Obesity: Sensitivity or Intervention?

[Island_Oak]

This may be an odd topic…but does anyone else deal with obese extended-family members? Does food preparation ever become for you a moral issue if you feel like you are contributing to the condition by providing the means of over-consumption? I sometimes feel it is akin to having alcohol around a recovering alcoholic. Or do you ignore the issue entirely if you are actually dining together infrequently? Is it insulting to presume you have any role to play in what someone else decides to put in his/her mounth?

 

[newf]

Food is not like alcohol…you need to have food to live, you do not need alcohol. So, I don’t think someone overweight is like someone who is recovering from alcoholism.

Also, the overweight person knows they are overweight. If they do not ask for your help, I would not offer. I would put out food that I normally serve, but I always try to have low calorie items along with high calorie, so people can choose.

Obviously, being overweight is a problem. And the sad thing about being fat, is that everyone can see it, and judge you. The rest of us have other problems that are easier to hide…

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

You think the fat don’t know they’re fat? It’s not like alcoholism in that sense. The realization is there. They know. They are the ones who buy their clothes in big sizes. They are the ones who pay to buy an extra airplane seat 'cause they don’t fit in one. They are the ones paying higher health insurance premiums. They are the ones who have trouble moving. They just aren’t ready to do something about it, or maybe can’t figure out how to do something about it. Maybe they’ve had a mobility injury and can’t exercise. The disgust with the size just leads to a vicious cycle of eating, disgust, etc.

It is nobody’s business what they put into their mouths to eat, any more than it is anybody else’s business what they drink. But, just like any alocoholic or drug abuser, there are consequences to being fat, some of which are mentioned above.

It’s not the same as a drug or alcohol addiction, though. We all need to eat to live, saints and those on permanent IVs notwithstanding.

In my opinion, an intervention is not a good idea.

If they are dining at your house, you are the host. You choose the food. If it is prepared healthfully, then all you have to do is offer it. If they say, “No thank you” that’s their problem. You do not have to offer high-calorie desserts or anything else you don’t want to offer.

If you are the host in a restaurant, then you still get to choose. You can call in and order beforehand.

What you do not get to do is tell people how to spend their own money if you’re going dutch treat.

 

[cutiesmak]

I just try not to contribute to gluttony. I serve what I would normally serve, but I don’t usually make a ton for leftovers (I hate waste!).

Sometimes, though, I think I’m contributing. My DH is overweight (not by a ton though) and I’m always cooking him delicious food! Haha…

I think people forget that gluttony is sinful. I think we have to keep obese friends and relatives in our prayers, and make sure that we are not contributing to their declining health. I guess my answer is, “Not in MY house!” But I would never make a special point to tell them that they are being unhealthy. I’m sure they have a good idea about that.

 

[mchale]

As one who has struggled with my weight my entire adult life, I can tell you that the problem is complicated beyond measure. There are a host of emotional and physical issues that can lead to obesity. In some cases it is not even over eating. Some people can eat two or three plates full of food and not gain weight, while others gain weight if they eat a single full plate.

From my own experience, I would say, serve what you would normally serve. If you feed them less than they want to eat they might well stop at McDonalds on the way home and eat even more calories and fat than if you just gave them all they wanted.

Mind you, loosing weight is complicated, difficult and often subject to set backs. Offer encouragement, but not criticism (calling someone fat can cause them to become depressed and eat even more). Here is an idea… after a dinner with an overwieght person, suggest taking a walk. Even a light 20 minute stroll after dinner will help burn a few calories and might get the person started on the road to loosing weight.

–
Bill

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Mind you, loosing weight is complicated, difficult and often subject to set backs. Offer encouragement, but not criticism (calling someone fat can cause them to become depressed and eat even more). Here is an idea… after a dinner with an overwieght person, suggest taking a walk. Even a light 20 minute stroll after dinner will help burn a few calories and might get the person started on the road to loosing weight.

–
Bill

Yes…this isn’t just about not providing “bad” food or too much food. It is about not providing fodder for self-loathing or hopelessness. Very often food is used to self-medicate, sometimes compulsively rather than purposefully, for depression or feelings of self-loathing. If the insensitivity that triggers the eating is supplied by you, the food will be supplied as a matter of course. (And I am not trying to make this anybody’s fault, but just trying to find the best way to succeed most of the time.)

You wouldn’t put a diabetic in a position where they would have to make a big deal to watch their blood sugar. You wouldn’t make a big deal out of denying the whole family pecan pie because there was a diabetic in the house, either.

