Not What I Expected

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vowsareforever

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Hello, everyone! I actually have been here before but using a different username. I have this one for security purposes (I don’t want some people with whom I live to stumble upon this and figure out who I am). I have a huge problem and I know there is no answer other than a Catholic one.

Before we got married, my husband and I had expectations of what our life together would be like. We attended Mass and things were wonderful, full of promise. Before I go any further, I want to reiterate that I really do love my husband. There is a reason I married him and he married me. We love each other. The problem began with the wedding night. It was not the kind of experience I envisioned. He seemed so disinterested with sex from the minute we got married. When we dated, I had to fend him off all the time, not from sex but from everything but. The entire time we’ve been married (almost 2 years), he’s barely initiated and has rejected me more than he has accepted. It’s gotten to the point where I barely care anymore but we can go a very long time without doing it and he doesn’t seem to be bothered. It still hurts. I don’t feel sexy AT ALL. I keep having dreams where I’m pursued by other men and I feel that rush again.

Second issue: we stopped attending Mass. We agree to go every week but never do. He is less motivated than I am. It seems that if I want to go, I will have to go it alone. Fine but I’m worried about our salvation.

Third issue: he is a person that acts like it’s his way or the highway. He has a temper, name-calls in arguments and is disrespectful in general. In the heat of the moment, he threatens divorce but never really means it. It’s still devastating to hear. I wonder what would happen if he woke up the next morning and I was gone. I don’t know if I should do this one day to give him a wake-up call or if it’s too cruel in the eyes of the Church.

Fourth issue: we have a child together and I feel that he barely helps out with what needs to be done. If the urge hits him, he will do some chores but usually, if I don’t ask, I do most of it alone. If he’s home or not, it’s the same thing to me. That’s the worst part. If I didn’t have my child, I would be so much more alone.

I know I’ve made him sound horrible. He has so many faults but he’s usually very kind and cuddly with me. The cons, however, are starting to outweigh the pros and that’s why I’m here. When I said I would spend the rest of my life with him, I meant it. I just don’t want us to be miserable. I’m starting to be. Any advice, comments, prayers? Please, help.
 
I give this advice as a 29 year old bachelor, so take it with a grain of salt.

First Issue-If he’s not interested in sex, it could be a medical problem. Has he gotten anything testest? Testostorone levels? Is he taking medicine for depression? IF AFTER you go to the doctors, do all the checks, and realize that he has nothing wrong, then, he might be homosexual or having an affair. I am NOT accusing him of either (and you shouldn’t either) but a young man not wanting sex is a serious problem.

2nd Issue-Go by yourself, pray, and let him worry about his salvation. You can’t force him to go, nor should you

Third issue-Demend that he not mention the “d” word again, even in an argument. That word hurts more than anything. Get rules about “fighting fair” they’re availible over the net, and from a counselor. If, after reading these rules, he continues to behave in that way, tell him you will not stand for it, because it is a form of abuse.

THe Fourth issue-Lay out a list of chores that he has to do. Unplug the TV, take away the PS3 or Xbox, and treat him like a baby until he decides to act like an adult.

and Finally, consider getting a marital therapist
 
I would talk to your priest about all of this, and then I would recommend individual counseling for yourself. Do not accept this type of behavior. It sounds like your self-esteem is shot from the rejection, name calling, and lack of respect. You do not want your child to grow up thinking that this is an acceptable way to treat you, because it certainly isn’t.

How did his parents treat each other? What is your husband’s opinion of his mother?
 
How old are both of you? Sometimes it takes men a little longer to grow up.
I would definitely make it a priority to go to Mass at least by myself and take my child (if possible) and make sure to invite him along, but without making him feel guilty.
Also, the problem of low libidos is pretty common among men. If he’s gone through testing to make sure his hormonal levels are right, I’d ask him what the deal is in the bedroom, using loving language and good communication skills.
 
