black and white. I don’t know what to do about this. If I don’t think it’s wrong to use contraception (and I have thought long and hard about this and I really don’t think it’s wrong), then is it even something I need to bring up in confession? To me, the sin isn’t that I’m using contraception, it’s that I’m breaking a promise to not use contraception (even though I haven’t actually made that promise, it’s something I discovered after the convalidation).
 
bearkatjen said:
Most church teachings are inline with how I live my life,
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But what it REALLY means to be a Christian is to conform your life to Christ. Not just the parts of it that are “in line” with how you want to live your life.

Give your WHOLE life to Christ, not just the convenient parts.
bearkatjen said:
I don’t know what to do about this.
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You take up your cross and follow Christ.
bearkatjen said:
If I don’t think it’s wrong to use contraception (and I have thought long and hard about this and I really don’t think it’s wrong), then is it even something I need to bring up in confession?
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Yes. Contraception is a sin. You need to make a firm committment NOT to contracept and confess your past use of contraception.
bearkatjen said:
To me, the sin isn’t that I’m using contraception, it’s that I’m breaking a promise to not use contraception (even though I haven’t actually made that promise, it’s something I discovered after the convalidation).
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Well, actually it’s both
 
Humans are capable of accepting a lot of pain and suffering if we know we are doing it for a good cause. It is easy to accept the burdens of NFP when you understand why contraception is wrong. It is easy to do God’s will when you identify it and then embrace it as the Truth.

Is conforming to an infallible Church teaching you don’t understand worth dealing with the discomfort NFP makes for you? I would think yes, but I understand the teaching so my opinion is biased haha. Please note though that this is a serious teaching and is identified by the Church as one of the greatest evils the World faces today. Conforming to a teaching you don’t understand is always a painful position to be in and I would hope you continue to search for answers to relieve that burden.
 
The thing with Catholicism is that you don’t get to pick and choose what you believe. If something is definitively stated to be a sin (like using condoms) then you don’t get to just take the rest and leave that little bit. You either accept what the Church teaches or you’re not Catholic. I have found that when there is something that I initially don’t believe, I study the Church’s reasoning. Then I study it some more, and some more. I have come to understand and accept a great many things that way.

As far as condoms go, they are not only a problem because they contracept but also because they interfere with the unitive purpose of sex. They literally put a barrier between you and your husband during the moment when you should be the closest you can get, physically and spiritually. That is why many people, even those who have absolutely no problem with contraception, hate using them. You’re just not as close to your lover, even if it’s only by a micro-millimeter’s difference.
 
Nate13 said:
Humans are capable of accepting a lot of pain and suffering if we know we are doing it for a good cause. It is easy to accept the burdens of NFP when you understand why contraception is wrong. It is easy to do God’s will when you identify it and then embrace it as the Truth.

Is conforming to an infallible Church teaching you don’t understand worth dealing with the discomfort NFP makes for you?
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I’m fine abstaining from sex when I’m infertile. When I do want to have sex, and I’m not at risk of becoming pregnant, I don’t think pain, suffering, or discomfort should be involved. Otherwise, why am I even having sex? The burden gets in the way of being intimate with my husband.
 
Of course we’re going to advise you to obey the Church’s teaching. I’d recommend you seek more understanding of the teaching.

Honestly, I don’t understand you’re preference for condoms. There is definitely more physical connect and thus an increased encounter with intimacy with your spouse without a condom. Intimacy is really the primary gift of sex more than the physical gratification anyway. As for the mess, I’d say its just going to take some time to get used to. I suppose its sort of like getting comfortable with things just being a certain way. We get so used to say, the same material and cut of underwear that when we switch it feels quit strange and can sometimes make us feel uncomfortable but eventually we get used to it.

I’d suggest just ensuring you have a towel for afterward. Honestly being married finally made me understand why so many houses have master bathrooms. But, if you don’t have a masterbathroom, have a nice robe over a chair and grab before going to the bathroom to clean up. Its also very useful when a crying baby needs your attention.
 
bearkatjen said:
I’m fine abstaining from sex when I’m infertile. When I do want to have sex, and I’m not at risk of becoming pregnant, I don’t think pain, suffering, or discomfort should be involved. Otherwise, why am I even having sex? The burden gets in the way of being intimate with my husband.
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You described the main reason for using condoms as there being a “mess” when you don’t use them. Think about this statement – that there’s a “mess.” What happens is natural, whether you are fertile or not.

