Obesity: Sensitivity or Intervention?

[Island_Oak]

Thanks to all for the many thoughtful replies. This is such a complicated health issue and quite honestly I find myself fighting opposing emotions of wanting to offer support and empathy while at the same time feeling anger, disappointment and utter exasperation with those in my family who have allowed this condition to take over their lives.

Here is an idea… after a dinner with an overwieght person, suggest taking a walk. Even a light 20 minute stroll after dinner will help burn a few calories and might get the person started on the road to loosing weight. Bill

Great idea–something that would be easy to invite ALL to join, would continue the fellowship from the dinner table and be beneficial for everyone no matter their size or shape.

Eating in a family or social situation is actually GOOD for those that have eating problems… If someone is very obese perhaps they have emotional problems…chances are the reason they are overweight is they are scarfing down unhealthy food while at home alone in order to fill an emotional sadness or void…

Being at someones home where it is a happy atmosphere with conversation, food and fun is actually good for someone struggling with obesity or an eating disorder. It is a place to enjoy food in a relaxing atmosphere…I am overweight. If I went to someone’s home and they had prepared all low-cal, low-carb food because I was coming (and I knew they didn’t ordinarily eat like that) I would probably leave the home in tears. If however, they made a nice meal and I enjoyed the company I would probably be having too much fun to overeat! Hope this helps

Great perspective I hadn’t really considered–but you are so right that much of the destructive overeating/eating disorder behaviour happens in private, not in the midst of enjoyable social gatherings.

…the sad thing about being fat, is that everyone can see it, and judge you. The rest of us have other problems that are easier to hide…

Humbling and so very true. My intentions are not to judge, in the end, but to be a positive influence and support to change some very dangerous patterns.

Some thoughts:

1. No one made you the portion police.
2. You are not privy to the entire medical history of each and every extended family member.
3. Yes, it is insulting to presume that another person’s eating is any of your business. (Exceptions being spouse and/or children.)
4. It is very ill-informed to assume that obesity must be due to over-consumption.
5. Educate yourself on the medical and emotional complexities that contribute to obesity.

I’m sure you have the best of intentions in worrying about the health of your family members, but voice that concern outside of an eating situation…

You raise some good points, but the fact is, I am all too aware of the history, health condition and behaviour that has contributed to this condition in several very close relatives. While I recognize that the decision and necessary lifestyle changes are not in my power to control, I feel promted to act out of concern for relatives so afflicted as well as the interests of those of us “bystanders” who will be directly impacted by disease, incapacity, and inevitably shortened life span caused by this pernicious condition.

 

[mchale]

I would cook a special meal for them…if the are obese they NEED to loose weight and eat healthy…this is not about being 10-15lbs over weight…obesity is a killer and I in my own home will not help someone kill themselves by eating garbage or LARGE amounts of food!

Definitely, do not cook a meal specially for them at least not unless everyone was receiving the same meal. If their overeating problem is emotional (and emotional issues are often at least part of the problem) then singling them out will only make them eat more later. If they are obese they know it. Trust me, we do. More and more studies show that for many changing diet, by itself, does not work to resolve the problem at least not in the long term.

I have been working on loosing weight since summer. Have lost 42lbs thus far. My Mom in particular spent years trying to get me to diet. Nothing she ever did stopped me from over eating or got me to exercise (I would just stop at McDonalds on the way home if I didn’t feel satisfied… and in the end eat more calories than if she had served me what I wanted). I had to make the decision myself. Since I started dieting and exercising my life has gotten much better for a variety of reasons, not all of them because I have lost weight. But the fact that I am happier right now than I have been in like 4 years is making it alot easier to make it to the gym in the morning and to if not stick to the diet, at least not break it badly.

–
Bill

 

[LSK]

This may be an odd topic…but does anyone else deal with obese extended-family members? Does food preparation ever become for you a moral issue if you feel like you are contributing to the condition by providing the means of over-consumption? I sometimes feel it is akin to having alcohol around a recovering alcoholic. Or do you ignore the issue entirely if you are actually dining together infrequently? Is it insulting to presume you have any role to play in what someone else decides to put in his/her mounth?

