Not your average dateless single guy thread

[Jay82]

Sorry, this thread is rather amusing. It’s not so much the “I can’t get a girl” atmosphere since that’s pretty common anyways, it’s just the “I can’t get a white girl” thing going on.

If you feel more attracted to white girls, that’s just your thing, and obviously if you grew up in America you’d naturally be attracted to the majority race you grew up with. It’s not something you should really focus on specifically though.

I live in Australia and there are a lot of Asians here because of the relative closeness of Australia with places like China and the other South East Asian countries, and there are quite a few interracial relationships, so don’t act like it’s some big problem. Neither is the height issue a problem. 5’8" is not exactly tall, but it’s not something to be concerned about either.

Your biggest and ONLY problem is a mental one, and I don’t mean that in a condescending way, it’s your attitude about yourself and dating in general. You seem to have a mindset that you only want white girls, and that in itself is not immoral, it’s just a personal preference - but it’s resulting in some clingy/frustrating behaviour and I think that might be your problem.

Inadvertently your behaviour is probably being read by the other sex, I haven’t dated you so I wouldn’t know - but I’m willing to bet that’s why you’re crashing and burning after the first date, they are probably picking up something quite not right, and that quite not right is your built up frustration relating to relationships. Women can generally pick up subtle signs much better than men because men tend to generally be distracted by appearance and get infatuated quickly. Whether you notice it or not, or realize it, your negative attitudes and frustrations will manifest into something negative in real life.

With that in mind, perhaps you can get yourself out there with a better frame of mind, leaving aside all that “I’m too short, and I’m asian” nonsense as an excuse for not being able to go past the first date. That is only an issue if you make it an issue.

I agree.

In addition, I’ve been to more places in the states than you have, PraizThinkr, and have spent extended periods of time in many of them for work. I have several asian friends who are guys that are married to white women (in their 30s-40s). One of my other male asian friends has been dating only white girls successfully for the past few years, although nothing has lasted. I am good friends with a very attractive white girl who is now dating an asian guy. I have yet to see first hand the stereotype/generalization you are making about white girls not wanting to date asian guys. People do have their preferences, but things aren’t nearly as bad as you are saying.

 

[NewsTheMan]

I’m sorry, but I really object to this statement. The prostitute thing may be true, but the statement that any guy can magically have casual sex with a stranger whenever they want by just going to a bar is wrong.

It is not easy to “get laid” in a bar full of strangers for a lot of people, especially some of the nicest guys–who are often likely to make very caring husbands and fathers. It certainly requires a lot of social skills, including the ability to read body language well, communicate in noisy environments, and approaching complete strangers out of a “safe” environment (such as school or uni) that I have never mastered.

And any guy with any vague semblance of morality–even if they don’t consider fornication wrong–would not be able to use the immoral psychological tricks based on undermining the confidence of vulnerable, lonely women that often seem to peddled in those pick-up “artist” books.

To the OP: I understand how your frustration at finding a girlfriend very well.

In turn, I am sorry but I object to this post Well, rather, I think you have misdiagnosed what is going on.

It is easy to “get laid”. Absolutely. What you are saying though is something different. I think what you are onto is basically, well for people who want to get their sex without overtly underhanded methods getting sex isn’t that easy. Which I would somewhat agree with. Few problems though, in my opinion.

First. Well, to want to get sex in the first place can never be moral. Sexual activity shouldn’t ever be a goal. So for those “moral” people who think they are getting sex in moral ways, I would disagree with that.

Secondly, well lets imagine that there can be a moral way of “getting sex”. You are saying that for these people it isnt that easy, i.e. its harder. But that is, I believe, missing the point of the statement you are refuting. Because if I am actively seeking to go out and have sex morally, I am creating barriers and difficulties for myself. Thus, I am making it harder on myself - which doesn’t actual mean beyond my subjective reality that it is in fact harder to get sex. Thus, for someone who has no moral standards, getting sex is easy.

What I’m overall aiming at is that I agree with the poster who said its easy enough to get laid hanging around in bars. Firstly because most people who hang in bars go there for the purpose of getting laid. Secondly, if thats your intention the chances are you will meet someone with the same intention.

And it applies in the real world. I know people who honestly go out to just get sex. And its not because they are particularly good looking, particularly charming. It’s just the fact that if you throw away morality and ethics, and also to some degree your standards, you will achieve your goal. And that goes for everything in life, I would imagine. And hence here we are in terms of sexual morality. It is just too easy to satisfy your sexual lust. Either through porn, or through sexual encounters. Now, if you are a secular person who thinks well “Im gonna do it morally by dating a chick” I don’t think thats right either. Putting a name, labeling, a sexual fling doesn’t make it any more right. And yet people have this idea that you know, its okay that we are having sex because we are dating! Dating why? So that you can have a supposedly moral excuse for using each other to get laid.

