Not Sorry

[renee120776]

Well, my boyfriend and I started off when we were both in hard times. Almost two years ago we started having sex. We are planning to marry in the future. (1-2 yrs) When we are intimate, we are doing it solely to please the other. My first question is, if we are planning to marry and our reasoning for the action is as stated above, how is it selfish?
Also, we’ve tried to ask for forgiveness and there are two problems. One, we aren’t wholeheartedly sorry for it. We’ve actually prayed for us to feel guilty about it so we won’t continue. If we weren’t to marry, I would be truly sorry because of my betrayal to my future husband. Two, we have tried to stop many times but get extremely discouraged when we mess up. Any advice?

 

[CatholicSheila]

Why marry in 1 - 2 years? Marry now. Then you’re free to have sex.

Reality is you don’t know whether or not you will marry. Life happens, plans change.

 

[thistle]

Well, my boyfriend and I started off when we were both in hard times. Almost two years ago we started having sex. We are planning to marry in the future. (1-2 yrs) When we are intimate, we are doing it solely to please the other.** My first question is, if we are planning to marry and our reasoning for the action is as stated above, how is it selfish? **
Also, we’ve tried to ask for forgiveness and there are two problems. One, we aren’t wholeheartedly sorry for it. We’ve actually prayed for us to feel guilty about it so we won’t continue. If we weren’t to marry, I would be truly sorry because of my betrayal to my future husband. Two, we have tried to stop many times but get extremely discouraged when we mess up. Any advice?

The short answer is that you are rejecting God’s love by disobeying him. God says you must not have sex before marriage. You want God to bend to your will because you do not want to obey his will.

 

[GEddie]

It is selfish because each is using the other for physical pleasure, without the self-giving that takes place between spouses.

Obedience is for the NOW, not for a future that may not come.

ICXC NIKA

 

[JRKH]

Well, my boyfriend and I started off when we were both in hard times. Almost two years ago we started having sex. We are planning to marry in the future. (1-2 yrs) When we are intimate, we are doing it solely to please the other. My first question is, if we are planning to marry and our reasoning for the action is as stated above, how is it selfish?

It is selfish because you are placing another person’s soul in mortal danger in exchange for a fleeting temporal pleasure.

Also, we’ve tried to ask for forgiveness and there are two problems. One, we aren’t wholeheartedly sorry for it. We’ve actually prayed for us to feel guilty about it so we won’t continue. If we weren’t to marry, I would be truly sorry because of my betrayal to my future husband. Two, we have tried to stop many times but get extremely discouraged when we mess up. Any advice?

I can understand this and frankly there is not an easy answer. The best advice I can give is that you study hard on what it really means to Love someone in the way that God wants us to Love - and in particular how God wants us to love our spouse.

Marriage will involve sacrifice, it will involve discipline. It will involve putting the other before ourselves. It also requires that we place God at the center of our marriage and do all that we can (as a couple) to conform ourselves to Him.

Bring God more fully into your heart and into your relationship and these other issues will resolve themselves.

Peace
James

 

[Newbie2]

It is selfish because you are placing another person’s soul in mortal danger in exchange for a fleeting temporal pleasure.

I can understand this and frankly there is not an easy answer. The best advice I can give is that you study hard on what it really means to Love someone in the way that God wants us to Love - and in particular how God wants us to love our spouse.

Marriage will involve sacrifice, it will involve discipline. It will involve putting the other before ourselves. It also requires that we place God at the center of our marriage and do all that we can (as a couple) to conform ourselves to Him.

Bring God more fully into your heart and into your relationship and these other issues will resolve themselves.

Peace
James

I agree. Especially in marriage, there is sacrifice and discipline. The wedding is not merely a certificate for morally licit sex. Chastity is important not only (and especially), but after as well, when circumstances dictate.

All couples married long enough will tell you that there are times when it is appropriate to abstain for a time from sexual activity for a variety of reasons, and the choice should be mutually made. Might be a couple weeks when job pressures are high, might be for medical reasons, might be for a thousand other reasons.