I am a recovering alcoholic (sobriety date 5-4-1992). As such it would NEVER occur to me to tell a family member not to serve alcohol at their parties or to have it in their house. That would be rude and highly presumptive of me.

That being said, I always like to point out to people what is meant - truly - by an intervention. If you decide that you do not want to stand by and watch someone do harm to themselves (and I don’t care what it is) and you want to do an intervention, what exactly does that mean? In a nutshell, it means you tell that person that if they do not stop they will suffer specific and absolute consequences AND THEN IT MEANS YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON WHATEVER IT IS YOU THREATEN THEM WITH AS A CONSEQUENCE.

Example: You are morbidly obeses. You are killing yourself by overeating. If you do not stop overeating and address your problem I will never allow you to see your grandchildren again.

The OP speaks to morbid obesity as a moral problem. Ok. Then if you feel that the person is immoral for being morbidly obese then you should speak to your confessor and ask him what he thinks the proper Catholic response should be to someone who is immorally overweight.

 

[CarolAnnSFO]

IThat being said, I always like to point out to people what is meant - truly - by an intervention. If you decide that you do not want to stand by and watch someone do harm to themselves (and I don’t care what it is) and you want to do an intervention, what exactly does that mean? In a nutshell, it means you tell that person that if they do not stop they will suffer specific and absolute consequences AND THEN IT MEANS YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON WHATEVER IT IS YOU THREATEN THEM WITH AS A CONSEQUENCE.

As Monicad pointed out, we are all sinners. So, for anyone wanting to perform this kind of intervention: you need to ask yourself – How would you feel if someone else made you the subject of an “intervention” (in the context of a family gathering) for your own particular area of sinfulness?

I would just prepare the normal meal that I originally had planned, have at least a few healthy choices available, let all the guests eat whatever they choose to eat, and then invite everyone to go for a walk after dinner.

**Crazy Internet Junkies Society
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[LSK]

Thank you, Carol Ann…people who use the term ‘intervention’ often mean “I will make that person do what I want them to do because it is for their own good” but never think it through - I have been a part of a dozen or more interventions for alcohol and other substances and I try always to make it very clear to those who are concerned about the ‘subject’ - this is America and if the other person tells you to shut up or back off then you had better be ready to follow through with your ‘or else’…if you don’t then all you are doing is being a jerk and a whiner.

As for preparing food - just make a menu. If the other person wants to eat it they will, if they don’t they won’t…

 

[Pug]

Thank you, Carol Ann…people who use the term ‘intervention’ often mean “I will make that person do what I want them to do because it is for their own good” but never think it through

I don’t know what the technical term “intervention” means, but I do know that in my personal experience of people trying to “fix” me, it has never been done with enough knowledge.

For example, I told people that peanuts made me sick. So one day a relative told me they had a special treat food for me…you can probably guess the outcome. What astounds me is that it is still possible to guilt me into cooperating with other people’s ideas on how to “fix” me.

I do realize that people can help others with understanding. I’m just personally a bit psycho about it, on account of personal experience. I know it is just my experience. I wish I could trade it.

 

[LSK]

OMIGAWD - Pug…are you kidding me???

That is AWFUL.

However - I think you hit this right on the head. The real problem is how do we deal with people in our lives who are not behaving the way we want them to behave, the way society says they should behave, the way the Church says they should behave etc.

I am not saying that an intervention is always a bad idea - however, you have GOT to know what you are talking about and what the consequences for you AND for others will be before you decide you will take such an action.

As for cooking separate food for someone so that you are ‘not contributing to the problem’ - unless they have asked you to do that, you are being very rude and arrogant. At the VERY least have the guts to tell them ahead of time that you have decided that when they are at your house they will eat a certain way so that they can make the decision to set foot on your property or NOT.

 

[Cupofkindness]

Island Oak:

If you want to do an actual intervention, then you need to meet with the healthy members of your extended family who do not have food issues (or any other addictions for that matter) and agree that this needs to happen. Next would be to meet with a doctor, say the individual’s family doctor. Third, you need a program of recovery. Motivation and hope are goals of every intervention. What about a 12 Step Program like Overeaters Anonymous?