So again, whatever you want to label it, whichever way you go about it, getting laid is easy enough. With the goal of getting laid in mind - its unbelievably easy.

Just my opinion, though, and my life experience thus far.

 

[Joe_5859]

Also a lot of people talk about “surrendering the issue to God.” Does this mean I avoid looking at women? Limit conversation with them? What does this entail?

Not at all. My advice would be simply to make an effort to stop looking at women as potential girlfriends/wives and just focus on forming friendships, at least for a time.

 

[Norseman82]

Not at all. My advice would be simply to make an effort to stop looking at women as potential girlfriends/wives and just focus on forming friendships, at least for a time.

Which leads to that “friend zone” thingy…

 

[Joe_5859]

Which leads to that “friend zone” thingy…

The majority of the married people I know were friends with their spouse first. I was friends with my wife for 4 years before we started dating.

 

[former_Catholic]

Although I am not asian, I grew up in an asian neighborhood.
I understand where you are coming from and have seen everything you are talking about first hand…. but what’s the solution? Wow. That’s a really good question.

But Linda fell in love with Bruce Lee after all, and what a woman….

Lawyers can be scorned by society (if you’re from California, you know that lawyer who was surfing off Bodega and the great white shark apparently spit him out and his friends laughed after he recovered just fine that the shark had treated his colleague with “professional courtesy”)
but there are lawyers who are genuinely nice guys and they are happily married!
Is it just our imagination?…. so frequently they really do seem to be happily married to beautiful blonde women! Perhaps blondes seem inordinately attracted to lawyers, but they don’t seem inordinately attracted to you…. and you are of asian ethnicity… and so you wonder.

A lot of issues vary with the specific ethnic background and the social “tightness” of the specific ethnic community. The Pilipino neighborhood was socially the tightest….and so your best shot at serious consideration was always to be best friends with her brother… and you had better be Pilipino. The same is also true of most other asian neighborhoods to varying degrees. Pilipinos are largely Catholic, and while there are substantial Vietnamese and Chinese Catholic communities…. Catholicism is a relative rarity among asian women.

Sheer numbers wise, the odds are most in your favor of meeting asian (and single white) women in the Buddhist community (if they like you, social introductions will be forthcoming) or in the Non-Catholic Christian community. The many educated and beautiful single white women in the Buddhist community have the very same problem you do when it comes to meeting appropriate men, and it is likewise very sad. Socially you would do well there, except if you are looking for a Catholic…. they likewise are looking for a Buddhist. Are you by chance a vegetarian? If you are largely a vegetarian, Catholic or not, they would definitely give you very serious consideration… and most devout Buddhists are far more “Christian” than most Christians.

But across the board, all women, all states, all countries…… your very best shot at meeting and socializing with appropriate and educated women would be if you learned how to ballroom dance.
5’8” is absolutely ideal for a dance partner…… absolutely….
The waltz is not that hard…. neither is the two step…. the lindy….the tango…. and salsa.
You’ve had some musical training, you’d have no problem hearing the beat…
It’s just step to the side, step to the other side, step back…. You could handle that….
It is great exercise…. and fun!…. and the women do put their arms around you….
and better yet, you get to put your arms around them… and they have to follow you!
From L.A. to Boston you would be “Bond, James Bond…. care to dance?”
I am not kidding.
Asian or white, the women are not going to say no.
And yes, Linda did fall in love with Bruce… and what a woman…

 

[jman507]

The whole Asian stereotype I don’t think will be as important in Kansas though. I just don’t think the communities are big enough there. My guess is most of the women there will just think of you as some other white guy. One of my friends from Korea likes it better here in Nebraska mainly because one isn’t pegged into some type of Asian community, and is more easily forced into speaking English.

I’m sure there are some physical characteristics holding you back from maybe getting your foot in the door, but those are easily overcome. In the end with the relationship you want someone will be attracted to you for who you are not whatever physical characteristics you bring to the table.

As I think has been said before I think the main thing is you need to rethink your attitude. I say focus on building up friendships. This may or may not payoff any time soon, but should be able to get you to relax and then open up doors later. Forget about your time lines. Your time will come when it does. But as was just written you may want to do ballroom dancing or other activities like that women may tend to like. I’d even say get some of your friends to watch Asian dramas over the internet, in that they may become more curious about the general Asian culture. Also I think it would open them up to thinking Asian men as more apt to be romantic.