Ummm…

This all sounds very familiar. You love him. Right now. That could change too. You may someday realize you didn’t love him. You loved the image he projected before you got married.

You all who know me… You know what I’m going to say. So I won’t say it. I begin to sound like a broken record.

But he sounds like all the others. Once they’re married… they change… eventually the cons pile up in huge proportions to the pros.

Get counselling. For yourself. Try and see if he’ll go to counseling with you. In case the verbal abuse transitions to physical abuse, I hope you’ve protected some of your own credit or have a credit card in your name. Hope for the best and pray for it and work for it, but prepare for the worst. You start going back to church, with the baby. You need God’s help to last this out if you can.

Sounds like once he got the wedding, all the stuff he did to get that don’t matter to him.

I suggest you start writing down everything you can remember from the dating and the wedding and your engagement and the baby and the beginning two years. Keep a journal. Sometimes going back and reading things you wrote can clarify things for you. Do not let him see the journal. You may need it someday.

Notice that when he’s all cuddly it’s all on his terms? I would be money on it. No, he’s not nice to you! He’s not kind and cuddly! He yells and calls the mother of his baby names and threatens divorce. That’s a control tactic to keep you in line and make you fearful. He knows it devastates you. That’s why he does it. To see the sad look in your eyes. To make you cry. Gives him power over you.

When was the first time he did that? How many months after the wedding? Put THAT in your journal!

Is this the environment you want your baby to grow up in?

Let me guess… your family “causes all sorts of problems.” Have they been banned from his house yet?
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Ummm…

You all who know me… You know what I’m going to say. So I won’t say it. I begin to sound like a broken record.
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I felt the same way. It’s discouraging to read this over and over again. I get tired having to post the same thing, but to be honest, it’s the main thing that keeps me at CAF. I don’t want any woman to be tricked into thinking that she has to put up with all of that because she made a vow. Same goes for men married to abusers. There is no reason to put up with it.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Ummm…

This all sounds very familiar. You love him. Right now. That could change too. You may someday realize you didn’t love him. You loved the image he projected before you got married.

You all who know me… You know what I’m going to say. So I won’t say it. I begin to sound like a broken record.

But he sounds like all the others. Once they’re married… they change… eventually the cons pile up in huge proportions to the pros.

Get counselling. For yourself. Try and see if he’ll go to counseling with you. In case the verbal abuse transitions to physical abuse, I hope you’ve protected some of your own credit or have a credit card in your name. Hope for the best and pray for it and work for it, but prepare for the worst. You start going back to church, with the baby. You need God’s help to last this out if you can.

Sounds like once he got the wedding, all the stuff he did to get that don’t matter to him.

I suggest you start writing down everything you can remember from the dating and the wedding and your engagement and the baby and the beginning two years. Keep a journal. Sometimes going back and reading things you wrote can clarify things for you. Do not let him see the journal. You may need it someday.

Notice that when he’s all cuddly it’s all on his terms? I would be money on it. No, he’s not nice to you! He’s not kind and cuddly! He yells and calls the mother of his baby names and threatens divorce. That’s a control tactic to keep you in line and make you fearful. He knows it devastates you. That’s why he does it. To see the sad look in your eyes. To make you cry. Gives him power over you.

When was the first time he did that? How many months after the wedding? Put THAT in your journal!

Is this the environment you want your baby to grow up in?

Let me guess… your family “causes all sorts of problems.” Have they been banned from his house yet?
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Good words here, can’t think of anything to add. You weren’t the only one who made a vow. He has to uphold his end too.
 
Wow!

I am overwhelmed at all these great responses. Thank you so much. I will answer your questions and tell you more as soon as I can, which will be when he is not in the house. I’ll be back!
 
I don’t have anything to add, but will keep you in my prayers, vows. :console: I’m sorry you’re going through this, in your marriage.
 
Dulcissima… I know. 😦

It’s why I stay too.

This letter from the OP is classic.

