Not sure where else to turn

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I think you need to find someone who’s both a priest and a psychologist (and a saint). They’re hard to find but they’re out there
 
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Have you spoken to your priest about this? just wondering. I know this may sound a little crazy but the only one who can heal you is God. You probably think yes you know that and all that, but often our anger comes from holding on to something, like a lack of forgiveness or something else, that’s just what it has been for me. I have learnt a lot about myself through reading spiritual books and then applying them to myself through prayer and surrendering to God, who is healing me. A priest may help with spiritual advice and some sacramentals in the case of temptations.
May I suggest you put that great writing talent to use for yourself and keep a prayer journal. I did that (keep a prayer journal) and it had the unusual effect of teaching me about myself and what God was doing for me (and I am nowhere near as good at expressing myself as you are). It may be that you can write that anger out in there and see what it’s all about with God’s help.
Also you can give God your burdens you know when they are too much for you, so give him your anger and ask him to take it away. Sure you are in a place where you will probably take it back just as often as you give it, but keep on giving it to him, he is endlessly patient. God bless you.
 
I’ll say a prayer for you. Do you live in a bigger city that has Catholic social events? That may be an option. Adoration does help with loneliness as well
 
Saint Jerome - the master of scripture. He carried a rock with which he struck himself to mortify his flesh due to his short temper.
 
Just to clear up any possible misconception - I’m not looking to vocations other than marriage due to not yet being married. I see true pros and cons to the priesthood and religious life for me, and I also agree with you that I’m not in a state right now to be making any decisions. I was merely remarking on the frustration resulting from my overall inability to determine any vocation, marriage or otherwise.

Friends would be great. The last time I asserted my opinions on a sensitive topic, I was subsequently ostracized to the point of no longer knowing who I could trust, so I bowed out. I’d rather not repeat that situation again, which prevents me from developing anything beyond acquaintances now.
 
It is an issue, but I would say the issue is two-fold - anger and distrust. The scrupulosity, in my opinion, is a side thing that affects my ability to address these other issues because I often find myself stuck in the rut of “is this a sin?” and spinning my wheels as a result.
 
Therein lies the problem. 🙂 There’s a reason I used a separate email address just for CAF.
 
Lack of forgiveness is definitely a component here. As I mentioned in another reply, I think my desire for justice is disordered. I hold grudges easily.

I’ve kept journals in the past, but never a prayer journal. I’ll look into that, perhaps it will help.
 
I live in a suburban/metro area. I’ve desired attending these types of events in the past, but I know I would have my guard up constantly and thus probably wouldn’t gain anything beneficial from it. Also, my age is putting me near the cutoff for some of these groups, after which my options for formalized socializing in a church setting drop to zero.
 
This may seem like an odd suggestion, but go visit a nursing home.
There are people who just want to look someone in the eye or hold a hand. And there is no utility involved for you or the patient. You don’t visit a home to “get” or “do”…you go there just to be.

No one is going to fulfill your desires for friendship there.
It;s the most rewarding and healing thing I’ve ever done, and I was an absolute mess spiritually. Many of your struggles resonate.

As @(name removed by moderator) says below, these are not easy things to do. They require some boundary stretching. And that is the cure for the kind of sloth you seem to be describing. Listen to the Lord, and do things that he is calling you to, even if they are going to hurt. You will find they become more routine as you stretch out.
 
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AliasMandatory said:
Just to clear up any possible misconception - I’m not looking to vocations other than marriage due to not yet being married. I see true pros and cons to the priesthood and religious life for me, and I also agree with you that I’m not in a state right now to be making any decisions. I was merely remarking on the frustration resulting from my overall inability to determine any vocation, marriage or otherwise.

Friends would be great. The last time I asserted my opinions on a sensitive topic, I was subsequently ostracized to the point of no longer knowing who I could trust, so I bowed out. I’d rather not repeat that situation again, which prevents me from developing anything beyond acquaintances now.
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Let me just say one more thing.
Christ can make any situation new. That is the power of his love. There is no place you could be where he will not come and get you and make things new, with your cooperation. Trust him.

bible.usccb.org

Psalms, PSALM 103

Daily Bible Readings, Podcast Audio and Videos and Prayers brought to you by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.
bible.usccb.org bible.usccb.org
 
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po18guy said:
Saint Jerome - the master of scripture. He carried a rock with which he struck himself to mortify his flesh due to his short temper.
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“St. Jerome used to hit himself with a rock every time he lost his temper. I’d be dead as a doornail with no ribs if I did that." - Mother Angelica
 
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I have come to the conclusion, in large part from reading the threads here since 2007, that we are fascinated with, focused on, even dominated or imprisoned by the concept of sin.

This does a complete end run around the virtues! What is the difference between the worst sinner and the greatest Saint? Faith, hope and charity, of course, but the Saints had a desire for, a fascination with (if you will), the virtues. Since all of us are sinners - even the greatest Saints - what separates us; what sets us apart; what makes us holy?