Interventions aren’t about sensitivity. They are about rescuing people from the wreckless, life threatening condition that they have allowed themselves to deteriorate into. Men and women with food addictions allow food to rob them of life’s simplest joys, like feeling good about yourself and the body God has given you. This isn’t about judging people, this is about saving their lives. This means telling the truth and showing unconditional acceptance of that individual in light of that. This is one reason why 12-Step programs are so effective. Everyone at the meetings has been there too.

Who wants to see someone they care about become a diabetic or have a heart attack? Or become unable to walk because their joints can’t bear their weight? It is a sin to ruin the one and only body God gave us. And it is very, very sad that so many people spend a lifetime trapped inside an obese body.

What is important is that people remain committed to their family members who are obese as they struggle to lose weight. This might mean, say, joining Curves with them, or taking them shopping, or preparing healthy meals for them. Or taking a walk with them as was suggested above. It also means taking a hard look at family gatherings. If they lead many members to pig out, then maybe family gatherings should change so that food and sitting around isn’t the focus.

God bless you, Island Oak, for your concern for these people.

 

[Pug]

OMIGAWD - Pug…are you kidding me???

No. No joke. Honestly I don’t know how to feel about it. One part of me says, oh, it was nothing, anyone could have done that, after all, back then they had no idea that could have been dangerous and I know that my family thought I was a faker on many accounts and I only had a slight problem with peanuts. But then on the other hand I just get incredulous. Why don’t people believe when you tell them how things are! I’m too close to it to think straight. They meant the best.

Does anyone ever really have enough information to intervene?

 

[CarolAnnSFO]

Why don’t people believe when you tell them how things are!

Sadly, many people are lacking in empathy. You know how it is…

“I’m not allergic to peanuts, so anyone who claims to be must be faking.”

“I needed to lose 5 pounds and had no problem, so obese people have no excuse not to lose weight.”

“I have perfectly good knees and have no problem kneeling during the Consecration, so people who don’t kneel are just lazy.”

And so on…

If I had a dollar for every instance of this I’ve seen…

I might not be rich, but I’d have a tidy sum of spending money.

**Crazy Internet Junkies Society
**Carrier of the Angelic Sparkles Sprinkle Bag
Pace e Bene

 

[BLB_Oregon]

OMIGAWD - Pug…are you kidding me???

That is AWFUL.

However - I think you hit this right on the head. The real problem is how do we deal with people in our lives who are not behaving the way we want them to behave, the way society says they should behave, the way the Church says they should behave etc.

I am not saying that an intervention is always a bad idea - however, you have GOT to know what you are talking about and what the consequences for you AND for others will be before you decide you will take such an action.

As for cooking separate food for someone so that you are ‘not contributing to the problem’ - unless they have asked you to do that, you are being very rude and arrogant. At the VERY least have the guts to tell them ahead of time that you have decided that when they are at your house they will eat a certain way so that they can make the decision to set foot on your property or NOT.

We ought not talk as if setting a healthy table would be out of the question if nobody in the family was packing too many pounds.

It is of benefit to everyone to plan holiday menus that are not too heavy. If it is a holiday and the food is too plain, people are just going to have to find food elsewhere afterwards that reflects a mood of celebration. If the food is too rich or if there is far too much of it or if there is not enough fiber-food to keep people content while doing idle munching during a chat, then there will be overconsumption, which is not any better for the skinnies than for the rest of us.

 

[LSK]

If one plans a menu that treats all people the same, fine. If one has planned a menu that takes into account one person’s food allergies (like Pug and peanuts…) that could KILL the person if they take ONE BITE (not theoretically kill them someday down the road) than I can understand making a seperate salad or labelling dressing. HOWEVER, to make some sort of special meal for your morbidly obese Aunt because you decide that when she is at your house she will only eat 300 calories at every meal and by God that is the way it is going to be because you will not cater to her whims…then you should have the guts to call her up and say “This is how it is going to be at my house for you from now on, Auntie” so that she has the right to tell you thanks but no thanks if she wants…or she can tell you to stick the plate up your nose because she isn’t going to eat when she is at your house. Either way - she has the right to decide is she wants to be put through YOUR idea of how she should behave or not.