This is what it looks like in the early stages. An incoherent yet concrete feeling that something is very wrong, no matter how hard you try. You start blaming yourself. You still tell everyone how much you love him. But deep inside you wonder what you did that he doesn’t seem to love you back.

You put a valiant spin on it, because you’re not supposed to say mean things about your husband. You’re supposed to build him up. You tell yourself it’s not that bad.

But it’s dawning on you that you thought you’d have a partner in life. Yet you’re constantly alone. Alone in the chores, the child-rearing, the bedroom, the pew. You’re beginning to feel you’re married all by yourself.

He only tells you negative stuff about you. He only wanted you when he couldn’t have you. Now he has you and it’s dawned on you he doesn’t want you anymore. But you gave yourself completely to him. The ultimate rejection.

This is how it looks in the early days.

One day it ends with you in the confessional sobbing to the priest that you just want to die because you can’t take the pain another minute.

Please don’t let it get to that point. A narcissist will do that to you. Just because they can. And they won’t shed a tear over your pain.

My prayers are with you. I hope he goes with you to get counselling. I hope you find a way to turn this around or preserve yourself. 😦

Here is the advice I wish I had in the early years:

DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY. If he makes you make a choice, CHOOSE YOUR FAMILY. Love wouldn’t make you make that choice in the first place.
 
**An incoherent yet concrete feeling that something is very wrong, no matter how hard you try. You start blaming yourself. You still tell everyone how much you love him. But deep inside you wonder what you did that he doesn’t seem to love you back.
**
**You put a valiant spin on it, because you’re not supposed to say mean things about your husband. You’re supposed to build him up. You tell yourself it’s not that bad.

But it’s dawning on you that you thought you’d have a partner in life. Yet you’re constantly alone. Alone in the chores, the child-rearing, the bedroom, the pew. You’re beginning to feel you’re married all by yourself.

He only tells you negative stuff about you. He only wanted you when he couldn’t have you. Now he has you and it’s dawned on you he doesn’t want you anymore. But you gave yourself completely to him. The ultimate rejection.

This is how it looks in the early days.

One day it ends with you in the confessional sobbing to the priest that you just want to die because you can’t take the pain another minute.**

This is my life, only it’s been going on for 23 years.
 
RachelKH said:
This is my life, only it’s been going on for 23 years.
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That’s the thing, Rachel. Once you understand the pattern of abuse, you see that it is just the same thing being played out in household after household, for generation after generation. It’s like the abusers were all programmed by the same person. Once you understand the whole thing, you can really start predicting all of what else is going on that isn’t being said…or what is going to happen down the line. If you’ve met one guy like this, you’ve met them all. They are so not original. It’s almost disheartening to think about.

But I will say this, if you have survived this attempt to slowly kill your soul and suck the life out of you for 23 years, you are a strong woman. You have what it takes to stop putting up with it.
 
well i have just been busy raising 6 children aged almost 22 to 4yo, so i just had to keep going

now is when i am finally raising my head out of the sand
i feel so hurt by God that he made people, especially men, this way, and us needing so much more and never getting it
 
Rachel, God did not make anybody this way. People who abuse are a product of their environment, AND they are people who made a choice to follow this path rather than face their own problems. In coming to terms with the situation you find yourself in, you also have a choice to make. You can choose to trust God and take all of your needs to him, or you can be angry and distance yourself from him. I think you know which path will lead you to the place you want to be.

I know that this was discussed in another thread, but please do find some support (counseling with a GOOD and supportive counselor, your priest, a support group, a Bible study or prayer group). It’s too much to handle all of this on your own.
 