The virtues.
“All other sins stem from 1 or more of the deadly sins. By praying for the 7 heavenly virtues we can keep each of the sins from creeping into our lives. Start praying for the virtues daily to help defeat Satan and the vices. Swap out your 7 deadly sins for the 7 heavenly virtues!”
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From the Catholic Company website:
"People have heard of and can recall the seven deadly sins, also known as the capital vices and cardinal sins. But, so often we cannot name the virtues which help us overcome these sins! Rather than focusing on the sins which bog down our spiritual life, turn your eyes to the virtues which can help break the bonds of sin. The Catholic Church has distinctive categories of virtues. The 7 heavenly virtues, also called the Capital virtues, contrary virtues, heavenly virtues, are the virtues which overcome the 7 deadly sins: lust, greed, envy, anger, pride, and sloth.

Chastity overcomes the sin of lust. Everyone could use more chastity in a world that is constantly displaying sexual images. The Catholic Bible tells us that our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit. The virtue of Chastity can help calm our lustful desire for sexual acts and restrain our wandering eyes.

Generosity overcomes the sin of greed. Our lives can be filled with a yearning for material goods. Material objects can block our vision of Christ who told us to give to the poor. This means not only do we give what we have in “excess” but to surrender all of our time, money, and spiritual gifts to those in need.

Temperance overcomes the sin of gluttony. Gluttony wants us to give into our self gratification for eating and drinking, among other things. Temperance is our ability to control ourselves and these desires. We may fall into the trap of self indulgence but during these times we can call upon the virtue of moderation.

Kindness overcomes the sin of envy. Our love for someone should be without bias or spite. God blesses each of us in different ways. Envy will cause a rift in your relationship with God and others. Look upon your life with positivity rather than counting the ways God “hasn’t” blessed you.

Meekness overcomes the sin of anger. Jesus said, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the world”. When He was confronted by angry crowds who wanted to torture and kill him, he prayed for them. How often do we become upset and consumed by trivial matters? Use Christ as your model, control your anger and resentment and cultivate patience through this virtue.

Humility overcomes the sin of pride. God humbles the proud and exalts the humble! Pride is the devil’s sin, and just like him Satan wants us to hold ourselves up as gods. Everything we have is from God, and everything we do is derived from the gifts he has given us. By being modest we can turn outwards and lift up those around us.

Diligence overcomes the sin of sloth. The virtue of diligence aids us in fulfilling our duties and cultivating a strong work ethic. Sloth draws us in to be lazy in all aspects of our life, physical and spiritual. We should develop our talents and gifts rather than keeping them wrapped up in sloth
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And, there is our list of saving virtues. It is an examination of conscience to read them.
 
AliasMandatory said:
It is an issue, but I would say the issue is two-fold - anger and distrust. The scrupulosity, in my opinion, is a side thing that affects my ability to address these other issues because I often find myself stuck in the rut of “is this a sin?” and spinning my wheels as a result.
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Do you know of a priest in your diocese who might have strengths in this area of scrupulosity and therefor can help you?
 
I don’t know if anybody else has said this, but have you thought about quitting you job…with a firm backup plan that is. Perhaps going back to school is a possibility. Perhaps working for a start-up is a possibility.

These corporate jobs aren’t what they are cracked up to be. The have long draining hours, a rigid hierarchy of managers, and no ways to be creative. On top of that corporate jobs aren’t that secure. There are layoffs all the time. Finally, it is very difficult to describe what you do and make it sound interesting or meaningful when you’re dating a woman you might be interested in.

I used to work in a corporate job similar to what you describe, and it was completely soul draining. I literally had every thought that you did when I was in a position similar to you. You do feel resentment towards others, and sometimes you don’t have perspective to think thru things clearly. I remember sometimes people would try to be nice and interact with me, but I didn’t know how to react to it. Once I was out of that job, my resentment slowly went away. “I was so much older then, and I’m younger than that now”. I personally found my way back to graduate school. Life has been better since then.

As for a vocation, perhaps get to a position, like going back to school, where you have more perspective and rethink it. If you just think a vocation will be an escaped from your current situation, it don’t think it will work out that way.

I’ve been where you are. I’ll pray for you!
 
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As to lack of forgiveness and grudges, they become not a cross to bear, but a millstone around your neck which weakens your ability to bear your cross. Your heart becomes hardened and it is you who suffer - not those against whom you hold the grudges.

The solution is, with God’s grace, to let go. More easily said than done. A personal anecdote: I’ve had a bunch of cancer. At my first relapse, when my prognosis dropped to extremely poor, i made the conscious decision to abandon any and all claim which i thought I had on my life.

I accepted that God was in control of my life and that He had the right to call my life back to Him. When all human effort seemed fruitless, I simply relaxed spiritually and let go. I found that, rather than being a terrifying experience, it was freeing, liberating, peaceful.

The Lord showed me that He was waiting for me to trust Him. And, when I did, He handed my life back to me. After two additional cancers, He has sustained me when medical science held no solutions.

I believe that, when you come to the point of letting go, your life will turn around and again, with God’s grace, will become what it was intended to be. A peaceful, loving spirit who is grateful for each day and sees life in a new light.
 
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