Not sure where else to turn

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AliasMandatory

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I’m not really sure why I’m posting this, other than to just vent somewhere.

I’m a 32-year-old male in the U.S., never married and no kids. On the surface my life looks good - gainfully employed, living on my own, set to pay off a large debt next month - but I feel like I’m rotting on the inside - no girlfriend; no friends; virtually no activities outside of work, Mass on weekends/Holy Days/occasionally during the week, and visiting my parents; the occasional hobby for which I can muster enough focus and willpower, which are becoming fewer and farther between.

I’ve become a very bitter, angry and cynical person. I don’t trust people at all, and I find myself simultaneously wanting to be accepted by people and wanting to be left alone. Example - just tonight I was at a nearby church I go to for Adoration (not my parish) and I was sitting on a bench outside of the nave but facing it, looking through the doors at the altar. Some people walked by and bowed/genuflected and then proceeded to walk past me. I think I was daydreaming a bit and one of the people thought I was looking at them when I actually wasn’t, because he said hello to me, extended his hand without warning and said “God Bless”. Not wanting to be impolite, I shook his hand and said “Thank you”, but on the inside I was thinking “Why did you say hello to me? Why are you shaking my hand? We don’t know each other. Leave me alone.” I found myself feeling resentment toward someone who was nothing but nice to me.

I’ve been assigned to a work project where one of the end users is a very presumptuous executive who has no respect for personal boundaries - they will interrupt whatever you’re doing at your desk to have a conversation about whatever they want you to do for them, to the point where you want to hide so you can get some actual work done. Nothing ever seems to be good enough for this person, and the requirements always seem to be changing, making me feel like I’m playing a perpetual game of Whac-A-Mole. As a result I’ve developed anger towards this person, perhaps even hatred, and I do everything in my power to avoid them and/or otherwise keep conversations to an absolute minimum.

Last year I had a bad health scare for over 6 months that gave me a panic attack and has left me with health anxiety, that has since also manifested itself as come-and-go religious scrupulosity. CAF has been both the best and worst thing for my scrupulosity. It still interferes with my psyche and sometimes makes it hard to be productive while maintaining a composed demeanor. I try to work from home as often as possible as a result.

Sometimes I think about becoming a priest; I like the idea of writing and delivering homilies. But theology both greatly interests me and terrifies me, thanks to my newfound scrupulosity…and I also have wanted to get married for a long time. Then I think about getting married and quickly decide I’d never find anyone I could trust. That leaves me with joining a religious community, which would probably exasperate me as an introvert…all of which makes me feel like a man without a vocation.

At this point I’m not sure what to do. I feel completely lost.
 
Hope you don’t take this the wrong way but this is one of the best posts I have read on here lately. I mean it is very well written. Are you a writer? I think you are or should be as you are able to express yourself and use the language well. I mean it seems that I know what’s going on you paint the picture well. Just something to think about. If you’re called to be a priest or to marriage I don’t know. I hope you find something where you can help people with your writing skills. Also when you pray tell Jesus and your patron exactly what you are thinking asking for guidance I pray for you the peace and patience you need to discern.
 
You must be good at something and seems like you need to unlock that treasure hidden within you. If you are an introvert, then that means you are part of the one third of us who are also introverts. Have you read the book “quiet”? Introverts are of immense value to our society and they’re responsible for the most significant advances in civilisation. It is up to you to discover that treasure within you, and I’m sure you can do it.
 
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I was thinking the same thing. Very good writing skills in expressing what his situation is.
 
You might consider a consecrated life that isn’t necessarily in community but in the world, like an Opus Dei associate or something. Sounds like you could use a good spiritual director; usually it’s good if that spiritual director is your confessor, but some religious brothers or sisters can also make excellent spiritual directors. They could suggest if you may need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist about the bitterness, anger, cynicism and distrust.

Friendship is an important part of life and not having any friends is going to have some kind of deleterious effect on your well-being, but of course that requires a genuine interest in other people, appreciation, trust and something meaningful in common.

I think the introvert/extrovert thing is overplayed. We’re all ambiverts to one degree or another and whether we are introspective or outgoing at any particular time depends on a lot of different things.
 
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OK, these words which you wrote stand out to me: bitter, angry, cynical, untrusting, resentment, hatred, anxiety, scrupulosity, terrifying, exasperating, lost. Get the picture? You may need to speak with a mental health professional such as a clinical psychologist. Get your feelings out to someone on a personal level, rather than to a group of strangers. It’s all right to feel the way you do in the company of a therapist or counselor. You might wish to consider following up on this.

