Not Sorry

[Prodigal_Son]

Thank you for trying to understand what I’m trying to express. You were very helpful and I will take you up on the reading material. To others, I’m sincerely trying to stop the act even if I don’t fully understand why it’s wrong. I do believe the books I’ve found on the links will help us greatly.

You’re very welcome. And thank you for being receptive!

I myself have spent far too much of my life engaging in actions that I knew to be sinful. But even though at first I felt these things to be sinful, as I kept sinning, I lost that feeling. (This is like walking into a smelly room and adjusting to the smell). I needed help and explanation to see why something I so earnestly desired, and something that felt so good, could be wrong.

There’s a reason it feels so good. It’s because God made man and woman to please each other! That is a beautiful thing, and the beauty does not utterly disappear when we have sex outside of marriage. But the body has a language. In the moment of ecstasy, my body tells the woman I am making love to that I want to possess her forever, and be possessed by her forever. If I don’t intend any such thing, then my body is saying something my mouth denies.

And if I do profess to a woman that I am hers forever, then why not marry her? This waiting game isn’t honorable.

(Oh, and here’s another thing. Going long periods of time sexually desiring someone but exercising restraint *increases *intimacy, I haven’t heard many people talk about this, but I certainly experienced it when I was courting my wife.)

 

[Prodigal_Son]

And please try to recognize, forumites, when someone is “calling for help” versus “assaulting the Church”. She wouldn’t have came here if the Holy Spirit wasn’t nudging her about her relationship. There’s more than meets the eyes, especially when communicated over keyboard!

 

[GRATEFULONEjim]

renee120776:
The truth is that God’s command is not arbitrary, and premarital sex is naturally – not just supernaturally – damaging. Once again, Janet Smith and others have published tons of material on why, and I highly recommend this. The short answer is this: in having sex before marriage, you make yourself profoundly vulnerable to a person who has not promised you anything. As Paul Simon says, “You take two bodies, and you twirl them into one. They’re hearts and they’re bones, and they won’t come undone.” Why would you want to be one body with a man who is not willing to promise not to tear that body apart?

Thank you for trying to understand what I’m trying to express. You were very helpful and I will take you up on the reading material. To others, I’m sincerely trying to stop the act even if I don’t fully understand why it’s wrong. I do believe the books I’ve found on the links will help us greatly.
Thank you.
I read that you were just confirmed. How after 8-11 years of Religious Education or the completion of RCIA are you unaware of what the Church teaches on this matter and why? I am not trying to be uncharitable or come off as being unpleasant. This is an excellent example of the failing catechesis with the Catholic Church.

 

[renee120776]

The truth is that God’s command is not arbitrary, and premarital sex is naturally – not just supernaturally – damaging. Once again, Janet Smith and others have published tons of material on why, and I highly recommend this. The short answer is this: in having sex before marriage, you make yourself profoundly vulnerable to a person who has not promised you anything. As Paul Simon says, “You take two bodies, and you twirl them into one. They’re hearts and they’re bones, and they won’t come undone.” Why would you want to be one body with a man who is not willing to promise not to tear that body apart?

Thank you for trying to understand what I’m trying to express. You were very helpful and I will take you up on the reading material. To others, I’m sincerely trying to stop the act even if I don’t fully understand why it’s wrong. I do believe the books I’ve found on the links will help us greatly.
Thank you.
I read that you were just confirmed. How after 8-11 years of Religious Education or the completion of RCIA are you unaware of what the Church teaches on this matter and why? I am not trying to be uncharitable or come off as being unpleasant. This is an excellent example of the failing catechesis with the Catholic Church.ld

RCIA takes a total of 9 or so months. Surely you know not everything will be fully understood
In such a short time. Please don’t post unnecessary things. My questions have been answered and I have a guide to the right direction. Negativity is not needed.
Thank you.