 

[kingal86]

In turn, I am sorry but I object to this post Well, rather, I think you have misdiagnosed what is going on.

It is easy to “get laid”. Absolutely. What you are saying though is something different. I think what you are onto is basically, well for people who want to get their sex without overtly underhanded methods getting sex isn’t that easy. Which I would somewhat agree with. Few problems though, in my opinion.

First. Well, to want to get sex in the first place can never be moral. Sexual activity shouldn’t ever be a goal. So for those “moral” people who think they are getting sex in moral ways, I would disagree with that.

Secondly, well lets imagine that there can be a moral way of “getting sex”. You are saying that for these people it isnt that easy, i.e. its harder. But that is, I believe, missing the point of the statement you are refuting. Because if I am actively seeking to go out and have sex morally, I am creating barriers and difficulties for myself. Thus, I am making it harder on myself - which doesn’t actual mean beyond my subjective reality that it is in fact harder to get sex. Thus, for someone who has no moral standards, getting sex is easy.

What I’m overall aiming at is that I agree with the poster who said its easy enough to get laid hanging around in bars. Firstly because most people who hang in bars go there for the purpose of getting laid. Secondly, if thats your intention the chances are you will meet someone with the same intention.

And it applies in the real world. I know people who honestly go out to just get sex. And its not because they are particularly good looking, particularly charming. It’s just the fact that if you throw away morality and ethics, and also to some degree your standards, you will achieve your goal. And that goes for everything in life, I would imagine. And hence here we are in terms of sexual morality. It is just too easy to satisfy your sexual lust. Either through porn, or through sexual encounters. Now, if you are a secular person who thinks well “Im gonna do it morally by dating a chick” I don’t think thats right either. Putting a name, labeling, a sexual fling doesn’t make it any more right. And yet people have this idea that you know, its okay that we are having sex because we are dating! Dating why? So that you can have a supposedly moral excuse for using each other to get laid.

So again, whatever you want to label it, whichever way you go about it, getting laid is easy enough. With the goal of getting laid in mind - its unbelievably easy.

Just my opinion, though, and my life experience thus far.

No it is not!!! That is a massive assumption with no basis to reality only made by confident people, or people confident of their ability to get into relationships if they wish to, or happy with being alone if they’re not.

I could hang around a bar until hell freezes over and I still wouldn’t get laid–or at least the probability is so low as to be not worth thinking about, unless I encountered a really forward girl who was attracted to me. Not that that’s what I want anyway, I want and would very much prefer a proper relationship, and eventually marriage.

Though I guess I have Aspergers which affects that, and can’t imagine how I would convince a complete stranger to do something like that, or how anyone could do that with just body language.

Unless by being “easy” for everyone to “get laid”, you’re including prostitution (in which case financial issues would exclude a lot of people, as well as moral beliefs or feeling guilty amongst others), but it sounds like you’re arguing that if I so wished I can magically convince a complete stranger to sleep with me despite my issues with confidence, body language etc., which I think is wrong.

And at least in Britain, it is not true people only go to bars or clubs to get laid. In bars especially, they usually hang around in groups of friends. So an individual would find it hard to approach them. In clubs, you need to understand body language to know who likes you, since speaking is extremely difficult.

I think my life experience so far has been completely different to yours with respect. It seems like we live in different worlds. I get that you do not consider my standards or moral beliefs truly “moral”, but I couldn’t go against them even if I wanted to.

I certainly couldn’t touch a girl–especially a strabger–unless I was sure she wanted me to, which a lot of guys seem to and certain types of girls seem to like. I just can’t imagine doing it.

 

[Bataar]

No it is not!!! That is a massive assumption with no basis to reality only made by confident people, or people confident of their ability to get into relationships if they wish to, or happy with being alone if they’re not.

I could hang around a bar until hell freezes over and I still wouldn’t get laid–or at least the probability is so low as to be not worth thinking about, unless I encountered a really forward girl who was attracted to me. Not that that’s what I want anyway, I want and would very much prefer a proper relationship, and eventually marriage.

Though I guess I have Aspergers which affects that, and can’t imagine how I would convince a complete stranger to do something like that, or how anyone could do that with just body language.

Unless by being “easy” for everyone to “get laid”, you’re including prostitution (in which case financial issues would exclude a lot of people, as well as moral beliefs or feeling guilty amongst others), but it sounds like you’re arguing that if I so wished I can magically convince a complete stranger to sleep with me despite my issues with confidence, body language etc., which I think is wrong.

And at least in Britain, it is not true people only go to bars or clubs to get laid. In bars especially, they usually hang around in groups of friends. So an individual would find it hard to approach them. In clubs, you need to understand body language to know who likes you, since speaking is extremely difficult.