Think about this; if you are engaging in sex “solely” to please the other, where does the effort to please the Almighty fit in?

 

[SighGuy]

You are in a difficult situation, Renee. I’m no expert in these matters. All I can say is, if you are a Catholic, you believe that the Church has spoken through the authority and aid of the Holy Spirit.

If both you and the Church are in disagreement, at least one of you must be in error. As a Catholic, you are obliged to believe the Church is not in error. That leaves, unfortunately, you.

It is not always easy to accept that the way we have thought about life is in error. But,
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil.” and “There is a way that seems good to a man, but its end is the way of death.” and “In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes.”

You obviously have proven a desire to please God; you’ve come here asking for help instead of relying on your own rationalizations like many others would. You’ve even prayed.
I will also pray for you! Don’t give up faith in the face of adversity!

 

[GRATEFULONEjim]

Well, my boyfriend and I started off when we were both in hard times. Almost two years ago we started having sex. We are planning to marry in the future. (1-2 yrs) When we are intimate, we are doing it solely to please the other. My first question is, if we are planning to marry and our reasoning for the action is as stated above, how is it selfish?
Also, we’ve tried to ask for forgiveness and there are two problems. One, we aren’t wholeheartedly sorry for it. We’ve actually prayed for us to feel guilty about it so we won’t continue. If we weren’t to marry, I would be truly sorry because of my betrayal to my future husband. Two, we have tried to stop many times but get extremely discouraged when we mess up. Any advice?

Are you prepared to raise the children from your procreative encounters or are you contracepting and going against another teaching of the Church? Saying you’re Catholic and actually living the faith as a Catholic to achieve salvation are two different things. You are only fooling yourself and endangering your partner if you are not living your faith…Is it worth it?

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Well, my boyfriend and I started off when we were both in hard times. Almost two years ago we started having sex. We are planning to marry in the future. (1-2 yrs) When we are intimate, we are doing it solely to please the other. My first question is, if we are planning to marry and our reasoning for the action is as stated above, how is it selfish?

I’m glad you have a sense that your failure to be sorry might indicate that something is wrong. I highly encourage you to read any material by Janet Smith or Christopher West, who explain in detail how a situation like yours is not helping you live a full and rewarding life, down the road.

It’s also possible that you might try to be brutally honest with yourself, and ask why you are not already married right now. Is it because the two of you both think it is the best thing, or is it because one of you is afraid?

Check out: shop.mycatholicfaith.org/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=9_2&products_id=27

 

[KrazyKat]

The short answer is that you are rejecting God’s love by disobeying him. God says you must not have sex before marriage. You want God to bend to your will because you do not want to obey his will.

This

 

[1ke]

My first question is, if we are planning to marry and our reasoning for the action is as stated above, how is it selfish?

You are asking the wrong question.

It is not a matter of how you feel or don’t feel, it is a matter of what God commands. God has given us his plan for sexuality and marriage. When we go againt God and sin, we offend God greatly.

Also, we’ve tried to ask for forgiveness and there are two problems. One, we aren’t wholeheartedly sorry for it. We’ve actually prayed for us to feel guilty about it so we won’t continue.

Feelings of guilt are not reliable indicators of the morality of an act. Abortion doctors don’t feel one bit of guilt killing babies. Yet we know this is a grave evil.

What is a reliable indicator of whether or not we are living a life of holiness and one that is pleasing to God is whether or not we keep his commandmnets, have sorrow for offending him, and make a firm ammendment not to sin again when we fall.

Any advice?

Think about whether or not you want to please God or yourself more. If the answer is God, then ask forgiveness for your sins and then “go and sin no more”.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

St. Paul: Better to marry than to burn.

 

[sealoch]

When throwing your request for advice into the winds of forums what are you really looking to receive. I have read your question twice and judging by your tag line of Not Sorry you don’t intend to change your actions. If you really want to stop first move out, because I must assume you are living together the temptation is much less when you live with your father/mother/grandparent. Their added judgment on top of God’s may slow your reckless abandon for pleasure.