 

[jmcrae]

I read that you were just confirmed. How after 8-11 years of Religious Education or the completion of RCIA are you unaware of what the Church teaches on this matter and why? I am not trying to be uncharitable or come off as being unpleasant. This is an excellent example of the failing catechesis with the Catholic Church.

You can try to teach these things in RCIA, but the world is so much louder and more insistent than anything you can do in a two-hour class once a week. You can introduce people to couples who don’t contracept and have lots of happy children, and you can show videos that explain the dangers, but there are so many other important topics to cover as well; you can’t spend the entire year just on human sexuality.

People hear it and they say, “Oh yes, I understand,” and then they continue obstinately in their own way; you cannot awaken someone who is only pretending to be asleep.

 

[quiet52]

You can try to teach these things in RCIA, but the world is so much louder and more insistent than anything you can do in a two-hour class once a week. You can introduce people to couples who don’t contracept and have lots of happy children, and you can show videos that explain the dangers, but there are so many other important topics to cover as well; you can’t spend the entire year just on human sexuality.

People hear it and they say,** “Oh yes, I understand,” and then they continue obstinately in their own way; you cannot awaken someone who is only pretending to be asleep**.

So true.

Jesus spoke about how choosing sin hardens hearts. He, who is the source of Truth, has told us that people who want the truth will choose to come to Him. He continues to beckon to us no matter how obstinate we are about doing our own thing. The OP seems to have responded a tiny way to God’s calling her. Let’s keep praying for her, that she will step fully into His light.

And this is the verdict, that the light came into the world, but people preferred darkness to light, because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come toward the light, so that his works might not be exposed. But whoever lives the truth comes to the light, so that his works may be clearly seen as done in God.
(John 3:19-21)

The wicked, when spared, do not learn justice;
in an upright land they act perversely,
and do not see the majesty of the LORD.
(Isaiah 26:10)

They are rebels against the light:
they do not recognize its ways;
they do not stay in its paths.
(Job 24:13)

 

[JimG]

Of course it’s hard to stop, because sexual intercourse binds two people together. In the case of pre-marital sex, one is making promises with the body that the mind and will and heart are not fully willing to keep. If you were willing to make permanent, binding, lifelong, life-giving commitment to another, you must first make that promise with your mind and your will, and only then ratify that promise bodily.

By reversing the order, you risk heartbreak. Are both of you prepared to care permanently for a child? If not, you should not be having sex. If so, you should be married.

 

[JimG]

Let me explain in a slightly different way.

By engaging in sexual intercourse, you are saying with your body, “I will love and honor you forever.” But you have not been willing to stand up in front of God and neighbors and make that promise public and binding. Consequently, it is really a bodily lie, because the promise of permanence, fidelity, and openness to life is withheld. Your body says one thing, but your mind does not concur.

 

[PaleoConCatlick]

Why marry in 1 - 2 years? Marry now. Then you’re free to have sex.

Reality is you don’t know whether or not you will marry. Life happens, plans change.

lol

 

[underacloud]

Well, my boyfriend and I started off when we were both in hard times. Almost two years ago we started having sex. We are planning to marry in the future. (1-2 yrs) When we are intimate, we are doing it solely to please the other. My first question is, if we are planning to marry and our reasoning for the action is as stated above, how is it selfish?
Also, we’ve tried to ask for forgiveness and there are two problems. One, we aren’t wholeheartedly sorry for it. We’ve actually prayed for us to feel guilty about it so we won’t continue. If we weren’t to marry, I would be truly sorry because of my betrayal to my future husband. Two, we have tried to stop many times but get extremely discouraged when we mess up. Any advice?

I think a lot of posters are missing the OP’s point. She wants to know why premarital sex is wrong. Simply *asserting *that premarital sex is wrong and deserving of hell does not answer her question.

Thank you for trying to understand what I’m trying to express. You were very helpful and I will take you up on the reading material. To others, I’m sincerely trying to stop the act even if I don’t fully understand why it’s wrong. I do believe the books I’ve found on the links will help us greatly.
Thank you.