Hey, guess what this applied to alcoholics too. When I had been sober for about a year I told a dear friend of mine that they were welcome to come to my home but because they could not seem to drink without getting drunk they would not be served beer or wine like any of my other guests. I told them privately, away from everyone else. They got insulted and did not speak to me for 2 years.

Today they have 10 years of continuous sobriety.

As I stated before, interventions can be effective. You just have to know what you are doing.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

If one plans a menu that treats all people the same, fine. If one has planned a menu that takes into account one person’s food allergies (like Pug and peanuts…) that could KILL the person if they take ONE BITE (not theoretically kill them someday down the road) than I can understand making a seperate salad or labelling dressing. HOWEVER, to make some sort of special meal for your morbidly obese Aunt because you decide that when she is at your house she will only eat 300 calories at every meal and by God that is the way it is going to be because you will not cater to her whims.…then you should have the guts to call her up and say “This is how it is going to be at my house for you from now on, Auntie” so that she has the right to tell you thanks but no thanks if she wants…or she can tell you to stick the plate up your nose because she isn’t going to eat when she is at your house. Either way - she has the right to decide is she wants to be put through YOUR idea of how she should behave or not.

Hey, guess what this applied to alcoholics too. When I had been sober for about a year I told a dear friend of mine that they were welcome to come to my home but because they could not seem to drink without getting drunk they would not be served beer or wine like any of my other guests. I told them privately, away from everyone else. They got insulted and did not speak to me for 2 years.

Today they have 10 years of continuous sobriety.

As I stated before, interventions can be effective. You just have to know what you are doing.

If a host/hostess thinks it is their right to decide their guest’s caloric intake based on iopinion of the guest’s weight issues, that is just out of line. It is very decent of him/her if a guest asks help on something like that and he/she obliges by altering the menu accordingly. If that help is offered, though, it must be done as discretely as possible. If the weight issue is extremely different than anyone else present, separate food could be offered to the guest with the special dietary needs. Otherwise, everybody needs to be offered the same food as anyone else gets.

A guest who chooses to get drunk at someone’s house or a guest who is rude in their eating is another issue altogether. If you make a certain amount of mashed potatoes and Uncle Ed takes it upon himself to dish up four portions for himself, he is the one being rude. Hosts have every right to tell rude guests that the behavior won’t be tolerated in the future.

If hosts don’t serve enough to suit the guests, but serve all equally, polite guests must still keep their mouths shut and take only their portion. They may bolt for the door and the nearest restaurant at the first opportunity that decency allows, but they have to content themselves with what is offered.

What you did with your alcohol-abusing friends was somewhat different from the general case because you were abstaining yourself and because they had a history of inappropriate alcohol use in your home in the past. Your legitimate right to not have alcohol abused in your home was compounded by your personal need to avoid it at all costs. Even if they were not alcoholic, they should have been quick to honor your need to avoid contact with drunkenness. I would have put it “I will ask you to leave if you overindulge” and not “you will not be served”, but that would be different if I had never seen a single case in which they had used alcohol, had the opportunity to abuse it, and yet didn’t choose to do so. In that case, I would have said, “Until I see you use appropriately at an event I can leave if I need to, I will expect you to either abstain from drinking or abstain from coming.”

I’m guessing, but were they in denial about your need to abstain in the first place? I would bet that way.

 

[AnnaTherese]

I think obesity can often but perhaps not always be an indication of addiction. Modern foods are heavy laden with chemicals of all sorts that definitely do serve to keep you eating. Remember the potato chip jingle “No one can eat just one!” If I had a obese friend or family member and I was responsible for feeding them, I would provide plenty of food but make it the very best, tastiest, health-promoting and homemade food that I could afford to give them. I would not add to their deteriorating health by giving them bags of Doritos and so forth. But if they brought something like that, that would be entirely up to them. We should want to send an authentic message of love to those who suffer from obesity. More often than not, they do wish they were thinner, but it’s so difficult to make such a drastic life change. We should be charitable and understanding above all, but not promote the habit of addictive foods if it is in our power to do so.