Also, there is very little that is of benefit to someone who is overweight that isn’t of benefit to everybody. Don’t make this about being healthy for one particular person. Make this about providing a menu and opportunities for exercise that will make everybody feel better.

 

[Karin]

I would cook a special meal for them…if the are obese they NEED to loose weight and eat healthy…this is not about being 10-15lbs over weight…obesity is a killer and I in my own home will not help someone kill themselves by eating garbage or LARGE amounts of food!

 

[Pug]

I would cook a special meal for them…if the are obese they NEED to loose weight and eat healthy…this is not about being 10-15lbs over weight…obesity is a killer and I in my own home will not help someone kill themselves by eating garbage or LARGE amounts of food!

Are you saying that if you held an extended family gathering in your home, you’d feed the obese person a small meal controlled by you, and the rest of the family could eat whatever they wish?

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I would cook a special meal for them…if the are obese they NEED to loose weight and eat healthy…this is not about being 10-15lbs over weight…obesity is a killer and I in my own home will not help someone kill themselves by eating garbage or LARGE amounts of food!

We have family members and friends with food sensitivities. With a little imagination, it isn’t normally that difficult to come up with a single menu that fits everybody…sometimes with a grilled portobello mushroom for the vegetarians, in place of the hunk of meat everyone else wants, but usually with a single menu.

It is not as if there aren’t a great many fabulous recipes out there that are not laden with cholesterol and saturated fat, etc. Also, it isn’t that hard to put out an appetizer platter that is long on veggies, with a few caloric tidbits to keep the guests from feeling like they’ve been to a rabbit farm for dinner.

 

[Karin]

Are you saying that if you held an extended family gathering in your home, you’d feed the obese person a small meal controlled by you, and the rest of the family could eat whatever they wish?

I would feed the family accordingly and that includes the obese person…
I do not cater to my kids whims so I do not cater to my relatives whims…there is a good mix of vegies, fruits and protien at every meal…I cook enough that everyone can eat a proper portion of food …I would not be strapping the feed bag on them so they could eat everything in sight

 

[Karin]

We have family members and friends with food sensitivities. With a little imagination, it isn’t normally that difficult to come up with a single menu that fits everybody…sometimes with a grilled portobello mushroom for the vegetarians, in place of the hunk of meat everyone else wants, but usually with a single menu.

It is not as if there aren’t a great many fabulous recipes out there that are not laden with cholesterol and saturated fat, etc. Also, it isn’t that hard to put out an appetizer platter that is long on veggies, with a few caloric tidbits to keep the guests from feeling like they’ve been to a rabbit farm for dinner.

Yup a single menu//there is enough vegies, fruits and various protien sources at each of our meals that even a vegetarian could have a meal and I do not need to cook anything extra for them or go out of my way to cater to their whims

 

[Robaynne]

Why should anything change if you have a set menu then stick with it. There is no need to isolate people because they are over weight or treat them differently. We all have different issues in life and should not be looked down upon because you are overweight instead of slim and trim. Does it make you less of a person because you are fat.

If it is such a issue then rather not invite them. Then having to feel that you are going out of your way to accommodate people that you really do not want to.

 

[Karin]

Why should anything change if you have a set menu then stick with it. There is no need to isolate people because they are over weight or treat them differently. We all have different issues in life and should not be looked down upon because you are overweight instead of slim and trim. Does it make you less of a person because you are fat.

If it is such a issue then rather not invite them. Then having to feel that you are going out of your way to accommodate people that you really do not want to.

there is a difference between being overweight and OBESE…I do agree that they should not be isolated but you should not cater to their unhealthy life threatening habit either

 

[Em_in_FL]

Since you’re asking about an extended family member (not someone living in your house, I’m assuming from your post)… I wouldn’t make any overt intervention… or serve a different meal to them if they were at my house. I would simply continue to provide healthful choices when eating in my home.

However, I would invite and encourage the family member to participate in an exercise program with me!
So many people focus on the food, when HALF of the problem is a lack of exercise!

I wouldn’t be rude in any way… that could be extremely hurtful. But asking if that person would like to go on a weekend bike ride, or come over to play basketball, or go on a walk… those are all fun family activites that can be very useful in achieving a healthier lifestyle!

Be a good example, and invite them to participate in physical activities… I think that’s the best way to approach an “intervention” in a sensitive way!