my good priest moved on, my other priests just duck their heads, say I’m doing fine and to just pray more, my counselor turned out to be another dud, my teen dds want me to divorce him, my parents think he is perfect because he brings home a paycheck what more do I want, my prayer group is all about feeling good not dealing with anything difficult or problematic, my siblings all have their own problems, my dh blames me wanting more on my childhood abuse rather than on anything he does or doesn’t do – I just seem to find no help anywhere I turn

didn’t mean to highjack this thread
backing off now
 
“Fourth issue: we have a child together and I feel that he barely helps out with what needs to be done. If the urge hits him, he will do some chores but usually, if I don’t ask, I do most of it alone. If he’s home or not, it’s the same thing to me. That’s the worst part. If I didn’t have my child, I would be so much more alone.”
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This breaks my heart. First - remember that you are never alone when you walk with Christ. Second - my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are living the ‘single mom’ life without actually being a single mom. Fatherhood is so incredibly special, and honestly, I feel bad for him too if he’s opting out of it on the back end. Stay strong and remember that he doesn’t have to hit you for him to be abusing you. Neglect and verbal attacks are abusive.

Liberanosamalo is right:
DO NOT LET HIM GET YOU AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY. If he makes you make a choice, CHOOSE YOUR FAMILY. Love wouldn’t make you make that choice in the first place.
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Sometimes we cannot choose the things that come at us in life… but we CAN CHOOSE how we react to them and how we use them to sculpt our choices for ourselves and our children.
 
vows…,

Great question, and many great responses and sound advice.

There is something else that has not been mentioned, I’m almost afraid to bring it up, but seeing as I suffer from it myself it can only serve to benefit me as well…is your husband a viewer of porn? Could he have an addiction to it? A sex addiction?

I am 46, married 20 years with two teenage daughters, and have been addicted to porn and (???) for thirty-five years! One of the areas that has seen the greatest affect is our sex-life. My sex-drive is considerably diminished and practically non-existent. The effects of pornography addiction, which has run rough-shod over our society, has been studied to have a dramatic effect on the sex-drives of people who are addicted to it. I’m not saying that your husband suffers with this or has ever looked at this filth, but speaking for myself I know that it has affected my sexual-relations with my wife.

I’m lucky in a sense that my wife has never asked for sex, nor has she asked me what has been going on these past few years since our last sexual experience. But I do know that it could be a lot worse in that maybe she suspects a problem and just hasn’t asked!

Lest anyone think that I am gloating about not being found out, you’re dead wrong, this disease is insidious, and has been ruining me for years and years, it has manifested itself into me so complexly that it is quite difficult to explain. It is also something NOBODY ever wants to discuss. I can only say that it is something that might be worth your efforts to ask about. With such a young marriage and you both being of seemingly young age it couldn’t hurt to nip it in the bud early on. (I wish I did!)

God Bless you both during this difficult time, may He give you both His Peace and Grace!!
 
Sounds like marriage to me.

Seek counseling. You two need to communicate.
 
Rachel, escapeabuse.com/npd.pdf

Do some reading. I’m sorry they don’t teach more about this in seminaries. The priests sometimes don’t understand this. The spiritual solutions to this are not what you’d use with normal people. Because the NPD often kids God off the throne and takes His place in his own head. Often the NPD goes to the priest and pre-empts the wife and makes HER sound like the problem. Often they look to the world as upstanding wonderful people because ironically the wife is the one who props him up and makes him look respectable and upholds his public image even though it’s a sham when the doors are closed.

Find a therapist who is familiar with NPD. Might I suggest al-Anon also. Whether alcohol is involved or not, there are similarities in the personalities and denial and blameshifting involved. At least people there won’t blow sunshine at you.

Once you put a label on something it becomes easier to deal with. Dulcissima said it best. It is not God who made these people they way they were. Their families formed them and they accepted or rejected that image and kept it going and are handing down the problems to the next generation.

With education you can learn to re-set limits, not take his abuse personally. Once you crack the code and see that everything he accuses you of is something he’s doing, every conversation becomes so much more interesting! 😉

If it helps you, pity the man. His self image is so low, the only way he can feel better about him is by destroying everyone around him. Then he’s standing on a pile of carcasses, but he’s still standing higher than SOMETHING! That’s how pathetic it all is. The carcasses are the people who loved and trusted and needed him most.
 
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