 

[blessedtoo]

I have worked as a private chef for the last 10 years. The last three clients I worked for were all overweight. Within the context of their families, all the meals I prepared were “healthy” in that I used olive oils and organic foods and lots of fresh produce. The key to helping these folks lose weight was always portion control and to solve that dilemma (and a system I think should be employed in all families) I simply plated the food before serving. I made enough food so that each person received the proper portions and presented their meal attractively with lots of garnishes! Everyone’s dish looks the same and no one feels singled out. I know the calorie and fat content and can feel confident that I am providing them with nutritious meals that will satisfy. Now, some of my clients are and have been incorrigible and satisfied their food urges outside the home, but in the big scheme of things, if you can control portions on two, or at least one meal that your family eats, you are way ahead of the game.

 

[Island_Oak]

Island Oak:

If you want to do an actual intervention, then you need to meet with the healthy members of your extended family who do not have food issues (or any other addictions for that matter) and agree that this needs to happen…

Honestly an “intervention” was about the furthest thing from my mind. But now that half of this thread has been cleansed, you lose the context of the discussion and how it progressed.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I have worked as a private chef for the last 10 years. The last three clients I worked for were all overweight. Within the context of their families, all the meals I prepared were “healthy” in that I used olive oils and organic foods and lots of fresh produce. The key to helping these folks lose weight was always portion control and to solve that dilemma (and a system I think should be employed in all families) I simply plated the food before serving. I made enough food so that each person received the proper portions and presented their meal attractively with lots of garnishes! Everyone’s dish looks the same and no one feels singled out. I know the calorie and fat content and can feel confident that I am providing them with nutritious meals that will satisfy. Now, some of my clients are and have been incorrigible and satisfied their food urges outside the home, but in the big scheme of things, if you can control portions on two, or at least one meal that your family eats, you are way ahead of the game.

Plating is key, although not something that is easy to do for holiday get-togethers.

The other thing is that healthy food, having some fiber in it, does satisfy and does give you something that you will benefit from even if you stack some bad stuff on top of it.

Besides, when people are fortunate enough to get enough good food and good meals into them, the heavy, greasy, over-refined foods that rely entirely on salt, fat, and sugar to make them attractive lose much of their shine. If you’ve been eating well, that stuff just tastes awful.

 

[St_John]

This is something everyone in this country needs to start doing. Our schools, restaurants and families all need to stop serving so much fat laden foods in such copious quantities. Hopefully public awareness will lead to changes in the next 20 years such as we saw in cigarette usage.

 

[blessedtoo]

My current clients are trying to lose weight yet do not want to go on a “diet”. They love good food too much to give up anything. So I serve them everything, including desserts, but give them portions that couldn’t possibly cause weight gain. I’ve worked for them for two months now, and they have both lost a total of 15 pounds. All their food desires are met and yet they are able to lose weight. Because there is no “extra” food laying around the house, they are not tempted. However, they must exercise the discipline necessary to keep from going out and splurging on junk.

 

[CarolAnnSFO]

My current clients are trying to lose weight yet do not want to go on a “diet”. They love good food too much to give up anything.

I don’t blame them – look at any of those magazine articles where the Diet Police tell us how we should be eating – a piece of plain, broiled meat the size of a deck of cards (yikes – my 10- and 12-pound cats each eat more meat than that in a day ), and some plain, unseasoned, steamed vegetables. Yuck. The contents of my cats’ dinner bowls looks more appetizing than that!

We need “food plans” that are realistic – unless you are very petite, 1200 calories a day isn’t realistic – I’d be lucky to stick to that for even one meal. By the end of one day, I’d be lightheaded and on the verge of fainting.

Also helpful would be ideas for creating good, healthy meals that make use of seasonal produce amd good ingredients (not abominations like “fat-free cheese” – an oxymoron, if I ever heard one), are satisfying, and that have at least enough fat to meld the flavors together (one of my gripes about fat-free cooking – the flavors don’t blend, and you get all these jarring discordant notes – ten times worse when you have an impaired sense of smell with parosmia).

I personally need ideas for meals that don’t involve a lot of cooking – with a long workday, and a long commute, I just don’t have time for a lot of cooking (who feels like starting dinner at 10:00 PM?) Weekends are for all the errands, shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc, so there’s not a whole lot of time for cooking then, either.

I don’t know if I could afford a private chef, but that sounds like exactly what I need!

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