 

[Pug]

I would feed the family accordingly and that includes the obese person…

I can’t imagine it being any other way, so I’m glad. Our family gatherings always have a selection of healthy food and usually a dessert (it is often a birthday). Everyone just eats what they want from the food that is offered.

We have a few allergies in the family, though, so sometimes certain foods are missing. Thirty years ago, the meals were slightly less healthy. They have improved.

 

[Robaynne]

there is a difference between being overweight and OBESE…I do agree that they should not be isolated but you should not cater to their unhealthy life threatening habit either

I understand what you are saying.

But as the host you decide on the menu and if people do not like it tough. If you are serving healthy food then tough the person will have to make do with what there is.

Then why invite the person if you feel that you have to go out of your way for that person then rather not invite them. Then the all evening you will be monitoring them and watching what they are eating. And making that person feel uncomfortable.

Sorry to say this but it is insulting and hurtful. Those people will be so hurt that you feel it is your right to tell them what the should and should not eat.

At the end of the day it is your home and you cook what you feel is fit and also what suits your budget. If you do not want to serve unhealthy food then don’t.

 

[St_John]

The only difference with overeating, compared to other bad habits, and/or sins, is that the evidence is there for all to see. The obese person bears the ill effects of their eating in how they look and feel, and it damages their health. They feel humiliated because others think they look like fat pigs, thin people are judgemental, and everyone knows what the fat person should do to improve their life.

My advise to the original poster is to avoid looking at the obese relative or friends body. Only look at their face and don’t look below the neck. That way you’ll stop worrying about something that is not your concern. Be a courteous host and don’t change anything. It’s not your business to try to reform your guest with one meal.

 

[Karin]

The only difference with overeating, compared to other bad habits, and/or sins, is that the evidence is there for all to see. The obese person bears the ill effects of their eating in how they look and feel, and it damages their health. They feel humiliated because others think they look like fat pigs, thin people are judgemental, and everyone knows what the fat person should do to improve their life.

My advise to the original poster is to avoid looking at the obese relative or friends body. Only look at their face and don’t look below the neck. That way you’ll stop worrying about something that is not your concern. Be a courteous host and don’t change anything. It’s not your business to try to reform your guest with one meal.

how pray tell do you not look at anything but their faces?
I for one would not be able to do this…a person that large you can not help but not see the rest of them

 

[StratusRose]

People use different things to mask their failings. Some use food, some use alcohol and drugs, and some point out the failings of others to make themselves feel better. It is of none of your concern to feel responsible for what another adult eats. If it was a child, maybe, but an adult has the discretion to make judgments for him or herself. If someone did this to me, I would feel like the host was patronizing me, and would probably make me feel worse.

Also, does this person have a medical issue that makes them overweight? I have Insulin Resistance as well as PCOS that has contributed to my weight problem. I had it all my life and family members just contributed my weight due to lack of self-control and laziness. Au contraire. My mom fed me good foods, and I played on soccer and tennis teams. I was still overweight and no one knew why. I recently found out my problem this past year.

 

[Princess_Abby]

The title of this thread is just sort of interesting. Sensitivity OR intervention. Hmm. I don’t think any ‘intervention’ should lack sensitivity.

Some thoughts:

1. No one made you the portion police.
2. You are not privy to the entire medical history of each and every extended family member.
3. Yes, it is insulting to presume that another person’s eating is any of your business. (Exceptions being spouse and/or children.)
4. It is very ill-informed to assume that obesity must be due to over-consumption.
5. Educate yourself on the medical and emotional complexities that contribute to obesity.

I’m sure you have the best of intentions in worrying about the health of your family members, but voice that concern outside of an eating situation. Just as someone doesn’t have a discussion about sex problems with their spouse while they’re in the act, or pick the cash register moment to discuss money concerns, don’t confront a family member with eating concerns while they have fork in hand. It will only serve to humiliate and defenses will be immediately aroused.

The other thing that comes to mind is that there might be plenty in which they don’t wish to share with you concerning the nature of their obesity. Maybe they don’t care to discuss their thyroid condition or metabolic disorder with someone who is assuming they stuff themselves silly on a regular basis. Maybe they don’t want to complain about creaky bones or herniated discs or pinched nerves that contribute to inactivity and therefore obesity. Respect the fact that what you see when observing their bodies is merely the end result of a situation you can’t possibly be entirely informed about in which to make an accurate assessment and offer an unasked for opinion, however well-intentioned.