 

[on_the_hill]

Yeah, I kind of have to say that if you’re looking for permission, you’re not going to find it. That’s the bottom line, no matter how you rationalize it.

 

[Memaw]

Well, my boyfriend and I started off when we were both in hard times. Almost two years ago we started having sex. We are planning to marry in the future. (1-2 yrs) When we are intimate, we are doing it solely to please the other. My first question is, if we are planning to marry and our reasoning for the action is as stated above, how is it selfish?
Also, we’ve tried to ask for forgiveness and there are two problems. One, we aren’t wholeheartedly sorry for it. We’ve actually prayed for us to feel guilty about it so we won’t continue. If we weren’t to marry, I would be truly sorry because of my betrayal to my future husband. Two, we have tried to stop many times but get extremely discouraged when we mess up. Any advice?

Ask yourself what would happen if either of you were to die before you decide to obey God’s Will. All the “pleasure” you think your having now won’t help if your suffering from the sins of it. I know more people who have died suddenly than I do those who didn’t. We can’t always count on getting our life right with God before we die. Right now your betraying yourself and also your boyfriend for sinning with him. We’re supposed to help each other get to Heaven, not Hell!. God Bless, Memaw

 

[JRKH]

Ask yourself what would happen if either of you were to die before you decide to obey God’s Will. All the “pleasure” you think your having now won’t help if your suffering from the sins of it. I know more people who have died suddenly than I do those who didn’t. We can’t always count on getting our life right with God before we die. Right now your betraying yourself and also your boyfriend for sinning with him. We’re supposed to help each other get to Heaven, not Hell!. God Bless, Memaw

And in asking these questions - one will come to a greater understanding of what “love” really means.

Peace
James

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I think a lot of posters are missing the OP’s point. She wants to know why premarital sex is wrong. Simply *asserting *that premarital sex is wrong and deserving of hell does not answer her question.

If we simply assert that it’s wrong, without saying why, then we make out God’s commands to be arbitrary. And if God’s commands are arbitrary, it seems silly to follow them.

The truth is that God’s command is not arbitrary, and premarital sex is naturally – not just supernaturally – damaging. Once again, Janet Smith and others have published tons of material on why, and I highly recommend this. The short answer is this: in having sex before marriage, you make yourself profoundly vulnerable to a person who has not promised you anything. As Paul Simon says, “You take two bodies, and you twirl them into one. They’re hearts and they’re bones, and they won’t come undone.” Why would you want to be one body with a man who is not willing to promise not to tear that body apart?

 

[Memaw]

Renee knows exactly what she is doing and she also knows its wrong but just wants to find a way to justify their actions. She is playing with fire and I mean that literally. God Bless, Memaw

 

[renee120776]

The truth is that God’s command is not arbitrary, and premarital sex is naturally – not just supernaturally – damaging. Once again, Janet Smith and others have published tons of material on why, and I highly recommend this. The short answer is this: in having sex before marriage, you make yourself profoundly vulnerable to a person who has not promised you anything. As Paul Simon says, “You take two bodies, and you twirl them into one. They’re hearts and they’re bones, and they won’t come undone.” Why would you want to be one body with a man who is not willing to promise not to tear that body apart?

Thank you for trying to understand what I’m trying to express. You were very helpful and I will take you up on the reading material. To others, I’m sincerely trying to stop the act even if I don’t fully understand why it’s wrong. I do believe the books I’ve found on the links will help us greatly.
Thank you.

 

[SighGuy]

Good luck Renee! It’s so great that you came here for help-- always turn to fellow Christians when you are in need of encouragement in the face of temptation… even (or especially) when that temptation seems ostensibly like it’s not harmful. We all need help from one another to do what is right in God’s eyes!

And please try to recognize, forumites, when someone is “calling for help” versus “assaulting the Church”. She wouldn’t have came here if the Holy Spirit wasn’t nudging her about her relationship. There’s more than meets the eyes, especially when communicated over keyboard!