Sex is intended for married couples. It binds them together and allows the best environment for children.

The reason you shouldn’t have sex is that you shouldn’t be binding yourself to someone who is not your spouse in this way, and you aren’t in an ideal situation to raise any children that may come of it. You intend to get married, but that’s not even close to the same thing. I can speak from experience because I was engaged and it ended, several years before I met my now wife. I thought that first fiance was the woman I was meant to marry and that whatever happened between us was fine on that basis (I won’t go into details). I was wrong.

You say yourself “If we weren’t to marry, I would be truly sorry because of my betrayal to my future husband”. Well, that’s very true. And that’s what both of you should consider. Until you are married, this possibility remains, that you are each depriving your future spouse what is their right.

If you are so certain that the two of you will marry, good for you, now get on with it!

 

[hsmomforlife]

If both you and the Church are in disagreement, at least one of you must be in error. As a Catholic, you are obliged to believe the Church is not in error. That leaves, unfortunately, you.

Sorry for derailing, but this is worthy of including in a ‘tagline’ !
I might even have this put on a sign for my kitchen!

 

[holyrood]

The truth is that God’s command is not arbitrary, and premarital sex is naturally – not just supernaturally – damaging. Once again, Janet Smith and others have published tons of material on why, and I highly recommend this. The short answer is this: in having sex before marriage, you make yourself profoundly vulnerable to a person who has not promised you anything

Wonderful answer, Prodigal Son.

Best of luck, Renee. You are to be commended for trying to understand what is so against all that our culture tells us, and for trying to stop.

 

[holyrood]

I read that you were just confirmed. How after 8-11 years of Religious Education or the completion of RCIA are you unaware of what the Church teaches on this matter and why? I am not trying to be uncharitable or come off as being unpleasant. This is an excellent example of the failing catechesis with the Catholic Church.

Sorry to say, I spent 13 years in catechism and 6 years in Catholic school, and what I remember of it is “God loves you” and watching The Day After about nuclear holocaust. *Your last line sums it up.

Clearly she was aware of what the church taught, but I think it’s a real struggle in this day and age, when the entire culture is saying something else.*

 

[joshvanrad]

I was there once. Engaging in acts and feeling conflicted about not feeling sorry about it. Now, I see that may have been the greatest sign from God of all.

That relationship did not last. I have no doubts as to why.

Joshua C.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Well, my boyfriend and I started off when we were both in hard times. Almost two years ago we started having sex. We are planning to marry in the future. (1-2 yrs) When we are intimate, we are doing it solely to please the other. My first question is, if we are planning to marry and our reasoning for the action is as stated above, how is it selfish?
Also, we’ve tried to ask for forgiveness and there are two problems. One, we aren’t wholeheartedly sorry for it. We’ve actually prayed for us to feel guilty about it so we won’t continue. If we weren’t to marry, I would be truly sorry because of my betrayal to my future husband. Two, we have tried to stop many times but get extremely discouraged when we mess up. Any advice?

A book that may help you is one called “If You Really Loved Me” by Jason Evert.

 

[GRATEFULONEjim]

Sorry to say, I spent 13 years in catechism and 6 years in Catholic school, and what I remember of it is “God loves you” and watching The Day After about nuclear holocaust. *Your last line sums it up.

Clearly she was aware of what the church taught, but I think it’s a real struggle in this day and age, when the entire culture is saying something else.*

As Catholics, we are called and taught to trust in God…Not man. If you are to believe that just because everyone else is doing it, it is OK, you are just another lost soul in the eyes of God. Catholics need to keep learning their faith after Confirmation. Being Catholic is a way of life, not a label. A Call Out to ALL CATHOLICS…LEARN AND LIVE YOUR FAITH EVERYDAY. If you do this, you will have nothing to worry about.