I am curious, as a therapist would be, when these thoughts and feelings started?
 
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  1. Consider Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to correct or eliminate scrupulosity/OCD/anxiety. You will never be at peace until yo work against it.
  2. Have you considered psychotherapy to deal with potential past problems that you are currently carrying?
  3. If you are a reader, read up on the great Saints. Not to depress you, but to inspire.
  4. Talk to Father about your crisis of faith and the possible spiritual attack you are under.
  5. Consider attending a Life in the Spirit seminar and forcing (or willing) yourself to become docile to the Holy Spirit. For me, and for many others, it was a faith-changer, a life-changer.
  6. At adoration, beg our Lord for the grace to increase your theological virtue of charity/love.
 
I understand your reflexive response to being intruded upon during a quiet time of prayer and reflection. I often feel the same way and then experience the same disappointment at that response, due to the knowledge that the other party had nothing but good intentions.

That said, I think it’s quite a normal reaction for certain personality types for whom social interaction inevitably has an energy or anxiety price tag attached.

I also understand your very evident and natural frustration at life having yet to clearly take shape in certain areas. To this, all I can recommend is patience, prayer and the offering up of frustration and worry to God - in full knowledge of how insufficient that advice can so often sound.

As to your uncertainty regarding what you want - vocation versus marriage - it seems clear where your real hope lies. I will pray for this, for you.
 
I can relate to the dynamic pushing people away while at the same time being lonely.

It happens to me in times of stress or grief. At that time, I like the idea of people, but I don’t have a lot of excess energy to deal with them.

I’ve learned to “push through” my feeling to reach out to others, and it’s a rewarding thing and worth the effort.

Another thing that helps me is to pray for the people who irritate me, and beg God to pour down His blessings on them. This helps to drain off the negative emotions.
 
You had a major health scare. PTSD or some other anxiety problem could be affecting you. It’s hard to settle after a major health scare. It’s no shame to seek help. I know after my daughter’s second open heart surgery I looked like I was functioning on the outside but was a miserable, frazzled mess on the inside. Counseling with a priest and medical professional can help but I’d also be a little patient and a little more loving towards yourself as you’ve been through some stuff.
 
AliasMandatory said:
At this point I’m not sure what to do. I feel completely lost.
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Given all the anxiety and scruples, rage and anger at minor things, despondent outlook, etc. going on, I suggest you talk to a mental health professional.

As for vocation, religious life is not a default if you don’t get married. You may be called to one or the other, or neither. Your current mental state doesn’t seem to point towards either. But you can receive assistance to work through your issues and then things may become more clear, vocationally speaking.
 
Two very important virtues come to mind after reading your very well written post: Humility and Forgiveness.

God loves you and God bless.
 
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My impression from all this is you’re under stress due to a health scare, your job being annoying, and not having the social life you’d like and not being sure how to get there. I doubt that the priesthood or religious life is the answer to this. You’d have to have both a call to that, which seems to be lacking, and the ability to trust others and control your anger and frustration when someone bugged you or didn’t live up to expectations, which also seems to be lacking. Plus you have stated several times you want to marry. A religious vocation isn’t what people do when they can’t find someone to marry, it’s what they do when they have a vocation “call” and really want that kind of life. I’m pretty sure a vocations director sees candidates such as yourself from time to time and doesn’t accept them.

I agree you need some behavior and thought modification in order to move forward. I have a friend with similar issues to you, and he has addressed them over the years by changing jobs several times in his field to find situations that work for him, cultivating a group of online friends that provide him occasional social opportunities and dates, and getting involved in a couple of hobbies such as a competitive gaming group that gets him out of the house every week or two so he’s doing something besides work and crashing at home. He might not end up married, but he has friends of long standing to talk to and eat dinner with.

If this is not something you think you can manage on your own or with a self-help book, I’d suggest you see a mental health counselor who specializes in behavior modification so you can learn to replace your current unproductive patterns with something better.
 
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AliasMandatory said:
I’m not really sure why I’m posting this, other than to just vent somewhere.