I think my life experience so far has been completely different to yours with respect. It seems like we live in different worlds. I get that you do not consider my standards or moral beliefs truly “moral”, but I couldn’t go against them even if I wanted to.

I certainly couldn’t touch a girl–especially a strabger–unless I was sure she wanted me to, which a lot of guys seem to and certain types of girls seem to like. I just can’t imagine doing it.

I also have Aspergers and this pretty much describes me as well.

 

[NewsTheMan]

No it is not!!! That is a massive assumption with no basis to reality only made by confident people, or people confident of their ability to get into relationships if they wish to, or happy with being alone if they’re not.

I could hang around a bar until hell freezes over and I still wouldn’t get laid–or at least the probability is so low as to be not worth thinking about, unless I encountered a really forward girl who was attracted to me. Not that that’s what I want anyway, I want and would very much prefer a proper relationship, and eventually marriage.

Though I guess I have Aspergers which affects that, and can’t imagine how I would convince a complete stranger to do something like that, or how anyone could do that with just body language.

Unless by being “easy” for everyone to “get laid”, you’re including prostitution (in which case financial issues would exclude a lot of people, as well as moral beliefs or feeling guilty amongst others), but it sounds like you’re arguing that if I so wished I can magically convince a complete stranger to sleep with me despite my issues with confidence, body language etc., which I think is wrong.

And at least in Britain, it is not true people only go to bars or clubs to get laid. In bars especially, they usually hang around in groups of friends. So an individual would find it hard to approach them. In clubs, you need to understand body language to know who likes you, since speaking is extremely difficult.

I think my life experience so far has been completely different to yours with respect. It seems like we live in different worlds. I get that you do not consider my standards or moral beliefs truly “moral”, but I couldn’t go against them even if I wanted to.

I certainly couldn’t touch a girl–especially a strabger–unless I was sure she wanted me to, which a lot of guys seem to and certain types of girls seem to like. I just can’t imagine doing it.

All this says to me is that you have a mental block. So my post still stands. If you truly want to get laid, you will easily get laid. However, mental blocks block this move. They put thoughts into your head. But that doesn’t make what I said any less true. It just makes it harder for you to realise the truth in it.

Be thankful you have a mental block then! Some guys have no conscience and just do as they please.

 

[jman507]

All this says to me is that you have a mental block. So my post still stands. If you truly want to get laid, you will easily get laid. However, mental blocks block this move. They put thoughts into your head. But that doesn’t make what I said any less true. It just makes it harder for you to realise the truth in it.

Be thankful you have a mental block then! Some guys have no conscience and just do as they please.

LOL, I think you’ve just sorta did a washout. If you come in automatically with a mental block then it really doesn’t matter, to get laid is not that easy.

 

[NewsTheMan]

No, what I said still stands. I believe, anyway.

Think about it like this. Lets say instead of sleeping with women your goal was “working out at a gym”. My response would be well dude, thats easy, just go to the right place find the right equipment and you are able to work out. But then you come along and tell me, but I have a broken leg. Well… that doesn’t make it any less true that you are in fact able to work out, or that somebody else is able. It’s just that, you have a broken leg which unfortunately is your problem. But if you didn’t have this personal problem, if you weren’t of that physical state, you could easily go work out.

Now just thnk about that in terms of what we are speaking about. In my post I always said, if you really throw away your morality or your own personal barriers then getting sex will be easy. If you have a problem in doing that from a personal point of view or daily living experience then that is your problem. It doesn’t make it any less true that it is easy. For you however, with your barriers and personal mental inability to chat to a girl, you have thus created a barrier between you and the goal. But the barrier is your construct, it isnt an intrinsic part of the goal. The barrier belongs to you, and if it belongs to you then it has nothing to do with the goal. Thus, getting sex is easy. But you can make it harder on yourself.

 

[kingal86]

All this says to me is that you have a mental block. So my post still stands. If you truly want to get laid, you will easily get laid. However, mental blocks block this move. They put thoughts into your head. But that doesn’t make what I said any less true. It just makes it harder for you to realise the truth in it.

Be thankful you have a mental block then! Some guys have no conscience and just do as they please.

A mental bloc? You mean a conscience? Like if I don’t rape someone I don’t want to get laid? You’re crazy! Or Aspergers, meaning that I can’t read someone’s mind from their facial expressions?

If you’re ugly (I’m not), not confident, autistic, geeky or disabled, esp. if you’re male, then (excl. prostitutes) it is not easy to get laid. You’re wrong.