Condoms are a sin. We don’t get to choose condoms for convenience.
 
bearkatjen said:
DH and I have recently given up condoms for NFP. DH is a cradle Catholic and I am coming into the Church this Spring. We are trying NFP not because either of us actually think contraception is wrong, but because I feel like with our recent convalidation and my upcoming sacraments, that I am making a commitment to live by church teachings and that it’s false for me to knowingly do something that goes against those promises I have made and am making. DH doesn’t feel this way, but he’s willing to use NFP because I want to. As for as preventing conception, I am fine with NFP. As far as enjoying sex goes, I am not. I prefer using a condom. DH has no preference. For me, with a condom, I feel more, it last longer, and (this is the main reason) there’s not so much mess. I hated dealing with the mess when we were trying to get pregnant, but it’s been a few years so I was hoping I would feel differently now. I don’t. I hate it. I’m ready to quit NFP and go back to condoms.

I want to be inline with church teachings, and I tend to fine that easy to do. Most church teachings are inline with how I live my life, plus most church teachings aren’t so black and white. I don’t know what to do about this. If I don’t think it’s wrong to use contraception (and I have thought long and hard about this and I really don’t think it’s wrong), then is it even something I need to bring up in confession? To me, the sin isn’t that I’m using contraception, it’s that I’m breaking a promise to not use contraception (even though I haven’t actually made that promise, it’s something I discovered after the convalidation).
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Hi Bearkatjen,

It sounds like you disagree with not using contraception because sex isn’t as pleasurable for you as it was before, ie doesn’t last as longer and you feel less.

Firstly, both of those problems can be worked on and adjusted to. There are many marital aids that help delay ejaculation and help your husband last longer. There are many different manuels/books/courses you can look into to help you and your husband increase your pleasure during sex.

As for the mess… I can only say that this is part of the natural course of action with of the body. As you say you have recently given up contraception, it might be that over time you will get used to the “messiness” of sex and see it for what it is the completion of a loving act between a married couple. However, reverting back to contraception is wrong and a sinfull act and something I don’t think any Catholic can advise you to return to doing.

It might be worth your time to explore the Churches stance on contraception and why she teaches what she does regarding it.
 
You are starting out well, I think. You’re trying to follow the teaching to not use contraception even though you don’t fully understand or agree with it’s reasoning. But you’re trying to follow it anyways because that is what you have promised to do. That’s a good starting point! As others have suggested, you should continue to educate yourself on why the Church teaches what it does.

As for preferring condoms, I understand where you are coming from. The mess was a HUGE drawback/inconvenience for DH and I when we were first starting to accept the Church’s teaching. Someone suggested having a towel close by–yes, this helps a lot! Also a quick trip to the restroom to clean up afterwards does wonders to help get to sleep afterwards. (If night time is your time of choice, that is.) As time goes on, you will get used to it somewhat. It is the natural for things to be messy. That probably doesn’t sound very encouraging right now. I find that the increased intimacy between my husband and myself makes up for the inconvenience of the mess.
 
Just a tip on dealing with the messy part of sex, especially when you are trying to get a good nights sleep without waking up in the middle of the night to leakage…tampons do wonders.😉
 
bearkatjen said:
I’m fine abstaining from sex when I’m infertile. When I do want to have sex, and I’m not at risk of becoming pregnant, I don’t think pain, suffering, or discomfort should be involved. Otherwise, why am I even having sex? The burden gets in the way of being intimate with my husband.
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Biology actually disagrees with you though that it is a burden.
newscientist.com/article/dn2457-semen-acts-as-an-antidepressant.html

There are also studies that show that absorbing semen will help attune a woman’s body to her spouses and reduce her risk of preeclampsia during pregnancy and possibly help reduce her risk of breast cancer.

Something can only be a burden or impediment if we allow it to be a burden or impediment.

I also suggest you read the third section from this link of the Catechism:
scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s2c2a6.htm
 
bearkatjen said:
As for as preventing conception, I am fine with NFP. As far as enjoying sex goes, I am not. I prefer using a condom. DH has no preference. For me, with a condom, I feel more, it last longer, and (this is the main reason) there’s not so much mess. I hated dealing with the mess when we were trying to get pregnant, but it’s been a few years so I was hoping I would feel differently now. I don’t. I hate it. I’m ready to quit NFP and go back to condoms.

I want to be inline with church teachings, and I tend to fine that easy to do. Most church teachings are inline with how I live my life, plus most church teachings aren’t so black and white. I don’t know what to do about this. If I don’t think it’s wrong to use contraception (and I have thought long and hard about this and I really don’t think it’s wrong), then is it even something I need to bring up in confession? To me, the sin isn’t that I’m using contraception, it’s that I’m breaking a promise to not use contraception (even though I haven’t actually made that promise, it’s something I discovered after the convalidation).
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Can you ask your priest outside of confession? Even if you confessed it wouldn’t be real if you kept using condoms as you have decided for yourself you don’t really think it is wrong anyway.
 