[snip for space]

I’ve become a very bitter, angry and cynical person. I don’t trust people at all, and I find myself simultaneously wanting to be accepted by people and wanting to be left alone. Example - just tonight I was at a nearby church I go to for Adoration (not my parish) and I was sitting on a bench outside of the nave but facing it, looking through the doors at the altar. Some people walked by and bowed/genuflected and then proceeded to walk past me. I think I was daydreaming a bit and one of the people thought I was looking at them when I actually wasn’t, because he said hello to me, extended his hand without warning and said “God Bless”. Not wanting to be impolite, I shook his hand and said “Thank you”, but on the inside I was thinking “Why did you say hello to me? Why are you shaking my hand? We don’t know each other. Leave me alone.” I found myself feeling resentment toward someone who was nothing but nice to me.

I’ve been assigned to a work project where one of the end users is a very presumptuous executive who has no respect for personal boundaries - they will interrupt whatever you’re doing at your desk to have a conversation about whatever they want you to do for them, to the point where you want to hide so you can get some actual work done. Nothing ever seems to be good enough for this person, and the requirements always seem to be changing, making me feel like I’m playing a perpetual game of Whac-A-Mole. As a result I’ve developed anger towards this person, perhaps even hatred, and I do everything in my power to avoid them and/or otherwise keep conversations to an absolute minimum.

Last year I had a bad health scare for over 6 months that gave me a panic attack and has left me with health anxiety, that has since also manifested itself as come-and-go religious scrupulosity. CAF has been both the best and worst thing for my scrupulosity. It still interferes with my psyche and sometimes makes it hard to be productive while maintaining a composed demeanor. I try to work from home as often as possible as a result.

Sometimes I think about becoming a priest; I like the idea of writing and delivering homilies. But theology both greatly interests me and terrifies me, thanks to my newfound scrupulosity.…and I also have wanted to get married for a long time. Then I think about getting married and quickly decide I’d never find anyone I could trust. That leaves me with joining a religious community, which would probably exasperate me as an introvert…all of which makes me feel like a man without a vocation.

At this point I’m not sure what to do. I feel completely lost.
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Would you say scrupulosity is the key issue? Ask around. See if there is a priest locally who has experience dealing with this issue . Or maybe a priest can recommend help for you
 
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AliasMandatory said:
. As a result I’ve developed anger towards this person, perhaps even hatred, and I do everything in my power to avoid them and/or otherwise keep conversations to an absolute minimum.
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Have you talked to your priest about this?

Hatred eats us up from the inside. Resentment poisons us, and you are seeing the manifestation of that poison. When I get this way with a person, I know I must pray for them, I must love them, I must do good for them, I pray the Our Father with “Forgive me my trespasses as I forgive Sally Jones”.

Christ calls very few people to be the hermit in the desert, the vast majority of us are called to live in Communion with our fellow Christians.

Open yourself to Christ, seek healing from hatred and anger in the Sacraments.
 
Well, I can’t say I expected responses complimenting my writing skills…but thank you all the same. I only write software, not prose or poetry. Even if I had the energy, I wouldn’t know what to write about and I’d probably just be rehashing whatever someone else before me has said.
 
I might be missing the intent of your message, but finding something I’m good at is frankly one of the very few things I’m not struggling with. Perhaps you meant that in reference to my vocation, in which case that would make more sense.

Yes, I have read that book. It’s around my house somewhere, I read it a long time ago and forgot about it until you brought it up. It’s interesting that you bring this up because I think I may have the opposite problem - my self-value has almost always been directly correlated to my quantity/quality of work output. I daresay this is one of the negative side effects of “Protestant work ethic”, combined with not having much in my life other than work.
 
As I expected, you and several others have suggested that I see a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist for these issues. I appreciate the sentiment, but I would trust these people even less than the average Joe. Aside from my general distrust of people, I would be highly suspect of the motives of any mental health professional, knowing that the overwhelming majority are hostile to religion and/or specifically Catholicism. And before anyone suggests “find a Catholic therapist”, I would immediately end any relationship with a Catholic therapist at the very first sign of any deviancy from Church teachings.

That basically leaves me with a spiritual director as my only option, but I know spiritual direction doesn’t explicitly deal with these types of issues. I’ve considered this before, but it would require me to expose my identity to someone who is not clergy (e.g. diocese administrative staff), which I won’t do.

I’ve dealt with feelings of anger and ill will towards others most of my life. Naturally, it changes based on whatever situation I find myself in. The lack of trust started to set in a few years ago, beginning with the self-imposed explusion from my group of friends.
 
Are there any saints in particular who struggled with anger? I think my biggest issue right now is a disordered sense of justice that gets easily warped into anger/hatred.
 
Perhaps it seems clear to you, but it doesn’t to me. Maybe I’m misreading your message. Would you care to elaborate?
 
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