I challenge you to come to Berlin and I’ll prove to you that I approach strangers and try to chat them up they almost certainly won’t sleep with me or give their number. I bet you’ve never tried it. Some people can do that kind of thing, it’s only easy to them.

 

[kingal86]

For you however, with your barriers and personal mental inability to chat to a girl, you have thus created a barrier between you and the goal. But the barrier is your construct, it isnt an intrinsic part of the goal. The barrier belongs to you, and if it belongs to you then it has nothing to do with the goal. Thus, getting sex is easy. But you can make it harder on yourself.

Some of my barriers are created, but most (my Aspergers) is genetic. And, as a Catholic, presumably you believe my conscience (or at least some of it) is also God-given, and therefore not an artificial barrier. Though I would argue certain things (like not groping strangers or being scared to kiss girls etc) go back to “No means No” stuff in my sex education at school, and hearing too much about sexual harrasment.

A lack of confidence is also not something it is “easy” to get over. And sex with another person (excl. prostitution again which is different ) is not like going to the gym. It requires the ability to find someone willing to do that with you (either eventually over a relationship, marriage etc. or immediately), or convince them to so. That is not easy for a lot of people, though arguably easier for girls of a reasonable level of attractiveness if they really didn’t care who it was, since guys (in general) are less choosy.

 

[NewsTheMan]

A mental bloc? You mean a conscience? Like if I don’t rape someone I don’t want to get laid? You’re crazy! Or Aspergers, meaning that I can’t read someone’s mind from their facial expressions?

If you’re ugly (I’m not), not confident, autistic, geeky or disabled, esp. if you’re male, then (excl. prostitutes) it is not easy to get laid. You’re wrong.

I challenge you to come to Berlin and I’ll prove to you that I approach strangers and try to chat them up they almost certainly won’t sleep with me or give their number. I bet you’ve never tried it. Some people can do that kind of thing, it’s only easy to them.

You are taking my original post way out of context. But I will bite.

A mental block and a conscience are two different things. It is good to have a conscience. And that is what, a lot of the time, stops people from engaging in a whole range of activities (sexual or not) that seem attractive. As for “If I don’t rape someone I don’t want to get laid” - You said it not I and I don’t really know where that came from.

However, sure, I’ll give it to you that if you have Aspergers, autism, disabilities or what have you it is difficult to get laid. But, and I think this agrees with my general point, getting laid wont be built into your everyday goals if thats what you have. I am talking about the seeking of sexual gratification, vis. one night stands, friends with benefits etc.

If you are an average dude, an average secular dude more to the point, it is very easy to get laid. But, again my original posts probably agree with this, don’t then quote me as saying that I said its easy to get laid in the middle of the ocean in a rowing boat. I mean, you have to put what I say (and what everyone says) in context.

Maybe I made it out to be a piece of cake. I guess than I am wrong. You can’t just sit on your buttocks and think “Ok. sex time”. As with everything yes it requires some effort, and I think the amount of effort is minimal to be honest. It isn’t that hard.

And I challenge you to come to where I live. As I said, I am speaking from my own lived experience. Friends of mine have sex all the time with random women. Ugly guys, geeky guys, good looking guys, fat guys. All sorts. And its because they are so desperate that they have thrown their barriers down, taken away all forms of conscience and bobs your uncle.

As a Catholic I think conscience and all these things are good. Great. I am glad you can’t get laid. Because it shouldn’t be a goal. And perhaps you shouldn’t see your conscience as a barrier in your pursuit of sex. See it as a moral compass and think “Yeah, probably shouldn’t be doing this”. Which is what you seem to describe, and which fits in with my original point that if you rid yourself of morality it is easy to get laid. If you read my posts in context and without me doing a lot of the thinking for you it will make a lot more sense.

 

[SarahR]

Well…it takes a lot to offend me…and apparently reading numerous posts on CAF about “getting laid” is one of them. Can you guys please stop?

Thanks and God bless.

 

[SarahR]

Well…it takes a lot to offend me…and apparently reading numerous posts on CAF about “getting laid” is one of them. Can you guys please stop? Surely you can find a more respectful way of discussing your point.

Thanks and God bless.

 

[kingal86]

SarahR:
I apologise. I wouldn’t usually use that particular phrase. The original post on this point made me very angry, and I agree this discussion has gone on too long and is not appropriate for CAF.

 

[SarahR]

I apologise. I wouldn’t usually use that particular phrase. The original post on this point made me very angry, and I agree this discussion has gone on too long and is not appropriate for CAF.

Hey, I appreciate it, thanks.

 

[kingal86]

I also have Aspergers and this pretty much describes me as well.

Nice to know I’m not alone, thanks.