Nothing to add here but that I’m surprised that your husband dosen’t think there is a difference. In my very limited experience (I won’t make y’all blush :p), it deadens the sensations a lot…
 
Are you a particularly fastidious person overall or is the mess aversion particular to intimacy? If the former, this may be a sign that you could use some help relaxing. This kind of mess is normal, natural and healthy. Some messes are you know!!

One disservice some NFP promoters do is create the impression that the practice of NFP to avoid pregnancy is something inherently great that you’ll grow to love. NO, it’s NOT. It’s something painfully difficult to live by and it’s supposed to be. The married couple is designed to want each other during fertile times. By making the difficult decision to forego those fertile time opportunities, the NFP couple retains the way in which sex is inherently connected to making babies, even when circumstances prevent it. They refrain from making another baby as an act of disciplined love for each other and the needs of their family (or sometimes, they realize there really isn’t a serious reason to avoid and go for it!). Over time, the contracepting couple comes to think of sex as entirely unrelated to having children. It sounds like you were in that mode for a long time. Give yourself time to recover, even if you don’t feel like it. You may be surprised at the long term change it brings in your total intimacy as a couple. God made human sexuality a tangled up mix of subjects. It is a harmful human fantasy to pretend we can cut those up into three separate subjects: marriage, intercourse and babies.
 
manualman said:
Are you a particularly fastidious person overall or is the mess aversion particular to intimacy? If the former, this may be a sign that you could use some help relaxing. This kind of mess is normal, natural and healthy. Some messes are you know!!

One disservice some NFP promoters do is create the impression that the practice of NFP to avoid pregnancy is something inherently great that you’ll grow to love. NO, it’s NOT. It’s something painfully difficult to live by and it’s supposed to be. The married couple is designed to want each other during fertile times. By making the difficult decision to forego those fertile time opportunities, the NFP couple retains the way in which sex is inherently connected to making babies, even when circumstances prevent it. They refrain from making another baby as an act of disciplined love for each other and the needs of their family (or sometimes, they realize there really isn’t a serious reason to avoid and go for it!). Over time, the contracepting couple comes to think of sex as entirely unrelated to having children. It sounds like you were in that mode for a long time. Give yourself time to recover, even if you don’t feel like it. You may be surprised at the long term change it brings in your total intimacy as a couple. God made human sexuality a tangled up mix of subjects. It is a harmful human fantasy to pretend we can cut those up into three separate subjects: marriage, intercourse and babies.
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To the OP,

NFP is not all pie-in-the sky, and it is not always what the church or others present here. Life is reality, reality is life; it is not what we are told it is supposed to be; it does not necessarily bring all couples closer, but it apparently can. As I have said many times before, NFP alone isn’t usually the issue; it is following both NFP and church teachings on sex (no acts or means of contraception) that can create issues.

Not all couples disassociate sex with having kids; following NFP and church teachings can and does interfere and disrupt both sexual and overall intimacy for *some *couples. Yes, you may indeed “be surprised at the long term change it brings in your total intimacy as a couple”. It may be positive; it may not.

The church says we have to follow it, so we do, but it isn’t all roses, and all the positive talk - offer it up, the church says so, doing otherwise isn’t real love, read the CCC and TOB and you’ll understand, etc - does not make it any easier for some.

Good luck, keep at it.
 
A modified condom might be an option for you. I am under the impression you could use a condom as long as it doesn’t have chemicals like spermicide and you poke a hole in it. You could do that in conjunction with NFP.
 
searching04 said:
To the OP,

NFP is not all pie-in-the sky…
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You might want to read my post again, because you missed a main point of mine. The practice of NFP sucks and it’s SUPPOSED to! That dreadful part is what keeps the spiritual link between intimacy and procreation alive even when circumstances make it imprudent to have more kids. If it was easy, it would be no different than using condoms morally. It does take more effort, which is precisely why it is morally OK in some cases.

If you look at NFP as the catholic alternative to contraception, you will resent it. If you look at it as God’s merciful alternative to permanent abstinance in tough situations, it look a lot better! 😉
 
manualman said:
You might want to read my post again, because you missed a main point of mine. The practice of NFP sucks and it’s SUPPOSED to! That dreadful part is what keeps the spiritual link between intimacy and procreation alive even when circumstances make it imprudent to have more kids. If it was easy, it would be no different than using condoms morally. It does take more effort, which is precisely why it is morally OK in some cases.

If you look at NFP as the catholic alternative to contraception, you will resent it. If you look at it as God’s merciful alternative to permanent abstinance in tough situations, it look a lot better! 😉
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AMEN
 
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